Something I had never thought about until yesterday (bum wiping content)

I often have a good read of stw forums (via mobile webbamajob) while taking a shit, so I can report live from the event…

Its a front to back motion, with approx 2 x 24inches of carefully coiled low grade paper material followed with 3 (or perhaps four, for a really sparkly job)high grade wet wipes*

*Wetwipes of course,if I am at home. I feel a bit of a **** walking off to the shithouse with a pack of wetwipes tucked under me arm while at work, in which case I make do with the slightly uneasy feeling of possible tagnuts for the rest of the day. 😕

I think I (and many others) have shared far too much. 😮

I have the toilet roll holder mounted behind the toilet instead of to one side.

Once droppage has completed then reach around and thread the toilet roll down and through the legs. Then pull the paper forwards only stopping when the brown line fades away.

with approx 2 x 24inches of carefully coiled low grade paper

You use four feet of loo roll? Jesus christ man, go see a doctor.

2 sheets folded in half, the right thumb holding it against the groove and it’s B2F. I’ve tried F2B but got my hair sprinkled (my ponytail reaches virtually down to my waist).

b-to-f seems like a risky business.

if you get shite on the devils bridge there could be hell to pay!

2 sheets folded in half

**** me, your winnits must be superglued on if you need 4 layers of shitscrape to handle the pressure.

is there another method that needs very little paper, a military method?

I’ve often wondered if it is possible to stand upon the sides of the pan and squat with your cheeks spread so well as to not require wiping afterwards?

It’s a shame that bidets have gone out of fashion as they made sure that you were nice and clean below.

BTW I am a back to front man.

Pure genius this thread… 😉 had both a no wiper then infinity wiper today 🙂

mandog – Member
is there another method that needs very little paper, a military method?

I don’t think it’s a military method, but two squares of quality paper, folded in half (to prevent your fingers going through). Wipe, inspect, fold in half. Wipe, inspect, fold in half again. Wipe, inspect, discard. If necessary, get another two squares, fold and repeat. 8)

A linky to the whole portal dedicated to bum-wiping: here.

I thought the military method was to have one sheet, tear a small circle from the middle, put finger through the hole and wipe ass, then finally use the torn out bit to clean under your fingernail.

AtennnnShun!!

I’ve often wondered if it is possible to stand upon the sides of the pan and squat with your cheeks spread so well as to not require wiping afterwards?

This is how the arabs like to crimp one off. We actually have to put up signs in the toilet cubicles telling them not to squat on the seats. Squatting however would be the more natural position for us humans if we were still to be curling them out in nature. I’ve heard that this is a major cause of “rockfords” in the arses of westerners.

As for wiping, a bidet would be ideal, followed by a few drying wipes. B2F wiping is fine, but you have to use your left hand to lift your Kirsty McColls out of the way whilst wiping with the right. NB: This is quite an advanced manouver and should never be used in conjunction with the “poo-raft” splash arrestor since it can mean getting the back of your hand covered in cadburys from a pervious wipe.

I have heard that the Pope uses baby ducklings

^^^^

I seem to recall that wannabe doctor Gillian mcKeith saying a similar thing thing to a radio 1 presenter about needing a “stool for your stools” to get all of the jobbie out when you go for one, so squatting on the seat is probably the best position to evacuate everything.

Actually, she was probably correct. One of my more pleasurable evacuations was in Thailand on a squat-jobbie (<- see what I did there?). I just couldn’t bring myself to perform the hand&water clean up process – I had to use a tissue (multi-folded, obviously).

EDIT: thinking about it, I’d probably be okay with the hand wipe method now. We’ve had children since then and consequently had more poo on my hands than I ever thought possible.

I was tired and ready for bed before I started reading this thread. Crying with laughter seems to have woken me up.

2 x 24inches of carefully coiled low grade paper material followed with 3 (or perhaps four, for a really sparkly job)high grade wet wipes*

good lord man, either I am lucky or you are unlucky.

Once droppage has completed then reach around and thread the toilet roll down and through the legs. Then pull the paper forwards only stopping when the brown line fades away.

WHAT

Wipe your bum with your left hand and eat food with your right hand and you avoid cross contamination problems 🙂

a no wiper

Drawing an ace – I think – is the Profanisaurus definition.

