My wife has left me.

Rubbish .
Sorry to read about your problems.
You really have to decide if you want your wife back, and how you are going to achieve this.

It will not be as simple as just stopping drinking.

You will have to change your work ethics, which I fully admire unfortunatly your wife possibly doesnt share the same view.

Can you not employ someone? Or sell part of your business ? Choose not to renew a few contracts, or re-write contracts to offer phone support 7am – 7pm only ?

You might need to limit your biking to a single 2hr midweek ride, and use the other time to do household stuff. Hoovering, cleaning ,ironing etc

Many women feel they never get any time off from looking after their husbands.

You know what to do re the booze.

Start cooking , shopping , tidying alot , and work smarter , not harder .

Try and make some friends . There must be a monthly mtb group ride you can go on, ok will take time but you will meet people.

Book a holiday , even if it is a Center Parks 4 day break .

Switch your phone off .

Do not spend 8pm – 1am pissing around on here/ Ebay. You probably have been emotionally detatched from your misses , they like talking and eye contact apparently.

nb . single and no kids so insert usual stw disclaimer here .

@rubbish: best of luck sir, singletrackmind sort of sums it up for me. Hope you work things out.

What STM says.

Even people saving kid’s lives in hospital take time off work. Will the world end if you go on holiday? Me thinks not. I know work is important but it ain’t that important.

Good luck.

Rubbish,

You need to understand that your love for alcohol (2 bottles a night is totally excessive) has inmaired your ability to focus on the real world. There is more to life than getting hammered. It doesn’t help with stress either, only worsens it.

Your family is the priority so:

Stop drinking. Completely. For now at least. There’s help to do so if you so need.

Only then can you reconsider your priorities; you’ll be so much of a better family man sober.

You have to do this for yourself; once you’ve been fair and honest to yourself then you can focus on your family. They will be amazed at the positive change in you, particularly in your ability to deal with your work stressors.

But above all keep positive. Do go for a ride. I’m everyday reminding myself I’ve only got one shot at all this!!

Good luck.

Woke up at 7am and was still as angry as hell, drove over to her parents to see my daughter, I got angry and aggressive.

Didn’t do myself any favours, but what the hell am I supposed to do in this situation, how the hell can anyone expect me to be calm, 24 hours ago I had a family, now nothing.

Didn’t do myself any favours, but what the hell am I supposed to do in this situation, how the hell can anyone expect me to be calm, 24 hours ago I had a family, now nothing.

Now that you’ve got that out of your system, go and talk to someone who will be able to put a bit of perspective on things and help you plan out the future. You do need someone at your side to help you through this, not wine, not internet randoms, but a real person who knows what they’re talking about.
Be strong.

No one expects you to be calm or fine just yet – I guess most people in your situation would act similar. The important thing is to form a plan of how you are going to improve things. Like Don says, we dont know you well enough – you need to speak to someone directly, samaritans? Priest? neighbour?. you may feel that there is no-one to talk to but you have 3 pages of STWers that want to help so people do care.

Work on The Plan. good luck.

All the good stuff has been said above, in my experience he best stuff is the tough love stuff – it ain’t easy but, one way or another, you’ll get through it. (MrsMM, beta version, turned around just 6 weeks after we were married and said we had make a mistake…hurt like hell at the time, took me a good while to get me head outta my butt but, in hindsight, she was right and I have to thank her for having the strength to say it…)

Best suggestion for now is get out and ride. A long one. (I wish I had done when the above kicked off, i did not, i just festered for months, not good, not at all….hence i’m now repeating the ‘go ride’ advice from above)
Local, if you think you’ll be ok bumping into folk you know (might be for the best – having someone to chat to?)
If you want your own space, throw the bike in the car / van and sod off somewhere, be that a trail centre (ok, you’l to be alone but, you’re away) or somewhere you always wanted to ride but not made the time to?

You need space and time to clear start clearing your head (note ‘start’ – this will not be a quick process) franky so does your wife.

Re: work – i hated my previous job, it was bring us (MrsMM Mk2 and I) down. One day she told me to get my act together and make a change. With her help (marriage is a team sport) i did. Like you I now have my own business, it’s far from easy, and, financially, we are a good 5 figures £’s worse off per year but, far, far more wealthy in other ways – that’s a long winded way of suggesting you need to make a change and that you need to consider it’s much more than £ notes that make life happy. 😉

Oh, don’t think Relate has been mentioned?
That could be a thought for you in the coming weeks as, hopefully, things start to mend between you and your wife (and you and yourself – seems you could use a full service and MOT as well).
Chris

Well she turned up with my daughter to collect some clothes etc, I told her that my daughter will stay with me today and overnight, oh boy she didn’t like that even saying that she will turn up with the Police.

Anyway I stood my ground, she said she would check on me this evening to make sure I hadnt been drinking, something that never bothered her before when I looked after my daughter when the she was st the gym, out with freinds etc.

I mentioned Relate, she wasn’t interested.

she can call the Police but they cannot do anything other than check on safety so make sure you are not pissed tonight just in case.

