Shite joke thread

I took a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes out last week. We had such a good time I phoned her last night to see if she fancied going out again but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

Too blokes walk into a pub and get served. While they’re waiting for their drinks one notices a strip of green tarmac sat in the corner staring at him.
“WTF are you looking at?” he demands.
“Oh Christ, don’t start on him” his mates pleads, “He’s a cyclepath.”

I went into a butchers the other day and bet the owner that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf.
“I can’t take that bet” he said, “The steaks are too high.”

What’s the difference between oral and anal?

One can make your whole day, the other can make your whole week.

Two elephants fall off a cliff- BOOM, BOOM!

One elephant was carrying a drum kit – ba-dum tish

yup, that’s my coat

I saw an AA man sitting in his truck with his head in his hands and crying.

I think he was heading for a breakdown.

I’ve got an Irish mate who doesn’t have much luck with the ladies, so he got an inflatable one. I asked him how he was getting on with her and he said “it was all right, but I gave a love bite and she farted and flew out of the window”

(boom, tish, coat)

An iron pub? Rofl

What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in your scottish garden?

You root it ooot!

Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?

…. Dr Dre

😳

possibly may get me modded, but one of my favorites.
(my other favorites DEFINTALY would get me modded

As a seasonal gesture the Tampax factory are currently
replacing all the string on their tampons with tinsel…
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……but only for the Christmas period.

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Don’t worry, I’m not here all week….

….I’ve got to drive down to Sussex after Boxing Day 😉

What’s grey and comes in pints? …. an elephant

What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?….. swim

What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?….wipe it off and apologise.

Knock-knock

who’s there?

Pile up

pile up who

Immature no?
The demand was for shite jokes after all – something more erudite/geeky…

There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those who can count binary and those who can’t.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those who can count binary and those who can’t

Very good

You know we were so poor I had to wear my sister’s hand me downs.
It was hard, but I dragged myself up and out of there.

how do you know if you’ve passed an elephant?

the toilet won’t flush properly

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.
He said, ” Only if you make up the time.”
I said, ” OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

What do you call a man who’s been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder?
These are good crackers, aren’t they? Who bought these?

There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those who can count binary and those who can’t

Very good

It gets better (depending on POV)…

There 10 kinds of people in the world – those who can count ternary, those who can’t and those who mistake it for binary

hilarious stuff 🙂

The world`s untidiest man has sadly just died. His body is now lying in a state.

Ronnie B

Aren’t there 10 types of people in the world – those who understand quaternary, those who don’t, those who mistake it for binary and those who find this sort of thing amusing?

Merry christmas everyone. Sorry it’s early, I suffer from premature congratulations.

I got very upset in the petrol station earlier. I don’t know why, I just started filling up.

my favourite crap joke is too long to bother typing (or you reading!) but it ends with ‘Fish Chimps and Mushy Bees’.

Here it is.

I was riding my bike across the playing fields of the local Islamic school yesterday when someone shot at me with a starting pistol.

The police think the incident may be race related.

Everybody knows that crocodiles can swim better than humans.
What’s not so well known is that an adult crocodile can run pretty fast on dry land too.
So if you’re ever up against a crocodile in a triathlon, you’d better be good on a bike.

Aren’t there 10 types of people in the world – those who understand quaternary, those who don’t, those who mistake it for binary and those who find this sort of thing amusing?

Nope, there are 2 kinds of people in the world; those who think there are 2 kinds of people in the world and those who don’t 😆

found mr whippy on the floor of his ice cream van earlyer, he was covered in flakes and henreds and thousends.

we soon realised he had topped himself.

I think I’ve solved the Joanna Yeates murder enquiry:
Who could sneak into your house without causing a disturbance?
Silently abduct you and knock you unconscious without leaving a mark?
And has a penchant for pizza?
I’ll bet it’s those **** Ninja Turtles!
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Too soon?

Quite possibly kt1973.

Went to the doctor and told him I keep thinking I’m Tom Jones.
“Well,” he said, “it’s not unusual”.

My mate drowned in a bowl of museli the other day- he was pulled in by a strong currant….

My racing snail wasn’t winning anymore so I decided to take his shell off, reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn’t work. If anything it made him more sluggish.

A group of chess players were sat talking after a tournament at the Ritz. Each enjoyed giving details of their best game of the tournament. Suddenly the manager came over and ordered them out of the hotel. One asked him why and his reply was

“I can’t stand Chess Nuts Boasting In An Open Foyer”

Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?
They kept putting the willies up each other.

Priest checks into a hotel and asks reception “I hope porn channel is disabled”.
Reception guy replies “nah just normal you sicko”

My new years resolution for 2010 was to stop sniffing glue….So far, I’ve stuck to it…..I’ll try again in 2011.

I just opened my freezer and saw a little alien having a ****. I said, “What the hell are you doing?” He said, “I cum in peas”.

I went to a fishmongers and asked for a large haddock.
“Ok” he said, “wont be long”
“Better be bl**dy wide then!” I said

Denzildoorknob – Member
mY LOCAL FAMILY BUTCHER’S SELLING EIGHT VENISON LEGS FOR £49.99……

Does anyone think that’s too dear?

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wow, bet they’re quick! Don’t know why people want to mess around with genetics, – sick.

Doe…..