Daftest / most surprising thing a driver has said to you?

Death.
Slow painful death.

Used to drop off daughter at nursery in a Burely trailer. Parked up collecting daughter to come out and see car reversing into (empty) trailer. Once she had realised what she’d hit, and I suggested what might the outcome have been had said child been in trailer, she was so mortified I imagine she had to hit the bottle that night!

Yep, been there:

‘Ya four eyed ****!’ Plus loads more….

From the driver of an estate vehicle on the Moresdale Road above Reeth while me, my son & my mate were stationary. He’d started off by telling us to ‘get off the road’ & didn’t seem happy when I reminded him that we were legally entitled to use it & went on to ask me If i knew who maintained it (my response should’ve been, ‘well if you don’t how do you expect me to’ or, your boss I expect’) but while his continuing tirade of abuse carried on I just smiled, noted the reg number of the vehicle & reported him to the police when I got home, they were pretty good & made sure he got a rollocking & that his boss knew why.

Just had one now!
Riding him along a back street of terraced houses, no gardens etc & cars parked on both sides of the street.
I’m in the centre of the lane as there are speed humps to slow traffic. Car behind, I swerve to the left to avoid a pothole & Mr knobby in his Q7 pushes past, that close his wing mirror touched me.
He pulled in further down the street & was talking to some chavvy looking type when I got there.
I demanded to know if he had a license for that effing thing (round here you never know) and the chavvy type got upset. Told him I was talking to the xxxx in the Audi, & if the Audi driver was going to apologise or wanted to get out (ok, I was loud at this point) when the passenger leaned over and said he was very sorry, to which the driver rapidly agreed, saying he was very sorry too.
Fair took the wind out of my sails it did, gave them a little (calm) lecture about getting too close and they both apologised again!

Riding him along a back street of terraced houses,

. 😯
What you get up to in your spare time is no concern of ours, but please keep it to yourself.

The correct answer is of course, “You wouldn’t have treated me like that if I’d been in my car”

That would have been better than the stunned silence as I tried to imagine myself pulling a bunch overtake through solid traffic up to a mini-roundabout.

I’d probably have had to use the pavement.

Remembered another one.
Woman in a txxt-panzer forced an overtake through a traffic island then pulled in at the shops 50yrds ahead.
I stopped to demand what she thought she was thinking of pulling such a manoeuvre, especially as it was illegal.
She replied.. “how am I supposed to know that?” 😯

Riding up Wynetts pass when it was like an ice canyon , Mr Farmer man tried coming past me and clipped my bars ,when I got up and ask

“Cant you see me riding ?

His reply gobsmacked me ,it must be a Derbyshire thing

“You couldn’t ride a 3 week old greased up steak up a dead dogs arse “?

What the actual **** ?

My retort was less than articulate when he ended up in an icey puddle with a fat lip bloody nose and his wife looking on in agreement at the way I had handled my mouthy aggressor and said sorry for his actions 😉

Standing by the side of the road with my brother looking at the map deciding where we had gone wrong, car pulled up and chap climbed out. Asked us if we needed directions. Thank you very much. He helped out and then with a cheery toot toot drove off. Sorry to say it was in France. They love their cyclists there.

I’d just come out of a friends house and was loading my two sons into the trailer where I’d parked against the railings on a double width pavement..

I encountered a woman who I can only assume had a genuine split personality..

As is often the the case when people see me out and about with the trailer, she approached with friendly eyes and a broad grin to tell me what a great idea she thought the trailer was..
So far so good.. She then asked if I had kids in there (she’d just watched me putting them in)

Yes look, say hi kids ‘hi’ ‘hewo’ aaaaaaaaaah cute.

I started to push the bike across the pavement towards the kerb and that’s when she switched..

‘You shouldn’t be using that thing on the bloody pavement you know’

‘errrr…. I’m just heading to the kerb over there, I’ve come from that house’ I said, pointing

She then switched back to sweetness and light

‘Oh you ride it on the road, well that’s ok… is it safe’?

