Crap jokes

speaking of bleach…

‘Hey mate, what’s your ringtone?’

Never had a chance to look, but I reckon it’s brownish

(Dean Martin voice)

When you swim in the sea
And an eel bites your knee
That’s a moray

I got invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society’s annual dinner dance, so I phoned them up to ask for the dress code.

The lady on the other end of the phone replied “just come in your pants”

I was invited to this in error. I had to phone up and tell them I couldn’t come.

My mate was invited as well though. He came early. Etc.

nbt
Full Member
I was queueing for the loos at the Platinum Jubille party at the weekend when that Diana Ross tried to push in at the fron of the queue

I told her straght, You can’t hurry love, you’ll just have to wait

Can we please reissue this with an update.

have you ever been caught masturbating in a wardrobe?
(no)
it’s a brilliant hiding place, isn’t it?

In local news, a man has been admitted to hospital with two dozen model horses in his rectum.

His condition is described as stable.

I had to quit my job at the cat rescue sanctuary.

They’d reduced meowers.

Make it stop!!!!! Actually no, they’re painfully funny…

i love bad jokes

In other news,

A man has been arrested for a string of musical instrument thefts.

The police have asked him to accompany them to the station.

Unfortunately, back at the station someone had stolen all the toilets.

Police said they had nothing to go on.

Also, a hole has been reported in the fence at the nudist colony. Police are looking into it.

My neighbours recently made a sex tape…

…I mean, obviously, they don’t know yet.

Mmy grandad was killed by a zulu.

The roof fell on him while he was taking a shit at Whipsnade.

Two snowmen having a chat, one says to the other can you smell carrots?

My uncle Jack can talk to vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.

I hear that Thor is organising a birthday party for his brother.
He insists on keeping it a low-key event.

My wife was really pleased that some of her flowers were blooming so late in the year.

I said it was because she’d been really good.

They were karma Camillia’s.

Well, it’s been about six years since my pal decided to retire from a successful career as an electrician.

Occasionally, he enjoys volunteering his skills to local community housing projects.

He says that the work keeps him grounded.

Never go out with a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

Two snowmen having a chat, one says to the other can you smell carrots?

and then the other one says ‘no, but I can taste coal’

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowel of muesli?

He got pulled under by a strong currant

Good gob, that sounds painful.

Which Tyler and the pedant’s revolt

The Central London sperm bank reports that it had a bad day yesterday. They only had three donors all day. Two of them came on the bus and the other one missed the tube.

I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

I’ve just spent all morning building a time machine. That’s four hours of my life I’m definitely getting back.

When I heard the sperm bank were taking donations by post I came in a jiffy

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

A friend of mine checked his allotment earlier. Looks like some dumped a load of soil there.

The plot thickens…

have you ever been caught masturbating in a wardrobe?
(no)
it’s a brilliant hiding place, isn’t it?

Reminds me of a strange guy back at school who may or may not have been joking.

Ere, you ever been caught sniffing yer mum’s knickers?

No

Oh. You’ve been careful then.

Two major launches from Florida this morning. One lunar mission, and one lunar-tic.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I organised a threesome recently. There were two no shows but we still had a good time.

My grief counsellor died. He was so good I didn’t even care…

I have many jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work…

I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…

I’ll stop now, it’s too much!

What does a deaf Gynocologist do?

They read Lips

Did you hear about the exorcism at the yoghurt factory?

False alarm, turns out theyd been dabbling in the yakult