Best & Worst Trail Names

Given than lots of trails are built by kids, it’s not surprising there are some truly terrible names out there. Let’s celebrate the worst and the best. I do mean actual trail names, not just Strava segments or your mates’ name for that trail that everyone else had a different name for.

(honourable mentions go to ProSpacker and NotForPoofs, from the Inners/Golfie thread)

I have two bad ones to nominate:

Paedophile Alley – Vic Parc, ChCh. Apparently there’s some history behind the name, not sure I want to know. At least it gets rebranded as Pedal Fine for the signage!

The Big N***** – 😯 Yes really that’s what the builders called it. Most just call it The Big ‘N’. Bogans, eh.

And two good ones (ridden as a pair)

Handsaw & Gretel followed by Rumpleforekin (Hamsterley, Co. Durham) 😀

So who’s got worse? Without getting banned of course 😆

Whinlatter north loop and whinlatter south loop. Dunno which genius thought of those names.

Spacca steps, blackie, the b*tch, sh*t ç*nt hill, pi55 jump, sh*t trail, sex pest (rip)

C*** Buster (runs alongside Severed Dick) on Mt. Seymour, Vancouver.

Ben Jones also got banned from naming trails in the Les Arcs area. I remember Morning Glory, Axe Wound, Tourettes. Sure there were more.

Got a KOM a while ago called ‘take it up the @rse’ ! not my proudest achievement 😐

Whistler do a good line in trail names, Ninja Cougar, Karate Monkey etc

The Beast.

I hate that it’s called that. Don’t get me wrong, it deserves respect but it’s no beast. That name also messes with people’s heads when they try to ride it.

I got told off for naming segments like “The B’Stard” and “Flint Terror” so we have “Cute & Fluffy Bunny” (which is anything but) and “OMG are you serious?”

The Beast

Fluffy Kittens?

Whistler do a good line in trail names,

You appear to be forgetting ‘Samurai Pizza Cat’…

“Up and over, Steve will hate this” is local as is “certain death”

There is if course “Bono” so named coz the trail has a big drop on one side & its close to The Edge

Local to me there’s a ‘stinky ring’ and ‘bumwash’

Oh, and an obscurish band reference on a Strava segment/trail – ‘we’re on a trail to nowhere, come on inside’ 🙂

Rob, yes. That’s the name you get to call it when you clear it without a dab.

Widow Maker on Dartmoor – it ain’t by the way or at least not that I have witnessed.

Some of the trails around the Surrey Hills have some very random names. Others are bang on, eg Death Star.

We have/had a Midnight Cowboy and a Midnight Reverse Cowboy (both ways round a family biketrail that people thrash round after it shuts)

I’ve not seen any really bad ones – mostly very unimaginative

I made one for roadies called rattle yer bollocks off and then they resurfaced the worst bits of it. Might have to change it, if you can do that. Bolloxon ?

I like Insufficient Funds at BPW, so named because they ran out of cash to build it. Helps that it’s a great bit of trail as well!

Mordor – around a 10 metre section of Snowdon Ranger path that is a wee bit tricky.

Not quite as horrific as the name suggests.

P.45. Not the best trail in the area, but it’s army land hence the fired reference.

Swinley must win for the least imaginative. The new trail names bare so little or no relation to the trails. Stickler is going to be difficult, labyrinth is going to be twisty, seagull had a dead seagull on it, ditto axle run, babymaker was a referance to the trail builders mate. F1? Kevlar? Utterly meaningless and not even funny/imaginative.

Onzadog
Rob, yes. That’s the name you get to call it when you clear it without a dab.

You should try “The Beast” section at Theford – I was lucky to get out alive!!

(It’s remarkably tame)

there’s a “shit yourself and die” near me.

“Liverpool Care Pathway” and “The Naughty Step” is the limit of my originality for inventing new routes on Strava.

One thing about Strava is people naming trails you’ve built and then that name sticks forever. Pale Rider in Delamere for instance.

Even worse is building a trail, naming it on Strava, then some ‘swine’ names a slightly longer track that uses yours.

“Into the Bowels of the Beast” has got to be up there! That name, on Strava, of cause is for the descent from the Cragg connector path down into Lee Quarry and down the Black Run.

Big log- there was a big log on it
Horizontal Departure – well it comes after Big Log:-)

Worst for me is “Jim Crow”, it’s a section of Penhydd – some fool tried to name it after ‘Jim Cro’ which was a card game played by miners and mentioned in a few lines of a Welsh nursery rhyme. ‘Jim Crow’ on the other hand was a set of laws of racial segregation in the US.

My favourite is “Dogger Dodging” at Castle Coch, the trail is largely gone now, replaced with a proper hardcore footpath to aid access into the woods, but it was the Ronseal of trails. You picked the wrong night to try a big of night riding and you might have to swerve a few bodies in the dark.

Bob Gnarly. Anal Intruder. Resurectum. Angry Midget. Your Mum (and now Your Sister next to it).

We have a track that we named “Double D”. Not because of the topography, but because for a while bras were hung from the branches of the overhanging trees. I never realised that flying model aeroplanes was used as code for something else 😉

3 Amigos is a great name but it’s also very deceptive as it doesn’t warn you about the vertical spike protruding out of the ground at the very end in the most “tricky” section. I have therefore renamed it Vlad.

Near me is ” bring your daughter to the pedestrian crossing ” always makes me chuckle

I like the Old Devil’s Galloping Path on the Quantocks, an ancient name for a “natural” trail.

‘You’re in My World Now, Grandma’ for a flat out descent down one of the redsock paths off the side of Pen y Ghent. Not that I would condone such behaviour…

If we’re talking Strava names there are 1000s around Cannock. People must get off on creating offensively-named sections.

For my sins I’ve hidden every one and replaced them with my own. The names on the tourist trails do my head in I only know them as section numbers

ajantom – Member

Local to me there’s a ‘stinky ring’ and ‘bumwash’

Bumwash was because the builder found a Bidet dumped there.

The Siegfried Line on Dartmoor is a good one (a footpath which runs into the heavily anti-bike village of Lustleigh)

‘Everything tastes better with cheese’ and ‘Archie McPhersons hair’ are both in rigg/sail beck in the Lakes.

The former was named after discussion whilst pedalling up there, and that was the conclusion. The latter – conditions were very wet and grassy underfoot – ‘this is like pedalling on Archie McPhersons hair’ (Scottish fitba fans only, really)..

hands down to Whistler’s the GOLDEN BONER which I truely enjoyed. 😆

Not a trail but a segment locally is Red Bull and a Kebab cos it goes past Red Bull Racing and a local Kebab Van.

More recently the Brickhill side of Woburn got the aptly named “Stumpf*cker” trail. It’s rooty and stumpy and probably named by a Spesh fanboy.

Mordor – around a 10 metre section of Snowdon Ranger path that is a wee bit tricky.

There’s another Mordor near me, so called as the entrance is overgrown and (relatively) dark compared to the surrounding area. It’s about 4-5km long though, not 10m.

Lovely trail, but better for running as it doesn’t particularly flow on a bike and there are a couple of bits you need to push on.

fluffy kitten

Onzadog – Member
Rob, yes. That’s the name you get to call it when you clear it without a dab.

I’m claiming to have originated that one after someone on here was discussing it and I commented that with increased traffic the rocks have eroded and moved enough to make it more “fluffy kitten” than “beast”.

I stand by that too, 15 years ago you the first bit between the gate and the first corner was a challenge, now it’s a bimble.