Yeah I think so, drivers are usually very friendly and courteous

‘well it’s effing illegal you know that don’t you’?

me (still cheerful and helpful) errr, no, no it’s perfectly legal.. I use it every day

‘it’s bloody illegal’

sorry madame?

her (screetching) ‘it’s **** illegal and you know it’

ok lady I’m going

I live literally next door to a police station and they’ve observed me using the trailer day in and day out for years, unfortunately in my mildy bamboozled state I didn’t manage to make this point to the frothing loony

“But I wouldn’t do *anything* dangerous, I have a baby in the car” – immediately after cutting me up, missing my bars by an inch or so, to get to a red light less than ten metres ahead.

I locked up a polish drink driver, and his reply after caution, which was read out in court was………

Vodka is my friend

Not bike related (but Waitrose related so still relevant to STW) Walking to the supermarket from my car down the main route through the car park with a give way to my left. Almost across the give way and old guy in a smart car enters the car park and instead of stopping at the give way nearly takes my toes off squeezing between me and the corner.

Further down the car park the same old codger comes flying round a corner backwards heading straight for me forcing me to jump out of the way. Obviously I shout “watch where you are *bleeping* going” as this was the second time the guy nearly hit me.

He then followed me slowly down to the end of the car park so I stopped and he wound down his window and gingerly said “well there was no need to swear”

I wonder how many cars he as reversed into or people he has nearly knocked over in his oblivious driving state.

I had a lad hop a beer bottle off my head once from the passenger window. I wasn’t anywhere near the car as there was a wide enough shoulder to avoid having to deal with cars. Best I ever got was in London, just passed Streatham Hill, as a tinted out SUV blaring gangster rap rolls down the window and out comes the line “**** da police! Cycle on the footpath.” I just cracked up laughing.

Nasty junction in Cardiff where you join a road at a very acute angle requiring you to look almost behind you to check for cars when turning left.

Car in front of me went, so I cycled up to the line looking behind me. I went to go, cos the road was clear, when I looked ahead again I discovered that the car had stopped in the road to let a woman with a bike cross the road. I should have stopped and double checked it was clear (lesson learned) but I had to emergency stop and I did a mild hand out wtf gesture. The guy took exception and we had a short discussion. He said that I shouldn’t be cross because he’d stopped to help out ‘one of you’. He genuinely thought that all cyclists were somehow linked, and that I should be grateful for a good deed done to some complete stranger who happened to be on a bike.

Odd point of view.

After yet another F. Off from a not very nice lady driver who pulled out on me, I rolled up alongside her at the next major junction and opened her passenger door. I explained about her potty mouth and rode off leaving her stranded with the door wide open as the lights went to green.
I smiled all the way home that evening. 🙂

riding down a small village road, with a load of parked cars on the left, i was overtaken by a red transit that mounted the kerb to get past me.
i did the international sign language for “put your seatbelt on”
VD – “Oi, you, what did you say”
Me – “I signalled that you *liked playing with yourself* for mounting the pavement to pass me”
VD – “I will find out where you live you ****”
Me – “This is my house right here actually, its why i was slowing down. Prick. Feel free to pop round when you are ready”

It’s usually unintelligible. There’s something about the level of intelligence of someone who drives like a dick which means they either can’t talk English properly, or they don’t realise that shouting through an open car window when travelling at 30+mph isn’t going to be heard by a guy on a bike riding at 15mph 🙂
tbh, you’re best leaving them to it – Dunning Kruger effect and all that!

on the way home a few months ago i was at the lights in the ASL box and the car behind me had indicated to turn left. i was going straight ahead. as soon as the lights went green the car shot forward and tried to go around me. i managed to swerve away from the car as it carried on but left a nice dent in the rear wing with my shoe.
when i first started commuting on the bike i remember a black cab trying to do the punishment pass on me in some slow moving traffic. i was in the cycle lane gong past him then he caught up with me a few minutes later and then decided as he went past me to swerve into the cycle lane, while i was still alongside him. worst thing was that he was looking at me while doing this. he had to stop soon as the traffic in front of him had stopped. i banged on his passenger window and gave him some colourful language, while he just stared at me blankly. i left the side of his cab with a nice deep scratch from my alloy bar plugs.
i’ve been lucky that they are the only two incidents, but the oddest encounter happened over winter as i was riding into work. i had my lights on as it was still dark, when a passenger in a car wound down his window and told me that every time i switch on my light a kitten dies…so i switched on the helmet light and smiled at him and carried on. the car caught up with me a few hundred meters down the road and the same passenger called me a big meanie…so i told him to go home and take his meds

