How do kids do it?

She’s three years old. I’m not kidding you, it was like an elephant’s leg. She was so proud but all I could do was wince (amd hold my breath, it was as noxious as it was sizeable).

Yep, everyone should have kids just to experience that wonderment.

One of the funniest moments of child rearing was when son1 did similar whilst in the bath, without really knowing.

He saw this weird thing appear suddenly next to him, and recoiled in shock. As he moved away the water swirled about to fill the gap and the damn think seemed to be coming in to attack. He started yelling and moving faster, which just made the problem worse.

How I laughed as I fished it put and flushed it down the loo.

You end up wondering which internal organ came out with it.
Either that or they store it inside like builders cowboy foam and it expands massively on contact with atmospheric pressure

I do wish we had Shimajiro when I was a kid.

I’ll never forget the one my son did in the lakes that time. He was about 12-13 I reckon. Not been all weekend we were there. Last morning a nice brisk walk up cat bells and back along the lake shore to Keswick. The urge came to him about a mile from home. It was like a baby’s arm. I buried it but I expect some of it is still there all these years later.

I thought you were going to talk about wheelies & endo’s.

I’m 65 & can’t do either.

the wail as my daughter experienced splashback for the first time will live with me forever… i laughed for a week – hahah!

My five year old seems to save up for days before producing something you might think was only possible by a 20 stone trucker. There are days I feel I should notify the Coast guard.

Indeed, I am sure the level of the north sea rose through displacement after one rather memorable flush….

I thought you were going to talk about wheelies & endo’s.

That second photo totally needs someone with more skills then me to ‘shop it with Mondeo Undertaker from a day or two ago.

Kid No2 once delivered a payload that blocked the bowl solid. I had to take a knife to it! Cut it in to manageable chunks for the flush to deal with.

I noises kid 2 made while carving this beast was like Geoff Capes doing the truck pull! UmmmmPuffFFFFF UUUUmmmmmMMMMmmmPPPPufffff

I don’t have kids but I do have three cats. This is what my life has become, I can tell which one of them has just laid a cable merely from the aroma.

The smallest routinely drops poos I’d have been proud of, it boggles me how something of that girth can come out of an animal so smol. I’ve used the line from the Forest Fr1ends cartoon above more than once to describe her output.

My grilfirend likes to treat her niece and nephew with a special cake on special occasions, and a couple of years are she made a psychedelic cheesecake with some very bright food colouring.
The end result after passing through a 5 year old girl was so impressive it was photographed and sent around on WhatsApp 😳
It was bright blue, like a Tellytubby.

my daughter is 5 now, and some of the behemoths that she produces is astounding.

She had the squits for the first time in her life a few weeks back. ‘daddy its coming out fast!’ oh how i chuckled!

She is yet to vomit (since being a baby), so that should be quite the experience for her!

Not a size thing but when my lad was young he was standing having a pee in the toilet and must have got a bit confused. The tiled floor had underfloor heating, it started to steam!

#TotW right here.

🤣🤣

@birky, can you send me your address, I need to invoice you for a new keyboard, this one has tea all over it

the wail as my daughter experienced splashback for the first time

Similar. I thought it OK to introduce her to the term Neptune’s kiss.

Here’s a photo I like to share with new parents:

My eldest as a baby could squirt a good metre at least. Nappy changing became quite an art, we could’ve given F1 pit mechanics a run for their money.

Mine are sweet and innocent little girls, but holy shit (pun intended) can they produce some outputs I’d be proud of myself.

My 3 year old daughter sat on the potty this morning and left behind something I’d have been proud to call my own. Fair play I thought as I got rid, she’ll be feeling better after that.

Not 5 minutes later she came in again and did exactly the same thing. Where was she keeping it all?

“Dropping an Otter” as it is known in our house.

The lad minted one the other week when we were staying an a caravan with a less than powerful flush. At one point I though I was going to have to fish it out by hand.

You should try having a 6 year old that refuses to drop the kids off at the pool to the point you seek medical advice! He’s tiny but once the cork was popped all hell could break loose and it was not unusual for him to block the chod bin two or three times in quick succession!

