My son is wasting his life…

Life is far too short for anyone to have a “drop out period”.

My opinion on this is that life is too short for anyone to waste their time on a treadmill of default options, doing A levels they’re not interested in, following it by a pointless degree that their parents thought was a good idea*. A lot of people would be better off getting a realistic idea of what they are capable of and what they want to do, and then working out how to achieve it. If it is a degree, then at least do one that you are interested in.

Although possibly bumming around at your parents is not the best place to find out what you want to do in the long term, and it might be better to get a job while you do that rather than sponge off your parents. But I think it is better to acknowledge that you don’t know what to do, than to rush into doing stuff just because you should.

Joe

*like people who are sent to do law, medicine etc. because it’s a solid career degree and they think there’s a guaranteed job in it – there probably is if you get a 1st from a good university, but if you’re uninterested and get a 3rd or go to a poor university, you aren’t much better off than when you started.

encourage the drumming; i have friends in successfulbands (like on the telly/ radio)

some got signed as their band and are still together, other friends went the music college / BIMM route, jumped from band to band, sessioning for ‘solo type singers’, etc. All worked hard though.

try and find something to motivate him a bit, whatever it’s towards.

The odd thing is, his younger brother (13) and elder sister (23) are both doing fine.

it’s not a one size fits all thing though is it.

How much weed does he smoke a week?

Stop subsidising his lifestyle choices i.e. restrict what you give him to £10 a week, get some family therapy for you and him, and insist he starts to pay his own way while he lives under your roof.

Ultimately accept it about choices, and let go. It is his life to waste if that’s what he chooses to do and you don’t have to choose to house him/subsidise him/feed him while he wastes it. Don’t blame yourself or the ex for what you cannot now undo.

People tend to be most motivated to do things they have a passion for – like a lot of people here are about bikes.
Do you think he’s talented and hard-working enough to make music a way to earn a living? Or is there something else he loves to do and has a talent for… that you can support him to do?
Is there any liklihood he’s depressed, which the GP can provide support with?
I suspect when he finds his direction he’ll be fine

I dunno, I’m 25 in a good (very good) job and reallllyyyyyyyy want a “drop out period” having boucned from GCSE’s to A-levels, to a 4 year degree, to a job. Looking at the savings account/deposit that would pay for one hell of a year out before the whole work/mortgage treadmill till you retire kicks in!

Definately wouldn’t be spending it at home in bed though!

a “drop out period” is not the same as sitting on your arse at home.

I dont think anyone here is insisting he get on a treadmill, rather get a bit of necessity in his life to force him to get on with living it.

And spoon, arguably you’ve earned the opportunity to drop out for a bit, especially if you’re able to pay for it yourself and not need bank rolling by family or a loan.

Sounds similar to my wife’s brother.

He’s aged 32. Left school at 17 with decent grades and went to college to study music technology but dropped out. He then spent a few years drifting between menial jobs before deciding at age 25 he wanted to go to go to Uni. He got a degree in Scottish Literature or some other nonsense then went on to do a masters, which he failed. He’s now been unemployed for almost 3 years, after quitting the part time job he had in an off licence because they wouldn’t give him a Sunday off at late notice.

To say he’s a waste of space is a massive understatement and he’s a bizarre set of contradictions. On one hand he believes himself to be significantly more intelligent than everyone one else, and is quite snobbish about it, but the longer he’s been unemployed the more left leaning he’s become. He considers himself too good to do a “McJob” as he’s such a (self confessed) genius, yet he lays the blame for his unemployment firmly on the tories and anyone else he can think of. Basically it’s everyone elses fault. Nothing to do with the fact that he’s a fat, lazy slob that refuses to do a day’s work and he spends all day sleeping and only wakes at night.

My in-laws supported him through Uni, paying for his flat in Edinburgh, paying his tuition fees and giving him spending money. This continued long after he failed his masters and was unemployed. He’s never actually told him he failed the masters though. About a year ago my father-in-law cut him off financially, but allowed him to move back home and would support him there, but he would no longer support him to live in Edinburgh.

So now he’s living back at home, making his parents life misery, and to make matters worse my mother in law has terminal cancer so they have a hard enough time at the moment, and their misery is compounded by him storming about the house blaming everyone else for his lot in life, without doing a single thing to try and change it. Happy enough to scrounge off his parents and the state, while spouting his leftist progaganda nonsense.

Prick.

