Girlfriend Problems

I was reminded of a friend who married, settled down and had children.
After the kids arrived, the hanky-panky stopped almost entirely, and apprently married life was never wall to wall action for him in the first place.

Sounds familiar 🙁

troubleandstrife – Member
Cheers guys, keep them coming. Knowing her then a therapist is a big No No, I mean if she won’t even open up to me about it ?? There’s no deep set issues so far as I am aware.

Tried talking so many times and it’s never really got us anywhere. If anything it seems to make her clam up even more.

To me that suggests that she has issues…is she otherwise candid and intimate about her feelings? (I suspect not)

how about you? are you an over weight big hairy pig that smells bad?

hows your personal hygiene?

how many people have shit breath but are oblivious to it?

she might be thinking I really like him in every aspect but he – stinks, long greasy hair, wispy goaty beard, nose hair that tickles my lips, big fat gut etc etc.

ask your self this “would she be bonking brad pit everyday if she could”?

imo everyone has a high sex drive (just need the right trigger)

or has she had some big sexual problems in her past?

watching embarrassing bodies will often throw up a woman with inverted nipple (for example) and therefore making her terrified about people seeing it – she could be very self conscious about a body part/function

Hmm.. perhaps you are not pushing her buttons? Maybe she wants something you are not offering?

For example, you might be thinking a rough bonk is good enough, but she might not. I know this is silly but if you cna find out what she is into it might make things interesting. Secret desires and fantasies, fetishes even…

Tried talking so many times and it’s never really got us anywhere. If anything it seems to make her clam up even more.

That could easily be because of how you approach it. Typically, men will want to apply logic to problems and find solutions; women can be more subtle. So you saying ‘just tell me what’s wrong’ for example would just be negative pressure causing her to retreat.

I know a few couple who are very happy in a basically sex free relationship
**Shudders**

Perhaps I’ve been lucky, I’ve known many women and I can’t for one moment imagine not ever, ahem, loving them.

I think its an important facet to a relationship, it serves several purposes.
I can’t help but think that couples who don’t are failing each other.

The caveat being of course, I have a libido.

On to the second page and no one has suggested “go out for a bike ride”

Another sad day in the stw forum

Lols at the filter

One thing for sure pressuring her will not help at all.

Agree 110% with TJ here – the more pressure you put on her, the less likely she is to respond. For whatever reasons she has (previous experience, low sex drive or whatever) she is not interested in sex and no amount of your cajoling her will make her respond any more. Either accept this or move on – I suspect you need to move on. Some men would be happy with having a beautiful (visually and mentally) girlfriend and don’t have the same sex drive as you – it sounds like, if she finds the right man she could make him very happy.

You need to do the same for yourself.

Was that a back doors reference?

Yes Al it was

Either accept this or move on

I think there is a third option which is to help her find the answers. requires time, understanding and probably professional help.

A delicate question but is she finding the ‘big O’ when you do get down to it?

they tend to get what all the fuss is about once you get to that point

I think there is a third option which is to help her find the answers. requires time, understanding and probably professional help.

I understand where you’re coming from TJ, but the GF doesn’t appear to be interested in sorting anything out.
Its about motivation.
Sounds as if as far as she is concerned, its OK to carry on as is.
However, clearly it is not OK to do that.
Where as I agree the OP shouldn’t pressure her.
Nor is it his life’s work to convince and cajole someone into liking sex with him.

+1 titusrider.
You need to locate the Cove 6″ full sus.

they tend to get what all the fuss is about once you get to that point

Of course, but I had assumed that wasn’t the issue as it should be a simply one to sort out.
ime.

maybe you have poor personal hygiene?

Solo – Member
Of course, but I had assumed that wasn’t the issue as it should be a simply one to sort out.

If you know how then you should be a millionaire…

I was going to add but it’s all been covered really.

oh but

Surely there must be some good looking outdoor’s type girls out there who value both type’s of ‘dirty weekends’ in equal measure

Can’t quite manage the good looking but the other bits are ok! There are lots of girls out there that enjoy both, you are probably just a bit scared that you may have to go out and find one.

