Not a driver but another cyclist. Whilst waiting at a set of lights in Central Bristol, another rider pulls up and asks why I’ve got one trouser leg rolled up? I reply that it’s to stop my trousers getting caught in the chain and getting dirty. His response “ah, I thought it was a Jamaican thing.” I’m as pale as fresh snow.

My favourite driver one was a guy who beeped incessantly and tried to overtake me on the wrong side of the road, blind corner on a major arterial route in rush hour before cutting back in on me. His response when I had a word with him “I was trying to keep you safe”, said while gripping his steering wheel lock ready to swing at me.

Riding 200m of cheeky track out of the local woods to a road.

Woman in 4×4 stops and shouts through the window…

“Did you know that land is private?”

Me – “Yes”

“Well why did you ride it?”

“Beacuse I ride where I damn well please without thought for anyone except myself”

“Well its not allowed”

“Better call the police then”

“Right then I will”

“Go on then, start dialling”

Pause ….. “you wouldn’t like it if I rode in your garden”

“I live in a flat” (a lie, but it suited the occasion)

I then looked at the terrified looking teenage girl in the passenger seat and said “is that your mother? You poor kid”

Cue lots of swearing and as it was Jan 1st, simply said “Happy New Year” as she started driving off”

Got the “**** off” not surprisingly.

I’m as pale as fresh snow.

My wife (5’9 / white / long blonde hair / female / GSOH) was bike commuting through Edinburgh once and someone shouted at her: “Who the f do you think you are? Linford f’ing Christie?”

Down a hill, stop at lights at bottom, car draws alongside, window goes down, here we go,

“You hit 60 down there, nice one!”

I had a similar chat with a bloke at a railway junction who’d said he’d been surprised how fast I’d gone down the hill and that he’d only been able to overtake me when I’d slowed for the speed limit when we entered town. Quite why he didn’t slow down for the speed limit he didn’t want to say but given he was a middle aged bloke in a convertible merc with a ponytail and leather trousers, I’d imagine it’s because society’s rules don’t apply to him, or at least the rules of good taste.

I was stopped at a roundabout, passenger in a car coming round the roundabout leans right out the window and shouts “Got Your Number 118”

I don’t have a moustache and wasn’t wearing a vest, but must admit it was pretty funny

I have had somebody roll down the window and yell “this is not the bloody tour de france you know”

It made me chuckle because it is quite clear from looking at me that I wont be taking part in the TDF any time soon, that and the fact that I was in Hampshire and not France 😉

you never know do you?

Friend of mine cycling through the town centre reacted angrily to a car that had been following him for a few hundred metres beeping at him. He was extremely embarassed when the passenger handed my friend his windproof, which had fallen out of his jersey pocket at the last traffic lights. 😆

A crufty looking car stopped at a junction waiting for some lights. The driver wound down the window and tossed out a cigarette butt.

Me: did you know you’ve dropped a cigarette butt?
Her: yeah, I’ve finished with it.
Me: that’s littering, shall I give it back to you?
Her: No thanks (winds up window)

At this point the lights were still red but I was slightly amazed she hadn’t run me down, but whatever, I picked up the butt, and dropped it into the gap in her car between the windscreen and the bonnet.

Queue a torrent of verbal abuse, mainly calling me a c**t a lot.
I cycled off, calling her a litter lout (the best insult I could come up with at the time).

My favourite was last summer, when I was stopped at the lights at Trafalgar Square. A BMW M something pulls up next to me and the large black guy driving winds down his window.

“Too many people in this city don’t know how to relax, mate. I’m off home to sit in my garden and enjoy a nice cold beer, I hope you do the same.”

I waved to him and gave him a huge thumbs up. He made my evening.

Car load of chavs overtakes me on a slight incline up to a roundabout. The rear passenger winds down his window and shouts a load of incomprehensible bollocks as they go past. 100 yards further on they have to stop for the line of traffic and I tootle up alongside and ask the passenger (spotty 17 yr old) what he’d said. The front seat passenger then says “Ha, ha, he said your front wheel’s going round, ha, ha, ha!”
I looked him in the eye and said “I wasn’t asking you you pointless fat ****, I was asking our hero in the back.” to which they both very rapidly wound up their windows, desperately avoiding eye contact. 😀

I’ve had a few..
Lorry clipped my arm and then stopped at the traffic light a few yards up the road, I jumped up on his cab and his response was “I saw you in the layby”. There was no layby, I was passing a junction!

Another good one when I caught an old fella who’d just left hooked me at the bottom of a long downhill road “I didn’t realise you were going so fast”.. Jeez!

Most surprising thing though is… “Sorry”. That’s a real shocker and very disarming.

After I explained that what I’d done was quite legal and safe, he responded by shouting: “You wouldn’t do that in your car though, would you?”

I was completely lost for words. I mean, he was right but…

The correct answer is of course, “You wouldn’t have treated me like that if I’d been in my car”

I think someone has already said this but the most surprising thing anyone has ever said to me from a car when I’ve been on my bike is “Sorry”.

