Sort of pathetic jokes

Ted Chippington is the master of the pathetic joke, badly delivered.
This is him starting the process of alienating his audience:

What’s better than chucking babies off a cliff?

Catching them with a pitchfork.

From Adam and joe’s made up jokes….

What do you do it you find a trumpet in your vegetable patch?

Root-it-oot

Did you hear about the homosexual telehandler driver?

He liked a Manitou

From Adam and joe’s made up jokes….

My favourite of theirs was:

(This actually happened today)

I had to make an emergency visit to the Dentist today, 2:30.

Why are pirates called pirates? Cos they Arrrrr!

Always makes me chuckle as it reminds me of my lad when he was about 6 waiting for me to come home from work to tell me all excited. That’s my boy I thought! Now he cringes every time I tell a shit joke

How do you get Pikachu on a bus? POKÉMON!

bongohoohaa – Member
From Adam and joe’s made up jokes….

Also,

Did you hear about the antipodean prophet who absorbed the ten commandments?

They called him Oz mosis.

“Haven’t you got a vase ?”

How do you circumcise a whale? Four skin divers.

They’ve repainted the Cairngorm railway so it stands out more but it’s a bit of a funicular.

I actually prefer “bad” jokes!
My dad told me one once, that apparently is quite well know. Stuart Maconie brought it up on the radio once.
I can’t be bothered to write it all out, but the punchline is;
“I’m not really a welder”.
Never really quite got it……..

A guy goes into the doctor’s with a cucumber up his nose and carrots dangling from his ears. The doctor said, ‘You know, you haven’t been eating properly.’

Someone once phoned in to Radio 2 asking for traffic news between Stratford-upon-Avon and Munich. Apparently he was already late and didn’t want to go from Bard to würst..

IGMC..

perchypanther – Member
Man walks into Derbyshire vet.
Man “My cat’s making a lot of strange noises at night”
Vet “Is it a tom?”
Man “No it’s outside in the car. Shall I bring it in?”

Monk walks into Derbyshire vet.
Monk “My cat’s fur is falling out”
Vet “Is it a tabby?”
Man “No it’s outside in the car. Shall I bring it in?

Noddy Holder talking to his mates back home

I been down the Wye Valley and saw that Abbey

Tintern Abbey?

Tis an Abbey

Hillary Clinton is to celebrate her winning the presidential nomination by having her initials engraved on her bath taps.

I can clearly see your nuts… doesn’t really work written down.

Re the OP: that is actually my favourite joke of all time, basically because my wife has zero memory for jokes. So when I’m back from a surf I’ll sometimes mention that two old dears happened to see me getting changed in the carpark. One almost had a stroke. But she wasn’t quick enough… A winner every time.

A short memory is vital to a happy relationship. With me anyway..

A man walks into the doctor and says “I’ve got some strawberries growing out of my head.” The doctor replies, “I can give you some cream for that.”

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his trousers. The barman asks, “What’s that?” The man replies “I don’t know but it’s drivin’ me nuts”

Paddy goes for a job on a building site.

The foreman asks “Whats the difference between a girder and a joist?”

Paddy replies ” Well, Joyce wrote Ulysses, and Goethe wrote Faust”.

what do you call an Irish lesbian?

Gaelic.

From the dad joke Facebook page. I’ve been laughing a ridiculous amount at this

Today I got fired from my job in a computer store.
A guy came in and asked if I could recommend a hard drive.
I said “Yeah, Brisbane to Perth in a Datsun 120Y”.

Only for a chocolate bun

The bees have gone on strike; they’re demanding more honey and less flowers.

I’m a sucker for regional jokes that only work in the local accent

Man goes to the doctor; doctor asks him to get up on the couch.

Doctor: “Comfy?”
Patient: “Govan”

Man walks into a St Helens hardware shop

“Do you sell turps?”
“Certainly sir. Do you want audio turps or video turps?”

I had a date with a dolphin once.

We just clicked.

What do you call a lesbian from Pakistan?

Man walks into a St Helens hardware shop

“Do you sell turps?”
“Certainly sir. Do you want audio turps or video turps?”

Quality 🙂

What do you call a lesbian from Pakistan?

Liberated?

Persecuted?

Minjeeta 😳

I don’t get it

Ego and superego walk into a bar.

Barman says, “I’m going to need to see some id…”

I walked into a pub and saw a dog in the corner licking it’s genitals (Language adjusted for the laydeeez).
I said to the barman “I wish I could do that”!
“Give him a biscuit he might let you”

DrP

Chinese couple divorce. She went back to Peking, he went back to w*****g.

Bryn and Dai are walking along when they see a sheep with its head stuck in some railings.

Bryn drops his keks and gives the sheep a good seeing to. When he’s finished he says “Dai, its your turn, boyo”.

Dai says “no, I can’t”.

Bryn asks “Why?”

Dai says “Because I’ll never get my head between those railings”.

Ah, time travel joke?

Another of the regional dialect jokes.

A woman from Glasgow rings the maternity ward to say her waters have broken. Receptionist asks her where she’s ringing from. Wee Glasgow wifie replies “Fae the waist doon hen”.

Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?

She’ll just Let It Go.