I went to the zoo last weekend. There was only a small long-haired dog there. It was a Shih Tzu.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam.

Did you hear about the French fishmonger who killed his cheating wife and her lover?
French police are calling it a crime of poisson.

Beethoven joue le piano

Orange, Orange, Orange,

Hmm, non, non, non,

Banane, banane, banane,

Hmm, non, non, non,

Pomme, Pomme Pomme!!!!

My sister works at the gas board if you want to meet her? (Meet her, meter – Geddit??)

What do you call a man who’s been dead for 300yrs? Pete

What do you call a man who’s legs have been cut off at the knees? Neil

What do you call a fisherman who’s legs have been cut of at the knees? Rodney

What cheese do you use to lure a bear out of the woods? Camembert

A polar bear walks into a bar and says “can I have a …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………pint of beer?”
Barman says “what’s with the big pause?”

A liar, a racist and a misogynist walk into a pub and the barman says ‘what can I get you Boris?’

I went to the zoo last weekend. There was only a small long-haired dog there. It was a Shih Tzu.

I think I’ve been to the same zoo. When I visited they just had a cage with a baguette in it. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

What cheese do you use to lure a bear out of the woods? Camembert

What cheese do you use to disguise a horse?

Mascarpone.

My girlfriend loves cheese so much, she had me paint her in the stuff. Twice.

I double-glossed her.

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.

What did the weight conscious cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

Thank god I’m not feta

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug

What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.

A photon checks into a hotel, where the receptionist asks where its suitcase is.
The photon replies, “I didn’t bring any luggage. I’m traveling light.

Q: Why can’t you trust an atom?
A: They make up everything.

Q: What does a mathematician do about constipation?
A: He works it out with a pencil.

1: My wife went on holiday recently.
2. Jamaica?
1. No, she went of her own choice.

My wife went to Indonesia.
Jakarta?
No, she went by plane.

My wife doesn’t know where to go on holiday.

Alaska?

I already did.

My neighbour just won the World Championship for most washing hung out in an hour. He was quite emotional when I asked him about it, he said “Its a lot to take in”.

What’s green, got six legs and if it fell out of a tree and hit you on the head it would kill you?

A snooker table.

What’s green and red and goes round and round very fast?

A frog in a blender.

A photon checks into a hotel, where the receptionist asks where its suitcase is.
The photon replies, “I didn’t bring any luggage. I’m traveling light.

That’s not crap, it’s brilliant and I’m totally stealing it.

Every Halloween, the tabloids all run stories about vampires – but you never see any in The Mirror.

What’s another word for a Thesaurus?

There’s a mummy balloon a daddy balloon and a child balloon all going to bed.

Child balloon asks if they can sleep in mummy and daddys bed, No child there’s not enough room, go sleep in your own room.
The kid waits until their parents are asleep,
They go to the dad balloon and let a little bit of air out of him, still not enough room.
They then go to the mum balloon and let a bit out air out of her, still not enough room.
Finally they let a little bit of air out of themselves, perfect, gets into their bed and falls asleep.

Mum and Dad wake up in the morning, What are you doing in our bed? We’re disappointed with you as you have not only let your mum and dad down but you’ve let yourself down as well.

———————————————————————————————–

A man tries to enter a club, but the bouncer refuses as he has no tie, he walks back to his car and finds some jump leads, that’ll do, makes them into a tie and goes back.

Bouncer turns round, ok i’ll let you in just dont start anything.

When I was in Australia they told me the best way to light a bbq was to whack it with a hammer but I could never get it work.l

I just kept hitting snags.

Who is your favourite vampire?
I like the one on Sesame Street
Come off it, he doesn’t count
I think you’ll find that is exactly what he does!

Bloke down the pub tried to sell me 8 legs of venison for 40 quid
I thought that’s too dear

Went to a bakers and he had every cake on sale in the shop for a pound except a couple on the top shelf that wer £2
I asked what was special about those and he said “those are Madeira cakes”

My wife went on a gambling holiday to the South of France
Toulouse?
Nah, she wants to win something if she can.

What game do you play with a wombat?

Wom.

Rimmer:
[trying to demonstrate his flirtation technique] Would you like a worm-do?

Lister:
What’s that then?

Rimmer:
Lister, that’s not how it works. I ask if you want to join me for a cocktail, you say yes, I ask if you want a worm-do, you say ‘what’s a worm-do?’ and then I say-

Lister:
‘Oh, it wriggles along the ground like this.’

What game do you play with a wombat?

Wom.

This. This I like.

Man gets hit right in the gob by a ninja star, ‘what kung fu dat den?’

Q: How do you titillate an ocelot?
A: Oscillate it’s tits a lot.

What goes black white black white black white?

A nun rolling down a hill.

Emergency exits.
I hear they are on the way out.

I wasn’t very hungry yesterday so I just grabbed a kids meal from McDonalds.
His Mum was livid.

I am glad all the usual suspects are present and correct.

Q: If it takes a fly a week to walk a fortnight, how long does it take to sandpaper an elephant down to a greyhound?

A: A lemon.

Emergency exits.
I hear they are on the way out.

Corduroy pillow cases:
They’re making headlines, y’know…

What goes black white black white black white?
A nun rolling down a hill.

What goes black white hee hee hee?
The nun that pushed her.

Are you a bit of rope?
No, I am a frayed knot

I fixed the horn on the local Scout group’s van.
Beep repaired

At work, we’ve made major breakthroughs in solving our grounding issues. I present:

Portable Earth pic.twitter.com/83BqDDCTcc

— tech (@techtiggie) March 28, 2022

What’s the name of that Japanese car thief?
Tommi Tukamota.

The Chinese thug? Chin Yu Won.

The Russian with Covid? Ivor Nastychestikoff.