Home Forums Chat Forum My wife has left me.

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  • My wife has left me.
  • RichPenny
    Free Member

    I think you’ve done really well to agree without much fuss. Remember as well that at this moment in time she will be absolutely determined that it’s over. She has to be, because it could be the biggest decision of her life. Good news is that her feelings are not set in stone so don’t treat them as much. I would see this as a massive wake up call, see where you can make improvements in your life and get help towards those aims.

    rubbish
    Free Member

    The wife has picked our daughter up, I was calm and polite no snide remarks, I think I may have smiled but I’m not sure, I asked her was it just the drinking or had she gone off me, she said the drinking and a couple of broken promises I had made, but she didn’t say she had gone off me, although yesterday she was saying I don’t love you in the right way anymore, but yesterday we both said a lot of things.

    I told her that I wanted to prove to her that I can be sober but didn’t make any mention of trying to get back with her, as per the above advice I’m going to play the long game, she’s coming back in the morning so I can have my daughter for half the day, hopefully I may find it in me to have a ride in the afternoon.

    Anyway pizza ready to go in the oven and a bottle of bitter lemon chilling in the fridge, here’s to the first night of sobriety for a while.

    I’m not looking forward to going to bed though.

    Junkyard
    Free Member

    Think why you are doing it and nothing will be harder than the first night
    Good luck and MTFU [ said in a nice supportive STW way]

    donsimon
    Free Member

    Anyway pizza ready to go in the oven and a bottle of bitter lemon chilling in the fridge, here’s to the first night of sobriety for a while.

    Nice one, looks like you’re headed in the right direction already.
    Onwards and upwards.

    crikey
    Free Member

    Take it all one step at a time, you sound like you’re doing the right things, in the right way, which is impressive enough given what you’re going through.

    You’re right to take a longer term view because the situation hasn’t just sprung up, so it will take time to fix.

    Even if the worst happens, if she decides that she can’t live with you, it’s important that you maintain your sense of self, that you stay calm and focussed and above all adult.

    Your daughter will learn from this event, and if I were you, I’d want my daughter to learn that I was able to recognise that I wasn’t perfect but I would do my best to be.

    I hope things get better which ever way it turns out; I’ve been there and things worked out ok for me.

    project
    Free Member

    You drink to much,

    you think you have to work to much to pay bills for stuff you dont need,

    you have a token wife and daughter, you dont spare time and effort to share with.

    Relax, chill, slow the drinking, drink coke orrange, talk to your wife, and book a holiday mow, for all of you, and say bugger work for a while.

    weeksy
    Full Member

    I don’t have a lot to say, however after reading your thread, my wife left me in my dream last night… i too was very sad.

    Big manly hugs mate.

    ernie_lynch
    Free Member

    If the OP has been drinking a lot is a complete stop a good idea?

    The obvious suggestion would be to wait until he has seen his GP and had the importunity to discuss whether he needs medical support to prevent seizures/complications.

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19670554

    onceinalifetime
    Free Member

    Surely every addict to a drug seem to strongly and only think that it is not intrusive upon a friendship/relationship.

    If you genuinely are not drinking to excess and causing upset then it’s her that maybe has the issues and maybe you should regain strength and take your daughter away froom the troubled mother.

    I only read the 1st post and couldn’t be assed with all the chin up, go for a ride, and the rest of that garbage as worse has happened but you never know, it may turn out the other way in a few weeks time once she knows your aware of your drink problem.

