I was in my local shop and wanted to buy some cheese. I pointed at a block of cheese and said "How much for half of that?"

The girl told me she would not cut in half to weigh it to let me know the price!

One particularly ditzy girl at work once described a new fridge as being "about half the size of a bear".

We nearly had her convinced that Lord of the Rings style trolls were extinct but she cottoned on after a bit.

Mates bird shopping for reading lamps in ikea

Spots one with an on/off switch with bumpy bits on the switch

"is that for blind people?"

Same girl with wide eyed disbelief, commenting on the huntingdon windfarm she had passed everyday since they were built.

"you're kidding they make electricity? I thought they were like, y'know artistic like"

Somebody at work ordered a ream of A4 yellow photocopier paper, which arrived in a clear plastic wrapper.

The manager wanted to know who ordered the giant Post-it notes.

We visited Chatsworth House with my mother, and were going around the gardens. We encountered the Weeping Willow:

My mother asked, "That wouldn't be natural, would it?"

My wife saw one of these in the sky, and asked why it had a clock on the end. True.

From various students essays:

"Countries like Africa…"

"American cities, for example Toronto, …."

"Postmodernism makes the world easier to understand…"

clubber – Member
Presumably (without googling) you know the difference between the Netherlands and Holland then, fadda

Holland is a province of the Netherlands.

Numpty thing to hear:

M6 Northbound, past Preston & the M55 junction, get beeped at by a couple of girls in a car [scouse accent]"Is this the motorway to Scotland?[/scouse accent]

"Where did all this soil come from? Get rid of it!" said my mother-in-law angrily, as I was finishing the hole she'd asked me to dig in her garden.

"Why don't you just bury it?" – this was Mrs Squidlord trying to help.

My sister once said in total disbelief as a retort to me telling my mum about the talking petrol pumps at a filling station down the road from us 'they're for the blind drivers so they know what fuel they're putting in!'
Won £20 for that one from FHM

My now wife, very nearly equaled this one saturday, when after we'd bought my little brother a new fish tank with a lid on it she said – 'how will the fish breather with a lid on the tank'

missingfrontallobe – Member

clubber – Member
Presumably (without googling) you know the difference between the Netherlands and Holland then, fadda

Holland is a province of the Netherlands.

Nearly, try again :-)…

My own mother once called me a "son of a bitch".

An ex girlfriend once booked a surprise holiday to Tunisia telling me that the travel agent had told her it was as near as you could get the Africa without leaving Europe.

I have just heard on the train

"I want to have a handbag tattoed on my face!"

"Can you get a suntan at night?"

Moonlight is just reflected sunlight, so I'd not be surprised if you could get a tiny bit of one, sitting out long enough.

Ages ago, me and my wife were following her parents car back through some twisty country lanes. In front of them was a horse box, so when the opportunity came – her parents overtook.

Just at that moment, the line in the road changed from – – – – to an unbroken line. My wife asked if I was going to overtake…I nodded at the line and said 'it's illegal'

– it's illegal to overtake horses? was her reply.

french gf points at nelsons column and says "oh zit is napoleon!"

"How can tuna be dolphin friendly? Doesn't tuna come from dolphins?"

– A friend from school who, at a very young age, learned that tuna fishing is endangering dolphins. He spent the next 12 years thinking that tuna was dolphin meat.

"Its so cute that you named your country after our language!"

– An American of urban legendry fame.

girl at a place i used to work talking about a bloke there with a prosthetic leg

"i knew he had a false leg but i didn't know he had a false foot too"

I was shopping at Home Bargains in Morley and overheard two female members of the staff discussing the following;

Dumbass One: "But, seriously, bacon isn't actually meat though is it?"

Dumbass Two: "Er, nah… hang on, isn't bacon pig?"

Dumbass One: "Is it? Is it from a pig then? Like a real life pig?"

Dumbass Two: "Aye, but its not meat though, is it?"

