Long distance relationships – can they ever work?

Been together 10 years at various stages in that we have lived apart – she went to uni in st andrews – me in dundee – living in arbroath

St andrews was a perfect sunday morning cycle and then cycled to uni on monday morning.

Did that for 3 years – then she moved back to arbroath and drove to uni for 4th year.

Then she worked in the highlands for a year on placement – used to drive up from aberdeen most weekends

Now i work offshore and go to africa for a month/5 weeks at a time.

So come on, Buzz – what’s the gossip? 😀

Well I quite unexpectedly had a holiday romance in Scotland. Almost blighted by: the presence of her poor friend who had to suffer me, remaining unresolved feeling about my late wife, the impending end of the trip. Despite that we got on “like a house on fire”. It seems we’re crazy about each other. And we want it to be the start of something.

Problem is I’m based in Somerset and she will be in Dublin for a good while. Apart from finding out if the magic is still there when we get together again, is the challenge of a long distance until the geographic ties change.

my GF and I did it for five years. we met in Australia and spent six months hitchhiking, camping wild, getting stoned and generally having fun whilst living out of each other’s pockets (or backpacks).

when I got back to the UK I had pretty much given up on the idea of our relationship continuing, but she had other ideas. within a month she had flown over from Munich. that summer I decided to ride to Munich and ended up spending a few months there.

upon my return I got myself a proper job and she stated uni. both of which were good as our gave us something else to focus on.

she would visit during the holidays and eventually did both placements in London. I would fly over whenever I had a lull in work.

this went on for far too long. I eventually ended up in Germany, but we both had imagined that it would be her coming to London once she had finished her studies.

looking back I’m surprised that we put up with the situation for so long. fortunately I was earning enough that I could fly over at short notice and she had lots of breaks.

it was also a blessing that Stansted was just 20 mins up the road and that easyjet flew to Munich.
strangely I never really felt that far apart or separated.

I would agree that you need to be a bit bloody minded/happy on your own type of person. if you or her are needy then it will be tough.

it’s not something I want to go through again, but it was, in my case, worth the effort… 11 years now.

I think distance makes the magic last longer.

Plenty of regular, cheap flights between Bristol and Dublin.

Good luck – how exciting! 😛

We have been together for 20 years.
I currently live in Aberdeen in the week, and go home at weekends. It seems to work OK, absence makes the heart grow fonder etc.

But my neighbour has been working away for the last 2 years and he has just dumped his Mrs as he has been shagging someone in his new location for the last year or so..

I hop they work because my GF has just moved to Devon with work and I am still in the Midlands. 🙁

Nielsonwheels, better not introduce her to my Mrs then, she’s in Devon, they might get lonely and…

if she’s abroad, i hope you like airports. My one piece of advice is that even if the journey is difficult/knackering/stressful, don’t make the other person feel guilty for it. I had to sleep rough around Manchester airport as I’d usually miss the last train on the return flight. I didn’t enjoy that, but I made sure to gloss over details when telling the gf.

But, if i had to do it again, i would do it without much hesitation. I flew to Finland every 3-4 weeks during the final year of my masters. It was a bit reckless and naive, but I somehow got good grades, saw the world and won the girl.

Nielsonwheels, better not introduce her to my Mrs then, she’s in Devon, they might get lonely and…

😯

First Mrs was several hours away, I travelled to hers at the weekends and spent the entire time doing up the house before going off for another week. It worked remarkably well, but there was a reason for that as once we moved in together and married it all went horribly wrong. Distance worked better for us it seems.

Mrs B and I will have been together 20 years in November traveling between Derby and London. Works for us but we are both happy with our own company.

Not been able to ride as much as I would like as she does not cycle nor can she drive. But she is worth it.

Maybe helped we were in our mid 30’s when we met, not sure it would have worked if we were younger. By ~35 ish we were a bit more mature about things.

I’m based in Somerset and she will be in Dublin

Well, if you’re going to have a LDR then at least you’ve ‘chosen’ two good locations – I’ve flown Bristol->Dublin a few times and it’s a nice, easy, cheap flight and both airports seem pretty efficient at least.

Surely the crux of the matter is how far you are away from each other, how often you get to see each other, how much you are a part of each others lives in both places?

IME the same country or at a stretch Europe can work. Any farther afield is unlikely to.

I was feeling daunted by the idea. But after reading this I’m encouraged. We’re both early 40s professionals and seen a bit of life but used to being independent. The circumstances we met in and how we hit it off are almost uncanny. Despite trying to be cool, I find I’m completely smitten with her 🙂 really hoping this one works out.

God I feel a bit useless reading all these.

In my defence when Sara and me met I was 19 and she was 20 i’d just come out of a pretty heavy relationship and sara was unsure about her sexuality and we had about 2 months of being together before she effed of to Oxford. I think it was pretty hard on her, student life is all about being there and in jokes and all that, and every weekend she was driving back to see me, I would go and see her occasionally, but her place up there was tiny ( single bed!!) and it was hard for me to break into her circle of friends. It didn’t help that she had a drunk one nighter with some random she met in a bar. Hard to trust her after that, and it all went a bit pear shaped. We tried to make it work, but she’d come down with work to do, and then I’d be running with my club. We did a bit of FWB but I knocked that on the head.