    😐

    Kevevs
    Free Member

    Quit the booze for 2 weeks completely at least, you’ll gain a fresh head and a lot clearer perspective on things for starters. Do it even just to see if you can. 2 bottles of wine/night every night is 140 units a week. This could be the rock bottom/wake up call you need. Or you could of course keep getting pissed and depressed and go further down the hole, you’d be surprised how deep it goes! Pull yourself out now, only you can do it and I suspect you know what needs to be done.

    beanieripper
    Free Member

    onceinalifetime..shit advice mate, and if you cant be bothered to read the thread, dont bother commenting…

    misterfrostie
    Free Member

    Rubbish this must eb so tough mate and fairly easy for most of us to offer advice. Tougher on soem I guess as they’ve been in similar positions.
    What I’d say is get focussed on using your clearly intense love for your daughter to make yourself a better man. I’d leave your wife to one side for now mate, get off the ale, do the right things by your little girl, see her when you can, give her back when you have to, don’t use her as a tool and make the most of your time together. Be polite to all involved and be grateful you’re been given time with her. Start getting arsey and angry and you might just find your ex makes it much more difficult to see her. Whilst you’re doing good things mate she probably won’t make it hard for you.
    I reckon if you sort yourself out and prove yourself to be a good father your wife might wonder what she’s done. And if she doesn’t – move on – but keep your little girl your lifes priority and prove yourself to all involved mate.
    I’ve got a 2 year old boy and a 5 year old girl and they mean everything to me. For them not to be around me every day would hurt like hell but take stock mate and keep sensible.
    Good luck mate.

    rubbish
    Free Member

    I reckon if you sort yourself out and prove yourself to be a good father your wife might wonder what she’s done. And if she doesn’t – move on – but keep your little girl your lifes priority and prove yourself to all involved mate.

    Yep, I’m trying to be positive as I said above she is determined its over so we shall see.

    Nice to have clear head, bit strange but it seems to be helping with the positive thoughts.

    cheekyboy
    Free Member

    Rubbish
    I made myself very sick due to consistent heavy drinking, about 60 pints of lager a week, I dried out with medical help.
    That was five years ago, after about 12 months of being dry my mrs said that just before I was sick she was seriously thinking about leaving me and taking the kids.
    I have fully recovered from the illness and can honestly say I have not missed the beer. My ‘new’ life is far better than my previous, I was very lucky and I am grateful to the superb medical staff and my GP.
    You have got to stop the booze mate, and you will need medical help. Once the medical help is withdraw,n you will be on your own, it’s hard but achievable. Treat it as a challenge. You have to repair yourself before a you can repair anything else
    When you are dry I can guarantee your outlook will change, life will become good again and hopefully your family will get back together.
    Didn’t really want to reveal this on a bike forum but if helps you it’s worth it.

    Good luck, get help!

    rubbish
    Free Member

    Thanks for your honesty cheekyboy.

    Cletus
    Full Member

    If you do not plan to ditch alcohol entirely then the program described at the link below may help you cut down.

    http://www.howtodrinkless.com/index.php

    Not tried it myself but it has some good reviews.

    Good luck – if you can convince your wife you are willing to change you will be in with a chance 🙂

    billyboy
    Free Member

    Station Blues

    and now she’s gone
    and I don’t worry
    cos I’m sitting
    on top of the world

    FunkyDunc
    Free Member

    Awful thing to happen, but perhaps your wife thought she was left with no option? I’m an optimist, she could have walked out and not let you see your daughter for the last 2 days, but she has, and has talked to you as well.

    Before you can fix your marriage you need to start fixing yourself, get help with the booze, but also work out what drove you to booze and working stupid hours, even if your marriage fails you still can’t go on as you are.

    I hope you can fix your marriage, good luck.

    HermanShake
    Free Member

    Well done for the sobriety so far, calm communication and self restraint have clearly improved the situation between you two.

    Regardless of your relationship as husband and wife, you are a father and this situation will impact on your daughter far more than you realise.

    1. As said; something needs to give work wise.
    2. Seek medical help for the drink, it’s not as simple as just stopping for many people.
    3. Keep that temper controlled, respect is quickly lost and takes a long time to recover.
    4. Be nice to yourself, there appears to be problems of control and I imagine you don’t think the best of yourself which compounds the problems further. You are in control and you can make a difference. I reckon there may be more going on in your head than you realise, counselling may well help address why things have accumulated like this in your life.
    5. Listen to your wife, it may be over with the person she was frustrated with 2 days ago but it sounds like you don’t like being him either.

