Bank Holiday Jokes.

Starter for 10:

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p. '
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me…a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4×4?'

'No, no, no… he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said…

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

Oh, a day at work, oh, and no payment either. Super.

From last year's Edinburgh:

Hedgehogs? Why can't they just learn to share the hedge?

I bought a dog from a blacksmith in the village at the weekend. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

A farmer thought he had lost some sheep, so he sent his dog out to count them.
Ten minutes later, the dog came back.
"How many sheep in the field, lad ?" said the farmer.
"A hundred" said the dog.
"But we've only got 96 sheep" said the farmer.
"I know" said the dog "I rounded them up".

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife looks up from her magazine,
he says 'this is the pig I have to sleep with when you've got a headache'
wife says, 'I think you'll find that's a sheep'
'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

Seeing as we're onto sheep shagging jokes…

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool and meat. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, having never dealt with sheep before, doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will instead lay down in the field.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

The morning after, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep, and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The following morning, he is woken up by his wife shaking him and saying, "Wake up Dear, the sheep are acting strangely!". The farmer says, "What do you mean? Are they laying down in the field?" His wife says, "No, they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."