Do/Did you want children

My Mrs is desperate to have kids but Im not mad keen. Dont get me wrong Id like to at some point but I feel like I can hardly look after myself never mind bambinos.

Incidentally Im 35, she’s 38.

Before you say it: selfish – maybe, but it works for us…

I’ve never really understood this criticism myself.

Selfish to who exactly? A non-existent child?

If you both decide that kids are not for you then fair play. Carry on. Nothing remotely “selfish” about it at all IMO – the world has more than enough people already.

I’m only 23 so right now it’s the last thing I want. Can’t see why I’d want to get tied down and have a huge expense/limit what I can do for at least 18 years. I see people I used to go to school with on facebook, some of them on their 2nd child and can’t help but think they’re wasting the best years of their lives.. I also feel I’d be a pretty terrible parent.

Thanks, GrahamS, you obviously think along our lines.

Not everyone is as generous.

I’m only 23 so right now it’s the last thing I want.

I thought the same at 23. You may not feel the same in another decade.

Mashiehood Jnr arrived 10 days ago, the most chaotic but the most amazing days of my life. Mashiehood Jnr is amazing 😀

Im back to work after two weeks paternity and wish i didnt have to – loving being a parent.

Never really wanted kids, a few exs of mine did and that’s ultimately what broke things up. MrsPJM already has twin boys and I love them both very much so it’s wins all round.

Others always covered this better (for me)

Please excuse blatant quoting, but ‘in apprehension’ seems an apt snatch (fnaar)

What a piece of work is a man, How noble in Reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, In action how like an Angel! in apprehension how like a god, the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals. and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me; no, nor Woman neither; though by your smiling you seeme to say so

I didn’t really know until my daughter arrived a day after my 30th. But since that there have been mainly highs and a crushing low for good measure. Her little brother arrived as a timely xmas present last year (I was 34 by then). They’re great but I wonder what I would do with all that free time if we didn’t have them!

Free time?? Er.. Is that when I’m driving or cycling to work?

Having your kids young means you get to have more free time when you are older, more mature and better prepared to enjoy it 😆 you then become grand parents earlier which means you are young enough and fit enough to enjoy them 😆 you can also give them back and/or just say no to looking after tham 😆
Married at 20, house owner @ 22, 1,st child @ 26, 2nd@ 29, 2 grand kids @ 50. 4 grand kids by 56 😆

Got some work colleagues who are on wife nbr2 and of a similar age as the op and have gone down the kids route. Not sure if I would? Would have given the issue some serious discussion before going down the batting married route. Not sure I would do the marriage thing if I had to divorce 💡

I don’t feel like I could be trusted with a blank human being tbh. Also, if I’m quite honest I’m too selfish. Maybe later…

When I was younger I thought it was something I’d do later. 33 now and after long discussions with the missus I’m not up for it and like they say it takes 2. Maybe I’ll regret it later maybe I wont. Sometimes it’s hard not to feel like your bring judged as a selfish person for not wanting kids.

It’s a choice either way and not a default.

We always said we wouldn’t – the usual reasons, we enjoyed our snowboarding holidays, didn’t feel adult enough, weren’t sure it would be right to bring another person into the world, etc. Then she started muttering about biological clocks. I was still ambivalent, and now that I look back on it probably in denial right up until the thing popped out.

Then, yes, a switch flipped and I couldn’t imagine how we could have ever thought differently.

I can see why some might say not having a child is selfish. I bet the people who say that are parents. There’s some biological thing that goes on which means you suddenly stop prioritising yourself and start prioritising this small dependent lump. And when I look back, I think I probably was selfish before I had a child – but that’s not in any way a criticism of people who decide not to have a child. In many ways, we are the selfish ones – having a child is probably the least environmentally-friendly thing it’s possible to do.

I was ambivalent about it really , same things as others have said – do a lot of sport, away a lot etc. we started to talk about it a bit more and then wife announced she was pregnant in Jan, lost it at 9 weeks which was a bit of a bummer for both of us. Made us realize that it was the right thing and next one stuck – due at new year. I am utterly bricking myself (in a good way) 😀

It is a feeling beyond measure, being a dad. Nothing else matters…

that’s not in any way a criticism of people who decide not to have a child. In many ways, we are the selfish ones – having a child is probably the least environmentally-friendly thing it’s possible to do.

Exactly.

Not all that good at sustainable relationships so never happened. I’m 39 now and single again so it’s maybe unlikely.
My ex had two kids and we had some fantastic times together and for a while there I really felt like I was part of a ‘family’.