    It’s not going to be easy, but it sounds easier than the lifestyle you’ve somehow maintained. Keep us posted, you can get through this.

    timber
    Full Member

    I wish you well and have no experience of your situation (apart from the excess drink and an unpredictable mood), but would like to add what have been the 2 most beneficial changes that I have made to my behaviour that leave me feeling good; a)stopped drinking and got steady, b)started saying yes more to friends, new experiences, opportunities.

    Sandwich
    Full Member

    You may find as the workload from your job is eased the urge to drink recedes. There are sound reasons why the EU settled on 48 hours for a maximum working week.

    Good luck with getting it all sorted and well done for making a start. ( I found starting was the most difficult part with my life problems).

    bwaarp
    Free Member

    I don’t mean to be a smart ass or hurt the OP, I genuinely mean this.

    Half the forumers on here are not giving you good advice, I think a lot of you anger issues come from a lack of self esteem. I can see it in the way you talk about a few of your problems. At this vulnerable stage in your life you do not need to be listening to people putting you down, you do have problems but you are NOT a bad person. Your brain just needs some rewiring, you are suffering from chronic stress and anxiety due to the job – it’s setting off your fight or flight mechanism (mostly the fight bit). The drinking is compounding this issue. The issues you are having are experienced by millions of people within Europe alone.

    You need to see your GP and preferably a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist.

    Good luck, hold tight.

    Frankenstein
    Free Member

    Bwaarp ^^^^ is right – seek professional help/advice.

    Internet forums can be silly/good.

    Stay strong rubbish!

    martinxyz
    Free Member

    Not much I can say here but I’ll post whether it’s helpful or a boot in the baws to you ;O) but I know roughly what she must be feeling at times with the drinking every night/every other night.My bro used to drink a lot years ago and I dreaded it. I lost the plot one night and went off at him. Was sick of it.

    She’s had enough. Bolted. Not sure if she had or has gone off at you in the past or kept it in for too long (17 years?) but she’s left. Ugh.

    You say you had one week off in all that time with a few days here and there. You must sleep tensed up. Possibly frowning in your sleep. You need to realize that losing a bit of income on those days you have off add up to nothing each year. You need to take holidays. Something to look forward to. Time to relax the muscles and drain your mind from work evil. It’s something that will clear your head for all of this and make you a healthier person amongst a hundred other things. The nice house and nice cars are.. nice,but not needed. What kind of car would you be downgrading to with the amount lost over 3 weeks holidays? Not really an issue right now but it all comes back down to why you must start taking holidays. It’s only just dawned on me that as a couple,you have never been on holiday in 17 years..and as a family with your daughter,never been on holiday. How much would you lose out on a year by taking three weeks off? How big a deal is that when you look at the profit each year in the business? With a clearer head after three weeks off a year,you might start working a lot more efficiently too. BONUS!

    Getting off the drink is one thing,sorting it out with family is another.. but you need to start taking time off or you’ll end up with serious probs.Are you managing to do anything at work right now or would you agree that its pretty much a waste of time? Keep away from it for a few days and get the important stuff sorted out. I know you might say ‘but my work IS important’ but nowhere near as important as stopping a heart attack in its tracks.

    Good luck.

    yunki
    Free Member

    I’m not sure if there’s anything helpful that I can add..
    I had a massive drink problem for years, which I have managed to overcome, but I drank for the sheer hell of it and had few responsibilities financially or emotionally..

    It’s a tough challenge though, and what Martinxyz has written above is fundamental I think.. because if you are going to undertake the challenge, you will have to work very hard to find a good and healthy balance between self discipline and being gentle and kind and compassionate to yourself..

    rubbish
    Free Member

    Managed to get off to sleep at about 3am although I think I was drowsing before hand darkness was difficult when I shut my eyes all I could think about / see were my wife and daughter, woke up at 6.30am, a moment of crushing reality hit and I felt a very strong feeling of panic, realising that after this morning I won’t see my daughter for over a week, I will see my wife a couple of times through work related issues.