Not read the whole thread, but quick glances have thrown up exactly what I’d expect, such as ‘tough love’, scrounger, etc…

People need to get a grip. He’s 19! Where in the rule book does it say that a 19 year old should be on the career ladder with a plan set out as to what they’re going to do for the next 40 years? Force the issue and he may well make the wrong choice and end up either flunking or dropping out of whatever he does, or even worse will end up spending the rest of his life doing something he hates. It’s not like there are any jobs for 19 year olds anyway, so what’s the rush? In the end if he has half a brain as you say he has, he’ll make the right choices. Your job in the meantime is to help him in whatever way you can to make those right choices. After all, what is the alternative?

Is your boys band online?

Care to post a link?

Feeling for you. However. Having been similar at that age, chances are he’ll snap out of it or just get bored of it or. Meet a lady / bloke who will snap him out of it.

Lets hear the band.

Get him on a ski season job or one-way ticket to oz just tell him he’s staying til his visa runs out.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS +A BILLION

That is all

No it isn’t, if you can get him round to the idea of a Ski Season (either hemisphere) that could really help (if he was me that is, pinch of salt again here)

What more could you want, he’ll be working for a start. But there’s so much going on for entertainment that’ll he’ll start to build a positive work ethic without even trying.

Should have suggested it last night, but the working holiday thing can be truly awesome and there are so many options out there.

Anything from Ski, Hostels, Continental Campsites, PGL (are they still going?), doubtless hundreds of others.

Slightly off the working track, maybe a language school. I went to a Don Quijote school a few years ago and it was awesome. Hard work but such good fun and a totally different learning experience to what I experienced at school. http://www.donquijote.co.uk/english/la/spanishinlatinamerica.asp

You may wish to blank out the next sentence.

Gap Year style working holidays. Beer, Girls, Mountains, more Beer and more Girls, all tied in with some hard work. Teaches independence, self reliance, social skills, work ethics(sort of), Awesome. What more does a 19 year old lad need? And after all that freedom fooling around with some drunken lovely wee lass would you want to go back to languishing around alone in your bedroom? Negative side to this could be he keeps reappearing every 4-5 months while trying to sort a new season job out.

Tis what I’d suggest to him. If you don’t stand tall and grab life by the nuts it’ll kick you in yours and pass you by.

Sigh, wish I was a sulky 19yr old again…..

So, he’s got a part time job, is in a band, isn’t doing drugs, hasn’t got some girl pregnant, isn’t in a gang the cops aren’t round all the time…

He’s 19. Give him a break

I was chucked out at 17, quite honestly I probably deserved it, and apart from a couple of nights sleeping in a bus stop I did OK, but that was mostly cause I got lucky, it took me a loong time to work stuff out with my parents and a bit of me won’t forget what they did

They told me it was tough love as well

Feel better now you’ve got that out BoardinBob?

😉

I was feeling a tiny bit of sympathy for the guy until you mentioned he was fat. I’m so prejudiced.

What emsz said you bunch of old farts

If you cannot piss your lifeaway doing f all when you are 19 and sponging off your folks whilst trying to be a success in a band then when exactly can you do it?

He has a job for spends, he aint in actual trouble with feds or the wrong crowd and he has some growing up to do- he is 19 let him do it but not so long you allow him to not grow up.

If it continues into his 20’s I would have a word and make them stand on their own two feet.

Joemarshall makes a good point, above.

My Dad was pushed into a career in medicine by his ambitious mother, she even pulled strings with the Dean of a medical school to get him accepted. He was a good doctor but he was never happy, his career led him into all kinds of stressful situations and at the age of 55 he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. I can’t help thinking this was caused by stress – people didn’t discuss personal issues in his circles; they were expected just to “man up”. He would rather have been an artist but by the time he took early retirement it was too late as he’d already lost his way.

Have you thought about hooking him up with one of the snow sports companies somewhere like Morzine? They are ALWAYS looking for resort staff/reps – he’d have a great time, earn a bit of money, meet new people full of life and gain loads of experience doing something fun that while it’s paid isn’t as dull as your average job as a teenager.

I can point you in the direction of a few people if you like?

Have a look here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYb_b05RqJ8

🙂

a bit of me won’t forget what they did

They told me it was tough love

STW should take note of this wise post from emsz.

Joemarshall makes a good point, above.

+1

It’s ridiculous forcing kids to make life changing decisions at such a young age. When I was 18 I was persuaded by my elders (parents, teachers, career advisors etc) to not do a degree in astronomy which I was really interested in, and instead do computer science because ‘it would be better for getting a highly paid job’. In the end I nearly dropped out due to lack of interest in the course, got a 3rd and am now doing a job which is neither highly paid or particularly interesting. Looking back I realise I was given terrible advice by those who ‘know better’, and if everyone wasn’t in such a rush to send me off to uni at the first opportunity I could have taken more time to consider the options myself and make my own decision.

Cut the internet connection and go from there.

