worst film ever …….

Moonrise Kingdom

10mins in I was thinking “wtf?” but I just went with it and ended up quite enjoying it.

I’ve watched a few of the films here, some strange suggestions for bad movies.

Shoot em up is one of only a handful of films I’ve sat down to watch and subsequently switched off…..the only one I can think of at the moment.

Titanic. End of thread.

I’m playing the trump card here…
Battlefield Earth

RED2 was pretty terrible as well. One of only 2 films I’ve walked out of. The other being Chocolat.

Warhorse

Yes there are worse films, but they generally aren’t directed by A-list Hollywood directors with a budget of $100m

So many people and so much money to make a detestable piece of sentimental dross about a friggin horse with pretty eyes

So many, where to start? At least (insert a number over 70)% of all the stuff churned out of Hollywood is utterly unredeemable pulp that takes itself horribly seriously. We find ourselves having to enjoy it ‘ironically’.

True – I dont’ (and don’t wish to) subsist wholly on a cinematic diet comprised of ‘World Cinema’ (you know, that ‘special interest’ sub-section of this American Globe) – but ye gods why can’t Hollywood at least try and make characters and their dialog even slighly believable?

It’s so customarily awful- yet they (Hollwood actors) are given pompous awards for even half-decent self-conscious attempts at appearing human before the camera – a big golden hurrah for grandstanding cheese – for doing ‘gravitas’ in such a way that makes you feel somewhat stupid for even viewing it. Wait, you paid for it?

Case in point – somebody mentioned Shawshank Redemption? I enjoyed this film a lot, it is a great Boy’s Own type tale of hope and of the human spirit – yet the acting is execrable cheese of a high pong-factor and the characters have all the cardboard-cut-out complexity and depth of the Muppet Show. It could so easily have been ‘high art’, yet it was popcorn, sweet and salted. Maybe that’s what we want? Who watches Shakespeare anyway?

So it’s really difficult choosing ‘the worst film’ ever from the endless reel of ‘worst films ever’ that we are customarily enjoying – whether unthinkingly, ironically or semi-ironically. The big attraction each year is most often *not* a sumptuous feast for the eyes, ears, brain and heart – it’s just more sugary, carb-loaded fast-food, albeit wrapped in this year’s new, ‘best-ever’ wrapping.

As for ‘World Cinema’? Even that also-ran backwater of the American Globe isn’t safe from Hollywood producers. They lurk, they. watch, waiting to pounce on any ‘Foreign’ cinematic triumph. They then quickly remake it in the aforementioned style of self-conscious fast-food pseudo-gravitas.

Imagine if you can Claid Chabrol’s ‘L’Enfer’ – except that it’s now titled ‘The Pain In Her Eyes’ starring Sharon Stone.
Blurgh. Blarrrghy! Grumpyman.

Mortdecai

I have no idea what they were thinking, I’m guessing the source material was popular?

Oooh, I forgot Peter Jacksons remake of King Kong.

Jeeeezus wept, that was a real stinker. Think the DVD got turned off after about an hour.

Date Movie. I don’t know what I expected,

Really? I’ve just looked at the promo poster and would have run a mile.

Malvern Rider +1. In the same spirit I will nominate any Hollywood film that involves the hero dying and then coming back to life because someone blubs over the body. Step forward ET and The Matrix.
The worst film I ever paid money to see was Independence Day.

Independence Day – cringeworthily awful

edit: damn you neil – searched to check nobody else had put that, and then you posted while I was typing – though at least it’s not just me

If we go into that realm, I’d like to nominate JFK. It’s the only film that I have fallen asleep in. This was at the cinema too, which is no mean feat as a 6′ 5″ tall person.

I was so soundly asleep I was snoring.

A mate did the same thing in Keanu Reeves’ awesome masterpiece ‘Speed’. But he had been drinking.

Ghost Rider – would have been sh*te but the added bonus of Nick Cage adds a whole new level crappiness
Judge Dredd – the Stallone version,

Oh! How about Signs[/url]?

An alien invasion mostly consists of the aliens making crop circles to annoy Mel Gibson. Then they invade Earth, but can be defeated using water. Also some stuff with an asthma inhaler, possibly to avoid alien “does this smell of chloroform to you?” kidnap attempts.

🙂

Lost in Translation – so much critical acclaim; so much dull dull DULL dross.

The worst film I ever paid money to see was Independence Day.

Lucky. I paid to see Stargate.

Someone mentioned the Wicker Man remake. Tbh I haven’t laughed that hard at a film for many years. Real, rolling tears of mirth. Great success. So funny I find it difficult to choose the best scene. When Cage leaps off the pier into the water after the ghost girl – a desperate horizontal 180, only to return empty-handed. Then she re-appears in his arms. Then she disappears. Then he double-takes and says ‘GODDAMMIT!’. Or was it the bees – ‘ NO, NOT the BEEEEES’!!!!? Or was it the ‘maam, step AWAY from the bicycle!’? Or his being pursued through the woods wearing bear-slippers?

Absolutely anything recommended as film of the week, and given five stars, by the Guardian on a Friday. Invariably Icelandic, filmed in black and white, subtitled, and you’ll have lost the will to live about half way through it.