You both have parental responsibility and there is no court order in place to dictate who has your daughter on which day etc.

Sorry mate but you’re coming across as a bit of a prat. You may be hurt and angry but if you want reconciliation you should just bite the bullet for a while.

Can’t you see that she’s not going to be interested in the likes of Relate with your current behaviour?

+1 druidh.

Now isn’t the time to get into a fight, and using your daughter as a battleground?

Have a word with yourself.

Rubbish you have to stop with the confrontations, it doesn’t do any of you any good at all. No booze in the house would be a good idea. If you need to speak vent or rant at someone then the Samaritans will always listen.

Your wife leaves you and takes your child and you expect a non emotional reactions…..really you expect to much Druidh
He has only got cross at the situation, insisted he sees his child and suggested that they go to relate…your are right what a **** monster he is

really druidh i have a great deal of respect for you but I think you may better help him by leaving the thread than kicking him when he is down.

using your daughter as a battleground?

You are right just let her take the child and dictate when or if you can and cannot see her 🙄 Who is using the child as a pawn in the argument here the woman who left taking the child, is refusing /reluctant to let the dad see her or the father who just wants to see the child?

You are lucky bastards that you have never had to “battle” with an ex to see your kids and you are not helping.
He has two things to cope with the loss of a wife and the loss of the child. How will the wife react if he just refuses to let her see the child from now on..oh yeah she threatens the police …is that reasonable ?

OP you do need to clam down as getting cross, whilst understandable, wont help but you have every right to see your daughter and she has no right to stop you whatever some folk on here think

Not using my daughter for anything, I want to be with her that is all, please bear in mind I’m on a very very steep learning curve here and my emotions are running very high.

And there is no alcohol in the house now.

I really must eat.

The best possible outcome here is whatever is best for your daughter. Not suggesting I know what that is, but please do think about her interests over yours at each decision point.

Try to be as adult as you can, I know it’s difficult and I know a lot about this situation…

If your wife has left because she regards your behaviour (ie not you, but the way you are acting…) to be a problem, then getting into a confrontation is unlikely to help.

Your mind will be all over the place, and you can’t be expected to think rationally, but arguing and using your daughter is not a good idea.

I’m out now, but I would advise you to do two things;

1. Ask your daughter what she wants to do today, and if she says see her mum, arrange it now.

2. Phone your wife and apologise for your behaviour this morning, don’t attempt to justify it, don’t get into any more arguments today.

Good luck.

Woke up at 7am and was still as angry as hell, drove over to her parents to see my daughter, I got angry and aggressive.

All I’m getting from you is you are a VERY angry and aggressive person! No wonder your wife has left…

Put the boot on the other foot for a moment. Whatever is making you angry and aggressive (the booze, the stress of work etc.) and would you put up with the same if roles were reversed?

Didn’t do myself any favours, but what the hell am I supposed to do in this situation, how the hell can anyone expect me to be calm, 24 hours ago I had a family, now nothing.

LISTEN to what people are saying. You NEED to back off for a bit, be non confrontational, clean yourself up and become someone that someone else would want a relationship with again.

DO NOT GET ANGRY… Your Missus is only acting in self defence, she’s not doing anything to hurt you intentionally at all, she’s protecting herself and her child from what she perceives to be the menace right now! You need to see that what you have done, and are doing, is not normal behaviour!

I’d also suggest if she checks her emails regularly, email her a link to this thread. She might never have had any acknowledgment from you that you think you’ve got a problem, so for her to read that you realise you have and have seen the need to do something about it (though FFS, you’re not going about it the right way yet!) could really show her you do care.

That said, don’t know your Missus of course, how long has she had to put up with you like this? Might of course be that this was the straw that broke the Camel’s back, and you are just too late…

I dont think Druidhs come across as a prat at all.

The OP,S marriage is clearly going down the pan,

By his own admittance he drinks to much, admits he can be moody, works all the time,and hasnt had a family holiday for over 17yrs.

Put your self in his wife’s position.

when she does see her husband he,s drunk or moody/tetchy

When he’s not at home he’s working. or on call 24/7 so doesn’t relax.

Not the best foundations for a relationship is it.

She,s called round today and you’ve had a big kick off and insisted your daughter stays with you overnight.

Imo you should get of the internet, go and take your daughter out for something to eat before you faint, and make sure she has a lovely 24hrs with her dad.

Hand her back tomorrow with a smile on her face, go out on your bike, and forget about your wife.

On monday you’ve got to go to the doctors and start the first step in sorting your life out.

Get rid of the booze.

Eat some food.

And for gods sake book a HOLIDAY

Regardless of how you feel, now is not the time for anger.

MB

.

She,s called round today and you’ve had a big kick off and insisted your daughter stays with you overnight.

the alternative views is his wife left him taking the child, refused to let him see her and has threatened to call the police if he behaves as she has re “keeping” the child and access.
What was she thinking bringing the child round to the house at this time anyway?

