Crap jokes

Q: How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Toucan do it.

(I feel no crap jokes thread would be complete without some light bulb jokes)

Why did the monkey get lost?

Junglis[t] massive.

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse?

Warren

What do you call a man, knee-deep in sh*t?

Wade.

(I feel no crap jokes thread would be complete without some light bulb jokes)

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but god knows how they got in there.

What do you call a man, knee-deep in sh*t?

Wade.

Neil?

How many Smiths fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, there is a light that will never go out.

If anyone’s got any tips on how to reverse cheap plastic surgery, I’m all ears.

Help! I’m covered in chameleons and no-one believes me.

How many Apple employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
Have you turned the light off and on again?
Have you uninstalled and reinstalled the lightbulb?
Hmm. We’ve got the same kind of lightbulb in our office and it works fine🤷‍♂️ You’ll have to upgrade to Lightbulb 15, that will be £900 please.

I sat semaphore exam the other day. Passed with flying colours.

I tried a semaphore course but found it hard work. Twenty minutes in and I was flagging….

The ‘T’ in T-shirt stands for Tyranosaurus.

its because they have short arms

I know it’s a long shot but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?

Why is the sand wet?

Because the sea weed

Money must be tight as I’ve just had Waffles for breakfast.

I loved that cat.

Took my goldfish to the vets as think it has epilepsy. Vet claimed there’s nothing wrong with it. I said “you’ve not even taken it out of the tank yet”

As child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat handfuls of soil 3 times a day to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

Elton John takes his pet rabbit with him to the gymn.

It’s a little fit bunny.

My mate told me he wants to go to the Sahara to dig deep holes in the desert to get water for the locals. I know he means well.

When the doctor said there was a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.

When the doctor said there was a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.

You sold the laugh at those with dyslexia, if you have it it’s not very furry

Old McDonald had tourettes, eee aye eee aye shit arse bollox….

I went on a date with a girl called Simile – it wasn’t a great date.

I dont know what i metaphor

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb!

Man walks into a pub

Ouch!

it was an iron pub

Man walks into a pub

Ouch!

it was a metal pub

A couple of non pc ones…

What’s the smallest pub in the world….the Thalidomide arms

Never buy a dwarf with learning difficulties…it’s not big and it’s not clever

What’s a Pirate’s favourite letter?

R!?

You’d think so, but it’s actually the C!

MAN: i’m leaving you

WOMAN: is this about the hokey pokey again

MAN: *clenching fist* that’s what it’s ALL about

The man who wrote the Hokey Cokey has died. …. blah blah, coffin, left leg in, etc.

What’s the difference between light and hard?

You can get to sleep with a light on.

Bus load of tourists stops by a field in New Zealand to the see the farmer getting jiggy with one his ewes.

“Are you shearing?” they ask.

“Nah, **** off go and find your own”.

An ancient greek walks into a tailors with some torn trousers

“Euripedes?” asks the tailor

“Yep, Eumenides?” replies the greek

A Roman walks into a bar, promptly sticks two fingers up at the barman and says ‘Five beers please.’

My wife asked me to stop constantly quoting Oasis lyrics. I said ‘Maybe.’

After that she begged me to stop quoting The Monkees. I thought she was joking, but then I saw her face.

She finally had enough and left, siting my unhealthy obsession with Linkin Park. Obvs I’m gutted but in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

No-one’s done the pig one yet.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig.

Did you hear about the Yorkshire dentist arrested for drug trafficking?
He was caught distributing e by gum…….

What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

Ones a marsupial, the other is a geordie stick in a lift

A man was found beaten to death with a chicken.
The police suspect fowl play….

Police have apprehended the person responsible for the recent spate of battery thefts.
They’re waiting to charge him…..

Is he currently in the cells?