Advice required: evil father messing with son and court order

Very long story cut very short. A friend of ours has a son (aged 8-9), the father of whom is a nasty manipulative piece of scum who lives a couple of villages away. They have a court order that permits him having the boy something like every other weekend. The trouble is that this bloke constantly messes with the boundaries of the order and is properly deranged. Heres the type of stuff he does:

– calls the boy’s school and says stuff like “There’s been a family bereavement” or “He’s not well etc” so he can get him the day off and end up taking him places that he (the father, not the boy) wants to go. The school do nothing and don’t even notify the mother so she doesn’t even find out until her son finally decides to tell her.
– tells him he has things wrong with him physically and psychologically
– attends the boy’s eye test and interferes so much that the optom had to call in a consultant who subsequently agreed to make a statement against him
– messes around with his schooling and homework
– feeds him all sorts of lies and mind games so he ends up manipulating his mother (and new husband)
– drives like a maniac with the boy in the car (he even does this on school grounds)
– sleeps with him on overnighters (only recently found out about and the concern now is that there may be physical abuse)
– loads of other stuff

Here’s the latest one: the father was supposed to hand the boy over to his mother (and husband) yesterday evening so they could go away for the week. But he refused to. Instead, he turned the boy into a hostage and made him say really weird things in the garden to her while filming it all! The mother called the police but they won’t get involved – and she and her friend also had no luck with any child support numbers. Apparently she’s round there now (husband not allowed to accompany her) trying to ‘free’ him but isn’t getting anywhere. Naturally she’s in bits.

This has gone on too long. She’s in a mess as is her son. The only person getting anything out of this is the father (who doesn’t work due an accident – and subsequently spends his time making up more and more twisted scenarios). She’s dealt with Cafcass in the past and has a solicitor but nothing’s ever changed. The school are useless and do nothing. Yet the father gets to break the rules without consequence.

Are there any particular steps she should follow to get this sorted?

Any advice appreciated. Cheers.

Speak to another lawyer…I don’t think there’s any family lawyers on here…sorry, but taking anicdotal/armchair advice on here is unlikely to actually get you anywhere as it sounds like it needs legal input if the guy is taking the ****.

Totally agree with Al
Do you know any other single parents/divorcees who may be able to recomend someone with experience in similar messed up custody cases?

Agreed – not necessarily expecting accurate legal advice unless someone really does know what they’re on about. More a case of seeing if anyone (sadly) has experience of this and can advise.

I do have experience but nothing I’d share here, sorry.

Emailed you.

Cheers Shooterman. Received.

Are there any particular steps she should follow to get this sorted?

Are Social Services not able to assist?

I know SS has come up in conversations but I can’t remember to what degree.

I figured it would be a case of: document every incident when the father breaks the order > collate together > show to solicitor > discuss resolution that’s in the best interested of the kid > job done > simples. But apparently not.

What’s really sad is that the boy is only now admitting to many of these things because his conscience is somehow kicking in.

we have a relative going through something similar..

cafcass and courts are dealing with it in a very satisfactory manner..

are you sure that you have explored the cafcass route thoroughly enough..?

May not help – but if there is a court order it should stipulate when the father has access. If he breaches this then the police should get involved – after all, who else is a position to enforce it and deal with any breaches

Does the son want to see his dad?

Similar scenario to a friend of mine Girlfriend estranged husband kept manipulating their children following his wife around making up stories to family members, authorities etc, long story short it was about control so the wife turned the tables got the police involved after keeping diary of incidents and got a restraining order, the school are failing in their duty of care so need to be held to account, husband is now towing the line somewhat but only after he was charged with harassment.

Get the guy Sectioned ?? Sounds like it might help him.

3 sides to every story, the mums side, the dads side, and the truth, and as per usual in a family breakup, stories get out of hand, and others start interfering, leave it to the so called proffesionals.

Oh and its so easy to accuse a father of physical abuse, which over a period of time is manipulated to sexual abuse, and serious consequences for the dad, even when he is perfectly innocent, thats why the relevant services need to sort it out, not well meaning freinds.

Just for a minute imagine youre the dad, and the wife has stoped you seeing your kid except at certain times etc,you would loose the plot as well, a lot of blokes i meet are ina simil;ar situation and its not nice for them.

– sleeps with him on overnighters (only recently found out about and the concern now is that there may be physical abuse)

I sometimes sleep with my son who is 6 and hope to still do it occasionally when he is 9+, I don’t see how you get to call this physical abuse. This makes me think your emotionally involved as its close to your heart, and to be honest your now making stuff up to suit your take on the situation, which is just as bad as his dubious behaviour. Take a step back, keep to facts and seek proper legal advice.

Of course if you truly believe physical abuse to be an issue then the Police and Social Services should be informed and if you delay doing so then your inaction is to the detriment of the young lad.

Manys sides, many stories, one truth, one innocent child caught up in the ugliness of the adults he loves emotional termoils.

well said QWERTY.

At least a few of us are thinking of the child, who will be emotionaly drained at the end.

@project and qwerty: I understand what you’re saying so let me elaborate …

We’ve known the father for a few years and can confirm he’s a nasty, controlling, bitter and twisted individual. He does not have his son’s interests at heart – he’s only interested in himself and how he can go about controlling/manipulating others. He’s not even what I’d call a “point scorer” – he just likes to f&*k people up. IMO he’s mentally ill – but in a truly despicable way.

As for the concern regarding physical abuse, the bloke sadly has previous (thankfully not involving a minor). Not going to go into details naturally.

