Help needed! Getting out of the friend zone!

Bit of background.

I’m 27, she is 25, I’ve been friends with her for 13 years. We are close, i.e. she tells me stuff that she doesn’t tell anybody else (but she doesn’t tell me everything).

We don’t talk on a week to week basis, maybe every other week we check in with each other, and we see each other less. Maybe every other month! But when we see each other it’s like there has not been a day in between.

I have always liked her, but she has always generally had a boyfriend, except for one period where I was almost going to ask her out but we were at different universities at either side of the country.

However I found out 4 weeks ago she was single and I’m seeing her tomorrow (Monday) for dinner. I saw her again for dinner two weeks ago but chickened out of asking her out. I know I need show my hand but I don’t know how to. Has anyone else gone from the friend zone in to a relationship.

I know I need to MTFU, and I’m not scared of our friendship being ruined because it won’t be, well maybe short term but that’s ok. I guess I’ve liked her so long and sat on my feelings so long because of her bf that I’m scared of the rejection….

Any suggestions about how I go about it?

just play it by ear. if it’s going to work, it’ll work

that old ‘showing up naked with a rose up your bum’ thing always struck me as a very wholesome romantic gesture..

Ask hora

What would hora know about it!?

Also I think I need to push it and not just see how it goes!

Go out to the pub and get shit faced and bump uglies – sorted

TBH i dont think hat you do or how you do it [ within reason of good taste] will actually matter.
She has know you for so long she will know how she feels and you will find out if it is reciprocated

Ask if she si seeing anyone mention how you always fancied her see if anything happens then you have an out if gets awkward?
I would just tell her personally but I am crap at flirting.

Good luck

get a bottle of wine down your necks, take the plunge and lunge.
you’ll soon know if your feelings are reciprocated. act now, talk later.

worked for me with my wife who’d been a friend of 5 years before we got together 8 years ago. I told her the guy she was getting off with was a dick and that I was jealous.

Rusty mac has got it “almost” spot on – At some point in the evening, after a few drinks and the obvious flirting has been well under way, getting on like long lost buddies etc…etc..ask her “how come we’ve never bumped uglies?”, she’ll either laugh and then give you a look that says “are you serious?, i’ve had the same thought? or she’ll clam up and awkwardly change the subject mumbling about friends are better etc..etc…

It’s up to you how you read the signs afterwards.

I’ve been friends with her for 13 years

no chance in hell

ask her “how come we’ve never bumped uglies?”, she’ll either laugh and then give you a look that says “are you serious?, i’ve had the same thought? or she’ll clam up and awkwardly change the subject mumbling about friends are better etc..etc…

you’ve been watching too many rom-coms my friend.

There was a girl I’d known for ages, good friends, nothing more, met up for drinks when we could. One night, things went horizontal! We/she decided that it was one step too far, and we backed off, and went back to just friends.
About a year later, after an evening out, we ended up in bed, and that lasted a year or so before we both felt it wasn’t really working any more so just went back to being friends. Which we still are, maybe ten years later.
If it feels right, then go for it.

Do it.

You’re both comfortable with each other.
Know all sorts of intimate stuff, I’d guess?
You wouldn’t have been mates for so long if you didn’t like each other. TBT.

But it’s possibly a one way street. Commit to it. There won’t be any going back to being just friends. The ‘bumping uglies’ for one night will be fun while it lasts, but will certainly effect the way you feel about each other.

I don’t know where I heard this quote, but I think it rings true:
‘Great friendship can become great love. Not the other way round’

Putting aside the “get drunk” advice (not that it’s bad advice), I’ve got quite a few friends who have been a bit disappointed when a previously platonic friend has waited a few weeks after a break up to turn from “good friends” to, “I’ve always liked you”, from what I’ve been told the friendship doesn’t go back to what it was before.

Having said that, if you really do like her (more than ‘I want to sh@g her) I’d say its worth letting her know. I’m sure you have other friends 😀

I iz confoozed…..you’ll be out having dinner with her and you’re going to ask her out?
What?
Out for a fight?
You’re already ‘out’ with her.
See what you said up there ^. “I’m 27, she is 25…”. Be that! Just tell her in a sincere but not overly intense way that you have developed an attraction and feelings for her that are beyond that of ‘friendship’. If you don’t want to bollocks it up completely, tell her quickly that you’ll understaand and be perfectly fine if she doesn’t have the same sort of feelings for you. Save the wailing for when you’re back home on your own.

what sort of things dose she tell you like.

Go rent the DVD “My Sister’s Sister”. New release. Should be easy to find. Infact – watch it together. That’ll get the chat going between you and put your thing in clear focus.

As a total unrelated thing to your predicament: the other critical lesson from that film is (and this is from a bloke) – always buy your own condoms.

