Viewing 40 posts - 1 through 40 (of 259 total)
  • Crap jokes
  • bearnecessities
    Full Member

    A man sees a sign outside a house – ‘Talking Dog For Sale .’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

    The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

    “Do you really talk?” he asks the dog.
    “Yes,” the Labrador replies.
    After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story.”

    The Labrador looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
    “In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years”.
    “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
    I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired.”

    The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

    “Ten quid,” the owner says.

    “£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”

    “Because he’s a lying bastard, he’s
    never been out of the garden.”

    mattyfez
    Full Member

    Your wife has alopecia, I’ll look forward to GI Jane 2.

    Sorry, I could not resist.

    maccruiskeen
    Full Member

    What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

    You get a wooly jumper

    What do you get if you cross a sheep with a cow?

    you get a baaaaaad moooood

    What to you get if you cross The Atlantic with The Titanic?

    You get about half way.

    wheeliedirty
    Free Member

    What do you call a man with a sea gull on his head? Cliff

    What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

    What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug

    jonnyrobertson
    Full Member

    Whenever I try and explain or describe something I always seem to use a fictional narrative or imagery to explain what I mean. I think I suffer from chronic allegories.

    matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    What did Chris Rock find on his face this morning?

    Fresh Prints.

    bruneep
    Full Member

    maccruiskeen
    Full Member

    What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that lies on the floor?
    Matt.

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs balanced on a plinth?
    Art.

    matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that lies on the floor?
    Matt.

    Oi.
    I resemble that joke.

    tazzymtb
    Full Member

    what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

    bob

    what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a paper bag?

    russel

    tazzymtb
    Full Member

    what do call a monkey in a minefield?

    a baboom

    tazzymtb
    Full Member

    whays brown and smells of pine?

    a poo in a radox bath

    GlennQuagmire
    Free Member

    What do you call a cow with two legs?
    Lean beef.

    What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef.

    What do you call a cow with one leg?
    Steak.

    tazzymtb
    Full Member

    what’s ET short for?

    cos he’s got little legs

    baddddad
    Free Member

    I just saw a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.

    It was a lamb bikini 😐

    ads678
    Full Member

    Why did the monkey fall out the tree?

    Cos it was dead.

    Why did the chicken fall out the tree?

    Cos it was stapled to the monkey!

    darthpunk
    Free Member

    Whats red and invisible?

    No tomatoes

    johndoh
    Free Member

    Why did the baker have smelly fingers?

    Because he kneaded a poo.

    baddddad
    Free Member

    Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me !!

    Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

    WorldClassAccident
    Free Member

    Why did the monkey fall out the tree?
    Cos it was dead.
    Why did the 2nd monkey fall out the tree?
    Cos it was stapled to the 1st monkey
    Why did the 3rd monkey fall out the tree?
    Cos it thought it was a game
    Why did the tree fall over?
    Cos it thought it was a monkey

    What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
    Humphry
    What do you call a camel with 4 humps?
    Saudi Quattro
    Why do they call the camel the Ship of the Desert?
    Because it is full of Arab seamen

    How do you get 4 elephants in a mini?
    2 in the front and 2 in the back
    How can you tell if there is an elephant in the fridge?
    Footprints in the butter
    How can you tell if there are 2 elephants in the fridge?
    Sounds of giggling
    How can you tell if there are 3 elephants in the fridge?
    You can’t shut the door
    How can you tell if there are 4 elephants in the fridge?
    There is an empty mini parked outside

    Who do you get 2 whales in a mini?
    Down the M4 and over the bridge

    I spent a lot of my childhood on long boring car journeys.

    BigJohn
    Full Member

    Why did the pervert cross the road?

    He couldn’t get his dick out of the chicken.

    MarkyG82
    Full Member

    What’s brown and sticky?

    ….a stick.

    What’s green and hangs from trees?

    …. giraffe snot.

    richardkennerley
    Full Member

    What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

    Nobody knows.

    RustyNissanPrairie
    Full Member

    What does 100mph on a washing line?

    Hondapants

    (Literally the only joke I can remember. I am not fun at parties)

    Scapegoat
    Full Member

    What’s brown and sticky?

    My Beyoncé poster…….

    stevious
    Full Member

    What did the pirate say 1 year after he turned 79?

    Aye Matey.

    theotherjonv
    Full Member

    What’s brown and sticky?

    My Beyoncé poster…….

    The joke for all occasions, anyone risking a ban for ver3?

    Pyro
    Full Member

    What do you call a woman who throws all her bills in the fire?

    Bernadette.

    Pyro
    Full Member

    Why’s Edward Woodward got so many D’s in his name?

    Because without them he’d be E-war Woo-war

    PJM1974
    Free Member

    We’re a big fan of comedy here, my wife loves knob gags.

    I can’t ever persuade her to wear one though.

    matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    1: My wife went on holiday recently.
    2. Jamaica?
    1. No, she went of her own choice.

    GlennQuagmire
    Free Member

    1: My wife went on holiday recently.
    2. Jamaica?
    1. No, she went of her own choice.

    My wife went to Indonesia.
    Jakarta?
    No, she went by plane.

    Superficial
    Free Member

    Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me !!

    Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

    Oi.
    I resemble that joke.

    nbt
    Full Member

    Bon, Darth Vader se trouve dans la boulangerie.

    Alors, tu sais ce qu’il commande?

    Il commande deux tartes tatin et trois pains.

    Et tu sais comment il leur commande?

    PAIN, PAIN, PAIN, TARTE TATIN, TARTE TATIN…

    MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    Bon, Darth Vader se trouve dans la boulangerie.

    Alors, tu sais ce qu’il commande?

    Il commande deux tartes tatin et trois pains.

    Et tu sais comment il leur commande?

    PAIN, PAIN, PAIN, TARTE TATIN, TARTE TATIN…

    Possibly a crap joke if you’re French, but I thought that was pretty classy

    johndoh
    Free Member

    What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
    – Edward Woodward

    What do you call a man made entirely of body parts?
    – Tony Hancock

    PrinceJohn
    Full Member

    I would tell you a joke about pizza, but it’s a bit cheesy

    bigblackshed
    Full Member

    What’s blue and fluffy?

    Blue fluff.

    What’s pink and fluffy?

    Blue fluff holding its breath.

    DaveyBoyWonder
    Free Member

    Whats brown and sticky?
    A stick.

    An alligator can live to be 100 years old which is why there is an high chance it will see you later.

    Janet Street-Porter goes into a bar and says “Could I have a large aperitif?” The barman replies “its unlikely darling”.

    jonnyfelloff
    Free Member

    Why do you never see elephants playing hide and seek? Because they’re good at it.

Viewing 40 posts - 1 through 40 (of 259 total)

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