Is he currently in the cells?

(Hah, ‘currently’, I did an accidental funny)

(I feel no crap jokes thread would be complete without some light bulb jokes)

Went in to a hardware store yesterday to buy an energy saver light bulb.

Guy behind the counter asked “Are you going to put it up yourself”?

“Nah” I replied, “It’s for the front room”

How do you define e-business?

Commerce in Yorkshire.

Went into a St Helens hardware shop and asked them if the sell turps

“certainly sir – do you want audio turps or video turps?”

Zoolologists are pleased to announce the discovery of a new species of lizard.

Inhabiting the arid regions of the south-western United States, the lizard boasts a poisonous bite but no arms.

Experts have named it the ‘Gilet Monster’.

I’m scared of giants.
I have feefiphobia

Title text: At first I didn’t get why they were warning me about all those birds sitting on the wire, but then I understood.

great pollies of our time anagrammed:

McEggo Arsejob
Nosh Job on Sir
Hi Risk Anus
RatsRme

I call my wife Man U. She kicks off every 20 minutes …

View post on imgur.com

Here’s another: Lippi Tater

I’ve begun investing heavily in beef, chicken and vegetable stocks. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

@welshfarmer

That joke really is souper.

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in a bowl of water. If it sinks then it’s a girl ant.

(true story)
I was out at the beach yesterday and spotted an orange thing close to the shore.

turned to my wife and said, ‘there’s a vampire in the sea’

it was a lost buoy.

I was queueing for the loos at the Platinum Jubille party at the weekend when that Diana Ross tried to push in at the fron of the queue

I told her straght, You can’t hurry love, you’ll just have to wait

After Elton John’s performance at the jubilee concert, I went round his house and punched him in the face.

The two faced bastard called the police…

(another true story)
Was in the somewhat overgrown garden, small acer tree, poppies and the veggies.

wife commented that her potatoes weren’t growing in one area, but they were fine in another.

I said I blame motorhead.

because

the Acer shades…….

The other night a girl was convinced that she knew me from Vegetarian Club. But I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

I didn’t meat herbivore?

We were hoping to get married in a library

Unfortunately it was fully booked

I’ve just bought a GPS computer for the bike.

The bloke who sold it to me claimed that it was previously owned by Roger McGuinn of sixties folk-rockers, The Byrds.

Apparently it features ‘turn-by-turn-by-turn’ navigation.

My youngest has just come downstairs from watching TV in his bedroom . He said ” dad , what’s love juice? ” . After nearly choking on my brew , I though I’d better be honest and said ” son , sit down I will tell you, when a women gets sexually excited , her vagina gets wet , and that’s love juice. He just stared back at me in total bewilderment. I said ” anyway, what are you watching up in your bedroom. He said ” Wimbledon ” Dad

Had someone today proffer a ten pound note for some goods that came to £10.36.
I said to him “ we’re gonna need a bigger note”
He didn’t laugh but I awarded myself a Perrier award.

I got invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society’s annual dinner dance, so I phoned them up to ask for the dress code.

The lady on the other end of the phone replied “just come in your pants”

I’ve just bought a GPS computer for the bike.

The bloke who sold it to me claimed that it was previously owned by Roger McGuinn of sixties folk-rockers, The Byrds.

I got one of those only it had a celebrity voice, Bonnie Tyler.

I’m still here.

I called out pest control to investigate a potential mouse nest.

They lifted the skirting boards and, surprise, surprise, found a mouse nest.

Not only did the mouse nest feature tiny tables and tiny chairs.
There was also a tiny bar with a tiny jazz band of mice.

Pest control are confident that it’s some kind of ‘squeekeasy’.

My wife keeps telling me to stop doing my flamingo impersonation.

I’ve had to put my foot down.

I went to hospital with a toilet brush up my arse.

The doctor said, “How did this happen?”I said, “Well I met this bird in a club, one thing led to another and we ended up back at mine…”
He said, “Into the kinky stuff was she?”

I said, “No … my wife was home”.

I was shocked to learn my friend who works in the Roads Dept was a thief. However looking back on it, the last time I was in his house all the signs were there.

The town hall was hosting a Rockabilly theme night.
I decided to pay a visit, just to see who else would turn up.

What’s pink and hard in the morning?

The FT crossword.

What did the German boy say to his Mum after he pushed his brother off the cliff?

Look Mum – no Hans……

It’s probably about time for this one again, then.

>>

A man goes into a seafood restaurant and orders fresh squid. The waiter wheels over a trolley containing an aquarium, and the man examines the dishes-to-be.

“I’ll have that pale green little one there, please” says the customer.

“The one with the moustache? OK then” replies the waiter, and calls out “Gervais!!”

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to prepare the squid. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face and over its moustache. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn’t the heart to kill the squid.

“I know,” thinks the waiter, and takes it to the enormous German dishwasher bloke. “Hans,” he asks, “could you do the honours?”

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid when it cringes back and gives a little cry. “I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid” Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

“Well,” says the waiter, reappearing, “it just goes to show. Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervais… With mild green, hairy lip squid.”

Cougar – do you know how old you have to be to get that?

Look Mum – no Hans……

Coffee, everywhere….

Cougar – do you know how old you have to be to get that?

It was running well into the 90s I think.

I don’t, however, care. 😁

Cougar – do you know how old you have to be to get that?

39 is old enough 🙂

Man walks into a bar looking all hot & sweaty.
He says to the barman – I’ll have a glass of H2O please.
Barman dutifully delivers a long cool glass of iced water, which the man drinks down.
The guy opposite says “that looks nice – I’ll have some H2O too please”.
Barman asks him if he’s sure that’s what he wants – the man confirms “I’ll have some H2O too”.
Barman comes back with a glass of clear liquid.
The man duly knocks it back in one – gasps and drops dead!
What the hell was that? the first man exclaims.

The barman calmly responds – I just gave him what he ordered – H2O2…

Moral: Life’s a bleach and then you die?

(also, that should probably be “H2O too” or it blows the punchline)