Jokes that 95% of people won't get

boxelder- awful. 😆

A hippy goes into a bakers and says “can I have two doughnuts please.”
The baker says “the doughnuts are all gone.”
The hippy says “Excellent dude. I’ll have five!”

“A photon walks into two bars.“

This I like. And the Pascal one.

A person walks into a Glasgow bakers and asks “Is that a pavlova or a meringue?”. The baker replies, “No, you’re right.”

No-one in Glasgow would ever ask about a pavlova. Some of them have a small piece of fruit in…

Auguste Escoffier once made a merangue-based desert as a treat for Anna Pavlova. However, no sooner had he delivered it to her than the door-bell rang again and Pavlova’s dog ate it.

*applauds*

A glasgow school teacher explains to his student that although in almost every language a double negative makes a positive, there are no languages where a double positive makes a negative.

‘Aye right’ replies the student

Only a startled meringue will come back to you.

Don’t get the hippy doughnuts one.

Because the summation of 2^-n from n=1 -> 2 as n -> inf.

Ah yes.. see I haven’t got my green booklet with me 🙂

Auguste Escoffier once made a merangue-based desert as a treat for Anna Pavlova. However, no sooner had he delivered it to her than the door-bell rang again and Pavlova’s dog ate it.

Took me about 5 minutes to get that.

Everyone at my work mocks me for being a nerd, but tomorrow I’m going to bring a lump of coal in and show them what I’m really made of.

Swedish man walks into Boots
“I’d like some deoderent please” he says to the assistant

“Certainly sir. Ball or aerosol?”

“Neither, I want it for my armpits”

A man walks into a St Helens hardware shop and asks for some turps

“Certainly sir, do you want audio turps or video turps?”

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like bananas.

…and tits like coconuts.

well the ones in our garden do, but the blackbirds prefer sultanas.

Can’t believe I got to tell this, but here goes.

Who was the leader of the pedant’s revolt?

Which Tyler.

APF

Quote
“One day I believe all black men will own 50inch plasma tvs and dress in designer trainers”

Martin Looter King

ok for completeness I’ll do the binary joke no-ones done yet…

binary eh, it’s as easy as 1 10 11

I am therefore I think.

Sorry, I was putting Descartes before the horse there….

That’s not a neutrino in my pocket, I’ve got a hadron. 😉

Two atoms are walking down the street when they bump into each other. One atom seems fine, but the other atom is obviously shaken up.

“Are you all right?” asks the one atom solicitously.

“No!” cries the other atom, looking about frantically. “I’ve lost an electron!”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive!”

Back in the 70’s I was in Ashington in Northumberland, I went into a hairdressers & asked for a perm. The barber says, ‘I wandered, lonely as a cloud…’

What’s the best cure for seasickness?
Sit under an oak tree.

All day I’ve been trying to work out what a void consists of….i’ve given up. Ah well no matter.

An egg and a sausage in a frying pan, the egg turns to the sausage and says ‘Hows it going?’ to which the sausage replies ‘F*ck me, a talking egg!’

Oh, took me a little while to get that multimeter one.. hehehe…

Is that just a “Resistance is futile” thing, or is there more to it? Saw this today, wasn’t expecting a nerd joke, so took me a while to get it. Brilliant.

This one made me giggle a bit today as well.

Which Tyler is now my favourite joke of all time. Oh my word, I can’t stop laughing.

Should it not be the Pedants’ Revolt?

Superb, Willard!

A Higgs boson particle walks into a bar. The barman says ‘ah there you are!’.

An Electron and a Proton walk in to a bar,

Proton says, “Your round”

Electron “Are you sure?”

Proton “Positive”

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
.
.
.
To get to the same side!

A Neutron walks in to a bar and asks for a Gin & Tonic, “how much is that?” it asks the bar man
.
.
.
.
For you sir, No charge!

Enough of the neutron/no charge electron/positive jokes lol..

A Yorkshireman’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?”

Jeweller: “Do you want it 18 carat?”

Yorkshireman: “Nah, I want it chewin’ a bone yer daft bugger!”

One for Don Simon.

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A Spaniard is in London and wanders into a clothes shop, and says in a very thick accent, “Hello sor, carn you elp me, I nid som, como se dice, how you say, calcetines?”

The shopkeeper says “I’m sorry mate, I don’t speak a word of Spanish, could you describe what you need?”

The Spaniard points at his feet. The shopkeeper says “You need some shoes?”

The Spaniard says “Shoos! Si!” and looks hopeful. So the shopkeeper wanders off and comes back with a pair of shoes in a box. But it’s clearly not right, the Spaniard says “sorry, no shoos” and points to his feet again.

So the shopkeeper guesses again “You need some trainers?”

The Spaniard says “Trayners! Si!” and looks hopeful again. so the shopkeeper wanders off and comes back with a pair of Nike. But it’s clearly not right, the Spaniard says “sorry, no trainers” and points to his feet again.

The shopkeeper’s getting really annoyed, but suggests “Socks perhaps?” and goes to the back, the returns with a pair of black cotton socks.

The Spaniard is clearly happy with this: “Ah, ‘socks’! Eso si que es!”

The shopkeeper scowls and says “Well if you knew how to spell it, why didn’t you tell me in the first place?!”

Well, I lolled.

Cougar that went on so long, but still quite good 😀

They can’t all be one-liners. Variety is the spice.

No, wait, I’m thinking of cumin.

Arguements against the theory of nominative determinism?

Michael Winner?