Something I had never thought about until yesterday (bum wiping content)

captaincarbon – Member

ok. we can all stop trying the knees togethr ankles apart whilst sat staring at our screens. How can that work?

It ‘offers up’ the work surface for increased contact area. Trust me, it works.

derek_starship – Member

Shib – what on God’s Green Earth is Big Ball Day?

Don’t you have the occasional Big Ball Day? When they hang lower and swing more pendulously than usual? Is it just me???

GrahamS – Member

No no – you have to dry Mr Johnson’s head before you reach on through.

Surely even F2Bers need to do this to avoid the dreaded wet penny?

You’re just making extra work for yourself there mate. Stand slowly, turn slightly towards the bath, and ‘flick’ your pelvis – more Michael Jackson than Elvis Presley. You can shout “Eeeh-heeee!” if it helps, but it’s not really necessary. That should avoid any “blue-on-blue” incidents.

unless its a cling filmer

😯

Rocking with silent laughter here whilst trying to hold a conversation about stress in components with complex I values.

I cant wait for CFH to turn up and tell us what the posho’s use. Swans necks probably 🙂

Best. Thread. Ever.

I’ve just been for a second sitting and road-tested some of the afore-mentioned suggestions including B2F.

I now have piss on my wrist. 🙁

I went for a colonic last week and had to clean myself up on a Hyundai electric toilet. It washed my arse and arse hair, then blow dryed it for me. I’m thinking of buying one. No more wipes

How do you piss on your wrist going back to front…..I’m a back to fronter and never given myself a golden shower.

Also those who wipe when sat, apart from the room issue as mentioned above how do you cope when it’s a very shallow drop loo? Do you have to wear marigolds?

I had just this discussion with my Sister-in-Law only last weekend!!

Don’t ask its a long story, she is a nurse so no topic is off limits 😉

I shall wait until I get home before attempting any alternative techniques suggested on here. Trying out something new and excitingly acrobatic in the confines of one of the work’s traps could result in an over balance, head-bog door interface, loss of consciousness and a rather embarrassing sans-trousers meeting with a cleaner at about 7:00pm when I should be home having my tea.

I’ve just been for a second sitting and road-tested some of the afore-mentioned suggestions including B2F.

I now have piss on my wrist

The trick is to stop peeing before you wipe, good heavens man. I appreciate that if it’s a crack-of-dawner after a heavy night on the fally-over juice then breaking the seal the next day can leave you pissing like a carthorse for quite some time, but patience, Grasshopper. You’ve got quite the window of opportunity to clean up before anything starts to set.

Houns – Member

How do you piss on your wrist going back to front…..I’m a back to fronter and never given myself a golden shower.

One has to reach under ones tackle, between the legs. Any residual drippage is free to fall onto the wrist/forearm at the slightest contact.

comedy gold. Jeezo I knew there were some anal types on here but…..

I’m still boggling that anyone reaches between their legs to wipe their butt! F-to-B all the way!

how do you cope when it’s a very shallow drop loo? Do you have to wear marigolds?

If it’s a throne where a particularly enthusiastic evacuation is likely to run the danger of me sitting an inch or two higher than when I started, then where possible I’ll try and find a more suitable trap.

In the absence of such options or when you’re brewing a Russian poo, a courtesy flush midway can afford you some extra manoeuvring space and as a Brucie Bonus could also provide an impromptu bidet.

The problem with wiping front to back is that if you don’t apply much pressure and the residue is quite lubricous then you could over shoot with your wipe and end up going up your back. Going back to front means you have your balls acting as a barrier

Cougar – Member

The trick is to stop peeing before you wipe…

Maybe it’s just me, but no matter how long I sit reading, the moment of paper/sphincter contact induces a feeling of relaxation that allows an extra few mils of fluid to be emitted.

the guy opposite me on the train keeps using the phrase “browned off”

not that this is a good one to read on the train

@ harry the (barking?) spider – cling filmer being the magical form of jobby that requires no wipage, whose probability is inversely proportional to volume of real ale consumed

all you standing up back to fronters should catch sight of yourselves doing it and then you’ll change your evil ways

A true eye opener is this thread 😮

I’m not going to try any of the methods mentioned. I’m happy with what I’ve been doing all these years.

