In the context of “living ones life to the full”, if it meant not holding back but telling someone actually how you felt about them – in either a positive or negative way – that might cause them to exit your life?

And if you valued that friendship to a point that keeping those thoughts within yourself to ensure that person remains part of your circle, isn’t that an internal torturous lie?

Whats’s the balance?

Not that concerned.
Always a little sad when you lose friends but then they stop being friends for a reason.
Also over time people change both you and them

I think friends should move in and out of your life. No point collecting them for the sake of it.
Things change, life moves on. What can initially bring people together doesn’t mean they should stay.

Friends? What are they?

Nah, things move on. We’ll all know someone who does things we don’t agree with. Sometimes the differences become so great it’s easier just to break the relationship.

Of course it’s also possible that trying to turn a friendly relationship into a romantic one can break things.

I’m pretty socially awkward & generally prefer my own company to that of others, so I’ve not really got that many friends.
Whilst I’m not really bothered about making new friends I would rather not lose the ones I have as they generally understand that I’m a crap friend to have due to my general lack of effort/input and still stick around.

Most of my are imaginary so they’re sticking around regardless.

Does it have to be black and white, friend or not? Theres no limit to how many you can have, but of course you’ll gain new ones as life changes, and older ones you’ll see less frequently. I don’t think I’ve ever cut someone off completely.

I’m with rimmer.

“Over the years, I’ve come to regard you as people I met”

Who needs friends when you have a bike to ride?

I lost one of the best friends I’ve ever had, someone who I spent huge amounts of time with..
Ragging on each other, piss-taking, arguments and keeping each other in line was standard
We were a dream team, for a few years everything just clicked and we brought out the best in each other and much more, but over time our individual circumstances changed and the times we spent together were losing their sparkle..

It was literally just that…

It was still a laugh to hang out but it wasn’t a good laugh any more so although we’re still there for each other if there are tough times, and we still meet up for a drink and a blether occasionally it’s just an association these days essentially..
We have other people that we’re closer to now and we’re happy enough with the situation

Coincidentally, a mutual friend from schooldays who turned into a racist, violent, drunken sexist nutbag still bangs on about us cutting him off 20 years ago saying that mates should stick together til the end 😯

If this person is doing something you disagree with so much, you’re contemplating saying something that could potentially terminate the relationship. Are you sure they’re a friend and not just an acquaintance?
I think the art of true friendship is to accept someone along with all their foibles regardless. Barring pedo’s, perve’s and murderers of course.

Is this friend the same gender as you?

If you dont want to be friends with someone anymore, you don’t need to tell them as that can cause grief you probably don’t need. Just let them drift gradually out of your life.

However it sounds like you don’t want to lose them, bit risk losing them by telling them something they may not want to hear. So that is not easy to advise on, as we don’t know what you are alluding to.

I don’t think gender is relevant

oldnpastit – Member
Is this friend the same gender as you?

This is a good point, i see where you are going. This isnt my personal circumstance (rockape)just a generic question caused by a bit of a revelation ive had in the last week, in a “embrace live, do what you have to, regret nothimg context”

So let’s assume it was that which i think you are implying; that if is told a female friend that, although i havent mentioned it before i think she a beautiful woman, someone i’d be physically attracted to; perhaps a factual statement that despite my married status she takes to think I’ve being seeing her in a different light to one she expected and she then defers from the current friend relationship – would you say it or leave it?

On the male side, telling a bloke you drank with, listened to and enjoyed what he believes to be a friendship that actually i got terribly bored and frustrated at his constant complaining and for the sake of my own life i want to enjoy a happy life, id rather he didnt use me as a sounding board for his lifes issues – so he now becomes less of a friend – an acquaintance if you like – or no friend at all?

Both scenarios are fictional, but both imply that by witholding the truth they are relationships based on a withheld emotional context. Therefore for the individual involved, is that person living a frustration through two friends he/she cannot be fully open and honest with, or is a “boundary” based friendship appropriate to pursue.

Vis a vis – regret telling the truth or continue to downplay the relationships on the basis of a comprimised honesty?

Men and women can never be friends, this is an established scientific fact.

In both cases I prefer to end the friendship rather than continue with boundaries. Depending upon circumstances I might even explain why.

I tend to keep people at arms length when I’m struggling as I hate to be a burden in any form. Daft really as if someone needed help I’d be there.

Any psychologist’s about?

can’t comment on the first fictional scenario… but on the second I’d be taking the piss out of him for moaning all the time

that’s what good friends do

yunki +1

Comme ci, comme ca.

Never overly worried if I become detached from a friend, invariably it’s because either one of us has stopped making an effort, sadly an effort is required to keep these relationships going.

I’ve ditched many, so I seem to have a personality that gathers them, but I’m a hard critic. There were a few I really enjoyed thier company, most were just plain scrounges of either time or money or distraction.

But I’ve long since stopped longing for those heady days of bellyaches and fun with friends, now all I see are random acquaintances whose company I enjoy fleetingly or for short bursts. I ride with some very passionate intellectual types, we ride, say little, enjoy company, cover miles, relish the silence and yet say far more with a single nod or half smirk. Then there’s the surf dudes I knock about with who are full of bluster and bravado, there’s more banter here but it’s limited to piss taking. There there’s the club lot.. it’s a bit cliquey.

