Something I had never thought about until yesterday (bum wiping content)

One of our group (particularly hairy) has to shower after every poo, its a right pain when everyones had breakfast and ready to ride and he suddenly says he needs a crap…

I thought it was only dogs that rolled in it?

poisonspider – Member

I use an outside to inside spiral motion centred on the bullethole.

I then insert a papered fingertip (just the tip mind, I’m no perv) just to make sure it’s all gone, I can then fart confident in the knowledge that no errant little pellet is going to pop out.

‘bullethole’, ‘just the tip’, ‘errant pellet’

STW post of the year award contender surely?

One of our group (particularly hairy) has to shower after every poo, its a right pain when everyones had breakfast and ready to ride and he suddenly says he needs a crap….

I didnt even realise there were b2f folk, i shall be trying that one later (or if my daily routine is anything to go by I shall have to wait til morning now).

Just on the same subject how many times do people actually need to use the b2f or f2b method (no, not how many wipes, how many visit to loo daily to use either method)??

Is the hairy fella sniffing his finger? Tha dorty bastid.

I find that if the daily frequency of needing a sit down evacuation is equal to “n” then it changes to “n+1” as soon as you pull on a pair of bib shorts, with the “+1” happening 10 minutes after climbing in to said shorts and 5 minutes after you should have left the house.

I concur with Harry’s observation. Plus the probability of n+1 occuring is increased if a healthy layer of chamois cream has just been applied.

2 a day. The atomic clocks in Anthorn and Mainflinger are set using my constitution.

It’s good practice for old age: when your sack hangs 2 inches lower than when you were 35, front to back is definitely more practical.

I always need to drop ordanance first thing in the morning after smelling freshly brewed coffee, don’t even need to drink it anymore

thats a caffeine addiction right?

Plus the probability of n+1 occuring is increased if a healthy layer of chamois cream has just been applied.

You’re risking an inadvertent knuckle deep job with the low friction chamois cream.

I like to try and get a bit of backspin on my ordanance

I have a large flanged wedding ring to prevent inadvertant over insertion.

Drunken one night stand many moons ago, realised the lady cocerned wiped B2F only after i started pulling chocolate raisins from my teeth… 😯

There goes the tone of this thread.

*speechless and slightly nauseous* ^^^^

This thread had a tone?

there goes the thread…..

It had. You’ve ruined it. 😉

i mix the two. start off b -> f while sat, and then finish f -> b whist stood/stooped. i’m a bit of a polisher, tbh, hate to have ‘owt left and can’t underdtand how anyone has a clean ‘area’ if they’ve only had 2 passes of the paper…

can’t underdtand how anyone has a clean ‘area’ if they’ve only had 2 passes of the paper…

Quite right. You have to go at it systematically until the job is done. Much like a Terminator hunting down various Sarah Connors.

…..fetches coat…. 😳

Fetche’s Coat

Is that a euphemisim for a thin film of poo on the teeth?

ok, ok! my bad. Having flashbacks now. Should have stayed off the snakebite.

That would be Felch’s Coat surely

No Harry, I believe you are confused with Felchers coat.

a daily dose of colonic irrigation saves the need to defecate

This is somewhat cathartic…

I can honestly say that I have never attempted to wipe whilst still seated. Surely there is a clearance issue – such as when replacing the starter motor of a 3.0l Capri. It’s bloody tight in there.

I have to be on my feet to give the crack a proper fettling.

My pet hate is ‘Deja Poo’ – having to go again 5 minutes after you’ve just been.
Usually happens the morning after a curry, shortly after you’ve created your first Jackson Pollock-esque masterpiece of the day.

only on STW , surely after CC’s post it has to stop … make it stop …. 😯

ART – this thread is like a nuclear powerstation – there is no OFF switch.

You’re all vile. Ok so I am laughing just a bit 😆

B2F is just wrong, you get dew drops on your wrist! Plus, on Big Ball Day, you have added obstacles to contend with.

Strictly F2B for me – I use the 3-pronged attack: alternate wipes on left and right sides, followed by a “wall of death” with a paper-wrapped digit.

And always remember, knees together, ankles apart for more efficient access.

ok. we can all stop trying the knees togethr ankles apart whilst sat staring at our screens. How can that work?

My son (2 weeks into potty training) likes to stand in the “frisking” position whilst somebody is sorting out the paperwork.

Shib – what on God’s Green Earth is Big Ball Day?

Is it something to with the Lotto?

I’ve just been for a pee in the work’s bogs and I could hear wipage from Trap 2. And I actually thought “I wonder how he’s wiping his arse.”

I am not comfortable with this – not a bit 😕

Cleary not getting a Lucky Dip every Saturday and Wednesday and the occasional Euro millions roll over.

B2F is just wrong, you get dew drops on your wrist!

No no – you have to dry Mr Johnson’s head before you reach on through.

Surely even F2Bers need to do this to avoid the dreaded wet penny when retrousered?

front to back of course

unless its a cling filmer.

I just sit down and scoot my arse along the carpet, like a dog with worms. I guess though that’s a front to back motion