Stupid thing is, I’d still run if she called.

Don’t know your situation emsz. But have you thought about contacting her?

The thing is, there’s conflicting things going on in all of us, we get pulled in different directions. Having fun with mates is important, so is sex, and also long term love.

Distance **** this up a bit, because you start having to choose. It works better if you can manage not to sleep around whilst the other’s away, and if you place a high enough value on the long term.

Your view on the long term is different when you’re young to when you’re old, but I’m struggling to articulate exactly what I mean.

I guess that’s why most of these success stories are with older professional people…

not in my case, it wasn’t, Molly…

were both 19 when we met.

and what is this bullshit phrase about professionals?

Yes. It can. If you both want it to work.

bullshit phrase about professionals?

yeah I see what you mean. I think the point is that we’re both independent with complete and established lives of own, and value the independence of the other. It’s the independence aspect that matters.

I think the main put-off/back-off for both of us is the idea that it can’t work. But I’m changing my mind after reading this.

Buzz, it’s been on off for ages, and we just end up hurting each other. Thing is, we have a big mutual circle of friends here ( my housemate is mates with the bloke Sara was going out with when we met! Awkward much!!) so she stays away, or keeps a low profile, which hurts even more because I know she’s avoiding me.

We’re not done yet ( she just doesn’t know it LOL) but we both need space at the minute.

and what is this bullshit phrase about professionals?

I meant people who aren’t students, cos those people are more lkely to be older.. But I guess the term could be interpreted as something else, so I do apologise for that.

And I of course didn’t mean that you have to be older to make it work, I was just commenting that many of the posters seemed to be, and I wondered if that was significant.

Whether it worked or not, I’d say give it a shot mate. Else you’d never know right?

I did long distance with the ex. Well, far enough away for it to be weekends only and it ended in tears. However, I firmly believe if you put the work in and you’re truly committed to understanding each other then it will work. Obviously emotional maturity is a big component, but you seem like a solid guy.

Plus it’s slim pickings in Somerset. The cider is not kind to their teeth.

@alpin I think by “professionals”, he means they both have careers and aren’t marking time waiting for Prince Charming/Cinderella on whom their entire fate rests upon and whose lives will be made a misery when they fall short of those lofty expectations.

Plus it’s slim pickings in Somerset. The cider is not kind to their teeth.

Lol!

Thanks for the support curious. Will catch up with you again, but I hope to be spending a lot of my free time in Dublin quite soon.

BTW. She says that Dublin is overflowing with eligible women because it has a dearth of decent men. So get thee to Dublin.

GF (of over a year) lives 40 miles away we’ve no plans to co-habit: she’s very settled there, and I’m very settled here. It works well and we’re both very happy, but weekends-only and one snatched evening midweek isn’t really enough.

Give it a shot, Buzz 🙂

fair enouh…. jus the term prfessional grates me.

a prfessional what? wage slave? technically once you are getting paid to do your job you are a professional.

how about just sticking with mature…?

a prfessional what? wage slave?

That’s a good description 🙂

Mature – yes, better word. Sorry.

For 6 months, I was on Cambridge and my other half in Kent, so not too far apart: 2-3 hours depending on the Dartford crossing.

We’d been together for about 4 years, then got jobs in seperate places. We’d meet up at weekends, usually my flat, rather than the skanky nurses accomodation she was staying in. Sometimes at her folks place which was sort-of halfway. I did a couple of surprise evening drives to see her, including Valentines day, which went down very well 🙂

After 3 months, we got engaged, 3 months later, she found a job in Cambridge and moved in with me, 6 months later we got married.

Its our 12th anniversary on sunday 🙂

Whether it worked or not, I’d say give it a shot mate. Else you’d never know right?

This!

Better to have loved and lost than not loved at all. Buzz, I hope that didn’t sound insensitive given your situation, but my point is that you have nothing to lose right now.

Yes, long distance relationships can work very well. It can be tiring if you have too many on the go at the same time though so build up slowly.

Lol.. nicely done 🙂

Worked fine for nearly 10 years (Paris/Wales)…… Only took 4 years of living together for the wheels to fall off spectacularly!!
Too independent by that stage I guess :0/
Won’t bother again!!!!!!!

Ta wallop. She’s quite sensitive not to hurt me because she understands what hurt I’ve experienced. I just told her that my heart is my responsibility. Currently my heart is telling me not to let her get away 🙂

Last time it felt like this, I was 19 😳

Many years ago I went out with a German lass at university. We did a long distance relationship for about 4 years or so. It involved getting the 03:25 train from York to Manchester on Saturday morning, then the 07:45 flight to Munich, then various trains. Then reversing the process a few days later.
We only saw each other a few times a year and it was a bit intense. This was in the days before cheap flights and cheap phone calls so it was quite difficult to do on a weekly wage of £118.
I particularly remember one Easter trip where it all seemed to be falling apart due to the stress and I was genuinely wondering if there would be a next trip.

Anyway, getting to the point, we’re just about to buy our third house together almost 20 years later and have two kids 🙂

Lol @ 40 miles being long distance

Do it, life is too short

I’ve done :

Stourbridge to Durham, Leeds, Shaftesbury, Rochdale, London etc etc (not all the same person!) and the distance wasn’t an issue at all

Fingers crossed for one starting in Bristol, very early days yet