Crap jokes

I sat semaphore exam the other day. Passed with flying colours.

What good things do you know about Switzerland? Not many, though the flag’s a big plus.

I’ve just got a pair of smart Wi-Fi enabled garden shears.

They’re cutting hedge technology.

We’re disappointed with you as you have not only let your mum and dad down but you’ve let yourself down as well.

The same little inflatable boy took a drawing pin into the inflatable school – that obviously didn’t go well. The inflatable teacher told the inflatable boy – ‘You’ve let me down, you’ve let yourself down and you’ve let the whole school down”

Not so much a joke as a riposte from a gay colleague:
‘John, I’ve got a mouth like the bottom of a birdcage’
‘Have you had a cockatoo in it?’

Seeing as there are so many Tim Vine classics on this thread, did you know he’s Jeremy Vine’s brother? True story:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Vine

A woman walks into a bar and ask the barman for a Double Entendre.

So he gives her one.

I lived in a flat with three girls until they found out…

A Milton Jones classic

What do call a German rent collector?
Karl Bach
What do you call a Hungarian vet?
Kutzkatz knackersoff

I’ve just got a pair of smart Wi-Fi enabled garden shears.

They’re cutting hedge technology.

*wheeze*

what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who swims the Atlantic?

A clever dick.

A woman walks into a bar and ask the barman for a Double Entendre.

So he gives her one.

Then a band roadie came in, and he gave her one too.

She was a Morse Code Operator. Just like her dad.

She di-dit because her dah-dah di-dit.

A Glesga punter walks intae a bakers an sez – “Zat a donut or a merangue?”

The baker sez – “Naw, yer right. It’s a donut”

A woman walks into a bar and ask the barman for a Double Entendre.

So he gives her one.

She later went into a pizza place and asked for a Zen Pizza. So they made her one with everything.

Seeing as there are so many Tim Vine classics on this thread, did you know he’s Jeremy Vine’s brother? True story:

Clue’s in the name.

Two fish in a tank.
One says “have you got a licence to drive this thing?”

What’s brown and sticky and runs around a field?
A fence.

The inventor of the Ferris wheel never met the inventor of the merry-go-round.
They moved in different circles.

What do you call a woman juggling pints of beer? Beatrix.
What do you call a woman juggling pints while making crockery? Beatrix Potter.

Can anyone here tie a rope using telekinesis?

Thought knot.

I just won an award at work for “Most Secretive Guy In The Office.”

I can’t tell you how much it means to me.

Cougar

Seeing as there are so many Tim Vine classics on this thread, did you know he’s Jeremy Vine’s brother? True story:

Clue’s in the name.

Tim? – no way would I guess it from that!!!

Horse walks into a bar. Been there every day for a week, always drinks straight whiskey. Bartender hesitantly says “Mr. Horse, I’m concerned. You may be an alcoholic”. Horse says “me? An alcoholic? I think NOT!”

Poof, horse disappears into thin air.

Spoiler for

The joke is a play on the philosophical consideration of “I think therefore I am.” But to tell you that part first would be to put Descartes before the horse.

What do you call a woman juggling pints while making crockery? Beatrix Potter.

I always knew that joke as ‘What do you call a woman juggling pints while playing pool’? 🙂

How do mexican’s keep warm?
They use chicken fajita’s!!

Lollipop ladies.

They make me cross.

I feel the same about russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves

Who makes the best curry soup in northern Ireland?

Mullingar Tony

erm… Mullingar is in RoI

Hes FROM Mullingar, lives in Pho-rtrush

What do you call a blind deer?
No eyed deer.

(Extrapolate, build up)

What do you call a no legged, no eared, on fire, blind deer in a layby in a southern European country?

Still deaf in Italy flaming no eyed deer by the way.

Geordie is walking through the jungle with his mate when he hears a distant drumming sound.

“Is them war drums?”, he says.
“No”, says his mate, “I think they are theirs”.

Bloke goes to the doctor.
Doctor: “you’re going to have to stop masturbating”
Bloke: “why?”
Doctor: “because I’m trying to examine you”

Two fish in a tank.
One says “have you got a licence to drive this thing?”

^ that’s so an April fools…

“Doctor (parp!), you’ve (parp!) got to help me (parp!) but every (parp!) time (parp!) I speaks I (parp!) can’t (parp!) stop (parp!) farting. Do you (parp!) know what (parp!) to do?

– doctor disappears and returns shortly with a pole with a large hook on the end

“Jesus Christ (parp!), what are you (parp!) going to do (parp!) with that (harrruuuuummppphhhhh!)

– Open a window, it **** stinks in here!

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that lies on the floor?
Matt.

Oi.
I resemble that joke

Being a Matt also, I once cheekily moaned that I’m not something you wipe your feet on when my name was given only one t.
“Oh, so your something dull and flat then?”

Can’t win.

from one of the kids this morning….

Who is investigating the sweet shop robberies?

Sherbert Holmes.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park man.

What flies in the air and wobbles?

A jellycopter.