Favourite One-Liners

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I lost a button hole.

All Steven Wright. Genius!

What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it man!

What hides behind the potatoes at Christmas? Mince spies!

On the subject of NZ'ers emigrating to Australia…..

"….it raises the IQ of both countries"

Robert Muldoon MP

Fruit flys like bananas, time flies like the wind

– this one only works if you say it 🙂

Recent research has proved that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

I've just got a new job in a cardboard box factory. I'm making a packet.

Frank Skinner classic….

He did a show at a Gay Women's group type convention where obviously there was a strong representation of the lesbian community present.

He did his normal routine 😉 to almost complete silence. At the end in the foyer he was approached by two rather butch looking ladies who started to berate their disgust at his material.. " I am so disgusted with you small minded and bigoted material,It is vergin' on the offensive"

To which Frank skinnier replied " There's only one virgin on the offensive here love".

From the one liner king 😆

Cant remember his name, Canadian guy on Micheal Macintyre's road show…

"When god created me he said I can have either a long memory or a long penis…I can never remember which one I chose".

We had an apprentice once, lazy little git, but quite a character.
He was de-burring some parts once, with another apprentice.
Jokingly I feigned anger & asked if that was all he had done, he replied…
"No, he's done them, I haven't done any".

Harry Hill:

"It's funny that they make glue out of horses. They're not at all sticky"

Cotic

I went to a zoo the other day, all they had was one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.

I never apologise, I'm sorry, that's just the way I am.

Always borrow money from a pesemist. They'll never expect it back.

I once had a dog called Minton who ate Shuttlecocks……..bad Minton!

Horse walks into a pub. barman says "why the long face"

that's not a one-liner, merely the first line of a two-liner.

"Jus' 'cos I look like a fool, and jus' 'cos I act like a fool, don't be fooled, I am a fool!", Groucho.

Horse walks into a pub. barman says "why the long face"

that's not a one-liner, merely the first line of a two-liner.

No, that's a 2-liner on one line! 😉

How about,"9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape"