A lesser-known Monty Python classic
Title: String
From: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Transcribed By: unknown
Adrian Wapcaplet: Aah, come in, come in, Mr….Simpson. Aaah, welcome to
Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver,
Vendetta and Prang!
Mr. Simpson: Thank you.
Wapcaplet: Do sit down–my name's Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet…
Mr. Simpson: how'd'y'do.
Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson… Simpson, Simpson… French, is it?
S: No.
W: Aah. Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder.
S: String.
W: String, washing powder, what's the difference. We can sell *anything*.
S: Good. Well I have this large quantity of string, a hundred and twenty-two
thousand *miles* of it to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I
advertised it…
W: Of course! A national campaign. Useful stuff, string, no trouble there.
S: Ah, but there's a snag, you see. Due to bad planning, the hundred and
twenty-two thousand miles is in three inch lengths. So it's not very
useful.
W: Well, that's our selling point!
"SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!"
S: What?
W: "THE NOW STRING! READY CUT, EASY TO HANDLE, SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR
STRINGETTES – JUST THE RIGHT LENGTH!"
S: For what?
W: "A MILLION HOUSEHOLD USES!"
S: Such as?
W: Uhmm…Tying up very small parcels, attatching notes to pigeons' legs, uh,
destroying household pests…
S: Destroying household pests?! How?
W: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them with it, and if
they're smaller than, you flog them to death with it!
S: Well *surely*!….
W: "DESTROY NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF KNOWN HOUSEHOLD PESTS WITH PRE-SLICED,
RUSTPROOF, EASY-TO-HANDLE, LOW CALORIE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR
STRINGETTES, FREE FROM ARTIFICIAL COLORING, AS USED IN HOSPITALS!"
S: 'Ospitals!?!?!?!!?
W: Have you ever in a Hospital where they didn't have string?
S: No, but it's only *string*!
W: ONLY STRING?! It's everything! It's…it's waterproof!
S: No it isn't!
W: All right, it's water resistant then!
S: It isn't!
W: All right, it's water absorbent! It's…Super Absorbent String!
"ABSORB WATER TODAY WITH SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL WATER ABSORB-A-TEX
STRINGETTES! AWAY WITH FLOODS!"
S: You just said it was waterproof!
W: "AWAY WITH THE DULL DRUDGERY OF WORKADAY TIDAL WAVES! USE SIMPSON'S
INDIVIDUAL FLOOD PREVENTERS!"
S: You're mad!
W: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Sex, sex sex, must get sex into it. Wait,
I see a television commercial-
There's this nude woman in a bath holding a bit of your string. That's
great, great, but we need a doctor, got to have a medical opinion.
There's a nude woman in a bath with a doctor–that's too sexy. Put an
archbishop there watching them, that'll take the curse off it. Now, we
need children and animals.
There's two kids admiring the string, and a dog admiring the archbishop
who's blessing the string. Uhh…international flavor's missing…make the
archbishop Greek Orthodox….
