I’m not so much a loser, more a complete failure in life.
Deserted by my parents as a nipper ‘cos I was ugly and couldn’t control my bowels, I was passed from orphanage to orphanage until matron decided to send me to sea.
Yes. Four years in a submarine. You know what that can do to a man…
After I’d come to terms with the new me – and learnt how to co-ordinate my blouse and skirt – I married a rather handsome chap who seemed quite distraught on our wedding night to discover I was somewhat more than he’s expected. He divorced me and I descended once again into poverty and self-loathing.
And then… I discovered… mountain biking! My senses came alive! I was free! I could power up hills, fly through forests, skim over rivers! But it wasn’t to last. I came on the forum, revealed my soul, and was mocked for being the pathetic and deviant creature I know myself to be.
So here I stand. Alone. Naked. Disgraced before my peers. There is nothing left for me to do, nowhere to hide. I’m at your mercy.
Please, be gentle with me 🙁