I don’t seem to get too much verbal abuse, and when I do I can’t make out the words most of the time. Other than one slightly heated exchange where someone took the trouble to tell me that I should have been indicating when I was trying to negotiate a junction on a steepish descent where I needed my hands to brake. Pointing out that I’d looked and used road positioning to indicate my intentions, and as it was a t-junction on a fairly narrow road she’d need to wait behind me whichever way I was going didn’t seem to help.

The most idiotic conversation was with someone at work. She knows I cycle in and was commenting that she wished she was brave enough because it was quicker than driving.

“But there’s not enough room on the roads really. I always worry when I overtake cyclists because I have to go quite close to them.”

“So why are you overtaking them then if there isn’t enough room to do it safely?”

“They’ll make me late”

“But you just said that they’re faster overall. Chances are they’re only delaying your arrival at the next queue of traffic rather than actually making you significantly later…”

I got some generalist abuse from a woman this morning as she got out of her car – I didn’t recognise the car from my adventures so I assume it wasn’t personal, so went with the standard response:

“Why are you in such a hurry – are you worried they will run out of sausages in the canteen – you should do some cycling yourself lady would do you good, you fat cow”.

There are some weird people out there.

One spring morning riding to meet up with the club, I’m wearing a brightly coloured club jersey and gillet teamed with black shorts, black arm warmers, black leg warmers and black full fingered gloves. Just as a car is passing the passenger shouts “****”. I’m one of those people who’s natural colour is blue and needs a few weeks of sun just to turn white.

Standing by the side of road with a few club members waiting for someone to fix a puncture. Car goes past and the driver shouts “get a proper hobby”, which I still find funny.

Traffic lights change to green, going straight ahead the fellow opposite decides to make a right turn THROUGH me the split second before we pass. Screeching brakes, I wind down window make the WTF shrug – he says, defensively – ‘well it was green for me too!!!’.

Not one of mine but was there when it happened.

Was out with a few mates while visiting them at uni, riding to the local trails and a guy in a MX6 (this was 2001) cuts us all up squeezing through a narrow width restriction then stopped at some traffic lights that has a left filter light but no left lane, we’re turning left. One of our group (we’ll call him John) has a go at the driver who just shrugs and moves his car in front of us. John yells at the driver “how are we meant to get past you now!”. The driver looks at the bikes (all MTB’s, John on a F/S) and says “With those you should find a way through.”
John lost it, rode round the car to the front and proceeded to ride OVER the bonnet, the roof and down the rear window, even managing to do a little bunnyhop on the roof!
Thankfully the lights changed and we made our escape, leaving the driver to inspect the new dents in his car 😆

John lost it, rode round the car to the front and proceeded to ride OVER the bonnet, the roof and down the rear window, even managing to do a little bunnyhop on the roof!

Photos or it didn’t happen

Yeah right, it happened just like that… 😀

This happenned to me while I was in my car. Looking for a car park space I spotted one and got ready to reverse into it. Another driver swerved past me and nabbed my spot. Then they looked straight at me and flicked the Vees. Now despite my wife and kids in the car I went pretty apeshit at this as I imagine a lot of people would. I went over to their window and as they wound it down I prepared to vent my anger some more.
“I was indicating there are 2 places”. true enough there was another spot next to it.

Only one I had that made me laugh was in fact on the mountain bike.

There’s a short section where the walking path crosses the mtb trail (or other way round whatever) at Llandegla, (up by the lake)

Little old lady and her pooch were on said trail once, as i had to slow down to avoid running over poor Toto that was causing mayhem off the lead (this was at the end of a long uphill for me, so i was probably painfully slow anyway) she shouts in my face “This is a walking trail you know!, not for you ruddy bikes!!”

