New family advice / ranting / support forum etc etc

Ok folks im sure you’ve all been there and done that before but im after a little bit of advice please.

Me and mrs andybrad are very lucky in the fact that weve recently had a baby girl! All great stuff and the baby is fab, even though I was dreading it initially. Ive got the easy bit, I go to work then swan in afterwards make tea, play with the baby for a bit and go to bed. The Mrs not so much. She seems to be struggling with being the source of food for the baby and this seems to be taking the fun out of it for her. Shes also really jealous that I get to pop out once a week (at night) for a bike ride while she doesn’t. this is causing a lot of friction at the moment and shes not happy at all that she doesn’t have a hobby.

Sooo. Before we got pregnant she gave up a lot of her hobbies, octopush walking etc and got a bit fed up about it all. Im thinking this is one of the main things I need to fix, and sharpish. I need to get her out and about (easily) with a baby and getting some form of exercise. Shes not able at the moment to move that much due to the whole pregnancy thing so do you guys have any suggestions to get us through this “baby blues” thing? I think she needs to get out of the house and spend a bit of cash on some retail therapy and fresh air. But shes not keen on anything and is just stagnating at home.

Now with myself im also seeing other folks (that we had babies around the same time, nct class etc) out every bloody weekend running or in the pub or something like that. How the hell do they do it?

Thanks for listening to my ranting. Im a bit worried.

Has she got a bit of Post Natal Depression, get her to talk to someone and get her a night off so she can have some run r/r away from the little one.

I may be way off and apologise if I am.

Friends wife started gogin out with load of other mums from some prenatal course. many were not her type of person but it was getting out of the house.

She seems to be struggling with being the source of food for the baby and this seems to be taking the fun out of it for her

Switch to bottle feeding then, no need to feel bad about it!

Local surestart mornings are great – there’s one in Wellholme I think. We went to one in Cleck. Loads of mums (and a few dads) to have a natter with and let off a bit of steam. Local toddler groups are the same, just a good opportunity to meet other parents and chat for a bit. We went (and occasionally still do) go to a group at the Spire in Lightcliffe.

Why don’t you take a day off and take baby off her hands for a bit?

no need to apologise. I think were getting well into PND. just not sure what I can do if shes not willing o give up breastfeeding. So its got to be something that can be done with baby and mum.

Shes also really jealous that I get to pop out once a week (at night) for a bike ride while she doesn’t. this is causing a lot of friction at the moment and shes not happy at all that she doesn’t have a hobby.

Why don’t you knock that on the head for a bit then, in the spirit of solidarity?

[edit]and she can express some milk for baby, and go out for the evening.

Now with myself im also seeing other folks (that we had babies around the same time, nct class etc) out every bloody weekend running or in the pub or something like that. How the hell do they do it?

I’m not a parent, but some of my friends are (it’s a bit like not being racist and some of my friends being minorities). But they definitely fall into 2 camps, those that become parents and those that have kids. The former drops everything and does nothing but kid stuff and is never seen again, the latter doesn’t change, but now has a kid too.

Your issue seems to be that your missus has become a parent and you’ve had a kid.

Our little boy is 6 weeks old and my wife was having issues with not being able to get out and do stuff too.
We did switch to the bottle as he was so hungry.
She got to 4 weeks and things improved as energy levels and healing was getting there.
As others have said try to get her to talk to the doc or health worker about post natal depression. We avoided it thankfully but not without a few meltdowns

x, and sharpish. I need to get her out and about (easily) with a baby and getting some form of exercise. Shes not able at the moment to move that much due to the whole pregnancy thing

How old is your baby? Are we talking about post-caesarean/birth issues or something else? If there are medical issues that are troubling her, then GP is a good port of call.

If she’s feeling restricted due to breastfeeding, why not see if she wants to express some milk for you to give while she has a break, either inside or outdoors, once a week.

It’s a massive life change, people will deal with it differently. The most us poor blokes can do is listen sympathetically, pick up the chores, and if she says she wants you to do X so she can do Y, do our best to make that happen.

its got to be something that can be done with baby and mum.

Even with ‘on demand’ feeding she should be able to grab an hour to do something away from the baby. My 2 would always sleep for a couple of hours if I walked them in the pram. Drop mrsandybrad somewhere to do whatever and you go and have a wander round with the pushchair until she’s finished.

I think finding a hobby that can be done with the baby is just going to lead to further feelings of being tied to it 24/7.

I need to get her out and about (easily) with a baby and getting some form of exercise.

If she likes running, this bit is easy – google ‘baby jogger performance’.

I agree with IHN, you need to think about giving your weekly ride a miss for a bit. Can you get someone to look after the baby to let the two of you do something together?

Another sidelines observer here – def two camps. Those that almost kill themselves trying to do it all themselves, their way, and perfectly. And those that throw the two week old baby at you (you did offer) and belt out the door to grab a couple of hours peace.

No baby under my care ever died from having one feed of microwaved breast milk. Although it may grow up liking Country music.

Congratulations! Some things I’ve picked up. Don’t get into point scoring ‘but you did/but I did’ territory. The world changes overnight for both of you (as a couple and as individuals). The first 10 weeks are fine. It gets hard after that. Keep riding your bike. Do things together. Cafes are the new pub. She may not want to do things without the baby. But she may feel pressured into thinking she should. She may be putting herself under a lot of pressure. There is no right/wrong way. It’s easy to overthink things. You may not be able to ‘fix’ some problems, but you can be there to facilitate and support. None of this is supposed to be advice, just lessons I’m learning as we go along (3yo and 20mo), we’re still finding our feet.

“No baby under my care ever died from having one feed of microwaved breast milk. Although it may grow up liking Country music” hahaha

Cheers folks. Some food for thought there.

I’m pushing for either bottle or expressing atm and I’ve asked for her to pop out for a bit but she’s understandably not too keen.

Interesting about the kid and parent thing.

It can be normal- hormones, emotions, crushing fatigue, anaemia, CBeebies Justin, it affects everything. I’m sure Cave Wimmin used to moan about being trapped in the same cave for months whilst Cave man went out hunter gathering. Best get a dog so when you’ve got back from work and had your tea you can go back out again.

The former drops everything and does nothing but kid stuff and is never seen again, the latter doesn’t change, but now has a kid too.

The latter probably isn’t pulling their weight then.

In regards to being the only source of food, could mrs andybrad express some milk through the day and leave you and the baby so she can head out and catch up with friends, go for a swim and get some time to herself.

With breast feeding my better half found she could eat pretty much what she wanted., that meant whilst i was at work she’d be out with baby to the local coffee shop sampling their cream cakes, fruit tea and decaf coffee

In regards to the lot of you getting out, whilst babies are delicate and need a lot of care with the right prep you can get out, go to the park, go to the pub, head to the shops and enjoy outdoors.

Get her to express some milk and then get out the house and do something else.

FWIW my wife went back to work within 6 weeks with both of ours and they lived off warmed up booby milk.

My wife was / is like this, even now the kids are getting older. We have the same old argument about me doing stuff, her not doing stuff, me saying what do you want to do, her saying she doesn’t have time, blah blah blah.

I agree about bottle / expressing milk to facilitate her going out but I suspect that this is not the only barrier, lots of new mums feel like they can’t go out and leave the baby. Kind of a guilt thing. Make it easy for her by building up her time away from the baby so going out for an evening does not feel like a big step. Perhaps also get support form one of her friends, or her Mum by getting them to invite her out to stuff.

Also, bin the cycling for a bit. The trails will still be there once this all calms down.

Why don’t you knock that on the head for a bit then, in the spirit of solidarity?

I did this, but to be honest I’m not 100% sure it’s helpful – that hour does a lot for you too and you need to be at your best.

She needs to get out, and the pair of you need to figure out how to make that happen and what she wants to do. Swimming is great if she was into exercise, running might be a bit much to start with, but the pair of you can figure out the what’s an why’s.

Mrs B started in hels Camp1 with the first and moved to Camp2 by the time number 3 popped out 😀 – once the guilt and self flagellation dies down a bit she’ll realise she is doing everyone a favour by getting a break in to be better for the 99% of the time she spends with the little one.

Don’t judge yourself by others either, you’ll always think the worse, and often there is a degree of bull**** as no one likes to admit they’re finding it tough – despite it being (IMHO) the toughest part of your life.

It is (eventually) ace though 🙂

octopush walking

I can’t be the only one thinking

“WTF” ?

Can I ?

Seems everyone has different experiences. Shocker.

Andy, my missus went through exactly the same thing on top of post ceasarian fun and trouble feeding. The only thing I can offer is that you knock your riding on the head for the time being and be there to support her. Get her out the house, take her for a meal. Go visit friends. TBH I’m not surprised she’s sitting around as mine was constantly knackered, you just have to work around that, maybe take child out for a walk beteeen feeds and let her get some sleep.

If she’s keen to breast feed (as mine was) then expressing may be the answer but again, mileage may vary. Some women can do it easily whilst in other cases you would be just as likely to get some out. However, if she can express then you’re in business as she can refrigerate and/or freeze it before you warm it up and feed it to AndyJr whilst she’s out with her friends feeling less like a complete basket case. Once she can do that then you are probably okay to start riding again (but whatever you do don’t dedicate so much time that it goes the other way).