Junkyard – thanks for the heads up. I’ll take your advice and butt out – for both the OPs and my own sake 🙂

Having been there the worst thing is not seeing your children [ resolved now] that tends to get an emotional reaction
I will follow my own advice and also leave

OP if you want to mail me its in profile

That’s a horrible situation to be in. I totally understand that you must be living in a whirlwind of emotion right now. I don’t think right now is a good time to make demands on your wife.
Remember that she must have built her desire to leave over a long time, day by day adding bricks of negative thought to build the wall that now exists. You won’t knock that wall over through force of will, and you will never pursuade your wife to do the same. You must dismantle it brick by brick and hope that she sees your efforts and comes to help you. That will take a long time. Even if she can’t help, you will be left with a smaller wall, to the benefit of all 3 of you. I wish you luck.

Spot on MB

…whereas, your post is helpful GW?

Would have been if he’d listened.

Well she’s asked to take our daughter back to her parents tonight, given the advice above I’ve agreed without much fuss, I guess it’s a start.

She still is very determined it’s over, the brick wall approach in richpenneys post makes a lot of sense.

Good call mate,i bet you are pretty down/angry but being reasonable with help with communication further on down the line.

The anger is subsiding, being with my daughter all afternoon has helped.

I would echo what everyone else has said. I have 2 young girls and I do feel for you, made me sad to read it. I would add though that you have to accept that you are not going to fix this straight away which is your knee jerk reaction. You want things back like they were (or how you thought they were)…No amount of begging or shouting will fix this You have to accept that whatever happens is going to take a bit of time. Im sure it’s hard but you need to be on your very best behaviour for so many reasons, show your daughter, wife and everyone else the best man you can be, and stick with it. tall order im sure, good luck.

Good on yer.

Take your daughter back and give the wife some flowers and an apology, then leave and start getting yourself together.

Two things can happen; you can get back together or stay seperated, but either way you have to get your act together, and I hope it goes ok.

Its all very strange, I’m going from positive to negative and back again, pacing round and around the room.

I would try to sit down and write your wife a short letter, and I would say that you are very upset and hurt and that however things work out, you will try your best to be adult and sensible about things.

I would also address the issue of finance; I don’t know your situation, but does she have access to money both for her and for your daughter?

If not, you need to set up some form of paying her, and do set it up, don’t say ‘I’ll give you some’, make sure she has access to it.

Things will be raw and painful for a while, this gives you lots of time to think.

Time to think can be bad as well as good…

Don’t get to the point where you think the best thing to do is attempt to harm yourself; it doesn’t solve anything.

Don’t get pissed.
Don’t sit and stew.
Do try to be productive or failing that go out for a long walk and let the anger and stress subside a bit.

Again; it all takes time to settle, so get your head around using the time to be a better person.

From bitter experience if she is already controlling your access to your daughter, refusing mediation being generous with money wont make any difference.

She will expect you to pay for sure [ she will be aware of your responsibilities towards her and the child but not necessarily hers towards you and the child]. Being over generous at the start helped me not one bit tbh in terms of seeing my kids which was all that mattered to me.

There are on line CSA calculators to work out what you should pay..they are based on overnight contact though.

Oi – junkyard!!!

Junkyard – Member
I will follow my own advice and also leave

😆

Junkyard, I feel like we are representing different sides of the same coin; the best advice probably lies somewhere inbetween us.

I see that at the moment, all is not lost. Maybe that’s too optimistic.

And there is no alcohol in the house now.

Well done, and as much as some of the advice on here may appear to be from ‘Internet randoms’, much of it appears worth reading and is worth listening to

I also can’t imagine what I would do in this situation but I can also see from the point of view of your wife, she has taken a decision to split her family that must have been incredibly difficult and painful and may have taken years to come to. She is unlikely to just reverse that decision in an instant so it may be worth not asking her to quite yet.

I think I’m a bit more crikey than junkyard but I’ve never been through it so don’t know

Its all very strange, I’m going from positive to negative and back again, pacing round and around the room.

Ok, that will be the Denial bit, that’s only the first stage

Possibly I have no idea re getting back together but that is down to the OP/her.

However what gives a woman the right to walk out and then stop him having overnight stops with his child?
in what way is this reasonable ?

How would she react if he took the child to his mums and told her she could not have her overnight in the family home…oh yes she would call the police.

Its hard to be reasonable when someone is being unreasonable OP but good luck

Just a hug from me. That sounds horrible.

Please stop drinking. There are some people who just turn into something else on alcohol. My ex used to drink, get grumpy then nasty and then would behave as though nothing had happened in the morning. Even if you know (or hope) they don’t mean it it gets you down eventually. And telling me that it was because we were close that he’d lash out was not (as I realised after years of feeling crushed) a compliment. It just made me miserable.

Everyone is different but if you’re ‘moody’ when you drink, it’s best avoided because you lose perspective on yourself and maybe don’t realise how you come across.

Lots of people have said what to do on here. You’ve got to find a load of strength to do it. All the best.

Very sad situation for all concerned.

If the OP has been drinking a lot is a complete stop a good idea?