Drivers like to go on about the self-righteousness of cyclists but there is something about driving a car that gives so many people such an over whelming right of entitlement that it threatens to make their arse explode.

Oh I’d forgotten about the fairly young lads in a car on the uphill section heading into Castlethorpe from Haverhsam who pulled alongside me as I’m grunting up the hill and shouted “F*** her right in the pussy”.

‘yer wheels are going round’
The correct response to this is ‘so’s your mum’ however oxygen debt slows the wit.

Many years ago I was riding along the A20 in Bearsted – 30 limit, shops coming up on left.

Woman in a Volvo pulls out of minor road on right. I slam on the brakes and pull into the gutter to avoid being hit. She then turns hard left in front of me to park diagonally in front of the shops. I’ve got no where to go so execute an emergency stop by placing my foot in her passenger door.

When I get up and find that I’m not injured I ask her for her details. She ignores me and drives off.

Police called (I had a witness, old bloke at the bus stop). When the police interviewed her, her explanation for leaving the scene, failing to provide details etc was that she was scared. She was scared? Try having 2 tonnes of Volvo aimed at you twice in 30 seconds!

Police took no action as I was uninjured and my bike have no damage. Hopefully she enjoyed explaining to her neighbours why the police were parked outside her house for an hour.

The correct response to this is ‘so’s your mum’

I prefer “so was your real dad”

If I get sworn at Ive given up on responding like for like or trying to be whitty and just go full on nuclear apeshit at their passenger window. Anything less and it feels like they ‘win’ when they close the window/drive off.

Car narrowly missed me as it overtook. I was heading into town so was able to follow him and catch up to him in the supermarket carpark

Me: How much room do you think you left me back there

Him: Well there wan’t any room with that van coming the other way so had to squeeze past

Me: How about braking and waiting a second so there would be room-moron!

Him: Hmm guess you have a point

Sometimes you just wonder !!!

Similar to the above this woman overtook me just before a 90deg bend in the road. Overtook, braked and went round the bend at about half the speed I could have.. I caught her at the next junction and discussed the matter.

Her: What was I supposed to do?”
Me: “Well, you could have waited behind me until I’d cleared the bend”
Her: “So could you”!

Neither her nor her passenger could get it. I rode off shaking my head at a pointless attempt to converse with someone who had left logic behind the moment they stuck the keys in the ignition.

Irate driver: F** * **** ***ing **** etc

Me: [Gesturing to passenger seat] Is that your wife/husband? No wonder you’re angry.

In my experience it’s never worth trying to explain to drivers what they’ve just done wrong, so I just try and be as offensive as possible in the short window I have before they drive off.

so I just try and be as offensive as possible in the short window I have before they drive off.

Proper LOL there, chapeau!

Some big 55 year old posh ex rugby type stalked over to me in a car park, fists clenched, red in the face, getting up in my face. Ended up with me doing my best drill sergeant impression in his ears to get him to back down and leave my personal space.

A big family parked up next to us as it was kicking off, the parents looked utterly mortified whilst their young lad was laughing his head off.

I was once told after being overtaken and then carved up that I should give way to cars approaching me from behind. I didn’t really know how to respond to that with words, so I opted to put a nice cleat mark on his rear wing.

Me: How much room do you think you left me back there

Him: Well there wan’t any room with that van coming the other way so had to squeeze past

Me: How about braking and waiting a second so there would be room-moron!

Him: Hmm guess you have a point

Same; taking primary position coming up to a crossing island, I get the full on lights and horn from behind. The van then overtakes and pulls in front and stops.

Him: If you’d kept tight left I could have squeezed through there.

Me: I don’t want you to squeeze past in 2 tonnes of metal at 40 mph

Him: I’ll run into the back of you next time then.

Genuinely cannot argue with idiots, they drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

On a dark, very wet training ride someone pulled out on me, they stopped, then speed off. I met them a little later at a set of traffic lights. They wound the passenger window down, a waft of class B(?) caught my nose and the guy couldn’t stop apologising. Offered me a ride home because it was dark and wet and drivers can’t be trusted :))

An guy gave me the 5 knuckle shuffle signal to which I replied it was a nice offer but I wasn’t that way inclined. he thought about what I said then burst out laughing which was a relief as he looked as mean as eff.

Had a telling off about riding two abreast by a police officer, he wouldn’t listen to us at all. Even threatened to give me points on my driving licence if I didn’t shut up – is that possible?

Bit of (polite) verbals with a woman who had pulled out on me at a mini roundabout. She had her youngish daughter in the passenger seat. No swearing but she couldn’t see she could have caused an accident, I was “riding too fast”, and “cyclists don’t have right of way” etc. I turned to her daughter and asked if her grandma was always this dull witted. Her face was a picture and her language soon changed to quite blue.

I like to think that drivers who’ve been educated by cyclists after an incursion might make better decisions and be more observant in the future. At least some of them.