What’s all this talk of folding? Scrunching for the win, surely.

Does nobody else wrap paper round their hand then go have a dig?

sounds very wasteful SBZ, unless you go for both the forehand and backhand

Houns – Member
Anyone else getting Glade and toilet cleaning adverts >>>

No but i have got one for Muddybum Bike Shop !

Think they might want to have a word about that with someone at STW towers 😕

These Austrian toilets truly are the devils work. Was in Hungary (they share the same style of crapper) and whilst I had the opportunity to marvel at my creation, I saw two drawbacks. One – bloody hell it stinks and Two, if you feel the need for a courtesy flush, do so at your own risk. If the water pressure is high the poo can be propelled forward at a velocity high enough that it can defeat the gravitational pull of the loo, thus ending up complete, but maybe a little soggy, on your pants which are still round your ankles. Makes skid marks look like a minor inconvenience.
Oh, back to front, but willing to try something new.

One downside of back to front is the old griff nuts.

😆 takes me back to school time and banter.

Does nobody else wrap paper round their hand then go have a dig?

I had an ex who did that. Wiping with a wad of tissue half an inch thick every time you’ve had a pee fair gets though rolls at an alarming rate.

True, still amazed at just how much roll the fairer sex go through

These Austrian toilets truly are the devils work.

The more I think about it, the more I think that a better approach might be to straddle the throne facing the back wall. Then you’ve got a nice Western style splashdown for your Cadbury’s Mini Rolls to land in, and somewhere to put your phone while you play Angry Birds.

I always have a little wee at the end of a poo. At this point I know its time to finish the page i am reading as there will be no more poo. Then wipe under arm back to front like normal people. All the rest of you are weirdos.

Cut out the middle man, maybe a splash of Muc-off if you’re feeling posh 😉

Doesn’t the military method employ vaseline for a stealth poo?
Basically grease the sides to avoid the need to wipe.

Also last time a I had a ration pack meal on a bothy trip, a proper David hasselhoff was not required for about 3 days. I believe the food is designed not to encourage evacuation of the bowel.

Then wipe under arm back to front like normal people. All the rest of you are weirdos.

… but your user name is Speckledbob so it can’t be that good.

As a confirmed F2B I tried, in the interest of experimentation, the B2F underarm method this morning. It felt like somebody else was doing it.

I predict this thread picks up pace today as folks try out new methods and post their results.

i’m going to try the ‘ pull the roll through until the brown stripe disappears’ method!
Is that f2b or b2f?

I was told the army rat pack system had 4 meals. 3 bind you up, the fourth ‘doesn’t’. So you can control who shites when by controlling who gets the brown biscuits and curry meal on any particular day, and thus have 3/4 of your platoon guaranteed not squatting in the woods when the nasty men come calling.

That said, was also the same genius that provided my cadet force with artic rations for a 2 day exercise on sandhurst in late May during a heatwave. Artic rations being designed to be rehydrated with melted snow, which was in pretty short supply, oddly. You could spot the brave few who’d tried to rehydrate their rations with as little water from their drinking bottles as possible, because they were the ones who dessicated their insides instead and ended up in hospital on saline drips.

F2B here, and continue wiping till the paper is clean. Nothing worse than disrobing for passion to find an errant skiddie.

i’m going to try the ‘ pull the roll through until the brown stripe disappears’ method!

we have individual sheets at work so I can’t experiment with that till I get home 😀

This is the best thread I have ever read on any forum ever! And I’m a girl 🙂 I’ve never thought about it, but I didn’t think males would go B2F, seems like it could lead to bad smells being trapped around delicate areas that partners may venture into…. Unless wet wipes are used

After a few beers with the lads last night, and mentioning this thread one of them revealed he was indeed a B2F practitioner but approached this from the rear. Is this physically possible? Trap at work is to small to attempt such a manoevre, and probably need a fair few swipes after the real ale last night.

i think i’m going to have to invest in some wet-wipes – they sound fun…

Better than MRI scanners!

he was indeed a B2F practitioner but approached this from the rear

Eh?? So he pushed instead of pulling?? Doesn’t that lead to uncomfortable bunching and a dangerous bow wave of brown?