So, no. I ain’t bovvered..

I like having friends, but as mentioned above, friendship is a two way street. You should be able to say certain things to friends without fear of losing them, but also understand they’re not perfect and have annoying traits.

The best friends are the ones you could rely on to drive 100 miles thru the night to help you out when you have a problem. Sometimes they can annoy you though.

Most of my very good friends I see only occasionally, acquaintances I see more often as they are more
local and involved in my daily life. I would generally give my view if asked even on controversial matters, I can’t think of a situation where I have offered a controversial view without being asked. I would say I have a typical blokes attitude to friends can not be in touch for many months then it just clicks back into place as soon as I see them.

Friends are like pens…when you’ve had enough throw them away…

Quote from Paulene…

The big 4-0. Soo many candles so little time.

Another of her great quotes

if it meant not holding back but telling someone actually how you felt about them – in either a positive or negative way – that might cause them to exit your life?

If they can’t take the truth, so be it. As long as the feelings you have are based on mutually beneficial things and are pertinent to your relationship and not just some kind of prejudice or intolerance, obviously…

unfitgeezer – Member
Friends are like pens…when you’ve had enough throw them away…
Quote from Paulene…

LOL

PENS , FRIENDS

best post on he thread TLOG rules

i am a island.

I’ve cut off contact with a female friend because I came to realise that her evangelical religious views (flat earth creationism, evolution is a communist plot) drove me up the wall. I was happy enough to understand that we can have different views, but when it came down to personal abuse for not agreeing with her then I decided I didn’t need religious extremists in my life.
Apparently I’m the intolerant one in this but I’d much rather not have people like that in my life.

The tide comes in, the tide goes out…

Having no friends at all is a place you don’t want to be, though.

Stay open.

In the context of “living ones life to the full”, if it meant not holding back but telling someone actually how you felt about them – in either a positive or negative way – that might cause them to exit your life?

You have friends you cannot be open with – what sort of friend is that ?
A crap one not worth having IMHO

And if you valued that friendship to a point that keeping those thoughts within yourself to ensure that person remains part of your circle, isn’t that an internal torturous lie?

Dont know is the torturous lie harder to deal with than the loss of friendship

TBH i actually cannot imagine telling a tint fib never mind a torturous one to my nearest and dearest.

In general I agree with others some friends are there for life some drift in and out and some are lost for ever

My only example is the guy I hung out with from about 13-21
he became a boorish drunk and a bit UKIP ish as that was the crowd of his ill educated drinking group

I still see him a couple of times a year but we have many areas where if he starts talking i just leave rather than debate with him.
Are we friends ?sort of but if i never see him again its not a great loss. I imagine he feels exactly the same way

IN general life is to short to have friends who are not friends

You only need 1 or 2 friends to survive life. I’ve had plenty from childhood and burnt plenty bridges lately… the irony is only female friend i have is the only friend who really knew me inside and out and vice versa , pretty as hell and dumb as a bag of nails..had been burning bridges from her but seems the bridge is made of fireproof, kevlar and adamatium steel.so just left it as it is

People change and so are you overtime but there are people that sticks through thick and thin may it be 2 way street or not.

Both scenarios are fictional, but both imply that by witholding the truth they are relationships based on a withheld emotional context. Therefore for the individual involved, is that person living a frustration through two friends he/she cannot be fully open and honest with, or is a “boundary” based friendship appropriate to pursue.

Vis a vis – regret telling the truth or continue to downplay the relationships on the basis of a comprimised honesty?

This reminds of Your Face Tomorrow by Javier Marias. It has a lot with this type of questioning between characters and determining what people are capable of, mainly in the context of spying. Can be a bit difficult going at times with long extended dialogues and recollections of things people have said covering pages and pages, but is worth it.

Pen Island?

http://www.penisland.net/

i am a island.

Is your name Norman?

Ditch em when they get fat. 😉

I think there’s probably ‘transient friends’ or friends one knows less deeply, and ‘friends for good’ where deeper things can be said. It can take a while to work out at what level you’re wanting to risk being open with people, but for the ‘friends for good’ friends, losing them through death bothers me, so I’d always comment on my fears, and have done, if you’re not a friend you don’t care you might say – though I always aim not to annoy.

Which isn’t to say transient friends can’t turn into long term friends, but it can seem like if one lets life unfold, it seems it starts to become clear who is who – that is without trying to work out in advance how things will turn out.

If something bothers the OP (username forgotten) I’d speak my thoughts.

Edit: I try and keep in mind that everybody else has the same conflicts too, and is probably having the same struggles. It can seem like not saying anything can lead to distance, and saying something changes things either for the better or worse – which is the risk of being human and vulnerability and all that jazz.

Bloody Ibiza.

‘Stay open’ is good advice. 🙂

No I don’t miss friends as I’m busy but miss the lifestyle I’ve had in many places associated with friendships, I see friends cone and go like myself moving around the globe.

It can be sad if you are close and miss the great friends.

You can always make good friends again 🙂

Great friendship is priceless but it’s not the end of the world.