It was hard being the pretend-parent sometimes though and it comes with a lot of politics. I do love kids and feel like I’d be great most of the time but I do have unstable, negative periods which I’d not want a kid to have to deal with.

Also, with my fatalistic hat on, I feel this world as we know it is heading for some very, very chaotic and leveling times in the not so distant future. The lifestyle we have all come to know is based on finite resources and I’d hate for a child of mine to be dealing with that legacy.
Sorry, bit negative perhaps, but true 🙂

Having kids ? Couldnt think of much worse.

No one really recommends them very well.
I want free time.
I dont want to be responsible for them.
Too risky – you could have a kit whos a ****t.

The planet is way too full of people already.

I got married at 29, with the expectation of having children. A year after we got married my wife realized she was pregnant. Her two younger sisters were pregnant at the same time. It seemed a perfect moment for them all to be growing up together and sharing experiences.

Unbeknown to me she sought advice from her GP with a view to a termination. In her late teens she had had a psychiatric breakdown, was sectioned under the mental heatlh act. The full details of which she never fully disclosed to me. Her GP clearly did know more of the background, and asked me to privately visit the surgery to discuss her intention, but told me there was nothing in law that could prevent me from changing her mind. She was adamant she didn’t want children then, but to pacify me, said she may later.

The writing was on the wall, but I was blind. I spent the next ten years building a dream home, possibly compromising my own ambitions and opportunities as an artist. Basically digging a hole of denial.

With a TV crew poised to arrive for an interior design programme along the lines of Grand Designs, everything came to a head. The details are too grim even for here. The last night we spent together she ranted while I feined sleep (with eyes like saucers) that I was Thomas Hamilton ( the Dunblane Primary School shooter) and that she would never have a child with me. This was the first time she’d mentioned it in ten years.

I awoke early next morning the alarm bells of clarity deafening me. I got in the pick up, watched the place of all our dreams vanish in the rear view mirror without a whisper of doubt. I caught the first ferry south. She had no idea I’d gone. She feined concern and pleaded innocent.

It took me a further two years before I could fully tell myself what I’d been through and to confide with my mother or friends. It was a monumental relief. Divorce was protracted nightmare that took nearly four years.

Nearing fifty now, I figure it’s too late to have children. I have six great nephews and nieces.

My greatest sadness is mostly my blindness to my reality and having spent so long with much of my creative and parental potential neutered.

That point is now or never. We both wanted kids but the plain fact is that at around the age of 30 a woman’s fertility drops by 50% and then around 35 drops even further. The longer you wait, the harder it is to have kids.

Mrs NBT and I didn’t meet till it was too late, but we didn’t find that out until we’d been through several years of trying and a few heartbreaks.

To the OP – Don’t pretend, don’t mither, don’t prolong it. Make your decision and tell your OH

To all those up there who’ve been through shit like us, my heart goes out to you. DUsty in this office at the moment, I tell you

OP here.
Well that’s made some interesting,inciteful reading,thanks.
My first reaction is no to kids,but three months ago when she said there was something to tell me I thought “oh pregnant” and thought that’s ok,that’d be good,but no it was a new job.

But the thought of making a decision to to try(rather than practice) for a child scares me witless.I know she’s the one for me(had a few practice relationships to get here)and don’t want to lose her but know relationship will eventually fail if this isn’t dealt with now.

Right off for a ride.

Tazzy – to be honest I still can’t get my head around the dad thing and mostly hate it to bits

I think that’s the same for everyone though mate.. and part of the adventure.. the humbling realisation that there really are no certainties and absolutes.. except sleep deprivation and utterly relentless chaos and shit.. and that you are at the mercy of this howling, completely insane and irrational little bundle of frustrating hell.. forever striving to achieve a little perfection in your task, when in reality there can never be any..

but the exalted joys that they bring are transcendent, unbridled and soaring too..
what a strangely sublime trip..

McMoonter that is a harrowing tale, and one that I can partly relate to having been in some unsane friendships and relationships myself.. I feel some of your pain at least..
FWIW my brother-in-law started a new family at the age of 49 and has two incredibly charming kids as a result – he is an extraordinary ball of seemingly boundless energy though..

The most stressful, worrying thing I’ve ever done. I worry about him. We are constantly at the ENT/hospital appointments (and I currently worry that the forceps delivery has done some longterm damage). However the little moments. On Sunday we left a crowded lift and I said ‘say goodbye’ – he turned and blew a kiss 🙂

GrahamS basically summed it up:

“What the hell, we’ll never be ‘ready’ and we’re not getting any younger”

Now have two girls, 12 and 8. There are definitely moments when I wish I didn’t, but they are fleeting, and seeing them grow up is a pleasure and well worth the sacrifices you inevitably have to make.

