My son is wasting his life…

what is a wasted life– who or what defines it– if you’re talking about wasted potential– that applies to 99% of the human race– we live in an exploitative system, it does not encourage creativity, despite the bullshit that you get from the apologists– the vast majority of humans never get to’fulfil’ their potential– most is never tapped, so whilst all parents want to see their offspring ‘fly’ –reality is very different– and it cannot be coerced — good luck !!

Rudebwoy, I have the T Shirt! 😉

Mudshark– i do know about Mcd’s — i know a manager, a franchisee, and a number of ex-‘crew’– its not an environment that is any way healthy for body or soul. You will disagree, coming from another part of the spectrum, but the reality is that like football only a very tiny percentage ‘progress’ up the greasy pole — and to do that must have sold their souls long ago– have you ever thought that some people will not do unethical stuff because they have a different moral compass to you ?

What’s my moral compass? I don’t do unethical stuff – McDonalds do?

Actually I never got on there as it was just a way to earn a burger or two whilst waiting for Uni but I knew people who got on OK who seemed nice and normal. Some of the managers were gits for sure but many places are like that right?

Jeezus, we must have been lucky with our three kids! My heart reaches out to the OP – I can’t imagine not being able to engage with my bunch of daft but loveable twerps.
The eldest was never a problem – always motivated and driven, has been all over the world by age of 25 (currently in Africa), has a MSc and is applying for funding for a PhD.
The middle one was a bit of a problem – bad friend choices, disasterous attempt at A levels, alcohol and (probable) substance abuse which we managed to catch before things got really out of hand. Sat her down (forcibly on a few occasions) and got her to discuss, frankly, what she thought she was doing, what she really wanted to do and where she saw herself in ten years time. We ended up letting her drop out of school for a year and make her part time, supermarket job into a, virtually, full time one, all the while looking for an area/subject that she was really interested in. Finished up doing voluntary work in a theatre and a BTec in technical theatre studies – she loved it! Due to the recession theatre jobs are few and far between so she went into fashion retail (OK, clothes shop assistant) and is now an assistant manager at a quality, national clothing store.
The youngest……………hmm, yes. Lovely lad but as daft as a brush – didn’t think he’d get through GCSE’s let alone anything else BUT! – between me and his eldest sister we got him through Science, Maths and English and he did his own thing with Art and Design Technology. There was no way on this Earth he was going to do A levels/stay on at school, so, once again we sat him down and asked what he really, really was interested in. He ended up doing a BTec in Graphic Design with the idea that he’d then look for employment because he didn’t want to go to university……….er, he’s, currently at Uni(2nd year) and is predicted a first!

What I think I’m trying to say is that the OP must, must, must try and find a way to engage with his son…………even if it means breaking down in tears in front of him – it’s because you do care – worked with my middle one, she was so shocked that her Dad did actually love her so much. Once he can see and accept that love the rest might be just that bit easier.
*crosses fingers*

Amen Toxicsocks. They are simultaneously the most rewarding and exasperating part of my life. I’m glad we didn’t miss the ride…….

As a former yoof worker, I have to tell you I’ve seen much worse situations. He at least has a p/t job and a hobby. Presumably he isn’t abusing alcohol or drugs, and he isn’t in any kind of trouble with the law, or at risk of any major long term harm.

It’s not a great world out there for young people in Britain any more. Few jobs, fierce competition for the jobs there are. Little or no help if you want to go to uni or better yourself. Graduates don’t fare much better in the job market than non-graduates in the current climate. A lot of young people don’t feel there is much hope for them, or that anybody in charge particularly cares – this government have well and truly pulled the rug out from under them. Cuts in youth services, and careers guidance in schools. High tuition fees and debt. Crap labour market. Allowing companies to offer “apprenticeships” that aren’t worth the paper they’re written on, so young people work a full time week for less than minimum wage only to be jettisoned after 6 months for the next cohort of cheap labour. And lets not go there on welfare to work schemes – Poundland, Argos, TK Maxx, and a host of other companies who would previously have employed young people over the Christmas period now don’t need to, because they can have a slew of them from the Jobcentre who are compelled to work for their benefits. Profit before people.

If I was your son’s age, I’m really not sure how I’d see my future either.

Get him on a ski season job or one-way ticket to oz just tell him he’s staying til his visa runs out.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS +A BILLION

With out a doubt a game changer – this would be my suggestion.

