Most mindbendingly stupid thing you've ever heard?

The other day: 'It's illegal to sell bacon with rind under H&S laws as children might choke on it.'

Telephone conversation yesterday:

JulianA 'May I speak to Lois please? It's JulianA returning her call'

Unknown 'Certainly. Can I ask what it's regarding?'

JulianA 'I don't know: I'm returning her call…'

A guy I used to work with told me to be careful when I go to B&Q on there 10% off days as "they don't take 10% each item you buy but just take 10% off the total at the end, They think your stupid or something!!"

The wife overheard a couple of women having a natter about the new cctv cameras that had been put up on the street with one of them saying " I don't think they're real as I don't see anyone ever coming to change the tapes".

I think we have a winner.

Man finds grenade in his back garden.
Despite claiming he didn't realise it was a grenade, he tried to defuse it.

…the RAF said it was very unstable.
'They weren't very happy with me when I told them I'd been holding it next to my ear and listening to see if it would go bang.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1309440/Plumber-unearths-WWII-prisoner-war-camp-garden.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Our secretary said to me as if I was a complete fool –

"but baked beans aren't a vegetable, they are made from pasta"

I think she still believes I am making it up…

Whilst watching the Lord of the Rings a friends girlfriend asked him where middle earth was.

genius.

Was at the zoo a few years ago with the wife ,my mate and his girlfriend.Loking at the pengins the girlfriend came out with;
"Andy,you know that pengins are birds"
"Yes" I said,
"How do they stop them flying away"
"They clip there wings Helen" 🙄

Monster HDMI cables make the speed of light travel faster, i lolled hard

I pointed out that my name was spelled wrongly on a cerificate which was being presented by a 'high-up' HR person. After a mildly heated debate, he was still adamant that I must have made the error on my course application.

My name is Graeme, they had Graham on the certificate!

Overheard at work today. A colleague was telling someone about his upcoming trip to Australia.

"You're going to Perth? That's where the Sydney Opera House is, isn't it?"

Trying to get a taxi, my sister-in-law said 'try fifty fifty fifty. If they are busy try five-o-five, o-five-o'

An ex work colleague believed that Sweetcorn was magnetic and reformed in your stomach after chewing it, and this was the process that caused Sweetcorn to magically appear in your shyte

Another ex colleague also believed that cans of Tuna had Dolphin in it & that Fish Fingers had Penguin in them (due to a penguin logo being used next to the freezer info on the pack) & that Penguins are not birds

I was watching that Location etc etc on C4 years ago when the girl who had more money than sense was stood in the very nice back garden of a house and declared……'OMG it's semi detached at one end' it was a rather plesant semi, which she declined as it hard dark paint on the walls 🙄

The other on the same subject, was that place in the sun show when Jermaine Defoe's girlfrend (since then she's been out with a number of other equally dim footie players) declared 'ooh look its got that funny wallpaper again'
To which the shows host Amanda Lamb replied 'yes its called marble'

"what does stealth mean" cant remember the response but it was so priceless I forgot! make your own inappropriate one up!

and my fave

"the moon gives off a lot of light, nearly as much as the sun"

winner till the grave!

"We're going to privatise the royal mail" from some minister.

Girl in my geography class:

1. In response to the explanaiton that coffee is grown on slopes to allow drainage of the water to avoid frost, she asked: "Is that for non-freeze dried coffee?"

2. When asked to name a cereal crop: "Wheetabix"

She also attended her driving test with "L" and "R" inked onto the back of her hands….

(Thick but oh so fit as I recall)