The service went well, as well as any funeral can. Thankyou to everyone again for all you have done, and thankyou for the STW card I received. Genuinely touched. I briefly met Saxonrider for the first time and saw Ambrose again. Apparently molgrips was coming but i didn’t see or meet him.

It is eerily quiet here tonight. Kids all doing their own things, happy as can be expected.

For the past couple of weeks, i have had people calling, phone calls, messages etc, but now nothing. I had something to focus on, things i had to do and a lot of stuff needed sorting. Now i have nothing to focus on, i am completely lost.

It is a sickening feeling. Now the day has arrived and the service and reception are over i suddenly feel very hollow. Completely empty.

Aside from the fact i still desperately want Lyanda back with me, and would do anything to make that happen, knowing i can’t, i am at a standstill. Numb even. I would rather have a lifetime of no sleep, running around and being called to help do things than another day of this.

At this moment in time i honestly don’t know how i will continue. How i am going to survive. How i will be a Dad and Mum to our children. I understand that i have to do these things, and it will slowly get easier day by day, but, the heart wrenching emptiness i feel inside is nothing i have felt before.

I know its tough .

I know its  a horrible void that you think will never go away

I know it will  get better.

Be strong for your kids, maybe go and spend time with each of them indiviually. They need you now more than ever.

Nothing I can say, bar K.B.O.

Jeeze Man, you’ve got it tough.

I have sadly no good news other than take each step day by day and hug your kids, lots.

Its thier immediate life that will focus you, they need and love you so enjoy the time spent with them.

All the very best, truely.

i don’t have kids and often regret it,…cherish them, your wife lives on through them,..the sun is always shining behind the darkest cloud.

p.s. make sure there is always a toilet roll in the loo,..i’ve just had to do the dreaded spread eagle walk!

All the best.

Keith

Now could be the time to show your wife just how strong you really are.

You might not feel it, but make her proud.

Everyone on here including myself can’t help but be moved by everything you’ve gone through, and nothing would make me happier than knowing that you’re coping however hard that may be.

I too have have no majic wand, but how you have dealt with what you have been through is amazing.

As so many have said time will help ,but also don’t be afraid of asking your children for help ,both practical and emotional, I’d be pretty sure through their grief they will also be thinking of you but possibly don’t know what to do, you giving them direction and including them may well help all of you.

Love and very best wishes to you all.

So very sorry for your loss.

There is some great advice in various posts above, especially the comment about leaning on your kids a little for support – mine were amazing when my brother died a few years back, just sitting together on the sofa with a bowl of popcorn watching a daft film made me feel better.

Try to talk to people, speaking about it is difficult but it helps.

Soon after my brother died, a friend who’d recently lost her Mum explained loss to me in a way which has stuck in my mind.

Losing someone close leaves a hole in your life. to start with you get out of bed, immediately fall down the hole and spend all day trying to get out. it is exhausting, and you can’t see any end.

But then one day you get up, and try to jump over the hole, you slip, but manage to scramble out. This gets better every day, and eventually you can get up, acknowledge the hole, step over it and get through your day. You’ll have bad days when you fall straight down, but they gradually get less and less.

The hole is always there, but you learn to live with it.

take care and keep posting on here..

Matt x

This is the poem i wrote one emotional morning for Lyanda.

Poem for Lyanda

It has now been a month, and what a tough month it has been. It will, unfortunately, only continue. While there have been distractions, there have been no high points, only low and even lower points. Trying to support the kids, staying strong and positive for them while battling my personal emotions is extremely difficult.

As with most things that don’t get discussed, what appears ok on the outside is most definitely not what is happening on the inside. I understand it is difficult to talk about what has unfortunately happened. Sometimes i want or need to talk about it, other times i just want to talk. About anything. Anything to distract myself.

I am living in a very dark and lonely place. I have lost my best friend, my angel, my wife. While times were tough before, i would trade the way i feel right now for a lifetime of that in a heartbeat. Feeling heartbroken is an understatement.

But, i have to be there for the kids, as and when they need me. I fear i will fail them as i struggle to hold myself together each day. Fighting the tears each day so they don’t see me cry. Until it is eerily quiet when they are sleeping, when it all comes out. Every night is painful, and every morning the cycle begins again.

Without the support i have received i don’t think i would be able to carry on. Without the generosity i don’t how how i could survive. I thank you all again for all you have done. More than anyone will ever realise or understand.

I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel, but remember everyone is here for you, whenever you need anything.

I can’t say much apart from this.

