Dear Singletragonyauntworld

On holiday a few years ago I met a couple, they had a dog, I had a dog we got talking and exchanged contact details.

She kept in touch with me, by ringing when things were going wrong in their relationship (often) and regaling me for (literally) an hour at a time with what “that bastard’s done/said/not done etc”.

That sort of conversation makes me feel tired, it’s very negative and I have my own (not inconsiderable) issues which I deal with by positive thinking, riding my bikes, and generally just bloody well getting on with it.

About six months ago he left her. I tried to be supportive initially – we all know how much it hurts to get dumped – but she was determined to wallow in it and be negative so I stopped ringing her. There were some legal issues so I did some research and wrote a letter for her to amend and send on. All went quiet, I get on with my life.

Last night she rang. She needs my advice. But she hasn’t done anything with the letter I prepared for her (which made me cross). She says she needs to see me! And here’s my question (sorry, I know this is long) she wants to come and visit me. I am on a 12-day annual leave. I have been looking forward to my holiday. I have a mountain of jobs to get through, I have several issues of my own I need to deal with and I was really REALLY looking forward to 12 days of peace and quiet, riding my bikes, hanging with my dogs and generally not dealing with hassle.

Sooooo, I didn’t mention the 12 days’ leave. And I didn’t ring her back when my phone was charged, instead I looked up some pro bono legal advice centres where she lives and emailed her the details. I just couldn’t face an hour of the usual.

And now I feel so bad, I know she’s upset and lonely, but I just can’t face 2 or 3 days of her crying and slagging her ex off.

I didn’t read your whole post, but surely you should just lend her you log-in and we can sort her out for you?

See, this is why I don’t talk to people… 🙂

Sounds to me like you’ve done plenty for her already. Enjoy your 12 days, I say. I suspect her issues can wait.

Can’t you get her to post on here ?

sorry, you met someone on holiday? and you kept in touch with them?

I’m confused.

Seems a lot of effort for an acquaintance.

She needs someone, and that’s a shame, and if you can help then that’s lovely of you. But ultimately it’s Not Your Problem and I’d feel no guilt in putting your own problems before those of someone you met on holiday once.

Friendships should be of mutual benefit, life’s too short to fill it with people who just make you feel worse.

sorry, I’m on my lunch break – can’t give you any advice right now.
CHOMP!
nom nom nom.
gulp.

(see, it’s easy)

Be honest.

“I understand times are tough for you and I’ve tried to help with practical advice but I can’t help you cope with the emotional side of things at the moment. I hope you understand it’s not because I don’t care but I have to deal with things in my own life, too”

or similar?

A guy I went to school with many moons ago sounds pretty similar – he harasses me daily on Facebook chat with his issues, which are the same every day… 👿

Like you, I actually did try to help. Now I suspect he’s just desperate for a bit of camo time.

camo time is precious. Yours is too.

She just wants some casual sex by the sound of it.

Errrm, chaps.

Isn’t Karinofnine a woman?

[edit] the moderators have been at work makign my comment somewhat irrelevant…

yes he is, why bring gender into it?

Stop being nice, tell her you’re going someplace on holiday, a break that you need because, well, for whatever reason.
Some people just suck the positivity out of you and bring you down to their level instead of you bringing them up to yours, which is doubtless what you intended.
Tell her to post a pic on here and we’ll help.
Probably.

yes he is, why bring gender into it?

the moderators have been at work makign my comment somewhat irrelevant…

Maybe she just wants someone to have a few drinks and go on a sausage hunt with!

Some people just aren’t prepared to help themselves. I’ve learned over the years that I have enough sh1t going on day-to-day that I’m really only prepared to “help” those that genuinely appreciate it.

EDIT: A few years ago I slipped into a relationship on the back of a phone call made to me late one night by a very fit woman who did some work for me a couple of years prior. Hubby had turned into an ar5e and she wanted company. Had a lot of fun but it got way too weird for me and it finished.

wwaswas – Member
Errrm, chaps.
Isn’t Karinofnine a woman?

Whatevs, i ain’t no homophobe

I doubt she wants casual sex with me – we’re both women! 🙂

I didn’t keep in touch with her, she kept in touch with me. We’ve absolutely nothing in common, other than we owned dogs (at the time, she no longer has a dog) and we were staying at the same caravan site. She can be very kind, but the negativity just drags me down.

I’m going to stick to my decision, even though I feel bad. I’m one of those people who try to help everyone… animals, birds, insects, people – everything. I’m learning to curb my altruistic tendencies but I can’t help it, I just rush in to try to save everything 🙄 and then end up broke, tired and stressed… 🙄 😆

Easy; “Just because I have t**s, it doesn’t mean I’m your bitch so DO ONE”

More seriously; is she your friend? This is what friends do. Maybe she doesn’t have any others.

I think me and legend have just been moderated 😉

Ignore and let that be a lesson to you – don’t make friends with people you might meet on holiday. If you do, tell them your name is hora and you’ll find me at http://www.singletrackworld.com.

Friendships should be of mutual benefit, life’s too short to fill it with people who just make you feel worse.

+1

Wondering at what point your friend will ask if she can borrow some money from you too.