There are so many others doing it, why follow the crowd.

The only person with a problem with this is my Mum, I’m an only child and she’d love Grand-kids, but that is not reason enough for me and my wife to change our minds.

I have two girls, 6 and 8.

Do i want kids. Sometimes – other times i’d happily post them back where they came from. These times can be but a few minutes apart, btw. It’s what being a parent is like.

My father was 50, my mother 42 when I was born. I don’t feel I missed out on anything as a child or as a young man although we are talking about a different era now.
I will be 55 in a week or so and within a further week I shall be a grandfather; within a further two months a grandfather for the second time! We didn’t let having babies/young children/teenagers stop us from doing anything; we involved them in pretty much anything we wanted to do. OK, their mother is a natural which was/is a big help, infact our children growing up and leaving home left a big hole in her life which was pretty hard to deal with. The forthcoming grandchildren are putting meaning back into her life.
Mcmoonter, I am moved by your post.

I’m 32 and don’t want kids. Mr Toast isn’t particularly fussed either.

It’s odd, as I love kids, but I don’t think I could go through the whole pregnancy thing, plus it would be the kiss of death to my career. My mother used to tell me how if she had her time again she wouldn’t have had kids (apparently it was my dad who wanted a family), and I never want to be in the situation where I had a child and resented it.

1st SO, erm she did I didn’t.
2nd SO, no, no blimmin way on my part.
3rd SO, tried but misscarages ensued, ended in tears.
Now, nope I’m thinking I’m happy not having them. MrsBouy did want them for a (short) while when we first met, me I would have done had I met her 10 years ago.

yes its great we have a 2yr old and another due in a couple of months and im nearly 36

i do find it frustrating not being able to ride (bike or the wife!)as much as id like, or go out clubbing, or having a lie-in or getting high 😉

but its all worth it my son is a constant source of amusement and pride and does a brilliant monkey impression

djglover – Member
On reflection, I don’t think I wanted kids, just more sex

And after that one sex too many it stopped for a long time.

Im 25 and just about to get married to my SO of 7 years

we have discussed it and both currently of the opinion that there is too much that we want to do with our lives. Lots of holidays, lots of experiances still to come. My SO also has absolutly no hint of being broody and and mostly refers to kids as screaming brats. Neither of us ‘like’ kids but i am told its different when they are yours!

Personally i could see me thinking seriously about it around age 32-35 but at the moment i still think the answer would be no. (and i think my SO would have the same answer)

Kids do stop you doing things to some extent though. For example, I want to do the great divide race. Not happening for a good while, neither is going out for an all day ride on a Saturday or going away for races. I want to sit around all evening watching TV without being bothered, that’s also not going to happen for a while 🙂

(and i think my SO would have the same answer)

Might be worth double checking that before the wedding 😉

My favourite comment is: “Yeah but you’ll change your mind at some point” … really?

I’m pretty good with kids in general, I’m pretty good with Dogs and Cats too – doesn’t mean I want one in my house all the time!

kids are like farts. Your own are wonderful and to be treasured, everyone else’s are horrible and disgusting and should be banned

Best thing I’ve done in my life is have the kids. It’s very hard work when they are little (lack of sleep etc) but hugely rewarding. It’s wonderful seeing them grow and develop into adulthood.

I had my kids when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s – It’s going to be tough being a dad for the first time in your 40’s make no mistake but it’s worth it. Also you need to think about your wife, they don’t get the option of having kids much later in life, they cannot afford to “wait and see”, if it’s going to happen now is a good time ….

we didn’t want kids, so have made that decision. You can’t miss what you don’t have. We have great relationship with various nices and nephews. Oh and we had dogs instead. Life is simplier, cheaper and we have time to ourselves to do want we want. Maybe we’ll foster in later life, maybe we won’t…

I find it amusing all these 20 somethings who think that because they definitely don’t want kids just now that has any bearing whatsoever on how they will feel in their late 30s.

I think there are young people who don’t wan’t kids and there are old people. I’ve yet to [remember] meet[ing] any old people who don’t want kids. Could you shout out if you’re in that category so I can be corrected.

I’ve never wanted kids and was absolutely sure I wasn’t going to have any.

Don’t mind any of the hassle of having kids as we love them to bits and it’s all part of it, with one exception:

Fixed school holidays are utter utter ****.

Kids unsupportive partners do stop you doing things to some extent though. For example, I want to do the great divide race. Not happening for a good while, neither is going out for an all day ride on a Saturday or going away for races.

I want to sit around all evening watching TV without being bothered, that’s also not going to happen for a while

eh? how do kids get in the way of this ^^