    However one good thing I have is clarity, no hangover although desperate inside I’m thinking quite clearly, I’ve even had work calls this morning whilst I moaned at the phone ringing but I felt on top of the problem I had to deal with solved it, did the washing up and made a cup of tea, even dusted some furniture as I don’t want my wife to think I’m going to let the house go to ruin.

    Psychological help is the way forward here, as above I think I have a self esteem problem maybe even self destructive, I need to find out why.

    I want to sit down with my wife and tell her all this when she arrives this morning but I don’t want to feel I’m trying to badger her, she already knows I was sober last night as did my mum who burst into tears when I told her I had poured the last bottle of wine down the sink.

    Re the time off work, sadly that just can’t happen for now.

    Here’s to another day, sorry for off loading on here but it really is helping.

    CHB
    Full Member

    good luck this morning.

    TheFopster
    Free Member

    Sounds like you may have already passed rock bottom. Good luck for the journey ahead – hope it leads to good places. Go for a ride today – its a lovely day no matter what else you have going on.

    stumpy01
    Full Member

    Yeah. I have no advice to offer, but good luck. I wish u all the best with this.

    rubbish
    Free Member

    Go for a ride today – its a lovely day no matter what else you have going on.

    Part of me wants to, part of me doesn’t also I have hardly eaten since Friday so I don’t think I will have the energy, I’m also likely to be massively dehydrated.

    professor_fate
    Free Member

    I have hardly eaten since Friday so I don’t think I will have the energy, I’m also likely to be massively dehydrated

    sounds like it’s a job for a Full English and a big bottle of Lucozade/Powerade in the trailpack! Go on, get out there and get the endorphines flowing…

    rubbish
    Free Member

    Heh, a full English would be hard to eat at the best of times! I’ve had a couple of digestives and 3 cups of tea so far today, about all I can manage at the moment.

    rubbish
    Free Member

    Does anyone know what the procedure will be with the Doctor? I don’t think I need medical assistance to kick the drink I’m not having any physical problems, but will he refer me to an Psychiatrist? What else will happen? What question can I expect?

    mojo5pro
    Free Member

    A Prof-fate says, get out on the bike and get the endorphins flowing.
    Just get out of the house and outside (natures a good soother). Go for an easy pootle, take some food and just see where it takes you.

    ashleydwsmith
    Free Member

    Mate, tbh I cannot and would not even like to imagine what you are going through, and therefore feel it would be wrong of me to give you any advice whatsoever.

    However I have been reading this with interest, and I do feel for you. But despite the fact I’ve never met you before I must say reading your post about not drinking last night etc made me feel quite proud of you. You’ve made the first step, just keep at it.

    loum
    Free Member

    Good luck today.
    As others have said, a ride could clear your head a bit. But if you’re struggling with motivation, at least get out the house and go for a walk. A bit of fresh air and sun will really do you good.
    Again, good luck.

    jamj1974
    Full Member

    Bwaarp speaks a lot of help – professional help will really make a difference. However it seems you have started to take some big steps in the last 24 hours – admitting you have problems is a massive one! Carry on, stay as calm as you can and get through the days one by one. With effort things will start to change for the better.

    Oh and go for a ride if you can – the outdoors can improve your perspective…

    Take care,

    J

    khani
    Free Member

    Chin up Rubbish..onwards and upwards n’everything n’all that, not for the same reasons, but I gave up drinking a while ago, and after a bit you’ll sleep better, feel better, think better..
    Good luck… 🙂

    imnotamused
    Free Member

    Wow. Good luck to you I hope all this turns out well for you. Only immediate advice I can give you is get some healthy food down you – fruit and veg, some pasta, salmon etc. Small portions if you can’t face eating. Give your body and brain the vitamins and energy they need right now. I had a stressful time at work a year ago and eating healthily was the most difficult thing but I also found that when I didn’t I found it harder to sort out the solution, harder to relax, harder to sleep (i got another job by the way). I’m a big fan of fruit and veg to stay healthy – I sometimes take flak for eating a broccoli for breakfast when I feel run down!

    Best of luck to you mate.

    Kevevs
    Free Member

    All the best with this mate, really feel for you. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

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