Cards on the table. Tell her you would be happy to take your relationship a step further and then leave the ball in her court.

brakes : Rom coms?…..you’re on the wind up eh?, Ain’t never owned a tv and the last time i went to the cinema was to see danny boyles sunshine..bout 6 yrs ago, hardly a rom com but i did take a new gf to see it with me, does that count? , and the last dvd i watched was TT3D last xmas round at my folks, again…hardly a rom com. 😀 . So perhaps i could have phrased it better in my post above such as “how come we’ve never shagged?.

“how come we’ve never shagged?.

Just say this. Also it probably won’t work cos you should never sleep with your mates. Sometimes it works, most times it doesn’t.

See if she has any hot mates you haven’t met.

I’m not scared of our friendship being ruined because it won’t be

Are you 100% sure of this?

I was in a ery, very similar situation to yours. Had a lass who I was friends with for 10+years. Had made a drunken pass early on in our friendship but was laughed off. Stayed good friends, then a few years ago after meeting a lass in Albania who came over to visit, then went home, we ended up getting together. I had liked her for years and it had become a bit of a joke in our group about when we would eventually get together but it didnt happen till after the Albanian went home- jealousy maybe? It acted as some sort of catalyst somehow I guess.
Was a bit strange at first being a couple as we knew each other so well but still had a lot of fun firsts to do- was also a laugh seeing the look on folks faces when we told them we were actually together!
7 years later we’re married with 2 kids and still happy (most of the time..) I had written out the story in a lot more
detail there but thought a more concise version would be better.
Have a coupla glasses of wine together, just enough for Dutch Courage but not so much that she thinks you’re pissed, try and steer the conversations round to relationships, and tell her how you feel but with a get out if she’s not happy bout the idea- you never know-she might feel the same, if not, at least you know and can get on with being friends still..
Having been in the same situation I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you
Let us know how you get on!

It’s not your hand you need to show her.

What a nice post.

I would not waste any time, I would not wait and see how it goes, I would not got for the get drunk and lunge … but … “you have to throw a stone to get the pool to ripple” (excuse Squeeze song lyric)

You have to decide what the right move to make is but I say it’s time to make a move, you know her best so is it any of the following ?

As friends you just talk normally but when you are interested in someone you establish eye contact and hold it whilst speaking to them, ideally when saying something nice and/or sensitive. That look should tell you what next, to touch hands, to continue flirting, a good night kiss later ?

Whatever happens make sure you contact her the next day, don’t be embarrassed and if it doesn’t go perfectly don’t be discouraged, persist as it shows you are serious.

Good luck

tell her you need a new girlfriend. when she asks what you like in a burd, tell her your ideal is prety much just like her* (add “but obviously without the risk of buggering up a good friendship” if you don’t have the bottle for the straight answer)

reaction to that should sort it for you

*ideally, rescue a small child or kitten from a fire just before this

I’m 27, she is 25, I’ve been friends with her for 13 years. We are close, i.e. she tells me stuff that she doesn’t tell anybody else (but she doesn’t tell me everything).

It’s not going to work. I’m assuming you already know just how hard it is to get out of the friend zone but this should put it in context. Forget it and find another bird.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends

The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief. In fact, men’s estimates of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women actually felt, and almost everything to do with how the men themselves felt—basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends. Women, too, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends.

Sorry man.

Oh – I forgot to mention – there must be 10,000 books / magazine articles / films on this stuff for girls. Probably 5 for blokes. She should know the storyline well and at least expect it what ever tack she’s sailing.

And as an aside – I married a good friend 20 years ago. Daft idea really, but I had to save her from a bastard !

I’ve been friends with her for 13 years

no chance in hell

This. Probably.

But then I’ve reached the ‘I’m bitter and cynical stage in life’ and have accepted I’m going to die alone. At least it means I can spend all my money on bikes.

I’ve been in a similar situation, its better to be honest and get it over and done with, if she’s interested great, if she’s not and she’s that good of a friend, then the friendship will survive.

It’s better to get it out of the way and find out for sure otherwise you’ll end up screwing the friendship up by a) keeping stuff from her and if she knows you then she’ll clock something is wrong b) thinking about asking her and keeping up acting differently around her and c)breaking you mind thinking about it.

Get it over and done with from experience I know you can’t go on not know for sure.

All you’ve got to say is “you do realise this is the first time I’ve been out with you and we’ve both been single” and then let her take it from there 🙂

This. Probably.

But then I’ve reached the ‘I’m bitter and cynical stage in life’ and have accepted I’m going to die alone. At least it means I can spend all my money on bikes.

Shut up, make yourself look semi respectable, take a portrait photo and get on okcupid.

Quit your damn whining, there’s someone for everybody. I saw a stunning girl snogging a bloke with quite a considerable facial deformity the other day – puts everything into perspective. Looks do matter but having your attitude will get you no where.

A long time ago, I was the “friend”. I was always there when her latest “relationship” went belly up. I made the move and it destroyed the “friendship”. Well, until I met my now wife, bumped in to the ex-friend one night. Amazing how she suddenly changed her view of me. It was like a small victory at the time. But I did lose a close friend. Maybe.

To the OP. Well the choice is yours. If you don’t ask you’ll never know. You may find the love of your life, you may also lose a friend. My advice, life’s too short to spend it wondering what might have been.

Bwaarp, that’s bollox. You obviously didn’t read my post, which proves that it can work, as did althepal. Just because some scientist says something doesn’t make it so.
Fi and I are still great friends, we nearly went away for a week last month, which would have meant sleeping together, but a change of schedules meant it didn’t happen. It’s quite possible that we might get away for a week next year, same circumstances, and it still won’t make any difference to our twenty year friendship.

It is bollocks to an extent but I am quite pragmatic about this kind of thing….You’re one of the exceptions count… but I would never risk a good friendship with a girl. There are plenty more fish in the sea (there’s no one girl who is perfect for you, there’s quite a few) and having a girl who’s just a good friend is great. They help you deal with a lot of stuff that guys aren’t so good with.

Eg if you want deal with a breakup as a bloke…. without a girl who is a good friend to talk to… you have four options:

1) Go out with your mates, get blindingly drunk and make things worse.

2) Speak to strangers on teh internets

3) See a shrink

4) Kill your missus in a murder suicide.

Having a girl around that listens helps with all of that.

I suspect that bwaarp possibly missed a 😉 out somewhere eh?
Mind you, his final point is valid- that’s why I have a wife now.

Shut up, make yourself look semi respectable, take a portrait photo and get on okcupid.

Quit your damn whining, there’s someone for everybody. I saw a stunning girl snogging a bloke with quite a considerable facial deformity the other day – puts everything into perspective. Looks do matter but having your attitude will get you no where.

I’m sorry but I find this quite offensive. You know nothing about me nor my life.

This is not a stage in my life I’ve reached easily. This isn’t teenage moping it’s thirties realism. I’m not suggesting that I’ll never be with anyone again, I just don’t think I’ll ever be in any kind of traditional long term relationship. The experiences of the last ten years have taught me that and nearly resulted in suicide on one occasion as well as a period of serious manic depression.

I’d rather spend my money and time riding my bike and being happy and not worrying about it than risk going through any of that again.

This is not a stage in my life I’ve reached easily. This isn’t teenage moping it’s thirties realism. I’m not suggesting that I’ll never be with anyone again, I just don’t think I’ll ever be in any kind of traditional long term relationship. The experiences of the last ten years have taught me that and nearly resulted in suicide on one occasion as well as a period of serious manic depression.

Ooooh boy, okay sorry about that. But really, try to be a little more optimistic. Why don’t you think you will be in a traditional long term relationship? This really does sound like an issue of low self esteem to me or a fear of abandonment. If so do yourself a huuuge favour and think of yourself as someone that another person could live with and have a long term relationship.

Be happy go lucky, lots of marriages or long term relationships end….they are quite often a transitory affair but you can love them for what they are or what they once were even if you do eventually break up. You can be at one with this and let it slide, after all life is just a ride right? If one long term relationship ends then a new one can begin with someone else who may offer you a new and fresh outlook on life.

Okay, I’m not 30 but I’m 25 and have been through plenty of failed relationships but that doesn’t mean to say I lose hope of being with someone. Negativity drives people away and you end up in a self fulfilling prophecy.

I feel bad now, I hope you accept my apology. Fair play to having a life where you do all the things that you love like riding or buying bikes – as long as that is REALLY what you want and you’re not trying to cover up grief or pain because if so you’re dealing with it in all the wrong ways man.

All the best anyway and I hope things work out for you whatever you choose to do in life.

do nothing out of the norm.. you ll get that traditional response of i need space rebound etc so jusat ask her out for another meal in the near future couple of those and your laying foundations..

get them solid then go for the main prize.. her front door key

Meh, having a girl who is a good friend did loads for me. She’s always someone I can rely on and talk to without all of the complications that come with being together.

I’d miss it if I lost it but hey. I’ll leave it at that.

Morning all, I e decided I do want to tell her, I don’t think it will affect our friendship long term, in fact it might make it better because I will no longer be wondering what if.

I think I’m going to go along the lines of asking her if she sees us being any more then friends!
T minus 12 hours!

Given the length of time involved and the levels of non-sexual intimacy…..

does she think you are her gay manfriend?

She might well do 🙁