Hey I’m a regular poster on here but temporarily for this post I’m posting under a different name.

Basically I think I’m about to pull the plug on my girlfriend but just want to make sure the decision I make is the right one.

We’ve been together for 2 years now and generally things are great. She’s popular, outgoing and good looking and even better – she’s into surfing and skiing – the same as me (still working on the MTB though).

The downside though is that the bedroom action has not been what I’d call regular, even from the start. Perhaps once a week at first and then it has gradually reduced since then to around once every 6-8 weeks (currently it’s been 13 weeks). And when we say action, it’s always been pretty much no frills. It’ the equivalent of a ‘Tesco Value’ get your leg over – just the basics, same every time, and never anything more.

I’ve brought the issue up with her on a couple of occasions and she swears she’s really happy in the relationship – that there’s noting wrong and that she still fancies me. It’s just that she says she’s not bothered about having sex and never has been, not with anyone. I’d love to work on this, to talk it through but it seems for her there’s no compromise. Despite me telling her how important it is for me, she’s not been willing to try to change anything, not willing to try anything new and the more we talk about this the more she shuts down. Communication would be the key but I’ve tried countless times and it’s clear she does not want to talk about it.

So I’ve got to the point where I’m pretty fed up. We have just got back from a weeks skiing to a very romantic resort in Switzerland. Her desire to get up for the first lift of the day (every single day) was far more important than an extra 15mins and some fun in bed. In the evenings she was either too tired after skiing, too full after eating fondu, too drunk, or not drunk enough! It was the same on last years holiday too.

I’m getting fed up of feeling rejected. My previously high confidence is starting to take a knock big time. I feel like less of a man now than when we first met. As a result of all the frustration I’m becoming irritable, snappy and moody when around her – which doesn’t help the situation one bit.

So I think I’m about to pull the plug. Despite her being one of the most gorgeous girl on the planet, I just can’t take any more. After all what’s the point in owning a Ferrari if you can’t drive it very often – and then when you do take it for a rare spin, you find that it’s limited to 30mph and that it won’t let you slide the tail out?

I’m a little unsure though because now having gone out with an outdoors and sporty girl then I really like that side of things. I’m not sure if want to end up with a more typical type of girlfriend (an X Factor watching, celebrity obsessed, shopaholic) – just because she’s good in bed. Surely there must be some good looking outdoor’s type girls out there who value both type’s of ‘dirty weekends’ in equal measure?

So before I make a decision I’ll regret does anyone have any words of wisdom? Is a decision to leave someone based on sex not just a bit of a male cop out?

Oh and knowing this forum and before anyone asks, no I’m not rubbish in bed, she’s not a secret lesbian, she’s not having an affair, and she’s got no other issues I’m aware of bar this 😉

Just talk to her, air your desires and needs and just explain how she feels?
Even get her to read this?

My last g.f and I had the same issue, but worse. She was a Christian and wou;d go past a snog! Frustrating especially at 18! I raised the subject and we talked bout it. We decided it was best to no longer date after a wek of talking things through but we do genuinely talk and stil enjoy each others company.

We are both better off for it in the long run and I didnt end up getting mahoosive blue balls.

You may be surprised what talking about it can do… ?

Hope my 2 peneth worth helped

Small penis?

On the plus side there are plenty of naughty sporty girls out there. IME they are the naughtier ones

😉

well you have tried all you can to improve it and change things
I doubt an aultimatum would work but perhaps try one last time [ without the ultimatum] to discuss this
Perhaps suggest theraphy explaining it wil;l be a deal breaker if it does not change

It will break you eventually if you dont get it as often as you want or you will end up straying or you will juts have to accept your lot

Good luck whatever you do

and of course
HORA TO THE FORUM

troubleandstrife – Member
Despite me telling her how important it is for me, she’s not been willing to try to change anything, not willing to try anything new and the more we talk about this the more she shuts down. Communication would be the key but I’ve tried countless times and it’s clear she does not want to talk about it

Suggests to me that she’s not happy with some aspect of sex and that she doesn’t realise how important it is to you, and if you have genuinely told her how you feel then I don’t see where it can go.