I now read the Guardian film reviews, and make a note to go and watch anything it gives one star to, and pans as absolutely rubbish. The final straw was sitting through this tripe….

Battleship, massive pile of tosh.

lol anyone who actually went into Battleship expecting otherwise deserves what they got

A classic…

binners
Absolutely anything recommended as film of the week, and given five stars, by the Guardian on a Friday. Invariably Icelandic, filmed in black and white, subtitled, and you’ll have lost the will to live about half way through it.

I now read the Guardian film reviews, and make a note to go and watch anything it gives one star to, and pans as absolutely rubbish. The final straw was sitting through this tripe….

binners – Member

I find the Guardian film reviews useful for this. If they give it 5 stars and go into raptures about it, then DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!. It will invariably be Swedish or Icelandic, with subtitles, possibly in black and white, feature people mumbling incoherently, long, lingering arty, yet pointless, camera shots, it will be spirit-crushingly depressing, and absolutely nothing at all will happen! Then it will end, and you’ll turn to each other and say WTF was that all about?!

It took me about 3 films, each of which seemed about a fortnight long, to realise that they’re just all like this

I’m getting the impression you don’t like black and white films you have to read 😆

Absolutely anything recommended as film of the week, and given five stars, by the Guardian on a Friday. Invariably Icelandic, filmed in black and white, subtitled, and you’ll have lost the will to live about half way through it.

Out of interest, what would you consider to be an outstanding piece of cinema?

Elephant is an American film, in colour, with no subtitles yet is absolutely bloody awful! Its about the Columbine high school massacre, which is interesting subject matter. Yet he’s made a film with all these incredibly long camera shots, mainly of people walking down corridors (Dogma rules apparently) which spends 2 hours introducing a series of characters you couldn’t give a **** about, who then all get shot, and you’re actually glad, so that you can finally go to the pub

The Postman

Good shout.

It was on TV one evening, I got about 30 minutes in and was reaching for the remote to turn it off, when I foolishly decided to see it out, possibly as some sort of macho test of endurance.

Three hours of my life that I will never get back.

Elephant is an American film…

I’ve seen Elephant, though thanks for the review. I asked what you considered to be outstanding cinema, you know, something brilliant.

Well I’m just off to see Inside Out with the kids now. I expect it’ll be more enjoyable than anything the Guardian have gone into raptures about recently, by a country mile!

I’ll do you a review when I get back. It probably won’t feature any comments about the length of the camera shots, though I’m reliably informed by the Guardian, that long camera shots are the very pinnacle of cinematic brilliance. Far, far more important than anything like… oh, I don’t know… a plot!

Kermodes SATC2 rant is good 😆

more enjoyable than anything the Guardian have gone into raptures about recently

What, like oh I don’t know, Inside Out?

The Brothers Grimm
Grim being the key word here

It had Matt Damon and Heath Ledger in it,a 5 star rating from Netflix*
So I thought,”this should be ok”.
Nope,what an absolute donkey.

* I now know that the Netflix star ratings are posted by under 16s

Gotta be Open Water for me.

… is the correct answer.

A film where two hateful people float about in the sea for an hour. The dramatic high point is when one of them needs a wee. Dreadful, dreadful film with no saving graces whatsoever, unless you count the gratuitous boobies at the beginning.

Honourable mention goes to the Blurred Witch Project. Hyped up to the moon and back, five minutes in I was rooting for the serial killer.

* I now know that the Netflix star ratings are posted by under 16s

It’s relative though. The Netflix film selection resembles the DVD bargain bin in a pound shop. Anything with an actor in that you have heard of is probably going to get 4 stars plus.

WALL-E – went to see it with a couple of my younger cousins, out of the 8 of us there half of us fell asleep some-point during the film

anyone else think Interstellar was a bit pap?

Highlander.

or Cake.

The only 2 films I’ve walked out of the cinema before the end

Interstellar? was up at the near perfect for me

How’s about Van Helsing[/url]?

A film that manages to make a total dog’s breakfast out of a mix of Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale in a corset, Dracula, Frankenstein, werewolves, Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde, and every tired trope from every vampire film ever, for ages. A review on IMDB describes it as having a plot “almost pretextual for the special effects”.

🙂

that ‘Dancer in the Dark’ thing with Bjork. Soooo boring. I don’t know if it ever got good, cos I didn’t make it past the first half hour. Even Bjork couldn’t keep me watching . Something to do with the glasses she was wearing 😆

Highlander.

GTFO, Highlander is awesome.

Battlefield Los Angeles[/url]?

In which some soldiers run around yelling, because: Aliens.

I don’t know whether it was worse than Battleship. It’s possible. 😉

Vroom – filmed in Lancashire around Nelson. Utter pap.

I remember thinking I was “lucky” to get free tickets to the premier at Unit 4 in Brierfield. I was very wrong. I suspect they struggled to give them away!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096405/?ref_=ttpl_pl_tt

GTFO, Highlander is awesome.

I always get that kind of response (from geeks 😉 ) . It was the accents, I couldn’t get past the accents. So annoying.