At 19 I dropped out of Uni and properly dossed for a few years –

littlemisspanda speaks sense

If you feel he needs some tough love, then I’d suggest the following. This is how my dad and his wife addressed problems with my younger sister, who is a similar age to your son, and expected to spend her lengthy summer uni holiday (mid-May to mid-September) dossing around and living the life of Reilly. They figured, she’s an adult, so she should be allowed to make some choices. So they gave her three options, realising that a paid summer job given the current climate would not necessarily be an option.

1) Do nothing, and pay board out of her student grant (she is Danish-born, so gets one, and it’s not ungenerous, they pay in the holidays too).
2) No board to pay, but she takes up voluntary work doing something useful in the community which takes up at least half of her week (might be less for your son, if he already does some paid work). Your son could perhaps teach music/drumming to kids/teens, if that’s what he’s into.
3) No board to pay, but she takes care of the housework and garden/animals (they have chickens and ducks) and also calls on the elderly neighbours each day and does chores and shopping for them. If chores are not fulfilled option 1 ensues.

My sister chose to volunteer doing art work with disabled adults, as she likes art and media and film making. She needed a push to get it organised (and threat of Option 1 being invoked) but she did it and in the end, liked it, and she’s got something on her CV now. Voluntary work is a good thing for young people to do if they can’t find a job and plenty of charities are looking for people to help. Tough love yes, but offer some choice and some decision making opportunity.

I guess I was brought up with a totally different set of rules to most people .
It really was either study , or work and pay housekeeping.
At 19 I was never at home anyway , I had a good job , car and went fishing all weekend , pretty much every weekend.

I just cannot get my head around the concept that from roughly aged 13 to about 23 you have to be prepared to accept what your children do.
Not one person knocked on my door at work this year asking if we had any positions available, not one.
Different generation , different upbringing.

There seems an obvious link between your marriage break up and his lack of enthusiasm for tackling life! I think he feels lost. No family, no security of a loving home and no future, it’s almost an ‘orphan’ situation. He needs someone to love him and take an interest in him full time not now and then.
It’s a tough situation for you, your ex wife and him but he needs time not money and support and encouragement. not many kids really know what they want to do but somehow we mostly get there in the end usually with a bit of support.
How about something music related at college? some work experience in the industry?
Give him some real quality time on a regular basis, get to know him and don’t try to fix him, try and understand him. talk about your marriage break up and help him understand your position.

Hope it goes well.

Yeah, avoid tough love approach – will just create a rift between you. You are seemingly his last stable connection to home and the real world. Ruining that will ruin him.

I’m in no way having a go, but people seriously underestimate the impact of divorces and the importance of making do to preserve the family if at all possible – seems like a 21st century trend to me, and it’s such a shame.

He will find his calling.

There seems an obvious link between your marriage break up and his lack of enthusiasm for tackling life! I think he feels lost. No family, no security of a loving home and no future, it’s almost an ‘orphan’ situation.

he is a moody 19 year old and we all know only divorced folk have these 😕

I had no idea this topic would provoke such a wide range of responses, most of which have a lot of common sense and merit – thanks for all your input, and my heart goes out to those of you with some of your own experiences.
I know he’s far from being the worst of cases; he’s not in trouble with the law, his mates are all essentially ‘nice’ guys (some privately educated and no better placed than him – at least I haven’t spend tens of thousands on him not getting his A’s), he’s smoked a bit of weed along with his roll ups and doesn’t drink to excess.
Yes, getting him fixed up in a kibutz, working in a ski resort, mountain leaders course, voluntry work etc.etc would be fine but if he won’t even consider it I can’t force him (he’s bigger than me now!).
He won’t consider doing anything at all without his mates – almost certainly lacking in self confidence (and yes I do praise him when it’s due).
I’ve tried the gentle, matey, tolerant approach along with getting heavy, threats (and carrying them out), but to no avail.
Agree with those of you that say we parents shouldn’t try to ‘inflict’ our lifestyle/job coices onto our children – he has to find his own way by discovering his own interests and passions – music is about the only one.
Gave him a decent old skool Diamond Back mtb but he lost it….
And no, I don’t provide him with any cash and he has to buy anything he needs, he won’t be let off his arrears in ‘rent’, I don’t switch the internet off (although I have done on odd occasions)as this would alienate him from me entirely.
It’s quite probable that the marriage breakdown has adversely affected him as it came a bad time (is there ever a good time?!) but he won’t ever discuss it despite many offers/prompts from me.
God,we need the wisdom of Soloman!

Someone asked about his band; http://dirty-cousins.tumblr.com/

the band is centre of his life at the moment– its creative, harmless, and will teach him loads !

Why not sit with him and write some sort of business plan for the band?
At the very least he’ll be able to see for himself whether it’s a realistic option or just a hobby.