Trust me, if you met the guy you really wouldn’t chose to be in his company for long. In fact, you’d probably make your excuses and walk on.

He’s really messing people up here and so far nobody is able to stop it.

Urge the woman to contact social services. IMO. The description you have given is of a person with psychopathic personality and of a situation that is not healthy for the child. the police need to understand that they have a duty to intervene in what definitely sounds like a child protection issue. Maybe not physical, but certainly psychologically damaging to the child.

spacemonkey – dude, i can see where your coming from and wasn’t belittling your concerns, just highlighting the two sides to every story because the father is gonna be legally entitled to his truths as much as your side. It sounds a real meesy business and one i hope to personally never experience. It sounds like it needs sorting through the appropriate channels, and from the sound of it the sooner the better for the little guy caught up in the whirlpool of us adults agendas. I wish you well and love to the kid.

he’s a nasty, controlling, bitter and twisted individual.

I reckon my ex wife spoke about me like that. Actually I still think she does after 5 years.
I disagree completely of course.
Most of your comments are very subjective. I hold no credibility in marital disputes.
I’d keep out of it if I were you.

Unfortuantely the only way forward according to what you have written is via solicitors and the courts, police can’t do anything as no criminal offences have been brought to light, he is the kids Father and can bring him up how he sees fit, whether that is a very different way to how others see fit can be infuriating but as mentioned, document breaches in the court order. Is there a power of arrest attached to the court order? If not, police can’t do anything.

Good luck but back to solicitors and courts is the only way.

spacemonkey, i totally believe you have the care of the lad at heart, but sometimes, its best to let the state take over.

for the sake of all concerned.

Munque-chick is correct, fully document all breaches and keep the pressure on the authorities where possible.

A truly horrible situation for the child, he’ll have issues for life if this isn’t dealt with properly.

He does not have his son’s interests at heart

There is absolutely no way you can possibly know what is in this guys head or heart.

To the police on here, do the English police not have a duty to investigate concerns relating to child protection or alert incidents involving possible child protection issues to social services? If not that’s quite different to what happens in Scotland where situations where vulnerable persons, child or adult (as identified by certain specific criteria under a couple of different Acts must be reported and investigated.
The incident mentioned here “Instead, he turned the boy into a hostage and made him say really weird things in the garden to her while filming it all!” is of particular concern IMO.
I acknowledge that there are three sides to all situations (each side and the truth) but IMO the truth needs to be established in the best interests of the child.

Surely it’s a police matter if he’s in breach of a court order. She’s told them this, yes, rather than just “my son is with his dad and I don’t like it”?

If I was that worried about my sons welfare on his access visits then I would cease the contact until the next court hearing.

I would tell my solicitor why and ask them to apply for another court date and also ask for another cafcass report.

It seems like there is a bit of elaboration going on here because if the mother was genuinely that concerned about her son then she wouldnt let him go, regardless of what the court order says.

It sounds a bit more like they are still emotionally involved and angry (the mum and dad i mean) and are using the son to get at each other.

Yup. My son would go nowhere if I thought his well-being was at stake. Not a dig, just blocks to court.

Personally I’d be calling the police and reporting it as an abduction. And I’d have reported these things long long before now until someone listened.

In a similar situation but the other way round, won’t go into details here though as it is still ongoing.

One thing i do know is the police will not get involved unless there is a residency order in place. If there is one (that states the child resides with the mother) and the father will not hand the child back after the allotted time then they are legally obliged to ‘get the child back’ and the father can then be prosecuted. If not it is a messy process.

If what you are saying is currently happening, phone the NSPCC and report it. Social services are obliged to then do an investigation involving the police and any other department and it all has to be reported back to the NSPCC before copies of the report being sent out to the relevant parties. It may hold better standing than social services alone.

Good luck with it all and hope the child is safe through all of this.

Are you sure about that with the police? In scotland not only can they they have a duty to under various bits of legislation. I am sure they would rather not as its messy but they have a duty to protect vulnerable people of any age

If I was that worried about my sons welfare on his access visits then I would cease the contact until the next court hearing.

Agreed. But the mother is scared of breaking the order in case the consequences come back on her. Might be something she has to consider though.

It sounds a bit more like they are still emotionally involved and angry (the mum and dad i mean) and are using the son to get at each other.

Not a chance. Couldn’t be further from the truth.

residency order in place.

I know the boy should have been handed over by 6pm Sunday. Turns out it was yesterday afternoon that they finally got him. They’ve now gone away for a few days.

– One thing i do know is the police will not get involved unless there is a residency order in place
– social services
– NSPCC
– fully document all breaches
– Is there a power of arrest attached to the court order?

Thanks for your comments guys – well, those that are sensible anyway. This is not a nice situation, but believe me when I say we’re not interfering. We see the mother (and son/husband) pretty much every day and are good friends. But they’re at a loss as to why they (particularly the son) have to put up with this crap. Hence friends like us are seeing what options they have.

Apparently the court order was set up via a civil court as opposed to a criminal court. Allegedly that’s the reason the police will not intervene regardless – I don’t know how true that is of course.

The father has also created his own version of events by telling the mother (in an email) that her behaviour was pretty psychotic when arriving to pick him up, hence he kept hold of the boy for another 24hrs for his own safety! The bloke is a ****.

You need to look into this further – really I am getting the feeling there is far more going on than is apparent as much of the story – which I know is third had to me is not ringing true.

Certainly here the police could and would be involved and so would social services.

Trust me TJ, the bloke is a nasty piece of work. Sure, there will always be things the mother can do differently etc – but she is not the aggressor in this.