Jokes that 95% of people won't get

I don’t understand any of these.

Neither do they.

Still not quite got it yet..

The idea of nearly getting something doesn’t exist, it’s a state verb. You get it or you don’t get it. 😆

“Doctor, doctor, I’m addicted to Twitter.”
“Stop wasting my time.”

The punchline there should be, “I don’t follow you.”

Did you know that recursion contains the word recursion?

Have you ever googled it?

The punchline there should be, “I don’t follow you.”

Not after you’ve seen that version tweeted for the 1000th time 🙂

A chemist, a phyicist and an economist are shipwrecked and marooned a desert island whith no food.
Just as they are begining to give up hope and come to terms with starving to death some tins of food are washed ashore from the shipwreck.
They debate how best to open them.
The chemist says “There appears to be a small sulphur content in the rocks on this island. We could use this and the seawater to make a form of sulphuric acid which we can use to speed up the corrosion of the tins and effectively burn our way inot them.”
The physicist says “That’s far too complicated. All we need is a sharp piece of flint and a sturdy stick and we can make a lever or axe and smash them open.”
The economist says “If we can assume for a moment that we have a tin-opener the rational thing to do….”

Never Twice the Same Colour.

The bartender says, we don’t serve your kind here. Then a tachyon walked into the bar.

A photon walks into two bars.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them. Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side. Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve found you!” Newton says “No no, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!”

Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?

A: Nothing; you can’t cross a scaler and a vector.

The physicist says “That’s far too complicated. All we need is a sharp piece of flint and a sturdy stick and we can make a lever or axe and smash them open.”

And the Geologist said “There’s zero chance of finding a flint on a desert island”.

Why can’t you tell jokes in base 8? because 7 10 11.

“Were you planning on that healing by secondary intention?”

Andy

Why can’t you tell jokes in base 8? because 7 10 11

That’s pretty flippin cryptic.

RM: Proper loled at the Pascal joke 😀

Has to be my favourite XKCD, I use fourier transforms daily…

The waiter brought me a plate with 2 dots on it.
I said ‘No, you fool – I asked for an omlette!’

The best bit about this thread is you can’t tell if the jokes are really duff or you just don’t get them

Enjoying lots, googling even more

I’ve got most of these so far but you’re gonna have to explain that one!

Umlout (Sp?) Mols

Oh I see… Umlaut…

How do you work out how many customers in a restaurant are only there for a drink?

With a binomial distribution.

Aha result!

Here I am by myself on a Friday night laughing at all the jokes. 🙂

How do you work out how many customers in a restaurant are only there for a drink?

With a binomial distribution.

Took me a moment to get that one. Like it.

B_Leach, haven’t done transforms yet, doing them at the start of next year. Hopefully I’ll be able to fully understand that comic then..

int 1/(cabin) d(cabin) = ?

Ahaha.. binomial.. got there in the end 🙂

It’s not the same thing, but I just watched a musical comedy show on the BBC which was completely dependant on the listener being both a Kate Bush and a Kate Nash fan. Brave.

Never Twice the Same Colour.

Conversely, Picture Always Lousy.

don Simon – how does it smell?

An old man walks into the bakers – “A loaf a bread please”
Baker replies “wholemeal, white or granary?”
Old man says “It doesn’t matter, I’ve got me bike outside.”

Never Twice the Same Colour.

Conversely, Picture Always Lousy.

just got both of those, seen together.

An engineer and a physicist are both chasing the same girl (a philosopher). She cannot decide which one can have her so she sets them a challenge.
“Starting from over there you have to walk towards me halving the distance each step you take, the first one to kiss me can have me”

The physicist thinks for a minute and complains “Thats impossible I’ll never get there”

The engineer walks towards her halving each step and eventually ends up 1mm from her face, leans forwards, kisses her and says ” Near enough”

Two parrots sat on a perch
One turns to the other
“Can you smell fish?”

Where did Heisenberg first pronounce his principle?
Here.. no,there…over here…up there…everywhere..”Not sure he did”

Pessimists will tell you that glasses are half empty
Optimists will tell you that glasses are half full
Optometrists will tell that the second pair are half price

Every couple has a moment in a field.

I’m concerned about how many of these I get.

An old man walks into the bakers – “A loaf a bread please”
Baker replies “wholemeal, white or granary?”
Old man says “It doesn’t matter, I’ve got me bike outside.”

Not getting this one at all 😕

How do you work out how many customers in a restaurant are only there for a drink?

With a binomial distribution.

Proper made me giggle, that did.

Pessimists will tell you that glasses are half empty
Optimists will tell you that glasses are half full
Optometrists will tell that the second pair are half price

Engineers will tell you that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Every couple has a moment in a field.

Oh, that is good.

Not getting this one at all

I put it down as either ‘surreal’ or a trick to try and make you work it out.

No soap radio did spring to mind.

Toys19, that joke was clearly created by an engineer who doesn’t know how physicists work 🙂

Also they’d need to be 2 steps away. If they were further they’d never reach, but the girl doesn’t state how far they are away..

I suggest you try it out…

Toys19, that joke was clearly created by an engineer who doesn’t know how physicists work

Or a british engineer.

Also they’d need to be 2 steps away. If they were further they’d never reach, but the girl doesn’t state how far they are away

Go on then – why?

Because the summation of 2^-n from n=1 -> 2 as n -> inf.
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..Duh?

😀