I’d only been back from holiday (abroad) a couple of hours and a few folk popped round to see me. I still hadn’t been shopping, so didn’t have much in the way of food or drink…I looked in the freezer and found some mini magnum ice creams. As everyone was eating them my mates sister said “did you fetch these back with you?”. We all pissed ourselves and I still don’t think she knew why we were laughing! 🙂

When I came out, I was asked what I was going to do with my bikes. Clearly they thought I would no longer use them???

I take it back, that beats the water chickens.

Rachel ,”came out of where”.

Where is where,

Sat down to watch Rambo one night recently with the OH who had never seen it.
“whats it about” she asked.
“An ex Vietnam vet” I said
” why did American vets have to go to Vietnam, is there a lot of animals there?”

I offered a girl friend at the time a drink of my doctor pepper, she replied I don’t like pepper.! 😯

“Well I think we should all go out and do another lap”

My mate at D2D this year…

Sat next to my bike on snowdon summit “how are you going to get back down?”

When I came out, I was asked what I was going to do with my bikes. Clearly they thought I would no longer use them???

Rachel

I actually had to think about that for a while, does that qualify me for membership of this thread?

Well, how DID you get down???

Well, how DID you get down???

Same way as up, only backwards.

“I think it’s amazing babies can breathe underwater”

(Tomorrow’s world was just starting on the TV )

‘you sound like you’re 12’ some stroker called idave on an internet forum this very day..

LOL@ rachel

On a trip to the alps, a female member of the group remarks “ain’t the clouds low around here”…..

Getting out of an ambulance with my left arm 5″ closer to the right one and quite a lot further forward than I normally like it and.

Nurse to paramedic “Which one is dislocated?”

I’m not joking TJ, both my mum and my brother asked the same question – was bizarre. Just goes to show how stereotypes are so ingrained. Apparently girls don’t ride bikes and get muddy…

Come to think of it, she also got upset the following year when, upon asking what I wanted for my birthday, I said a torque wrench. I got some jewellery.

Rachel

Well you are confusing them – ladies don’t get torque wrenches for christmas 🙂

“An ex Vietnam vet” I said

Talking of saying dumb things, you can’t be an ex-veteran, can you? You’re a Vietnam vet or you’re not. An ex-soldier perhaps.

Anyway, the only time I openly chuckled at someone was when we were in Hyde park standing on one side of a fence watching the squirrels, standing near an Australian couple. We exchanged a few words about the squirrels, at which point one bounded over. The chap said ‘are they dangerous?’

Bless 🙂

I said a torque wrench. I got some jewellery.

Ladies like Hoovers. Everyone knows that. 😉

ladies don’t get torque wrenches for christmas

true – no-one will buy her one!!!! 😈

My sister once asked for ‘a black and white printer cartridge’

Surprisingly they didn’t have any in stock 😆

This summer, from an old man having so much fun on a roundabout in town he had about 4 goes

‘Sorry young man, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to go round clockwise or anticlockwise’.

‘Ah right, well we go round them clockwise in this country. Where are you from?’.

‘Edinburgh’.

I.
Shit.
You.
Not.

“I think it’s amazing babies can breathe underwater”

I blame Nirvana.

ladies don’t get torque wrenches for christmas

If it’s any consolation, nor do boys. I’ve been asking for one since I was about 14.

why doesn’t the sea just sink into the sand?

My sister once asked for ‘a black and white printer cartridge’

I once took an escalated call from a customer whose printer didn’t print yellow. Replacement cartridges, hours on tech support, printer returned several times (no fault found).

Turned out, she was printing on yellow paper.

‘Edinburgh’.

This thread just keeps on giving.

A good few years ago I had an informal lodger, a mate of mine called Steve.

Dragging my carcass to the bathroom one morning, I had this hollered conversation:

Steve (shouts from his bedroom): “Argh! I’m blind! I can’t see shit!”

Me (in the bathroom): “What? What?! Erm, why?”

Steve: “Aha!”

Me: “WHAT??”

Steve: “I had my eyes shut.”

Argh.

I was talking at home about the new petrol pumps at the local filling station that talked when you picked them up “this is unleaded fuel”

I mused as to why and my sister blurted out, well it’s for the blind drivers obviously!!

I won £20 for that one from FHM’s “Out of the mouth of babes” feature

An otherwise very intelligent girl I used to go to school with once asked,
‘Do shetland ponies have to migrate home to Shetland to breed?’

She also belived that thistles stopeed at the border with England for a time and that speed limits at roadworks didn’t apply on sundays as there was no-one working.

‘you sound like you’re 12’ some stroker called idave on an internet forum this very day..

I know, pretty dumb being out by at least 3 years. How’s half term going? Looking forward to Christmas?

Standing in the ice tunnel inside a glacier near chamonix, some american guy turned to me after touching the glacier and said “Oh wow, that’s ice.”
I buckled instantly.

That reminds me…..

Walking down the Grand Canyon, we were following an American couple in their mid 20s. We heard the girl ask what the piles of grass clippings were along the trail. Her patient bloke explained that it was, basically, mule dung. To be fair it was mostly grass.

A little later she asked why the bottom of the canyon (which was a long long way away) was covered in moss, but here there were only some bushes
I could almost hear the big, long, silent sigh as he again, with the patience of a saint, basically explained that it was the bushes being so far away that they looked like moss.

I could almost hear Father Ted: No Dougal, these are small and those are very far away…….

It still cracks us up now, 6 years later! 😀

Two from a girl I used to work with (We’ll call her Princess):

Princess: Can you catch a cold over the phone?
Me: (Stunned, dumbfounded silence, then) Yes. Yes you can.
Princess: I thought so – my mum’s got a cold and I was just talking to her – now I’ve got a bit of a sore throat…

Princess: Where are the channel islands?
Me: (Same stunned silence, then) Just off the north coast of France!
Princess: Oh. Then, do Scottish people live there?

Also, I was playing Need For Speed on the PC years ago, with my GF in the room half-watching. I crashed and rolled the car and she gasped and said “Oh my god, are you ok?!”

While watching the natural history BBC caveman series (caveman life reproduced with actors, make-up and computers) on T.V while at uni a house mate turned to me and said,

“the thing I don’t get is, how come this footage is in colour?”.

Guy at work announced:
Wached a war program last night, there was a Kamikaze pilot in it, he’d flown over 40 missions…..
Could be an urban myth but I did read about a kamikaze pilot who flew in several (unsuccessful) missions. Apparently at times they never found the Americans so had to go home. Obviously nobody flew two successful missions.

Actually my grandfather was a kamikaze pilot, the common misconception is that they all went on suicicde missions, in fact the requirement, for honour, was to achieve one kill. If they had not / could not mange this, they were expected to die trying.

A few that spring to mind from mostly work related face palming conversations
” When the sun goes down , the moon comes up…..”

” Did the dinosaurs come before, or after Jesus . . . . . “

Me – Whats QED stand for in Latin ? Boss .- Quantitive ElecricalDynamic

Ex: Do you want the laptop?
Me: Yes please.
Ex: Do you want a cusion, its hot on the bottom.
Me: No its OK, it’ll be fine on my lap
Long pause
Ex: So that’s why they’re called laptops…..
Me: !

A few people have said to me “You can’t ride here”
Plainly ridiculous 🙂

Ex: Do you want a cusion, its hot on the bottom.

How did she manage to type like that?

My brothers GF genuinely thought the moon was the night time version of the sun until he pointed out to her that sometimes you can see the moon during the day too!

My sister [who has a PhD], thought I made up hovercrafts, and that no such thing exists.