He’s 8 now and getting more regular but will still invite us upstairs to view the majesty of an especially impressive bob.

One of ours went through a phase of describing their outputs “daddy, this one is curly”, “daddy this one looks like a stick” etc

Nearly spilled my coffee at “King Kong’s finger”. Love it.

Daughter had a few bowl problems as a baby, wouldn’t go for days, then the minute you started to change her, it just kept coming and coming. Shouts for assistance with more wipes/places to dispose of it.

Daughter had a terrible time with her belly as a new born until she was about 18 months. The first time I was left in charge of her alone, she was making the ‘bad belly’ noises and whimpering, horrible to have to watch. Then there was a crack of thunder as she let out a fart I’ve never heard the like of before or after and she started smiling. Turns out it wasn’t a fart though, poo had ripped up the back of her nappy, through her vest and into her hair. I took one look at the mess before me, put down the box of baby wipes I had and shouted to the eldest “Son, prepare the bath!” we managed it together.

Youngest managed to swallow the metal ball from Mousetrap when he was 2 . After a frantic 5 minutes and a trip to A & E to confirm he had actually swallowed it, I spent the next 2 weeks squishing through his outputs to confirm Elvis had left the building. Certainly took the shine off of that ball.

Some of us never left childhood… Regular as clockwork… 2-3 times a week.

Ah @ossify that remimds me of tbe exact point all dignity left my life. 2am nappy change of my tiny daughter, me naked half asleep, her on the cot top thing, she smiled at me and shot a liquid poo that totally covered my belly, manhood, dripped all down my legs. Wife had to clean me and tbe baby.

I’m trying not to laugh.,.my 22mo has just finished his milk and dosed off on me so don’t want to wake him. Very hard though! Particularly as so many of these comments bring my own flashbacks from the 6 or 4 yo ‘angels’. Including poo squirts during nappy changes. Hard as it was I learnt to overcome the instinct to recoil in disgust and instead reach out and block the squirt with a hand to at least keep things on the changing mat

In case you missed it ( @nickc and @labsey ),

Tweets by forest_fr1ends

– have you seen the movie ‘jaws’?
– yeah, why?
– ‘you’re gonna need a bigger knife…’ pic.twitter.com/3ksEV4ZBj7

— forest fr1ends (@forest_fr1ends) May 25, 2021

Turns out it wasn’t a fart though, poo had ripped up the back of her nappy, through her vest and into her hair.

Yeah, the physics necessary for my daughter to shit in her own hair remain a mystery to me. Then there was the bathtime she waited until I’d wrapped her in her towel before letting go. A sort of runny shit fajita.

My 10 year old has resorted to doing half, wiping and flushing and then starting again after faaar too many blocked toilets. It’s good that they learn the limits.

The earnest expression from my 3 year old whilst stating (straining) – “poo’s coming, Daddy”. Thanks, Honey. #Oversharing.

One of mine at about 6 months, after a particularly long break between deliveries pushed out something with all the consistency, shape and size of a pepperami. The delivery was longer than their torso and perfectly straight. Thankfully all contained on the changing mat.

Didn’t smell like a pepperami.

It was bright blue, like a Tellytubby.

We had a similar experience after a bright blue cupcake at a birthday party, which gave rise to a clean blue to brown transition in the middle of a single ‘King Kong’s finger’. We’ve had the odd occasion where we’ve wondered whether junior is unwell on the basis of a distressing coloured poo, before remembering that there had been a party a day or two beforehand.

My five year old seems to save up for days

Been there with this one too – needed Movicol to help get/keep things moving. Our youngest now has developed a habit of needing to poo at particular times, such as just before bedtime, which can be a little frustrating given that he is capable of spending quarter of an hour on the job (while singing away happily to himself). Having said that, it is an improvement on needing to go half way through dinner, with the inevitable “finished” call that used to follow…

with the inevitable “finished” call that used to follow…

It was the grunting and eyerolling that used to get me. Especially with the echoing from a fully tiled bathroom.