Give your lad this link:

http://www.powderdaysmorzine.com/

Get in touch with boss man Justin, top bloke with loads of contacts in the bars/clubs etc in Morzine.

As has been said, what’s not to like for a teenage lad?

Beer, girls, snowboarding, more beer, more girls, more snowboarding, a little bit of work related to beer, girls and snowboarding.

Wish I was 19 again!! 🙂

As has been said, what’s not to like for a teenage lad?

Who’d have thought it was so easy to understand teenagers? It’s so obvious! Good job they’re not complex individuals like the rest of us eh?

🙄

And people wonder why kids get depressed….

EDIT just re-read this

He won’t discuss anything with me no matter what I do. Clamps up

That probably means he doesn’t want to talk to you, which means in turn that he doesn’t feel he can trust you not to give him a hard time or misunderstand him completely.

That probably means he doesn’t want to talk to you, which means in turn that he doesn’t feel he can trust you not to give him a hard time or misunderstand him completely.

or he knows that what you are saying is true and he thinks that he can sulk/strop his way out of avoiding the situation and dealing with the actual issue as its easier to make you feel guilty for moaning at him *

Or he does not know what he wants to do and asking him just makes him clamp up because he has nothing to say.

ETC
Anymore great insights on explaining the “complex individuals ” for us ?

Er I was suggesting possible problems, not claiming simple solutions for the whole situation like the rest of the thread. You trying to turn this into a nit picking competition or something? Cos it won’t make for a good thread.

But yes all those things you suggest are good possibilities. I brought it up because it seemed very important.

Just seemed like you were making a hug leap based on limited information and there was no need to suggest it was somehow the OPS fault he wont talk to him.
I accept it was not done with malice
I agree lets not ruin a thread [ but you have the right to reply]

When he’s not looking, sell his drums and with the dosh buy him a round-the-world ticket including a stop somewhere in the developing world. It’ll change his life, guaranteed – even if he just ends up on a beach in Oz.

Blimey time’s must’ve changed. It was *unthinkable* for me not to at least part fund myself when I was 16/17 before going off to Uni. Had my arse kicked until I got a Saturday job, and then even had my are kicked to get a summer job for the 12 weeks I was off Uni.

No WAY would I have ben lounging around doing nowt sponging off my parents. Stop his funding!!!

Alarmingly, I think this may be a modern trend. My GF’s two eldest boys (16 and 17) are REALLY bright cookies (their mum’s an Oxbridge grad and a teacher) but they actively choose NOT to apply themselves, and just can’t be arsed to even try at school. They are content to get low grade and fail exams. In and out of trouble through very poor attendance, drinking, smoking… No enthusiasm, no get up and go, no ambitions… Spend all day in their bedrooms on laptops/x-boxes only coming downstairs when they’re hungry…

If only I was in charge… 😈

BoardinBob – I swear you’ve just described my brother-in-law too!

Waste of oxygen.

I agree lets not ruin a thread [ but you have the right to reply]

Just one then – but it is relevant. Poor relations between the OP and his son MIGHT be either of their fault – it’s something to think about for sure. It’s easy to blame the kid for being non-communicative and disengaged, but trying to grow up in a family can be really hard if a youngster doesn’t quite align with everyone else.

I know a bloke who had a difficult, petulant, idle, underachieving and difficult to control kid. The bloke in question is a decent chap, and wanted the best for his kid, but was exasperated. At 17 or so the apparently feckless kid left home, got a job as a live-in help for someone with a disability and is now doing really well on his own. All he needed was to get out and find his own way – even though his parents were pretty good on the face of it.

Now that’s not the OP’s situation, but it goes to show that it’s not always what you think when it comes to teenagers/young people growing up in your family.

Ok my two cents worth…

It sounds like he needs some support and confidence boosting rather than the ‘kick him out’ scenario…

I was a little lost a few years back and decided to go to Oz. I went with with the intention to work, get experience, meet new people and had the best 9 months of my life. Being on the other side of the world, away from home certainly focuses the mind on getting work.
Pitch the idea, encourage him to get a job to pay for this trip and you could contribute towards his flight say, that way he has something to focus on.

Perhaps he could get a job in a Rehearsal studio? That way he would be working towards a goal, in a job that he’s interested in, and learning the value of earning a wage. Just an idea, but travelling and working abroad is a great way of broadening the mind, and figuring out who you are, not just having a jolly. It will make him appreciate what he has as well, namely good parents that love him. Hope this is of some help to you.

Yep a lot of polarised opinion
– from those who loved being 19 and had supportive/indulgent parents through to those who hated being 19, self-harmed and had ‘tough love’ kind of parents.

