Red Dwarf – best moments & quotes?

when Rimmer is showing Kryetn his slides of his holiday in the diesel decks with the scutters.

KRYTEN: Sir, can we just take a break for a while? My intelligence
circuits appear to have melted.
RIMMER: Well, we’re not going to get through them all if we have a second
break.
KRYTEN: Sir, that’s a gamble I’m willing to take.

It’s a response I often use when the wife is talking to me about her work.
Here’s the scripts for the first 8 series if you’re bored at work (like me) http://www.ladyofthecake.com/reddwarf/html/scripts.html

Anyway, what are your favourote bits and/or quotes?

Too slow chicken marengo!

Spin my nipple nuts and call me Susan.

And many many more!

There are hundreds!

Stoke me a flipper; i’ll be back for Christmas.

Jenny who?

This is Pete, he’s 9 years old. Which in sparrow years makes him… erm… 9 years old! So, that makes him… erm…

Smeg-head.

I’ve seen westerns; I know how to speak cowboy. Let me do the talking.

Dry white wine and a perrier please! And what about you two chaps?

Go to red alert!
Are you sure, sir? It does mean changing the bulb…

AUTO DESTRUCT: 55 seconds to detonation
BROWN: What’s happening? What the hell is going on?

RIMMER: (standing to attention) Ah, sir. There is no time to explain,
but, by a bizarre series of accidents the ship auto destruct system has
got switched on and we need you to deactivate it.

BROWN: Something’s wrong. Something feels different. Wait a minute, I
never used to be a man!

RIMMER: Look, you stupid woman, we’ll explain later.

BROWN: Why have I got male sexual organs!

RIMMER: If we don’t override the autodestruct system within the next 20
seconds those male sexual organs will be in orbit around the nearest
planet. Along with every one else’s organs sexual or otherwise.

CAT: Well, I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most
desirable woman that ever lived.

LISTER: That’s good. I thought I was goin’ strange.

CAT: She’s incredible!
LISTER: What d’ya think of Betty?

CAT: Betty Rubble? (Pause) Well, I would go with Betty… but I’d be
thinking of Wilma.

LISTER: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?

CAT: You’re right. We’re nuts. This is an insane conversation.

LISTER: She’ll never leave Fred, and we know it.

Fish! Today’s fish is Trout a la Creme, enjoy your meal
Fish! Today’s fish is Trout a la Creme, enjoy your meal
Fish! Today’s fish is Trout a la Creme, enjoy your meal
Fish! Today’s fish is Trout a la Creme, enjoy your meal
Fish! Today’s fish is Trout a la Creme, enjoy your meal
Fish! Today’s fish is Trout a la Creme, enjoy your meal

or

Rimmer: Step up to red alert
Kryten: Sir, are you sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

p.s. http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/news/2016/01/22/begin-again-again/ They’ve actually finished filming on the second of the two new series I believe.

So, what is it?

somebody punch him out. 😉

only joking.

Kryten: Well the Space Corp directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation a hologramatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.

Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly: No chance you metal bastard

“The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society.”

Rimmer: Let’s get tough. The time for talking is over. Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major — and I mean major — leaflet campaign, and while it’s reeling from that, we’d follow up with a {whist} drive, a car boot sale, some street theatre and possibly even some benefit concerts. OK? Now, if that’s not enough, I’m sorry, it’s time for the T-shirts: “Mutants Out” … “Chameleonic Life Forms, No Thanks” … and if that’s not enough, well, I don’t know what will be.

So what is it?

The flintstones bit, for me. Or scrumping for cars. Actually that whole episode’s fantastic.

Name?
Dave Lister
Occupation?
<pause>
Bum.
Would you describe the accused as a friend?
No, I’d describe the accused as a git

I lied twice
Didn’t think of that

Different episode
I’ve been to a parallel universe, I’ve seen time running backwards, I’ve played pool with planets, and I’ve given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I’d taste an edible Pot Noodle.

That’s an excellent suggestion sir with just two minor drawbacks . . .

of course…. lager.. the only thing that can kill a Vindaloo.

Given that god is infinite, and given that the universe is also infinite… would you like any toast?

Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast. (often said to Mrs Hound when leaving for an early ride)

And not a quote as such, but the bit where Kriten asks spare hand 2 for his opinion….

Holly;
“On our journey back to Earth, we have encountered many strange and bizarre things. Only last month, we came across a moon shaped exactly like Felicity Kendal’s bottom….. We flew around that one a couple of times.”

Agree with trailhound

Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast.

“Well, let’s forego the noise and the revolting burbling sound and go straight to the really gross part where you always, and I mean always, having blown your nose, have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean, why? What do you expect to see in there? A Turner seascape, perhaps? The face of the Madonna? An undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet?”

“Mr Flibble’s very cross”

Love Quarantine!

No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid!

Well, I can’t say as I’m totally shocked…

(Polymorph, if you can’t place it)

No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid!

“Is this normal?”

“What, taking photos and showing them to your mates? No!!”

Ooh, and “I tell you one thing: I’ve been to a parallel universe, I’ve seen time running backwards, I’ve played pool with planets, and I’ve given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I’d taste an edible Pot Noodle.”

WOMAN: “La mango estis bonega! Dlej korajin gratulonjn’ al la kuristo.”

RIMMER: (Snaps his fingers) I would like to purchase that orange
inflatable beach ball and that small bucket and spade.

WOMAN: “The meal was splendid! My heartiest congratulations to the
chef.”

DWAYNE DIBBLEY?

We’ll always have Parrots.

And the whole sprout surprise thing.

And “April, may, June and July fool” from queeg

Basically all of series 2 and all of Norman Lovett.

Holly: We are talking jape of the century. April, May, June and July Fools.

Dog milk

BONGO: I know that this probably won’t interest you, but I’d hate myself for the rest of my life if I didn’t at least suggest it.
ACE: Suggest what?
BONGO: If you’re interested, I’ll be in my quarters at lunchtime, covered in taramasalata *scribbles furiously on paperwork*
ACE: I didn’t know your bread was buttered that side, Bongo.
BONGO: It isn’t. I’ve been happily married for 35 years. It’s just, a chap like you can turn a guy’s head.
ACE: I’m sorry, Bongo. Lunch is…on Mellie.
BONGO: Would it make any difference if it was…hummus? *scribbles even more furiously on paperwork*

Not taking a pitcher of you mates privet ‘ s drawing a mustache and eye brows on it, then posting it around the ship with a sign saying have you seen this missing french man!.
:-Dlol

You make love like a Chinese meal. Small portions but so many courses

And the “lister to red dwarf” speech from the same episode – shows signs of spoiling fora rumble…