Jamaican mini-cab driver in Hackney, after me protesting about nearly being run over by him on a zebra crossing
I’m going to go home and get my gun and come back and shoot you dead
Er, OK, I’ll just wait here shall I? Try not to be too long.

“you were in the way”

not riding but as a lower than lower ped’ waiting to cross a busy road – stood in front of a parked car – the driver walked up and got in the car, started it and rolled forward to “nudge me” just below the knee

I had a “lady driver” attempt to hook my over the kerb a couple of years ago when I was cycling into work. When I caught up with her at the next set of traffic lights I asked her why she’d done that. Apparently it was because I wasn’t cycling in the cycle lane. there isn’t one. apparently the two yellow lines next to the kerb are what cyclists are supposed to use…
When I told her that I was videoing it and she’d be able to see herself on YouTube shoe went absolutely mental about her human rights, it was quite funny, in a sort of sad kind of way.

so I just try and be as offensive as possible in the short window I have before they drive off.

Yep some times its the only recourse

My commute to work has a street with traffic calming chicanes – one direction of traffic at a time but with no prescribed priority.

The street is short climb and I’m travelling uphill on my way to work.

Nice drivers let me through at the chicane even if they reach it slightly before me. Less considerate drivers don’t bother. This is not really a big deal as the curbs that make up the chicane are pretty low so i just ride over them.

This however caused some consternation for a “bubbly” woman in a Ford Focus she mouthed “**** off” and shook her head as I nipped over the chicane.

So I shouted “Stop shaking your head at me your double chin is wobbling”

The shade of crimson she turned as I pedalled away really was something!

I got cut up last night, classic case of impatient driver wanting to pass but Parkes cars make it impossible, first chance he gets he’s past & meets traffic coming the other way swinging over forcing me onto the pavement. I was about to have a discussion via his passenger window then noticed the frail old lady passenger looking terrified at me. I decided it wasn’t worth upsetting her more and just shook my head & left him to reverse to clear the road. Hopefully it was his mum & she gave him an ear bashing

Lorry driver after pulling in to soon during an overtake. “i had to pull in, the bollard was in the way”.

Me, “so the bollard out ranks me in your list of priorities?”

Him…silence.

Had “least i have a license” to which I replied, least mine didn’t come from a cereal box!

But normally people over take just before a parked car and then cut you up, so then up on the path and down again and they have to do it all over again.

Had someone cut me up after we had a exchange of words about not using the cycle lane/path with me being on the road. Called them a c*ck to which they then cut me up, got to work (working for the Police at the time) who I told traffic about what had happened and the car etc and they said they would keep an eye out.

Me: Turning into a one way street.
Me to woman in car: Your driving the wrong way, its a one way street
Her: I know
Me: Oh well that’s alright then…. rode off shaking my head.

I got taken out at a roundabout by a lady who didn’t see me going round it.
She did stop further on, so we exchanged hellos. I asked her for her details, insurance co & so on so I could report and claim.

Her “Sorry, I don’t give out details to strangers’
Me: “So you only knock people you know off their bike?”
Her “Don’t get cheeky”

was able to laugh about it once the scars healed…

sorry? said to me? like chatted? like meaningful words?

no, I dont understand the question.. I’ve seen lots of nice hand signals and a fair few have decided to introduce me to the metal on their cars, a few have even tried to shake my hand with a fist but words? nah, none, lots of noise but honestly dont recall any banter, must be doing something wrong.

After pulling out from a junction in front of me a no necked thug stopped and threatened

“I’ll take that fu@$ing bike off you”

stating

“this is a fu@$ing car road this is!”

Needless to say I still have the bike.

Warm morning a nice lady in the passenger seat of a car decided to spray her breakfast McDonalds coke over me as they went past. Sadly mistiming the lights when i caught them up I emptied a completely full, completely sticky as all buggery bottle of sports drink all over her in the open window. Those wide mouth lids are really excellent when you take them off.
She didn’t seem all that happy about it but by goodness it made my day.

On politely pointing out some chap was a little too close for comfort… “Well I didnt hit you did I!”

His mirror actually went under my arm ffs.

I’m not sorry to admit that I lost my sh1t.

Years ago as a yoof on my last couple of miles of a sub hour 25, I got overtaken by a driver who then immediately braked and pulled into the kerb/ shops. Inevitably, I ended up in his back window and then on the floor. Broken nose, broken collarbone plus snot and blood.

He picked my bike up as I rolled around and said; ‘this is a nice bike isn’t it, do you do a lot of cycling?’…

Bastard wasn’t taxed, insured or MOT’d luckily I worked for the DoT in enforcement at the time and was able to follow that up….

“Oi! Priority to the right, mate” on a mini roundabout, as the twunt in a white van cut across me from the left, after I had started to proceed (in a car).

My reply was something like “You need to learn your left and right then… Left hand is the one you change gears with, right is the one you have a wnak with!”.