Looks mean **** all in the long run (for me, YMMV) and there is no need for you to end up with Shopping-Mall-girl either…tho I’ve never needed a GF to fully share my interests.

Form what you have said, I’d make sure she’s unwilling ot look at her sexual behaviour (or lack of it) and if not, bin it.

There are lots of reasons you might not be compatible with somebody any more. Just because it’s the bedroom don’t beat yourself up about it (no pun intended).

won’t let you slide the tail out?

There’s your mistake right there.

Maybe a sex therapist could help to explore her sexuality and suggest techniques to help her increase her enjoyment. Maybe do it as a couple…

Buy her a Rabbit and a good supply of batteries. Lock her in the bedroom and don’t let her out until the batteries are used up

…or a threesome?

and of course
HORA TO THE FORUM

how do you know he is not the OP?

Have a shuffle while shes watching the soaps…should stir her into some kind of action

Disclaimer: All actions undertaken are at your own risk.

Oh and knowing this forum and before anyone asks, no I’m not rubbish in bed, she’s not a secret lesbian, she’s not having an affair, and she’s got no other issues I’m aware of bar this

i suspect you are mistaken on at least one of these statements

how do you know he is not the OP?

The op displays a large degree of understanding and compassion

Hora can’t even spell either of those words

It sounds like the ideal solution is cold showers and bromide for you.

Thread reported for multiple log in.

Sounds like you’ve tried to discuss it – and failed. That being the case I’d say it’s time to finish the relationship as there is a fundamental incompatibility between you. You might get a “I promise I’ll change” response but I doubt that change would last.

There are plenty of active girls out there.

People have different drives and desires. It sounds like sex isn’t that important to her. Its nothing you’re doing wrong, she just doesn’t have your drive.
If you put pressure her that’s only going to cause problems.

It sounds like you’ve tried to talk and if shes not interested there’s not a lot you can do. Have you let her know how you feel.. and I mean really let her know. Is she aware this is a deal breaker?

The bottom line is if you’re miserable, fed up, frustrated you need to sort it out.
To quote, and add to some advice I had, there are to many interesting, funny, attractive people out there to waste a short life on someone who doesn’t make you happy.

Good luck, but look out for yourself.

she ticks nine out of ten boxes which is pretty good she may even be a keeper with a score like that…start a subs bench… pull em on regularly for 3 – 6 months and you ll soon know what means more to you .. either way you dont lose.

Love, like and sex – you need all 3

Her desire to get up for the first lift of the day (every single day) was far more important than an extra 15mins and some fun in bed.

There’s your problem………………….15 minutes 💡

Mine just wants to lie in bed and **** all day whereas I want up at the crack of dawn and out on my bike. She’s hot with big tits. Want to swap?

True Woody … you’re massively overdoing it if you’re going for a full 15 minutes

She must be exhausted

Some people just had a low sex drive and simply don’t want “it” that often (if at all). If she was not keen from day it suggests that it is not a problem with you or your moves.

I guess you have to decide how important sex it to you in a relationship and whether her other characteristics are enough to overide that.

Edit, and I’m with her on first lifts, sex or not, first lifts is a must.

I think you already know what your’re going to do. 13 weeks without getting any is not really on is it?

You two sound incompatable and you’re only going to end up doing the dirty on her in the future so best give it a swerve now.

Thread reported for multiple log in.

Properly made me laugh…

Sex clearly means very little to her, but much more to you. You won’t change, she won’t change.

If it’s that important to you, finish with her, and make sure next time round you find someone a little more in tune with you sexually, perhaps to the exclusion of some other areas of compatibility. Grass is always greener elsewhere, obviously, and you may look back in years to come and wonder why it is that you dumped this wonderful woman…………..

it appears some people are not that bothered
BBC story

So how about if you’re in a similar situation to the OP (yet far, far worse), but have a couple of little kids (which may or may not have been the catalyst to end up in that situation)?

Cheers guys, keep them coming. Knowing her then a therapist is a big No No, I mean if she won’t even open up to me about it ?? There’s no deep set issues so far as I am aware.

Tried talking so many times and it’s never really got us anywhere. If anything it seems to make her clam up even more.