She has a daughter, grand daughter, brother, friends, old school friends – a whole network.

I am rabidly independent – I have my dogs (and, of course, you, Dear Singletrackworld 😉 )

Now I’ve shared with the whole world what a mean and nasty selfish woman I am I must go out… thanks for your comments everyone! xx

She has a daughter, grand daughter, brother, friends, old school friends – a whole network.

In that case, my first sentence stands firm.

DaveyBoyWonder – Member
I think me and legend have just been moderated
POSTED 8 MINUTES AGO # REPORT-POST

The email confirms it, all I did was suggest helping with DIY 😉

I am rabidly independent – I have my dogs (and, of course, you, Dear Singletrackworld )

If you do need advice, the dogs would be a great place to start.

Come here as a last option if that doesn’t work 😉

She sounds needy!

Without sounding unkind, unless you need a project then I suggest you make your excuses and run for the hills.

PS: As said above, see what being friendly and chatting to people gets you.

PPS: Remember, no good dead goes unpunished, this is proof 😆

Sounds like you’ve done enough to me.

wwaswas – Member
Be honest.

“I understand times are tough for you and I’ve tried to help with practical advice but I can’t help you cope with the emotional side of things at the moment. I hope you understand it’s not because I don’t care but I have to deal with things in my own life, too”

or similar?

Seems the sensible thing to do.

DaveyBoyWonder – Member
Ignore and let that be a lesson to you – don’t make friends with people you might meet on holiday. If you do, tell them your name is hora and you’ll find me at http://www.singletrackworld.com.

😀

That’s just become my default plan.

She needs someone, and that’s a shame, and if you can help then that’s lovely of you. But ultimately it’s Not Your Problem and I’d feel no guilt in putting your own problems before those of someone you met on holiday once.

Friendships should be of mutual benefit, life’s too short to fill it with people who just make you feel worse.

that basically if they are just one of lives moaners and not a proper friend going througha rough time just ignore

it is harsh but you cannot help those who dont help themselves and given your limited involvement in each others lives i cannot see that you should have much responsibility for her issues tbh.
FFS even when you try she does nothing so i suspect you are just someone to moan at.
Ignore and never reply if you dont want to confront or say you are busy or something else.
you may need to be very blunt and or rude though- pretty sure STW can help with that bit 😉

It’s worryingly easy to pick up people who you later realise you don’t like. They can be hard to shake and if she is needy there is the guilt aspect. Your only responsibility is to be kind to everyone, not to be everyone’s friend!

Only a really decent person would be faced with this dilemma.

You don’t need her in your life. Don’t return any calls/messages. Hope she hasn’t got your address or home number

Serious post. Maybe this woman has no one in her life to tell her feelings? I know some folk tell me everything. The key is to be a good listener and not judge.

Thought girls liked a bit of gossip?? 😉

I doubt she wants casual sex with me – we’re both women!

Living in ‘Lesbian close’ I can assure that that such things do go on. I have two sets of Lesbians living next door, one set across the road and another further up the street.

Karinofnine – Member
…she no longer has a dog..

And there’s your answer. Get her a puppy…

@footflaps – at least give us your postcode!

Chorlton?

Hora, ‘a good listener’: stone the crows, almost every conversation since we met (2010) has contained the words “Eeee, I’m fed oop, that b*st*ard’s done… blah blah blah”. All about the ex, his sister, his ex-wife, the daughter’s partner, his work problems. Ye gods, I don’t know these people, I will never meet them and I have no interest in their lives.

I rarely do “he said/she said” conversations, preferring mostly to talk about bikes, cars, the news, dogs, funny things etc. If I haven’t got anything to say I STFU. I’m not interested in bags or shoes (unless they are for cycling).

I also do not do asking for help – I think I would actually choke to death if I tried to say the words – not sure why I posted here really, probably because the inevitable piss-taking would take the sting out of the situation, which it has.

Anyway, I’ve decided I will continue to be the Helpdesk, even though it’s very wearing, because I’ve engineered my life so it is very nice (mostly) and I feel I should help others if I can. BUT she is not coming to stay, I’ll have to wo(man) up and say that I haven’t been well recently (which is true) and sorry but can’t cope with a guest.

It sounds like you’ve been very generous with your time and sympathy with this woman, and reading between the lines, sounds like you really need your 12 days leave for “me” time. Can you find out whether she really needs your help and has no one else, and whether you have to meet up with her in order to help this time?
You could say you have half a day off, meet her for an afternoon on your 1st day off, help her and then go off and enjoy 11 days leave, maybe?

She lives in Leeds and I live in Herts, so if she came down it would be an overnight stay (NOOOOO!).

She’s had 12 years of micro-managing her ex, they fought like cat and dog. That takes a lot of energy and now he’s gone there’s a great big hole. I get that and I sympathise. I can help with legal guidance, demystify forms etc, where to get advice. The other stuff, well, you just have to sit down quietly, face it, come to terms with it, and deal with it. No-one else can do that for you.

Aaargghhh! While I was out with the dogs someone I helped in May came up to me and said he was going to pop round for a visit. Help! I said I was going out – note to self: STOP HELPING PEOPLE. 😆 😆