Why can't women slice bread?

Based on extensive scientific research*, I’ve concluded that women, as a species, cannot cut bread properly.

As a result, this morning my toast is like a snooker table on once side, it’s that flat, whilst the other side looks like the Mid-Atlantic ridge.

What’s so hard about keeping the knife perpendicular to the work surface while cutting? The knife does all the hard work to so it’s not like there’s any real pressure required.

*slicing bread after a) girlfriend, and b) mum, over the last 29 years.

I concur. Mrs feet seems to squeeze the loaf to about 1/3rd it’ts normal size then pretty much push the knife through the bread, thus destryoing the loaf in the process.

As you say, the knife does the work. Mrs Feet doesn’t seem to understand this though 🙁

i know exactly what you mean, i’ve developed mean “getting the slice back on track” skills though

My sister is the exception to the rule. She is a chef though.

Mrs S is just as bad.

I always have to cut a sacrificial slice off the loaf so that I can cut a square one for my toast. The sacrificial slice ends up looking like a cheese wedge. If she’s feeling really adventurous, she can get it wrong in both planes by about an inch. Supreme cack-handedness.

Do you end up following the curve for the rest of the loaf or sacrificing a slice to straighten it up?

Most of my slices have a cross section shaped like a banana if I’m slicing after Mrs Maxray.

😀

I did a quick search and 95% of surgeons are men…apparently.

Perhaps only 5% of the female population can cut bread properly.

A curve I could deal with! Mine’s more corrugated

The worse one I find although it my be my OCD is they cut the bread and will then put one piece of bread from an end and one piece of bread from the middle to make a sandwich which means it is uneven and different sizes! I always have o use adjacent slices – like I say though might be my OCD!

I don’t why it is – but it is a universal truth

My mother couldn’t do it & my missus can’t either
I do however get a double surprise each day when I open my sandwiches, what will the filling be & will she have succeeded in only allowing the knife to wander off in one plane or both?
I’m used to sandwiches where the thickness of the bread is different in each corner

I’m glad someone else has this problem. I’m told that it’s just how bread looks after it’s been cut despite my slices looking like machine sliced bread and hers looking like scale models of the alps. All I know is that I’m never letting her* near my saws. Strangely my Mum can do it, but then again my Dad is a cabinet maker and bad tempered git so I imagine words were had about the use of saw edged implements before I appeared on the scene

*All women of my acquaintance including the other half.

‘cos it’s a knife job and knives are men’s stuff?

Bit like the ‘hunter’ carving the Sunday joint.

I blame a lack of woodwork in their youth.

because we don’t want to

ballcocks!

Why would someone not WANT to be able to cut something properly?

hummm, im incompetant at this and yet male, should i be practicing?

Lol at Karin. 🙂

Electric knife helps.

PS Stop posting rubbish threads when there isn’t an equal number of ladies to flame you reply. 🙄

It’s cheese as well. Cheese on toast in our house can turn into a real nightmare. She things there’s something wrong with our grill because it burns on one side but doesn’t melt on the other!

Slice yer own bread then !! Are you all married to your mothers ??

Is she left-handed?

Slice yer own bread then !!

So I’d have to get up early too? – are you mad?

Yes! This is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO true!
My mum used to cut bread into a virtual corkscrew: Every slice looked OK on it’s own, but it was IMPOSSIBLE to cut it straight afterwards as the loaf was FUBARED!

Mrs PP is EXACTLY the same, and SHE KNOWS IT! I can cut bread fine: Hold knife at 90 degrees to the bread, hold bread gently, saw evenly. Done.
(She does make some wonderful bread though, and soup….. so it’s all forgiven. Om nom nom)

The only woman I ever saw cut bread straight was my Grandma, God rest her soul, who used to stand ther loaf on end and cut horizontally! WTF is that all about?

I’m sooooooo glad I’m not alone in this world of badly sliced bread!

They simply don’t understand the sawing action and eyeline and all that.
after missus O has been at the loaf, corrective surgery leaves you with a slice 1 3/4″ at the base and 1/3″ at the top.
She’s no better with the cheese, it always looks like she’s cut it with a potato peeler?

Can I just add that I get mildly perturbed by the way Missus O cuts a baked potato. Everyone knows you cut it to expose it’s largest open surface, better for eating and it sits well on the plate. But no she cuts it across it’s narrowest point thus causing poor absorbage and presents you with a wobbly spud.

Its part of a global conspiracy…

Slice yer own bread then !!

We do slice our own bread, it’s just that the loaf is so hideously mishapen when Mrs Feet is done. It’s really not difficult, just be gentle with it and don’t hack away at it so it looks like you sliced it with a blender!

Are you all married to your mothers ??

I’m not, but then again I don’t come from Norfolk

😉

Glad it’s just not me twining at the mrs for wonky bread then. 😯

Alternatively why can’t men cut a fork steerer straight without a cutting guide

Seen some right lash ups and can’t see how they would fare any better than their missus with a loaf

meh, my girlfriend is just as capable of taking a slice of bread out of the bag as I am, some of you guys need to enter the modern world.

I recently bought a slice yourself loaf. I was worried my wife might cut it cack handed but she did some toast and the loaf was sliced PERFECTLY. it was a large crusty loaf with a very soft centre so not a loaf a novice would do well on. It was amazing – I’m not sure I could have done it that well. It was as thin as a medium sliced pre cut load, simply superb. I knew then (and it wasn’t the first time I had thought this) I had married the perfect woman. 😀

Alternatively why can’t men cut a fork steerer straight without a cutting guide

Becasue hacksaw blades are more flexible than fors steerers, so you can’t keep them inline.

Bread vs Bread knife is the other way round, so you can

🙄

You need to buy her a fiddle bow knife:

I knew then (and it wasn’t the first time I had thought this) I had married the perfect woman.

HAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

So says the man that was worried about the wifely reaction to the bike parts he bought the other day! 😉

Alternatively why can’t men cut a fork steerer straight without a cutting guide

because is doesn’t need to be, bread does

My gran used to the do the loaf vertical – cut horizontal thing as well. Mind you she was partial to the crust so would slice loaves lengthways in order to get an extra large crust 🙂

This reminds me of my favourite feminist discussion where Germaine Greer claimed that sexist fallocentrism was so pervasive that it’s even found in space exploration, ergo: rockets shaped like giant willy’s. The reply from a male protaganist was: “It’s like that as its the most aerodynamic shape, I’d like to see a an interplanetary flying vagina”

Dunno, my mum and both my grans could cut bread fine, my mrs however is bobbins at it.

robdob – I think you need to check that she’s not having an affair and there’s a naked man under your bed. That toast was clearly cut by a man!
😉

I concur in the main

However ladies I have met go to anal lengths to cut a cake into equal portions which is the same process

Weird!

Make yer own effing sarnies! What do you think this is? Eh? A hotel!!!!