It gets better. Slowly.

It becomes bearable. Then, one amazing day, I promise you, you will smile.

And promise me that when you can, you’ll look into the possibility of some grief counseling? It was a genuine help for lots of people I know.

And just keep talking, about anything you like, lots of people are listening.

Love to all,

Pete.

Just in case it’s not been mentioned, bereavement counselling from Cruse?

A friend got a lot out of it and it was pay by donation if you can.

Your kids will keep you strong. They did my mother who had to look after three of us. And they are for my brother in law who is looking after their four. Spent the week with them doing kiddycare last week. Two years in We talk about my sister all the time.  Of course there is a huge hole. And the house just reeks of her in every corner. But it will get better and there will be good times.

I promised my nephews and nieces I would be there for all significant events where their mother could not be. It was the leaving primary school service for number three.

A neighbour has lost her husband recently and has mentioned about bereavement support payment if you didn’t know about it Alan?

Sat here in the early hours of this morning reading through the threads again. All your support and everything you have said still makes me cry when I read them. I know i have made a few threads since this one, but this one is the most appropriate one for this update.

Thankyou all again for your kind words, support and generosity throughout our recent difficulties, and all our previous ones too. I can honestly say, you are all amazing.

Times are still extremely difficult and very emotional. I don’t expect things to change anytime soon, but there are distractions some days which help, a lot. My website and blog are up and running, updates to the blog are sporadic but trying again now to keep on top of it.

Lyanda is now home again. I managed to buy an urn that represents her as a person and all she likes. This is on ‘our shelf’ as Lyanda called it after placing everything on it. I also have a matching tealight candle holder. A candle will be lit on every special occasion on this.

http://imgur.com/u5I8b9x

The funeral is paid for, thankyou to you all for enabling this to happen without too much worry and stress. I had to use a portion of the money in the first month to see us through while everything got sorted. I now need to sort out the keepsakes and a few other items for the kids to help remember her by.

This time of year was Lyanda’s favourite time. Halloween, fireworks, and then the run to Xmas. I am completely dreading it this year and can’t wait for it to be over. I will be trying my best to make it the best I can for the kids, but personally would rather skip the next couple of months. I am genuinely not looking forward to it at all. But, this is something I have to deal with and get through.

Lyanda’s memory will always be kept alive. And we talk about her or mention her daily. Thankyou all again from the bottom of my heart. I will never forget all you have done for us.

Stay strong buddy. Grief is a funny thing. For some it hits right away but for myself it takes a couple of months to materialise. As has probably been mentioned if it all gets too much there are plenty of services available i.e. The samaritans. Continue to post on here as well. We are all here for you

I’ll be thinking of you especially over the next few weeks – as I understand it will be very hard as you say.

Thankyou, means a lot.

Yes, extremely hard. After Halloween and fireworks there is a gap, but it is the run to Xmas. At Xmas time, my birthday is the 23rd (which I don’t care about), our daughter is on Xmas day and Xmas itself. Then new years and our wedding anniversary is on the 12th Jan. So a few weeks of turmoil for me as these things happen, one after the other.

Our anniversary is going to be the most difficult for me personally, until Lyanda’s birthday on the 20th April. Genuinely not looking forward to any of it. Sad I know, I should be looking forward to it all. I will be doing the best i can for the kids sake, but that will be it.

I know it’s easy to offer platitudes to strangers from the comfort of 200 miles away, but this made me think:

This time of year was Lyanda’s favourite time.

If it was her favourite time, she’d surely want you to be enjoying it too?  Try to focus on what you have rather than dwell on what you’ve lost.  Use it as a time to have some quality time with the kids, try to appreciate the good rather than looking at it with impending horror.  Sitting there going “oh god, it’s going to be horrible” you’re already setting yourself up for having a miserable time, is that what she’d want you to be doing?  Stop it, damn well look forward to having some fun with your kids in her memory.

As I said, easy for me to say and incredibly difficult to put into practice, I know.  But still.

nibloke wrote

 Grief is a funny thing.

Indeed so.

My dad passed away in April, apart from the initial grief I was “fine”. About 10 days ago whilst looking some pics of him  many months of tears and sobbing just came out.

Grief really is a funny thing. The slightest thing can set it off, at any time in any place.

Cougar – not something I had thought of in the way you describe. I am not looking forward to it because Lyanda isn’t here with us to enjoy it and be part of it. You are right in everything you say and it all makes sense. But, like you said, it is difficult to put into practice. I will try my best though. Thankyou.