Sorry love.. what?, you clearly missed the signs then did you.

In fairness i’d of probably understood if it was a particularly fast section, but its really not.

after veering into a cycle lane and nearly killing me, a tipper truck driver who was on the phone threatened me with violence and his reason for driving and using a phone? “my uncle has just died”

no apology was offered or reasoning as to why it was o.k. to potentially have 2 deaths in a day instead of just the one.

“This is a walking trail you know!, not for you ruddy bikes!!”

I’ve had similar:

“Oi, get off the *ing pavement. You’re not allowed to ride here.”

I pointed at the Shared Use sign he was stood under and at the big painted bike symbol that he was stood directly on top of, then cycled away as he spluttered. 😀

I spoke to someone walking UP the final descent at Cwmcarn a while ago, with a dog. That’s the very fast bombing straight down the mountainside with loads of whoopy jumps and swoopy bends in it.. I strongly advised him not to continue for his own safety…

I got beautifully road-raged once. Got a puncture as I entered a quiet little village, so I stopped to fix it in the middle of a grassy patch in between two roads that fork. One of the roads slopes down steeply towards some houses (this is important).
A woman comes out of one of the houses below me, and starts to drive up the road, waving her arms about. As she draws level with me, she slows, opens the window and leans towards me across the passenger seat, shouting something about “…standing in the middle of the road like an effing idiot”.
I was well off the road. I couldn’t imagine what I’d done to upset this woman. She was purple and frothing. I was bewildered.
And then she stalled the car. At the top of the steep road. All her attention was on me, and she hadn’t covered her brakes.
You know that expression Wil-E-Coyote gets when he realises he’s just run off the edge of a cliff?

When I was around 12-13, riding along a main road out of Maidstone, I noticed the traffic building up behind me, so nipped onto the pavement.

I’d been on there, maybe, 20 seconds when the local bobby pulled up on to the path and told me off for riding on the pavement.

He seemed to be lost to the irony that he had driven 20ft or so with 2 wheels on the path, to tell me off about riding on the path.

Part of my cycle home is on a cycle route which goes up an access only road behind a load of houses. Lots of idiots drive through it because it saves them having to turn their car round a couple of corners if they took the actual road. This evening, on said stretch, having had to slow down to let me past, a lad just leant out of his car and said, with no sense of irony, “You should be on the cycle path mate”.

Erm…

During a commute, through London a white van pullled up alongside me at traffic lights, passenger leaned outt of window and said.

“oi mate, is that a mountain bike?”

I nodded politely.

“Are you lost then? This is the A206, not Everest, you dozy c**t”

Him, the other passenger and the driver roared with laughter and at the next set of lights the Oscar Wilde of the building industry shouted something jubilantly along the lines of ” I mugged you off good and proper geeza”

You should have responded something about being on your way to ride his mother with a “yo mama’s so fat..” line.

molgrips
I spoke to someone walking UP the final descent at Cwmcarn a while ago, with a dog. That’s the very fast bombing straight down the mountainside with loads of whoopy jumps and swoopy bends in it.. I strongly advised him not to continue for his own safety…

I gave up telling them this years ago, they never listen. Seen one or two wandering up the DH track too 😯

“I thought you’d move”

After I tapped on the window of an SUV that was trying to get into the space I was in waiting for the lights to change. I had no-where to go! Railings on the right, cars front and back and the dozy late lane changing **** in the fauxbefour pretending I wasn’t there!

Although it’s wrong and illegal I just ride my bike on the pavement if there are no bike paths. I’m far more confident in my own abilities to miss pedestrians and stop when needed than I am in a random driver’s abilities for not hitting me.

My grandad was a roadie and was hit by a car breaking nearly every bone in his body and face and permanently blinding him Back in the 80’s. Not worth the risk for me.

A friend of mine was riding a sportive when a car past him going up the hill and shouted “come on fatso!”. The friend was raging for quite a while and it wasn’t until he got back and someone pointed out that he was wearing Liquigas kit that the driver probably shouted “Come on Basso!” 😀