I think there is a third option which is to help her find the answers. requires time, understanding and probably professional help.

While that may allow them to stay together, it does rather suggest that she has a problem that can be and needs fixing.

Maybe it’s the op that needs to change if he wants to stay together?

I think there is a third option which is to help her find the answers. requires time, understanding and probably professional help.

True – but from what the OP has said, she doesn’t see a problem that needs solving?

For what it is worth, I went out with a girl and we went through a very similar experience although she physically clammed up and it was simply impossible. She didn’t think it was a problem and I eventually believed that it wasn’t a problem either – somehow she made me believe her and the last years of the relationship were 100% sex-less. We even got engaged and were due to marry when she dumped me 2 months before the wedding and I spent my time immediately after the split wondering how I would find another woman who didn’t want sex – she had convinced me so fully that it was normal! Fortunately my early-twenties hormones soon took over – I shan’t say on here exactly what I was doing on the day I was meant to be getting married but it was a quick recovery 😀 and I still smile to myself every time I drive by Emley Moor TV mast.

It’s a shame that most people are seeing this as a situation where the OP’s girlfriend has the ‘problem’ / should change. There really isn’t any such thing as a ‘normal’ frequency to have sex – it varies massively between people and can range from once or twice a year to every couple of days:

– 18-29 year olds have sex an average of 112 times per year, 30-39 year olds an average of 86 times per year, and 40-49 year olds an average of 69 times per year (Mosher, Chandra, Jones 2005).

– 23% of non-married men reported they have never had sex in the past year, 25% reported only a few times in the past year, 26% reported a few times in the past month, 19% reported 2-3 times a week, and 7% reported 4 or more times a week (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).

– 32% of non-married women reported they have never had sex in the past year, 23% reported only a few times in the past year, 24% reported a few times in the past month, 15% reported 2-3 times a week, and 5% reported 4 or more times a week (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).

– 1% of married men reported they have never had sex in the past year, 13% reported only a few times in the past year, 43% reported a few times in the past month, 36% reported 2-3 times a week, and 7% reported 4 or more times a week (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).

– 3% of married women reported they have never had sex in the past year, 12% reported only a few time in the past year, 47% reported a few times in the past month, 32% reported 2-3 times a week, and 7% reported 4 or more times a week (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).

– 13% of married couples reported having sex a few times per year, 45% reported a few times per month, 34% reported 2-3 times per week, and 7% reported 4 or more times per week (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).

The main issue for the OP and his GF is one of incompatability – to overcome that are BOTH able to change and each take a step towards some middle ground? Seeing it as a problem where only one person should change their behaviour is never a good approach.

TJ is right, and a therapist would be a good way forward – but only if both are happy to consider how they might change their behaviour.

If not, then in the end going your different ways might be the best way forward.

If you know how then you should be a millionaire…

As above, I’ve been lucky like that.
But one soon learns its not the end all be all in life.

Anyway, sounds as if theres been more than one discussion on the matter and so there have been opportunities for these type of issues to be discussed.
If the GF wants/feels the need to.

Just sounds to me that she doesn’t need to be luv’d as often as the OP would like to be.

Personally I’d accept that and decide if I can live like that or not.
If not, which would definately be the case with me.
Then I’d have to call time on the relationship.
Not because thats all its about.
But it is one hell of an important piece in Love’s puzzle.
imo.

Maybe the OP is ridiculously well endowed and his chick just can’t accommodate a Watney’s Party Seven with a pumpkin atop.

Mine just wants to lie in bed and **** all day whereas I want up at the crack of dawn and out on my bike. She’s hot with big tits. Want to swap?

You married to my wife?

