My wife has left me.

I had poured the last bottle of wine down the sink.

Give yourself some credit mate for what you’ve managed to do in the last couple of days. Sounds like you’re well on the way to me.

Pedalling will probably help – amazing how a couple of hours in the saddle can take you somewhere else.

Re working hard ,holidays and time off.The positive side of packing in the booze is on 2 bottles of plonk a day you spend about 60/70 quid a week on booze .Put it away somewhere ,thats a bloody good FAMILY (hopefully) holiday in quite a short time .Good luck

Exercise of any sort will make you feel a lot better.

I currently have my daughter with me, we’ve been to the park on the swings so I’ve had some fresh air, she is at that age where she is asking questions of everything ‘what’s that noise?’ etc at every little sound and thing she sees, it was lovely having a conversion with her without my head being clouded by a night on the booze.

My wife has gone to the local gym for an hour and has agreed to come back and listen to what I have to say, the temptation is to get carried away and say look at me I’m better come back to me, but I know this would be a bloody daft thing to do as I still have a journey in front of me and some demons to fight before anyone will believe me, I think she may also stay for lunch, which will be great anyway it’s a bit stupid using petrol driving between her parents and here all day.

Thanks for all your supportive words they have been great, please keep them coming even the tough love ones!

BTW I’m not sure if I’ve said in on here so far (turning into a bit of a long thread), But hello I’m rubbish, I’m an alcoholic.

@rubbish, very sorry to hear this. There can be a positive outcome.

You might not think your drinking is a problem but your wife certainly does (and most likely your daughter too) and that’s what counts here.

You need to understand this is a very big wake up call. Get the professional advice and help you need and make some permanent changes. Let your wife know you are doing this for the sake of you all, her, your daughter and yourself. Don’t ask her to come back until you have made some very solid progress.

Edit: I’ve just seen your post, that’s progress and so positive to hear but please don’t underestimate how hard this will be

Good luck,your last post sounded more positive,think you can fix this,just take time, patience,communication and no booze.

Well we had a calm conversation, but it was a two way rather than me telling her what I was doing and her listening, she still maintains that this is it and it’s over, I didn’t entice her to say this again but I have told her that I’m not giving up with us yet as I need this as part of my recovery she warned me not to badger her about it otherwise she will back away.

The sad thing is I’m starting to realise that I think she has gone for good, everyday is going to be a very long day.

una salus victis nullam sperare salutem

Oh I still have hope, but the legal proceedings are in place already, I don’t think I have much time.

Hold on to that hope, dont allow the negative side to take over.
You sound like you have made a lot of positive steps already, from reading this thread from the start I am impressed by how quickly you have made some difficult decisions already. If it helps to sort things out in your head, keep venting/discussing on here.

+1 for the bike ride idea, you must be mentally exhausted from dealing with this, give yourself a break by dodging rocks and picking lines 🙂

keep it up Rubbish.

Mate . ive been through this Twice ... not my doing ... ive since met a wonderfull lady and we are happy . its really tough going from seeing your kids every day to a couple of days every other weekend , as i know . you will get through it. Trust Me!

+1 for the bike ride idea, you must be mentally exhausted from dealing with this,

Yes I am to a degree, but mentally I’m struggling with the idea of a riding at the moment, I may go for a walk later when my daughter has gone, seemed to work well yesterday.

Hugely well done so far – it’s like the road race again and everyone is behind you 🙂

Just a slight warning on the ‘professional’ help. I’ve also seen problems caused by such help and seen these folks in exactly the same mess. Remember that in the end it is you that is in control and who chooses your direction (which is what you are doing now)

Also, the legal stuff isn’t necessarily the end. I have two sets of friends who went the whole divorce route and got back together again. It’s not common but not impossible either. Focus on the cause (drink/self esteem) rather than the symptoms (the split up).

Looking at the broader picture, we will have to sell the house if the worse does happen, which is fine there is a fair chunk of equity in it, not enough for me to buy a house and in my mid 40’s what am I going to do, guess I’d have to rent and invest the money.

Maybe best not to think of that at the moment.

OK MATE JUST READ ON PLEASE for your own sake! I don’t usually break my anonymity but 25 years ago when I had 4 kids at home I finally admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic and powerless over alcohol. Every time I had just one drink it led to another and another and ……….
My kids and my home were chaos and I felt suicidal. I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous (It’s in the phone book and on the internet). A lady came to see me and although I have had to take all the shit that life brings on life’s terms I have a great life today. I worked a 12 step programme and still do. I have watched my kids grow up and have 4 lovely grandchildren. It hasn’t all been plain sailing, I lost my partner 5 years ago and 7 years ago my eldest son committed suicide (HE WAS ALCOHOLIC). AA taught me that I didn’t have to drink no matter what happened to me and I can honestly say that this is a programme that works if you want it and want to work it.

I am now 62 and still riding MTB’s because I am lucky enough to have got my fitness back without permanent damage from the booze and enjoying teaching grandchildren to ride. I have been able to have a career and a lot of great people in my life.

If you want to email me privately then use the mail in my profile. You are no good to your family as a drunk and more importantly, no good to yourself. There really is light at the end of the tunnel mate. You just have to ask for help and ACCEPT IT. Look up Alcoholics Anonymous online and phone someone today. There is always help from people who have been through this and understand.

Don’t pick up the first drink today then you probably wont want the next one that will lead to the 2 bottles a day.

GOOD LUCK X

Since I posted last night you’ve improved further! It’s really positive that you still have access and time with your daughter. The communication with your wife sounds like it is improving a lot despite the emotions you must be feeling (and expressed the other day).

In terms of medical help, (which sounds vague and a bit intimidating) therapy is seeming a strong candidate. If you can control yourself enough to have stopped; which is brilliant, then talking about this is the following solution. My partner is undergoing CBT for her anxiety; she experienced abuse as a child and has self esteem issues (to swiftly put it in a nutshell). She says it’s really helping so far, together they are looking at what can be changed in the future and actively breaking down the barriers at present. She even has homework! This is on the NHS by the way.

CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) assesses the psychological problems and helps find solutions but also addresses the behavioural patterns and similarly works to resolve these. A singular cognitive or behavioural approach tends to fall down due to a lack of addressing the other. What we think and what we do are quite different at times.

Keep it up, you’re doing well 🙂

One thing she did say this morning and I’m not sure how to read into it, I did say to her that I presumed that she thought I would turn into an alcoholic mess over the weeknd, she replied well it would have given me more ammuntion, ammuntion? I’ve taked both barrells in the vital organs what more could she want?

Perhaps it would justfiy her actions further? and if she needs further justification perhaps there is still a glimmer in there that isn’t sure.

Sorry I’m rambling.

rubbish – Member
One thing she did say this morning and I’m not sure how to read into it, I did say to her that I presumed that she thought I would turn into an alcoholic mess over the weeknd, she replied well it would have given me more ammuntion, ammuntion? I’ve taked both barrells in the vital organs what more could she want?

Perhaps it would justfiy her actions further? and if she needs further justification perhaps there is still a glimmer in there that isn’t sure.

Sorry I’m rambling.

That sounds to me like it’s Ammo for the divorce court and lawyer mate.

TBH it sounds to me like you need to give the wife a couple of days without communication. Give her a bit of space and let things cool down a bit.

However if i’m honest, it’s not looking good fella i’m afraid.

And whilst I’m rambling, over the past couple of months or so there has been a change in her behavior I realised this way before Friday, I haven’t mentioned this so far as I’m not sure I am addding it up correctly.

1.She spends a lot of time texting on her phone, this isn’t necessarily a new thing but it has increased.

2. She has been late a lot recently, this is unusual

3. Whilst I’ve been out riding she has been out a couple of times that I know of and has been out for far too long (always dressed nicely) for instance last week she spent over two hours buying wellies for our daughter!

I know from experience that this is classic indications someone is up to something, what do you think?

I have asked her directly if she is having an affair and she has said no, but this morning when she came back from the Gym she said that she has to go and do some errands for her Father, but she grabbed what looked like a change of clothes, and she admitted she was getting knickers, thing is she took a load of stuff yesterday, this looks to me that she is getting changed somewhere else other than her parents.

I should add that if her parents found out she was having an affair, their support would decrease considerably.

Tough one fella… Looking back it’s always easy to put 2 and 2 together… it’s also easy to have 2+2=69 😉 however that doesn’t necessarily make it correct.

IME i’ve not actually known a couple to split without one of them being in another relationship on the side. Just my past experience, but often people leave because the grass is potentially greener on the other side.

However… keep it sensible and lets not make things up just because they fit your current mood.

Ok, this:

Half the forumers on here are not giving you good advice, I think a lot of you anger issues come from a lack of self esteem. I can see it in the way you talk about a few of your problems. At this vulnerable stage in your life you do not need to be listening to people putting you down, you do have problems but you are NOT a bad person. Your brain just needs some rewiring, you are suffering from chronic stress and anxiety due to the job – it’s setting off your fight or flight mechanism (mostly the fight bit). The drinking is compounding this issue. The issues you are having are experienced by millions of people within Europe alone.

and this:

OK MATE JUST READ ON PLEASE for your own sake! I don’t usually break my anonymity but 25 years ago when I had 4 kids at home I finally admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic and powerless over alcohol. Every time I had just one drink it led to another and another and ……….
My kids and my home were chaos and I felt suicidal. I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous (It’s in the phone book and on the internet). A lady came to see me and although I have had to take all the shit that life brings on life’s terms I have a great life today. I worked a 12 step programme and still do. I have watched my kids grow up and have 4 lovely grandchildren. It hasn’t all been plain sailing, I lost my partner 5 years ago and 7 years ago my eldest son committed suicide (HE WAS ALCOHOLIC). AA taught me that I didn’t have to drink no matter what happened to me and I can honestly say that this is a programme that works if you want it and want to work it.

I am now 62 and still riding MTB’s because I am lucky enough to have got my fitness back without permanent damage from the booze and enjoying teaching grandchildren to ride. I have been able to have a career and a lot of great people in my life.

If you want to email me privately then use the mail in my profile. You are no good to your family as a drunk and more importantly, no good to yourself. There really is light at the end of the tunnel mate. You just have to ask for help and ACCEPT IT. Look up Alcoholics Anonymous online and phone someone today. There is always help from people who have been through this and understand.

Don’t pick up the first drink today then you probably wont want the next one that will lead to the 2 bottles a day.

GOOD LUCK X

Other than these good points and the positive stuff that people have said GET THE **** OFF THE INTERNET. This has the same effect as going on WebMD with a slight headache and coming back off thinking you have ball cancer and aids of the eyeballs.

Do you have a bike? Then go ride it, just even a short pootle
Do you have any friends you can talk to? Go talk to them – The pundits on here probably don’t know you and are offering what they think is good advice that may not work for you
Go see your doctor: They’re not just there for antibiotics and stuff
Take a few days off or at least lower your workload
Try to stay off the drink, it’s clearly not doing you or anyone around you any good
GET SOME HELP!!! it’ll be the best thing you can do in the long run regardless of the outcome

If you are in any kind of fragile state of mind the internet is the worst place in the world, people hate you without knowing you and spraff all sorts of bollocks to get a reaction, not something you need right now.

Rubbish when is the last time that you had sex?

Can be stress but if its been quite a while I think its an answer to your question above.

When a friends husband had an affair the sex went from twice a week for years to less than once a fortnight.

Frequency is a big pointer. People say you want it less as you get older, I say it can be a pointer/indicator on the health of the relationship.

to less than once a fortnight.

This

The only thing that I will say is repair yourself, for the sake of your Daughters future. Be sensible with your wife and take each day step by step.

Dont come out of this with your health shot and a shattered man.

Been out in the garden playing with my Daughter, Christ we have barely been here a year and she loves the garden her paddling pool, it was our dream house, more pain, must stay in control but it’s hard.

If it helps check her phonebill for a number that appears very frequent. Then she will (if she is) open up

rubbish – Member
Been out in the garden playing with my Daughter, Christ we have barely been here a year and she loves the garden her paddling pool, it was our dream house, more pain, must stay in control but it’s hard.

Expensive house in more ways than one.

As others have alluded to…. Maybe if you’d spent less time working, more time with your missus, you wouldn’t be in this position now.

Sorry if that’s harsh mate… but it could be the ‘dream’ house actually cost you your dream.

priorities..

Goodness poor you, the walls are caving in a bit !

I have read all this and would add a couple of bits of advice, take what you will.

Ignore Hora. If you were drinking 2 bottles of wine a night I hardly think frequency of sex is a significant issue here. I know it’s a big part of male ego but women are different, and god help your wife when she comes to the menopause Hora !

I have first hand experience watching a family member stop drinking cold turkey. It does funny things to a person, one of which can be paranoid delusions. I mean in respect to your wife’s behaviour here. (in some people, sometimes etc etc) I would echo the advice about proper medical help.

If she has moved on that is for her to deal with, you can’t do anything about it. It may not last, she may need to feel loved etc. Focus on the things you can fix, which is your behaviour and responses to situations, which is the drinking. I know it is hard but try not to focus on this, you don’t have any facts and it will cloud the real issues.

Also, are you drinking to deal with the stress at work, or getting stressed at work to justify the drinking ?? I knew somebody like that. Just a thought.

Anyway just some ramblings and good luck ! You have started a long road to sorting some stuff (oops sorry that was a bit cheesey)

Also, are you drinking to deal with the stress at work, or getting stressed at work to justify the drinking ?? I knew somebody like that. Just a thought.

Yes I have drawn the conclusion that I am using stress to have an excuse to drink, that’s not to say I look for the stress but I have definitely used it to justify the drinking.

However a Psychiatrist may draw a different conclusion.

As I say, best of luck, and it will be worth it. I was your daughter (if you know what I mean) my dad was an alcoholic and I am very very very (times 1 million) glad he stopped drinking. Do it for her !

Hide your phone in her car before she heads off with Endomondo running..

😈

i’ve just read the whole thread, it makes tough reading. rubbish i feel for you, the way i see it tho is its irrelevant if your wife is having an affair- whats important is that you have realised you have a problem with booze. try to keep off the drink, it is one of the most dangerous drugs going, yet is the most commonly available. if it goes to divorce, she will insist you have hair strand tests to determine your level of drinking. i have 3 sons who i’ve not seen for nearly 2 years, due to my ex accusing me of being a drug addict and alcoholic (untrue) the first test i did came back positive for codeine, she tried to say it was indicative of heroin use, the next one came back borderline for alcohol use. the parameters are very low, if you drink 3-6 units a day the test will come back positive.
however, i can see light at the end of the tunnel, PLEASE PLEASE hang in there, there iS A GOOD PLACE AT THE END of all this, if you want it. you are welcome to mail me spchantler at hotmail dot com

If she has moved on that is for her to deal with, you can’t do anything about it. It may not last, she may need to feel loved etc. Focus on the things you can fix, which is your behaviour and responses to situations, which is the drinking. I know it is hard but try not to focus on this, you don’t have any facts and it will cloud the real issues.

Good advice but this was better

Ignore Hora

he judges everything by his own libido which I assume is largely Internet/fantasy based.- dont ruin the thread by your bragging about threesomes and your beautiful penis

Lovely day with my daughter, went for a trundle with her this afternoon in her pushchair to the supermarket, word of warning never go to Lidl when you head is imploding I’ve no idea what this rice dish is I bought.

However on a not so good note when I got back my wife was there to pick my daughter up, I lost it, I just couldn’t stop sobbing, I was like a big baby, I tried to contain myself and asked her how she could do this etc etc (not helpful I know), earlier today I had said that why didn’t she give me the ultimatum, stop drinking or I leave with our daughter, she replied ‘I assumed you would be aware that would happen’, I bought that up again and said how can you let anyone assume that? Especially an alcoholic, in fact I didn’t think she would leave as we had a daughter, foolish and complacent I know.

I did ask her to have a good think about what she has done and she agreed, I should add I asked what her (Step) Father thought of it all, one of the things he said was that a Leopard never changes its spots, this is a man that 2 years ago was about 22+ stone and drank 3 bottles of wine a night, in fact we used to get bladdered together, he’s now given up drinking and lost weight, kind of makes that remark baseless, he also said that once you leave it’s over, more bollocks.

On a good note, sparkling mineral water and Roses lime juice tonight.

Thanks for listening all of you.

EDIT: My wife offered to come and clean the house tomorrow which was nice.

Crying is healthy mate – let it out !

ignore.

Buddy book yourself in with an emergency visit at your local health clinic. Quick help is useful during acute and severe psychological trauma, I’m worried by the way you are posting.

Ignore the people telling you to be careful of professional help. Pharmacological intervention now may substantially lessen the long term damage this does to you. SSRI’s will also lessen your desire to drink.

You need some real medical advice as to what going cold turkey can do to you as well (sweating, increased anxiety etc etc.)

I’m not getting any physical effects from giving up alcohol, if the doctor insists medication is the way to go I will consider it, but I know my wife wouldn’t like the idea and at the moment I’m trying to prove I can do this pretty much solo (counseling aside), I’m an alcoholic quitting alcohol at the most stressful event of his life, to her and her family this should hopefully count for a lot.

Without blowing my own trumpet, I’m surprised how I’m getting through this, I know its only day 2, but I walked down the booze isle today and I didn’t even consider picking up a bottle, the till girls are used to me buying wine in there, I convinced she looked at me as to say ‘Where’s the wine?’.

I’m an alcoholic quitting alcohol at the most stressful event of his life, to her and her family this should hopefully count for a lot.

You’re doing fine, but I think it’d be better if you start doing things for yourself rather than for her or her family.