My 19 yr old is in a similar position and our relationship is in a similar position except me and his mum separated 14 years ago, he’s partially blind and is on the Asperger’s spectrum. He lives with his grandmother (long story but his mum moved north a couple of years ago) who tends to molly-coddle him (unfortunately she’s treating him like his Aunt who was severely disabled). I don’t legally have to pay maintenance for him as he’s not in education. He’s not been the most communicative or demonstrative kid since becoming a teenager and he likes being molly-coddled so our more independent parenting style isn’t his preferred approach. His brother and I have a pretty good relationship on the whole though.

It’s a complex issue and depends very much on the individual.
When I was 18 (after a summer of nights out & poor ‘A’ level results to be fair) I came home to a note on my pillow from my Dad. It read “get a job or get out”. Fortunately my acceptance onto an I.T. course on the other side of the country came that very morning and I was outta there. My relationship with my Dad was not good, the note certainly didn’t help. It did reinforce my determination to make it on my own. I left home then and have been self supported ever since.

The thing is my son (I think) would benefit from a job in improved self-esteem and by getting out of his room and communicating with real people. Continuing to pay maintenance for him does affect my life (and the wider family – i.e. it’s the difference between a family summer holiday or not). That his mother has left him and does not pay her mother one iota of support for him and his brother is pretty galling too.

I’ve decided to try a weaning approach – encouragement to get a job, any job that suits (and emphasising that point to his grandmother). Transference of maintenance to him, so that he pays his grandmother. Then a gradual reduction of said maintenance whilst pointing out his grandmother still needs the same amount to keep him in on-line time & food.

At this point I don’t know what the results will be. Hopefully he’ll get help to get working.

Good luck, thinking abou ti and doing our best it is all we can do as parents.

there comes a time when they are still young enough to need our help but old enough to not actually realise it …not looking fwd to it tbh.

Ours, aged 17, packed her bags and left to stay with her friends family 7 weeks ago. The final straw for her was being told to sort herself out, she hadn’t washed for a week and hadn’t brushed her teeth for a month! She was sick of me controlling her internet access, what sites she could and couldn’t get on -IT bod’s make the best parents 🙂 making her go to bed, do her homework and general parenting.

Today she’s phoned up and asked can she come home, no problem no-one threw you out. Her college attendance is at 80% as she’s struggling to get there for 8:50 as she’s staying up all night on Facebook. She’s failing English, she wants to be an English teacher, because she’s not submitting coursework as she’s to busy enjoying her freedom.

I think you have to let the penny drop for them.

She was sick of me controlling her internet access, what sites she could and couldn’t get on -IT bod’s make the best parents

Just out of curiosity, what type of sites were you blocking?

Junkyard – Member
Good luck, thinking abou ti and doing our best it is all we can do as parents.

there comes a time when they are still young enough to need our help but old enough to not actually realise it …not looking fwd to it tbh.
This is very elegantly put

1.- Unplug your router and take it to work.
2.- ‘Fix’ the central heating so its rather chilly.
3.- Stop enabling him to doss at your house.
4.- Dont wash ,cook or clean up after him ( no food in the bedroom from now on )
5.- Look at a Ski job , windsurf or Kitesurf instructor course, MTb leader qualifications.
6.- Remove mobile phone privilidges ( I guess you fund that too )
7.- Say what you expect to be done around the house , and reward those jobs with lifts to band camp etc
8.- Look into a TEFL course , although he might A levels as a minimum std .
9.- Try to stay away from any ultimatum you are not prepeared to fully follow through .

The forces would be next on the list , but consider Chef work , Cruise ships , Butlins , something / anything to get an income and up on his own to feet.

Carrot and stick…. A little off both sparingly …. As 19 yr olds often tend to have low self esteem
Encourage him to do something new but easy before progressing to bigger goals…

Don’t burn any bridges as he will probably end up deciding which old people’s home your going in!

/Deleted

Singletrackmind – chef on boat all require high nvq’s/degrees and/or masses of experience nowadays & tefl is degree entry with 1.6k up front I think then money for flights etc.

+1 junkyard yoof is wasted on us young

Incredible some of the stuff on here. Hiding the router? Removing phone rights? Turning the heating off? No eating in the bedroom? He’s 19 not 9!

Treat a 19 year old like a child, he’ll probably end up acting like one. I’d love to know how many of the people advocating these authoritarian approaches have enacted them successfully on their own kids, if they have them that is.

I can’t relate to him at all – well I did see a bit of Jeremy Kyle once. I suppose many of use here were enjoying being students and pretty capable of looking after ourselves.

He probably is capable of looking after himself.

Maybe he just doesn’t want to take any of the options he sees as available…