My first marriage was like your relationship and i thought all women were like her, frigid, how wrong i was when i divorced at 26 and met the lady who taught me all i know, i’m no longer with her but she made me realise women do enjoy sex.

djglover just got the thread closed….

and I still smile to myself every time I drive by Emley Moor TV mast.

Jesus – that’s impressive for a first time…

How come it’s her fault?

could be you, maybe you don’t do it for her, maybe being a sulky git about not getting any is a real turn off for her. Maybe she likes spontaneous sex, and the routine of life has got her down, maybe you smell, maybe…

She sounds really lovely, BTW, and sex IS important, but it’s not worth junking a relationship over, is it?

emsz – Member
sex IS important, but it’s not worth junking a relationship over, is it?

It can be.

Sue_W.

I don’t agree with those stats as I can’t imagine they could ever be accurate.

Anyway, on the I’m going to defend the woman front by suggesting both sides reflect on their repsective positions.

I thought the OP had already look inwards and came to the conclusion that they are not getting enough.
Whats bad about asking yourself what you feel you need.
Then seeing if that need is being met ?.
Its not like the OP sat down with paper an pen and came up with a random number of times a year they should be intimate and then expect the GF to comply.
By what I’ve read here, its about how the OP feels love, emotions, physical needs.

If you know how then you should be a millionaire…

I do know.. and it’s not hard if you have the capacity for empathy and the will to use it. Of course those two things can be in short supply in so many areas of life.

Time to move on. Without both couples having an equivalent sex drive, whether that’s once an hour or once a month, the relationship is doomed.

All this talk of working it through, obviously that is worth a try and you sound like you have made an effort but the counter argument is the sex has always been an issue right from the start. The longer you leave this the harder it will be to break away. Be cruel to be kind, for both of your sakes.

Really?

your jacked because of no sex?

harsh 😯

Sue_W – Member
Seeing it as a problem where only one person should change their behaviour is never a good approach.

You’ve missed out that the OP has already changed his behaviour.

And who wants to match some statistic? OP is an individual – should seek out what makes him happy.

molgrips – Member
I do know.. and it’s not hard if you have the capacity for empathy and the will to use it. Of course those two things can be in short supply in so many areas of life.

There can be a whole lot more to it than that.

I’d suggest that you’re other half has a look at

http://www.asexuality.org/home/%5B/url%5D

She may find that some of the things are relevant to her. It is possible to love someone and not experience sexual attraction.

The forum is a good source of information too, and has a section on sexual partners of asexual people.

How come it’s her fault?

could be you, maybe you don’t do it for her, maybe being a sulky git about not getting any is a real turn off for her. Maybe she likes spontaneous sex, and the routine of life has got her down, maybe you smell, maybe…

She sounds really lovely, BTW, and sex IS important, but it’s not worth junking a relationship over, is it?

Have you actually read any of the thread ?.
The sexual compatibilty thing has already been mentioned.
Along with the personal hygene question.

And you think you could live your whole life with someone, and be sexually unfulfilled for all that time ?.
To have needs that weren’t EVER met ?

Good luck if thats your situation !.

I’ve got a mate who since having kids is lucky to get any bedroom activity once a year let alone quarterly so think yourself lucky.

This thread has brought back memories of a girlfriend from about 15-20 years ago who wanted it all the time. I mean literally ALL the time – I simply couldn’t keep up with her and was perpetually tired. Happy days.

If you’re not happy you need to sit her down and talk it through.

On the plus side there are plenty of naughty sporty girls out there.

Really? Took me bloody ages to find one!

Yep Solo, read the thread, so he’s gone a few weeks without sex, and?

really, so what?

it’s not like your going to die is it?

There can be a whole lot more to it than that.

Point stands though. Empathy is vital in all areas of life.

Have to admit, I went out with a great lass – tall, blond, into ‘extreme’ sports.

But in the sack we really were quite different, which is why we banged it on the head.

That and we’d both just come out of intense relationships, so were probably a little fried.

She had some lovely tattoos though. Mmm…

This isn’t really helping much, is it? 😀