Shite joke thread

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  • Shite joke thread
  • I wil kick off:

    As good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

    “Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

    “Ahhh, that’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!”

    The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. “Did this actually happen to you?”

    “Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

    rossi46
    Member

    Two elephants fall off a cliff- BOOM, BOOM!

    I’ll get my coat….

    Tom83
    Member

    Two nuns are driving through a forest late at night. When all of a sudden a vampire lands on their bonnet.

    One of the nuns yells at the other “Quick Sister, show him you’re cross!”

    So the other nuns winds down the window and yells “F*** off!!!”.

    sc-xc
    Member

    where does santa sleep?

    – rudolph the bed nosed reindeer

    rossi46
    Member

    I was pulled over by the police the other day for having a pile of snow on the roof of my car.

    It’s fine, i got away with it- i told him it was a flat pack igloo from Ikea!

    5thElefant
    Member

    A penguin is taking a road trip when his car breaks down. He pushes his car to a garage and asks the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic tells him give him a few minutes to find the problem.

    The penguin goes over to a supermarket, buys an ice cream. He then waddles back over to the mechanic.

    Glancing up from for the car, the mechanic says ‘Looks like you’ve blown a seal.’

    The penguin blushes, wipes his beak with his flipper and says, ‘No, it’s just ice cream.’

    tazzymtb
    Member

    I’ve just been up in the loft to get the Christmas decorations down and found a present that I’d bought for the children last year – damn, I’m sure they would have loved that puppy

    I saw a bloke let his dog walk straight out in front of a lorry this morning.

    The cruel bugger didn’t even flinch when it was killed. He was too busy standing round, trying to look cool in his sunglasses.

    Tommy Sheridan’s worried about the reception he’ll get in jail, so he’s put a request in to be held in solidarity confinement 😀

    Why did the baker have brown hands?

    Because he kneaded a poo!

    Jim_Kirk
    Member

    Did you hear about the Irish jelly fish?

    It set.

    bloodynora
    Member

    Kid making a Christmas wish…. ‘And Santa can you please send some clothes for those poor children on daddy’s computer’….

    Premier Icon PeteG55
    Subscriber

    Two parrots sat on a perch. First parrot says “Can you smell fish?”

    Three_Fish
    Member

    1. Two snowmen in a garden. One looks at the other and says “Can you smell carrots?”.

    2. What’s grey and can’t swim? A filing cabinet.

    Mr Woppit
    Member

    Pony goes into a bar and orders a pint. Barman says “You’ll have to speak up, I can’t hear you”. Pony says:

    “I’m sorry, I’m a little horse”…

    Jujuuk68
    Member

    When I first met her, there was this instant spark between us…

    And as I held her in my arms, and got my hand into her blouse, I thought…

    “wow, these Tazer guns are great!”

    Haze
    Member

    I got knocked off my bike last night, cut up by a big truck with flashing yellow lights and “salt spreading” plastered all over it.

    “Bastard” I muttered to myself through gritted teeth.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.

    His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    A midget in my town had his wallet stolen by a pickpocket.

    Unbelievable. How could anyone stoop so low?

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    Nobody in Yemen likes the Flintstones.

    Which is funny, because people in Abu Dhabi do.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    Just watching “How Science Changed Our World” on BBC1 right now.

    Inspired, I decided to try to recreate the Big Bang at home. But I just didn’t have the time or the space.

    mY LOCAL FAMILY BUTCHER’S SELLING EIGHT VENISON LEGS FOR £49.99……

    Does anyone think that’s too dear?

    Premier Icon jonnyv
    Subscriber

    Took a dyslexic bird home last night,
    and she ended up cooking my sock.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    Wanted, £20,000 reward.

    Schroedinger’s Cat.

    Dead or Alive.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    Denzil > yeah, that’s dead dear.

    Xylene
    Member

    What’s purple and lies on the bottom of the ocean?

    Moby Plum.

    POSTED 16 MINUTES AGO # REPORT-POST

    Mine is shite but yours is shite AND unpopular!!

    DrP
    Member

    I used to have some epileptic shoes.
    They don’t fit any more now though.

    DrP

    nick1962
    Member

    Two goldfish in a tank.
    One turns to the other and says
    “Where did learn to drive a tank?”

    Premier Icon maccruiskeen
    Subscriber

    A man walks into a pub

    *clang!*

    it was an iron pub

    Premier Icon Brainflex
    Subscriber

    a man walks into a bar

    #clang#

    it was an iron bar!

    megastream
    Member

    I bought a wig made of bum hair the other day.
    Damn thing keeps blowing off

    Premier Icon coolhandluke
    Subscriber

    What’s brown and sticky?

    A stick.

    Premier Icon Onzadog
    Subscriber

    Cougar, isn’t it “wanted; dead AND alive”?

    Premier Icon coolhandluke
    Subscriber

    Two men got arrested, one for being dressed as a battery, the other for being dressed as a firework.

    The police charged one and let the other one off.

    Premier Icon coolhandluke
    Subscriber

    Whats pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pajamas?

    Your mum.

    whats the diffrence between a JCB and a giraffe??

    a jcb has hydraulics and a giraffe has high bolloxs.

    Premier Icon drain
    Subscriber

    A gang recently broke into a Viagra warehouse. Police have warned locals to look out for hardened criminals.

    Premier Icon maccruiskeen
    Subscriber

    maccruiskeen – Member
    A man walks into a pub

    *clang!*

    it was an iron pub

    POSTED 8 HOURS AGO #
    Brainflex – Member
    a man walks into a bar

    #clang#

    it was an iron bar!

    A man walks into a tavern

    @clang@

    it was an iron tavern

    samuri
    Member

    I took a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes out last week. We had such a good time I phoned her last night to see if she fancied going out again but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

    Too blokes walk into a pub and get served. While they’re waiting for their drinks one notices a strip of green tarmac sat in the corner staring at him.
    “WTF are you looking at?” he demands.
    “Oh Christ, don’t start on him” his mates pleads, “He’s a cyclepath.”

    I went into a butchers the other day and bet the owner that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf.
    “I can’t take that bet” he said, “The steaks are too high.”

    BillMC
    Member

    What’s the difference between oral and anal?

    One can make your whole day, the other can make your whole week.

    Two elephants fall off a cliff- BOOM, BOOM!

    One elephant was carrying a drum kit – ba-dum tish

    yup, that’s my coat

    I saw an AA man sitting in his truck with his head in his hands and crying.

    I think he was heading for a breakdown.

    toab
    Member

    I’ve got an Irish mate who doesn’t have much luck with the ladies, so he got an inflatable one. I asked him how he was getting on with her and he said “it was all right, but I gave a love bite and she farted and flew out of the window”

    (boom, tish, coat)

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