Ten minutes of this. I pissed myself laughing.

tron – Member
"Can you get a suntan at night?"
Moonlight is just reflected sunlight, so I'd not be surprised if you could get a tiny bit of one, sitting out long enough.

That was her logic.

I give you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJuNgBkloFE

Heard at work; "Is county Durham in the EU?"

AdamW – Member

At college I was once asked by a really thick Irishman:

"So you're gay. Does that mean you have sex with lesbians?"

Interesting that you felt obliged to include his Nationality there Adam…Is it pertinant to the tale?

Perhaps this is a case of a "Really Thick English Homosexual" in a "more than likely bigoted internet post retelling a personal humour bypass/ or bigotry incident tale", whilst simultaneously displaying some of their own bigotry.

If so, it's not quite the most mindbendingly stupid thing I've ever heard, but it does make me laugh 😆

A girl, in my maths class some years ago asked, 'do shetland ponies ave to migrate home to shetland to breed?'

Do thistles stop at the border?

And

Where there are speed restrictions at road works, 'do they not apply on sundays as the men are not working?'

I was once asked to " take it out the middle and put it in the centre"
I was an Irish man I am afraid.

I was an Irish man I am afraid

.

Nothing to be ashamed of. Are you still an Irishman, or a really thick Englishman[/i] now who can't spell? 😆

missingfrontallobe – Member

clubber – Member
Presumably (without googling) you know the difference between the Netherlands and Holland then, fadda

Holland is a province of the Netherlands.

Nearly, try again :-)…

The spelling?? 😉

I seem to remember that Holland is a geographic region of The Netherlands, but there are two modern administrative areas in the modern day country called North and South Holland. Without googling.

Am I right?

you got it in one soda

Frontline services in the NHS won't be cut.

Two guys I used to work with discussing prices and discounts at different shops of something one of them wanted to buy,
"Yeah, but what's 5% of £100 ? It's probably only about two quid."

My brother's former wife, when discussing religion, actually said "Religion never did anyone any harm".
Didn't know whether to laugh or punch her.

You should have punched her, it would have instantly disproved her point.

"American cities, for example Toronto, …."

"Postmodernism makes the world easier to understand…"
Toronto is an American city. Postmodernism does make the world easier to understand.

A couple of years back, when I ran an online retail business, we received a phone call from an Irishman ( 😆 ) that went exactly like:

"Hello. You see your website there?"
"Yes"
"Can you tell me what time it closes?"
"It's open 24hrs a day sir."
"Is it now? Oh, that's good. Thank you very much"

Working in bike shops we often used to get daft questions or comments.

Bloke came in once with a puncture, can we fix it please. No probs. Ran hands round inside of tyre to find the thorn/glass etc, nothing there so in the end we checked the tube to find 4 neat holes in a line. Asked the customer how he'd done it and the reply was "well someone told me I could use a spoon to fit the tyre if I didn't have tyre levers. But I didn't have a spoon either so I used a fork"

🙄

I can safely say that at least half of these are sense of humour by-pass on behalf of the poster..

tragic

rusky thanks for that, I now feel like the smartest person in the world. How stupid can they be???

After me and the missus had been speaking to some lad on a bus out of Seattle for ten minutes…
"So, are you from Australia or New Zealand?" says he.
"umm, Wales, next to England." we replied, slightly suprised, but having encountered guesses from Germany, Scotland etc in the past we were not that suprised.
"Are you sure?"
Much sideways glancing at each other and suppressed laughter.

konabunny – Member

My brother's former wife, when discussing religion, actually said "Religion never did anyone any harm".
Didn't know whether to laugh or punch her.

You should have punched her, it would have instantly disproved her point.

Kind of got that…

a friend on a trip to the seaside asked "how much is a 15p ice cream?"
the lady looked at him in confusion and said 30p to which he said "ok i'll take 2" (not clever but true)

whilst in indonesia I heard an american ask a tour guide whether all the islands were surrounded by water as she was a poor swimmer.

At school, many moons ago, the PE teacher instructed us to "divide into three halves – one half over there, one half in the middle, and the other half over there…"