I just think she’s just not really into it and so far as I’m concerned there’s only so long I can go without ending up as a frustrated and gibbering wreck. I can’t explain how frustrating it is to be lying in bed every morning next to such a gorgeous girl, knowing that if you try and make a move, then nine times out of ten you’re going to get the brush off.

I would say the lack of interest in sex from here is a symptom not a cause. something is preventing her from enjoying a sex life. Might be you, might be unconnected to you.

One thing for sure pressuring her will not help at all.

For me it might be time for an ultimatum – explore the incompatibility with professional help or quit. However you have to be clear that its not her fault and you re not blaming her. Not just to say that but you have to understand that deep in your psyche

Oh – she’s not on any drugs at the moment? I know that some anti-depressants will reduce libido.

So the current situatuion is: you are in a relationship, with a laydee whom you thing is ace, but you aint getting much of the boom-boom.

Your solution is to break up with said ace laydee, risking her hating you for it and thus never speaking to you again and have much less the boom-boom.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, thought the grass would be greener, it wasnt and by the time I realised and tried to rekindle flames, it was too late, shed moved on and has now married the guy she moved on to. Worst. Mistake. Evar.

Talk it out, watch mucky films together to get in the mood, see a therapist. Whatever you do, sort it.

I know exactly how your girlfriend feels. I have similar issues in that sex just isn’t that important to me. It’s not something that I think about when I’m on my own. I was once single for a decade or so without feeling like I was missing anything and when I did get together with someone I quickly realised that it was far more important to him than it was to me – what I enjoy about the relationship is having someone to do stuff with during the day and to have conversations with, but when I go to bed I like to sleep. Once in a while I do fancy it, but sometimes I just don’t. That’s just how I am.

My advice would be to accept that that’s who she is. Don’t treat her as though there’s something “wrong” with her just because she has different desires and priorities to you. If you don’t think you can deal with that, then fine, but don’t think you’ll be able to change who she is.

And remember that sex is just part of the package. If everything else is good then maybe you can talk about it and try to find a way through it.

So how about if you’re in a similar situation to the OP (yet far, far worse), but have a couple of little kids (which may or may not have been the catalyst to end up in that situation)?

not really relevant to the discussion here, but under those circumstances, your life isn’t your own any more. do what you can to mitigate the situation if possible, but ultimately, your first responsibility is to your kids.

Knowing her then a therapist is a big No No, I mean if she won’t even open up to me about it ??

Maybe worth suggesting that as an ultimatum – it’s rather better than the alternative ultimatum at least (which has all sorts of dodgy overtones).

Thread reported for multiple log in
I had the same thought, although I stress to add I haven’t reported this thread.

and of course
HORA TO THE FORUM

how do you know he is not the OP?I also had this thought, but then decided against the true identity of the OP, being Hora.
For the lack of Police and mental people in the story.

OP.
After reading your post, I was reminded of a friend who married, settled down and had children.
After the kids arrived, the hanky-panky stopped almost entirely, and apprently married life was never wall to wall action for him in the first place.

Problem was, he still had a lot of Love to give and so eventually he found someone else.
Divorce is now going through and eventually he’ll be with his new lady.

So, the way I see it, if quantity and quality are issues.
And if one party has no desire to change.
Then best move on.
Had your partner been motivated to sort it out, then by the sound of it, a solution would have been found by now.

Perhaps neither of you can help the way you are made and if there is a fundemental / irreconcilable incompatibility in your relationship.
It may be better for both of you to go find someone more to your own liking.

FWIW, I think you know this already.

Good luck, to both of you.

she won’t even open up to me about it

You’ve never watched Jerry Springer/Jermy Kyle then I take it!

Some people find it much easier to talk to a “stranger” than they do to people they know and love. All you can do is ask her.

It’s not always that something is wrong.

I know a few couple who are very happy in a basically sex free relationship, people who are in there 30’s (if that makes any difference). People are all wired differently and some just don’t want sex or feel it is important.

6-8-now 13 weeks doesn’t sound like a lack of sex drive to me. More like the minimum she thinks she can get away with while doing her ‘duty’, or something far more deep rooted which may or may not benefit from some professional help.

If it’s the latter, is that a route you are prepared to try to go down, as it sounds like she definitely isn’t.