Surely – if you wipe B>F, you creosote the nads?

how do you cope when it’s a very shallow drop loo?

Particularly tricky on those reverse-toilets like they have in Austria, where you must lay your produce out on the horizontal “inspection shelf” just inches below your sweaty man-cheeks, leaving little or no room for an effective reach-through.

They mess with my routine!

Maybe it’s just me, but no matter how long I sit reading, the moment of paper/sphincter contact induces a feeling of relaxation that allows an extra few mils of fluid to be emitted.

Might I suggest that sir considers the side upon which sir, ah, dresses, and then approach from the opposing side? This may require changing hands, but then, little bathroom pleasures often do.

Particularly tricky on those reverse-toilets like they have in Austria,

Reverse toilets? What witchcraft is this?!

I have never found a cure for what I refer to Pritt Stick poo. You know, when no matter how many times you wipe it just won’t stop marking the paper?

I’ve sat for hours trying to get rid of the last little bit, it just keeps on giving.

Cougar – Member
Might I suggest that sir considers the side upon which sir, ah, dresses, and then approach from the opposing side? This may require changing hands, but then, little bathroom pleasures often do.

Left handed wipeage? That’s a recipe for disaster.

My little lad is 5 and getting to grips with the whole self-hoop-declaggification-process. We regularly find him with stripes up his back when he gets home from school 😐

Cougar – Member

Might I suggest that sir considers the side upon which sir, ah, dresses, and then approach from the opposing side? This may require changing hands, but then, little bathroom pleasures often do.

No, you might not suggest such lunacy – it’s bad enough that you’ve turned my toilet habits back-to-front (literally) without turning them arse-about-face… What do you think I am, some kind of circus freak? I’m not ambidextrous, though I’d give my right arm to be.

Oh! Following on from the chap who has a post-bob-shower, I forgot to mention the lad I went to poly with who had to get completely naked to crimp one off. Even in public conveniences. ❓

Reverse toilets? What witchcraft is this?

I’m not doing a Google Image search for “austrian toilet” at work!

Imagine a bog where the pool of water is at the front rather than the back and the porcelain forms a near horizontal shelf.

Brilliant, only on STW. I cannot believe we have a 3 page thread on the delicacies of wiping ones arse! F to B man myself. Don’t make the mistake of checking the results after first wipe though – you leave the potential for a piece of poo to stick to the loo roll then flick into the air and land just about anywhere in the throne room being used!

Anyone else getting Glade and toilet cleaning adverts >>>

I forgot to mention the lad I went to poly with who had to get completely naked to crimp one off. Even in public conveniences.

I suspect that he was ‘caught’ in an awkward situation and that’s his excuse – a bit like musicians playing a bum (phnaar) note and then repeating it so people think they meant it!

Left handed wipeage? That’s a recipe for disaster.

Racist, there’re left-handers on here.

I forgot to mention the lad I went to poly with who had to get completely naked to crimp one off.

…known a few folk (professionally) who were further along the autistic spectrum than the average stw-er who also did this. Or required a bath/shower to get their hoop ‘into the mood’ so to speak.

julianwilson – Member
Or required a bath/shower to get their hoop ‘into the mood’ so to speak.

I’ve been known to go for a preemptive strike with some sort of ass-cream if I suspect it might have big corners…

Reverse toilets? What witchcraft is this?

Okay here you go Cougar:

With some in-depth analysis here:
http://www.gregorykemp.com/2010/10/the-viewing-shelf-a-farewell-to-austria.html

Austrian Toilet

I suppose they stop the Neptunes Kiss

I suppose they stop the Neptunes Kiss

True, but any fool knows that can be easily be avoided without such porcelain lunacy, by the careful application of a single sheet of tissue on the water prior to commencing bombardment.

I thought Neptune’s Kiss were a prog rock band.

I thought the bog roll raft was more to muffle unwanted sounds than to prevent the auto-bidet effect?

Thanks for the Austrian toilet images, I’ve just realised how Toblerone was invented.

Has anyone tried an alternative technique based on this thread?

I have. I think I’ve broken my nose and my watch. 🙁

*pulls up a chair*

Whats wrong with a slide down the bathroom rug, like my mates Spaniel tries?