We all know or have met one, someone who seems normal but makes comments that makes them look like proper idiots and make you shudder when you realise the human race is doomed after all.

A girl I used to work with came in one day after seeing a guy on the bus she had the jones for: “That guy was on the bus again today, oh he’s really hot…..he was reading a book, do you think that means he’s gay?”

🙄

Books are gay. Everyone knows this.

what happens if it rains?

The book gets wet

Ex GF was dumb as a turd.
In restaurant;
“The ciabatta sandwich, is it like a…(gesticulates wildly)….ciabatta sandwich?”

My beautiful wife, when we were driving behind a car towing a horse box on some twisty road…

– why don’t you overtake him?
Me – I can’t yet (there was an unbroken centre line)
Her – oh, is it illegal to overtake horses?

Both my mate and I both had some oik calls us “son”. Nothing wrong with that, yet he was about 25, I was 38 and my mate was 44.
He got a bit upset when we both (independantly) laughed at him for calling us son.

Smart girl. It’s a fact that men who read “novels” are more likely to be gay. They probably can’t fight properly either.

When I was at school the boys we suspected of being gay always seem to spend a lot of time in the library. And they couldn’t fight.

Does not saying something in a situation that SCREAMED out for saying something count? If so, that was me, Friday.

my mate reckons the horizon is ‘that far away’ because of the strength of your eyes – not the curvature of the earth.

i tried pointing out from space you can see 1/2 the earth but he said that was different.

this went on for 1/8th of the SDW!

An ex girlfriend got me a watch for my birthday it was 50m water resistant, my mates bird asked how the watch knew when i’d swum 50 metres!

Following a couple about the same age as me along the canal towpath. She was behind him riding to the left of the towpath..I asked if I could get by on the right, she moved right across in front of me…I slammed on my brakes and skidded a little, she said “oops sorry, I don’t know my left or right” I did all I could not to laugh

I have also known quite a few other women (friends, girlfriends) who are all fairly intelligent get confused with their lefts and rights

Guy at work announced:
Wached a war program last night, there was a Kamikaze pilot in it, he’d flown over 40 missions…..

After me pointing out the Best Before Date of 17/09/2011 on an imported UK bottle of beer to a US waitress last week – “Oh, that must mean the 17th month…” 😯

(I wasn’t bothered that it was past the date, but thought I best mention it)

A friend of mine confessed to thinking dinosaurs were just the invention of Hollywood. She had been in a history museum and wondered why they were in with the “proper” history…

“I do”

My wife, on seeing this exact helicopter

asked me why it had a clock on the end. 😯

My wonderful wife still asks me, every single time we go out riding (and after 20 years of riding in the Alps): “which one is the rear brake?”

This is usually accompanied by her taking a big fistful of the right lever and performing an impromptu stoppie, then looking a bit confused.

And we have a winner!!

*edit* TheGreatApe

You know that Richard Branson bloke, yup right, well years ago when he flew around the world in a balloon my GF at the time asked how he was getting on. So I replied he’d flown so high that he’d broken through the atmosphere and NASA were going to have to send a Shuttle up for him.. A few days later in the pub she asked me if they’d managed to get Branson down..
My mates folded up. I spat beer over my GF’s best mate….
As far as I know she still thinks he’s up there.

Guy at work announced:
Wached a war program last night, there was a Kamikaze pilot in it, he’d flown over 40 missions…..

Could be an urban myth but I did read about a kamikaze pilot who flew in several (unsuccessful) missions. Apparently at times they never found the Americans so had to go home. Obviously nobody flew two successful missions.

Ah ex from the US, on driving past the then under-construction Trafford Centre, “wow, they’ve nearly finished that big mosque.”

I nearly made the traffic news.

I like chavs-on-a-bus chat. You get entire dialogues that go exactly like this:

“It’s like f**kiiiiinnnn, ken like, f**kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn….

<long pause>

Kenwhitamsayintho? F**KIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

<pause for breath>

Like”

To which the mate will always respond, after much consideration:

“Naw”

My GF can’t tell her left from right. Also thought north was what ever way she was facing.

An ex asked what these were for

I said it was to store fresh air to pump into the factories

‘Oh, that’s good…..’

On the subject of left and right,

I’ve never had a problem with left and right, ever, even back when I was as young as I can remember.

I’ve also never really had a problem with driving on the wrong side of the road, say when visiting the US or some such, and never really understood why a lot of people do.

In France on holiday, GF navigating, she says “turn left here” and I turned right, because I genuinely believed that it was the correct direction. I think what’s happening is, driving outside the US, my brain copes by transposing left and right at a subconscious level. Weird.

My friend was teaching his ex to drive. She started the car with the accelerator to the floor. Once the pistons dropped into the engine again, he asked what order the pedals were in, right to left

“Clutch, Brake, Accelerator”
“No… “
“Does it matter what order they’re in?”

First and last lesson.

Years ago, when they were still a new thing, we drove past a wind farm and my gran commented, “you’d think they’d turn them things down, it’s windy enough…”

Fill your boots.

http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/22222222222222-22-x-0

You’re a bad man.

my flat-mate many years ago stumbled into my room sleepwalking and proclaimed very sternly..

‘we are from the letter S… S, P..
SPEE..! and she was standing on a stack of bibles..’

before doing an abrubt about turn and heading off to bed..

Spent some time in San Antonio on business a few years back. Theres a lovely area in the town with an ickle river running through it where there are some good bars and restaurants.

I was sat in one such establishment enjoying a marguerita and some nachos when some nasty trailer trash septics turned up.

The kids were pointing at some ducklings – they were cute but surprisingly skinny (I guess the weather is warm so a fat duck would be no use).

They asked Pa what the ducklings were. His reply…..

Water chickens……

In 1992 girl in Canada telling me she couldn’t wait to join her boyfriend in Albania where he had got a job as a pilot.
Got to admit that the brochure she got with her Visa made it look almost normal.

I’m a big fan of

The levels of stupidity displayed by the people in some of those accounts are so high you wonder how they manage to get dressed in the morning.

(Good site to RRS subscribe to, as they usually add a few stories every day)

PMSL at thegreatape! hahahahaha….

Water chickens….

Close the thread.

(-:

I’m a big fan of

So am I.

Standing in the ice tunnel inside a glacier near chamonix, some american guy turned to me after touching the glacier and said “Oh wow, that’s ice.”

I buckled instantly.

On a fire fighters water rescue course one of the girls asked ‘perhaps if we filled all the lakes and ponds in with stones children wouldn’t fall in and drown’

Went into an empty cafe today. I ordered my sandwich and coffee from a nice young lady in said empty cafe and was given an order number. Sat down and waited for my sandwich in the empty cafe. Young lady comes to the counter with my sandwich and shouts “NUMBER 58!”. 😐

When I came out, I was asked what I was going to do with my bikes. Clearly they thought I would no longer use them??? 😯 🙄

Rachel