Crap jokes

have you ever been caught masturbating in a wardrobe?
(no)
it’s a brilliant hiding place, isn’t it?

Reminds me of a strange guy back at school who may or may not have been joking.

Ere, you ever been caught sniffing yer mum’s knickers?

No

Oh. You’ve been careful then.

Or the one about being caught masturbating by your mum – so embarrassing. Didn’t expect her to wake up.

Did you hear about the non-binary gold prospector?

They made a fortune in them/their hills.

“Hi, I’d like to hear a TCP joke.”

“Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?”

“Yes, I’d like to hear a TCP joke.”

“Ok, I’ll tell you a TCP joke.”

“Ok, I will hear a TCP joke.”

“Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?”

“Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.”

“Ok, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.”

“Ok, I am ready to get your TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have an explicit setting, and ends with a punchline.”

“I’m sorry, your connection has timed out….

Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?”

The only way to follow that would be a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if you’d get it.

so, what says “Pieces of seven, pieces of seven”?

.

.

a parroty error

I used to be obsessed with Phil Collins, but take a look at me now

My partner said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was kidding, but then I saw her face…

The only way to follow that would be a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if you’d get it.

No shit, I got offered a job on the back of using that as a reply to a question in an interview. The two techies in the panel of three sniggered and I think I knew I was in with a chance at that point.

I used to think I was Tom Jones. I asked the doctor if that was a common problem and he said it’s not unusual

Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? Because the parrots eat em all…………………………

I bought a car from Bonnie Tyler. It’s a great little runner most of the time, but every now and then it falls apart.

(you need to do the voice really, but I’d already typed it out so, **** it)

(and yes, before Which Tyler turns up again I know it’s really every now and then > I < fall apart, which completely disqualifies it as a joke in my wife’s eyes. )

Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? Because the parrots eat em all

It’s the same thing with playing cards in the Savannah. Don’t do it, too many cheetahs.

Sent a resume in to work for the historic Citroen owners club last week, but was rejected.

Turns out they were only interested in folk with 2 CV’s.

Have you heard about the new Satnav being made in Haiti? It’s called the Tom-Tom Macoute…

My penis was once in a Guinness book of records until the librarian told me to take it out.

Ever noticed how Scottish place names feature in F1 drivers names?

Lewis Hamilton
Stirling Moss
Eddie Irvine
Ayr Town Centre

Ever noticed how Scottish place names feature in F1 drivers names?

Lewis Hamilton
Stirling Moss
Eddie Irvine
Ayr Town Centre

Emerson Footdee-paldi

My girlfriend tells me that ^^^ only works if you pronounce it properly.
But I’m guessing that was Donald’s point

She’s a rare quine gordimhor 🙂

A man runs into the doctor’s office and screams “Doctor, doctor! I’m shrinking!”

The doctor calmly replies, “I’m afraid you’re going to have to be a little patient.”

what do you call a person who keeps telling bad jokes?

a taxi!

I just asked the woman in Waterstones if Prince Harry’s book is available to download.
She said ‘do you want the PDF file?’
I said no, that’s his uncle.

My willy was in the Guiness Book of Records.

Then the librarian asked me to take it out.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the toilet?

Because the pee is silent.

If there’s one author I can’t stand it’s Nick Hornby. He stole my train set.

Spent 4 hours last night weaving a belt out of herbs. What a waist of thyme that turned out to be.

I heard Richard Marx and Skid Row are working on an album together.

Richard Row?

Touring with Chris Straits I believe.

someone suggested that Fleetwood Mac are going to re release their best selling album with John McVie’s part edited out.

But turns out it was baseless rumours

Just heard that vandals have smashed up the Chinese supermarket.

No motive at all. Just Wonton destruction.

An unemployed person showed up at the job centre in Portsmouth, to see if there was an offer for him.

When he arrived, he saw a sign that said ‘Gynecologist’s Assistant Needed’

Went to the counter and asked:

– Can you give me more information about this job?

And the advisor said:

– No problem! Job is to prepare patients for the examination.

You should help them undress and thoroughly wash their genitals. Then get public hair waxed with shaving cream and a new razor. Next, gently rub oil on their bits so that they are ready for gynecologist observation.

The monthly salary is £3,500. But you have to go to Edinburgh.

– Why, is the job there?

– No, that’s where the end of the queue is!…

Why couldn’t Mickey Mouse take his helicopter to Glasgow?

disnae land.

I can’t work out whether the underside of an elephant is its chest or its torso.

It’s a big grey area.

Why couldn’t Mickey Mouse take his helicopter to Glasgow?

disnae land.

The version of this I’ve heard is, “what’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?”  Bing sings and Walt disnae.

I think yours is better.

According to Corinthians 6:19 my body is a temple. Therefore, as a place of worship, I don’t have to pay taxes.

I was on a train the other day, my seat was at a table where two other guys were sitting. One was wearing jeans and T-shirt, the other had on a jumper with a picture of Lenin on it, a Hammer & Sickle badge and was reading Karl Marx’s Das Kapital, obviously a communist I thought. 

I said hello. The first guy introduced himself, he was Swedish and said his name was Bjorn. I said hello to the other guy but he just said “**** off, I’m reading” 

Bjorn apologised for his friend and said that his name was Ulf.

I said that I quite fancied a beer and asked if there was a bar on the train. Ulf said ‘It’s in the buffet car you tosser. The IPA there is excellent, but I would avoid the stout if I were you. Also, the guard has a little microbrewery in his van, definitely worth trying. Now shut up and **** off and let me read”

I went off to see what I could find, I asked the guard about his little brewery and he gave me a pint and it was indeed very good. I took it back to the table and sat down.

After a while Ulf stood up and said “Move you dickhead”

I stood up and Ulf headed off to the toilet 

I asked Bjorn what was up with him. He was very rude, although his recommendation for the beer had been spot on. And what was with all the communist stuff?

“Oh that’s just how he is” said Bjorn, “but rude Ulf the red knows train beer”