Favourite One-Liners

Not necessarily my favouite of all time, but still made me laugh this morning.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

(Tommy Cooper)

man goes to the doctor wearing nothing but cling film, doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts". (TC again!)

Is that an I-phone? No, you use your ear.

Man goes into a barber for a hair cut,

Do you want it cut around the back?

Why is the shop full Brrrrrrrrrm tish

Man goes into an Indian

Do you do takeaway?

Yes 3 from 5 is 2

Thats all folks thanks for coming. Good Night 🙄

Anything by Tommy Cooper.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, it's my livelihood.'

Is that a dictaphone?

No I use my fingers like everybody else.

crap, but I've always liked it.

Jeremy Irons

Most of these aren't really one liners, are they?

One liner =
"I used to own a paper shop but it blew away"

Still funny though! 😀

"Yes there is a vegetarian option – you can **** off"

Frankie Boyle

so many in full metal jacket,
not really a one liner but…
"private pyle!, were you born that stupid or did you have to work at it!?"

Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk, and what's more, you are disgustingly drunk.
Churchill: Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly

That canadian comic Stewart Francis is pretty good – "my chemistry teacher and I didn't have any…… rapport"

Fave from film is the response at the end of this:

MAUDE
I like it too. It's a male myth
about feminists that we hate sex.
It can be a natural, zesty enterprise.
But unfortunately there are some
people–it is called satyriasis in
men, nymphomania in women–who engage
in it compulsively and without joy.

DUDE
Oh, no.

Though it might be more to do with the delivery – no prizes for guessing the film?

Two peanuts walking down the street………..one of them was assaulted!

"you have the body of a woman half your age, growing inside your womb"

Frankie boyle

"she's so old her pussy is haunted"

Boyle again

"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Bill Hicks

'It's better to stay ready than get ready'

Will Smith on training

(Oh God! How true!) 😆

surely this should just be full of tim vine gags.

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"… It's a basic skill isn't it….

"Exit signs – they're on the way out aren't they?." "

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

The price of hearing aids has gone up?Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?…crematoriums"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

"You know, I'm not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. Yes – I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End…'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express…

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said "How about Another 48 hours?" , he said "Tomorrow!"

^^^ most of those are Tommy Cooper I think you'll find.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91gtP-rvlvI

Alexei Sayle – "is it fat, bold and jewish in here or is it just me?"

Did you hear about the crab who went to a disco? …..He pulled a mussel 🙂

@bling bling

Erm, no, they're not.

A few years before the record attempt was dreamt up, Vine's output gained notoriety for a different reason when a large number of his jokes were attributed to the late Tommy Cooper in an e-mail that went around the world. "I remember talking to a comedian in Australia who was saying how great Cooper was and then started quoting my jokes back at me." There were plenty of unwelcome reminders back home, too: "It was annoying at the time. Chris Evans would be reading them out on his radio show, or Richard Whiteley on Countdown, all unattributed to me."

the independent

Craig David is quitting his singing career to join the British 2012 Archery team. He's going to be their bow selector.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"

I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.

I had a wonderful time, unfortunately this wasn't it.

and many others from Groucho Marx

Took the wife out last night….one punch!

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be, thanks to evoultion 'Emo phillips I think :0)

This guy walked up to the bar i was working in at the time. I'd had a crappy shift.
He says, "got any cheap shots?"
I respond unthinkingly with, "Yes, your mama's a ho!"
oops. Not a good thing to say to a drunk man.

a fire work and a battery got arrested.

The Police charged one and let the other off..

beerrdum tish.

Guy in a bar where I was working (South Western Arms in Southampton) said 'Can you call me a taxi?'

I said 'Certaintly Sir, your a taxi'

True, honestly!

If you're liking this thread, go and see Milton Jones[/url], on tour now. Absolutely brilliant.

Still like Pete Poddys from the weekend ."you look like a fat bloke who's just dropped his chips "

Not really one liners but hey!

Why did the man fall off his bike?
Because he had a canoe thrown at his head

What has 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a cat

Still like Pete Poddys from the weekend ."you look like a fat bloke who's just dropped his chips "

I prefer "you've a face like a dropped pie"

Hedgehogs. Why can't they share a hedge? (Dan Antopolski)

Why do mice have small balls?

Because not many can dance.

There's nothing more I enjoy than dunking ginger nuts in a hot cup of coffee, but bullying is really frowned upon now isn't it?

Women are like swans………….always nicking yer bread!.

Two birds sat on a perch, one says, "Can you smell fish?"

two lions escape from blackpool zoo and are walking down the seafront, one says, "You know, I thought it'd be busier than this on a bank holiday Monday."

British soldier asked by a Yank why they hadn't fought in Vietnam

"We thought about it, but the Vietcong looked like they were doing ok on their own, so we left them to it"

Not all that nice, but sharp and to the point.

Horse walks into a pub. barman says "why the long face"

Two goldfish in a tank,one says to the other "How do you drive this f**king thing?"