The good news is, however it goes it doesn’t last as long as it feels. It WILL get better. She WILL feel better. The child WILL get more manageable. Ours is over 2 now and those days seem like a horrible fuzzy bad dream. Make sure she’s supported and no matter how irrational she is you just suck it up and do what you can to help. It doesn’t hurt to point out that she’s being irrational if it’s constructive (at least it didn’t with mine, I bear no responsibility for her hoofing you in the slats) and makes her feel better in the end.

Agree with whoever said to get her to express. Firstly it promotes further milk production – so she won’t be empty if baby needs a bit of boob-time. Secondly (and more importantly from your OP), it gives her a chance to get out for a coffee with friends, get an early night or a full night’s sleep. It also freezes well. (Avent do some good bottles for freezing expressed milk, which will come in handy as containers for other stuff later on…we still use ours and he’ll be three at the end of the year. With our fella, we started bottle feeding expressed milk very early on so that a bottle and me didn’t come as a shock to him at a few months old. We were lucky though that he was happy with whatever the source of milk was – I realise it’s not always easy.

Some of my most treasured moments were being able to give him a feed with his mum getting some well-needed Zzzzs. Im also of the opinion that you could maybe knock the ride on the head for a while – but that’s really down to you as a couple.

Otherwise, keep washing stuff. Keep folding stuff – there’s always something to fold. And keep the changing table stocked up with everything needed and tidy.

Finally, congratulations. It will get easier as everybody settles down. 🙂

My kids were hungry and needed lots of feeding. We introduced a bottle of formula milk into the routine while still breast feeding – we did it much earlier second time round which worked well, having learned the lesson first time round.

Takes the pressure off the mum (particularly if breast feeding isn’t going all that well or it going too well and the baby’s feeding near non-stop…) and allows for you to feed the baby while the mother is out/sleeping/whatever.

Something to consider. Like most things with babies, some things work for some and not others so it’s good to have suggestions but don’t worry too much if some don’t sound right to you or don’t work for you.

And of course, congratulations 🙂

thisisnotaspoon – Member

I’m not a parent, but some of my friends are (it’s a bit like not being racist and some of my friends being minorities). But they definitely fall into 2 camps, those that become parents and those that have kids. The former drops everything and does nothing but kid stuff and is never seen again, the latter doesn’t change, but now has a kid too.

Thats a pretty accurate summation there fella.

However, I’d temper that by saying pretty much everyone starts as the former – its human nature – but you soon settle comfortably in to the latter. Those that don’t are the ones you pray to god you don’t meet when they occasionally leave the house, as they only have one topic of conversation, and they can go on and on and on about it for what feels like weeks

So you wrap the first one on cotton wool, treat it like its made of balsa wood, but 18 months later you’ll balance your second little’un precariously on a window ledge of a pub with a flat roof, and leave the first holding the lead of a rottweiler, while you nip to the bar 😀

Its early days yet. It’ll settle

11 week old here. First 5 weeks were not fun and not what I signed up for….but, it is definitely improving – from 7 onwards my little boy started smiling which made a hell of a difference. About week 5 was where the life really has changed kicked in properly for us.

Wife gets out every single day without fail we had our first ‘outdoor walk the day after she came home from hospital (it was short and slow as she had a c section). She does more stuff now than before but yes it is baby orientated – baby sensory, NCT stuff, meeting up with other mums spending a fortune on coffee and cake. She is missing exercise but is making up for it in other ways.

I have taken the boy over to a friends, with express milk, for an evening so she had 4 or so hours to herself. She had a long bath, did her nails and hair and had a sleep – seems to be all she wanted to do!

I take it you didn’t do NCT or have any close friends with babies the same age? I think if she didn’t have the other mums she would be struggling.

Bike wise, she knows it is my way of de-stressing so I need to spend some time outdoors exercising, and doesn’t begrudge it. However I now can’t pick when I go, and I have to reduce from all day epics to a couple of hours here and there. That said I’m still doing 8-10hrs a week so count myself lucky.

Sleep wise, I take the boy from 9pm to 12-2am and then hand him over. I sleep in a separate room, get up at 7am and then take him for another hour whilst I get ready for work so she can have another 30mins or so sleep before the day starts. We are both knackered but it seems to work for us.

Oh and I see you mentioned about seeing other couples ‘down the pub’ etc… we had a recent meet up with NCT – there was lots of comments about a facebook photo we posted with our little boy and a sausage on a fork (first bbq), what they didn’t realise is before said sausage photo one of us was holding him the whole time, it took 30mins to stage the photo and get a smile out of him, then he screamed, was sick everywhere and needed his nappy changing…..it wasn’t the same sort of bbq we had pre boy….!

I don’t think you giving up your riding is necessary – 1 night a week is nothing!

We have a 16 week old girl and I still train most days.

Definitely get her to go to some of the free mother and baby classes. She’ll meet loads of other mums in the same position. My other half has something most days with other local mums which keeps her busy and gives her a very valuable support group to compare baby tactics etc… I think she would be really struggling without this.

If she’s breastfeeding and nipper won’t take a bottle then it’s going to be tough as there’s little escape for her.

I did get my other half out for a bike ride whilst we left the little one with my mum for a couple of hours and she forgot about the baby for a good hour and was just her again…

Obviously being a girl and therefore mental she then felt very guilty about forgetting about the baby and this upset her…. Can’t win!!!!!!!!!

Sounds completely normal to me, it is difficult, it does get easier.

Don’t give up your bike night, really, don’t.

It will get better, it doesn’t feel like it, but it will.

Then you’ll have another one and you’ll look back and laugh at how easy it was with just one..

In regards to being the only source of food, could mrs andybrad express some milk through the day and leave you and the baby so she can head out and catch up with friends, go for a swim and get some time to herself.

We did that – my wife joined a choir so could have one night a week that was “her night”. The trouble was, neither of my daughters took to the bottle, and it ended up with me getting incredibly stressed because I wasn’t able to feed them.

In the bigger scheme of things, the sole reliance on milk for food soon passes, and makes organising your life a bit easier.

My wife has also been good at keeping in touch with the people we met at NCT – we’ve all just got back from a weekend’s camping, with our kids now all age 4. That’s always been a useful support network, and provider of babysitting services.

Then you’ll have another one and you’ll look back and laugh at how easy it was with just one..

And then another, and all of a sudden you just stop caring 😉

4 weeks
6 weeks
8
10

It seems like an eternity when you in the middle of it… but

It will get easier

My wife was a human dummy and hardly seemed to move off the sofa but after 8 weeks things got easier.

As for getting her out … maybe you should just stay in ??

It’ll only be 2/3 rides missed… not the end of the world to show a bit of solidarity…. it may well be a waste of time because one person should easily be able to look after a little one… but again so what??

I’m sure you are … but … just give a bit more to be there for your Mrs…. it’s hard…. get your nut down and do it… before you know it you’ll be chasing your little girl around the park as she rides her bike for the first time

“Ive got the easy bit, I go to work then swan in afterwards make tea, play with the baby for a bit and go to bed”
This may be part of the issue if you don’t bathe baby put to bed and change nappies start . The sharing of the load helps. Also look up all the baby groups you can and encourage your wife to go, very often there is a counter culture of mums and babies/ toddlers in your area that are a great support . Crankygirl found it a leap to go but soon made friends and was able to get a great deal out of a variety of groups .
Baby cinema is good, adult (ie for grown ups not porn) films run with the lights up tea and biscuits supplied for free babies feeding crying crawling around or watching the film.

Oh I forgot to say it gets easier (or different) with time plus your memory does not retain the bad/hard bits that’s how people get to want to do it again.

Other peoples idyllic lives are often carefully crafted fakes or total misapprehension on your part.

lol great help guys, really appreciate it.

its nice to hear others have had the same things.

Then you’ll have another one and you’ll look back and laugh at how easy it was with just one..
And then another, and all of a sudden you just stop caring

….until the day you come home and the youngest one gleefully informs you that he’s finally lost his wobbly front tooth……..by embedding it in his older brothers scalp during a successful attempt to inflict a head wound.

Trust me, You WILL look back at those first days when they were tiny babies with a new-found appreciation of how easy it all turned out to be in the end. There is light at the end of the tunnel ……although, in the case of my 6 year old, that light is likely to be blue. and flashing.

No you’re not weeksy

Forgive me if I missed it, but I can’t see any mention of what Mrs andybrad *wants* to do. Have you asked her?
Whatever she says may be accompanied by lots of “buts”. These can all be overcome.
Congratulations, by the way.

Here’s my view, as a mum!
My sons are aged 18 and 10 years now, but I do remember when they were babies how exhausting it was to be the source of food, the sleep deprivation and not being able to really go out.
I used to go out with the buggy/pram every single day, whatever the weather, for a 2-3 hour walk. I think the fresh air and exercise helped. I didn’t have the energy to start proper running etc again until we switched to bottle feeding at 6 months.
I went to post-natal groups but I didn’t feel like I had much in common with the other mums, and to be honest that might have been due to the PND that I had. What I did appreciate was the odd hour to myself to have a relaxing bath. Having friends round was a help too. I agree that you as a dad need a night off for a bike ride, provided you hell out when you’re home 🙂