When do you stop supporting your kids?

A friend of mine had his kids early in life and now they are both in their 30s with their own families but they still come to him with the begging bowl when they need financial help (car service, new car, home improvements, hols etc). I’ve know him a long time and he’s never been any different with them. His children aren’t spoiled but he is their Bank Of Dad and they just expect him to help them out. He tells me I’ve got it easy but by the same token I think he’s being taken for a ride.

Just wondered what you all thought about this sort of thing. When would you expect your offspring to take care of themselves?

When I die.

When I die.

+1

What else is there?

never stop supporting, but maybe I would define supporting differently to others

Impossible to say. You would hope they would sort themselves out sooner rather than later, but there are too many variables for an easy answer.

I wouldn’t ask my mum and dad for help unless my family was in danger of being made homeless. I hope my kids are beign brought up with a similar ‘Generally, sort your own problems out but we’re here to support you emotionally whilst you do’ approach to life.

Having said that, if your mate is happy with the situation then where’s the harm?

When they start taking the piss, I’d say.

My sister and her husband work hard, they struggle to afford a home big enough for their kids and for a reasonable standard of living. Of course they could cut back, but my parents would rather help out and see their own kids and grandkids have a good life.

They can’t help out much cos they are not well off but they give a lot of childcare (to the detriment of their own freedom) and bail them out with big expenses sometimes. Although that is far less frequent now.

They also bailed me out when I got significantly stuck a few times in my mid 20s. As did my sister in fact, since they were better of at the time. Now I’ve got more money I buy stuff for them and my parents to cheer them up.

All the above seems fine to me.

However the OP’s case might be over-indulgence.. hard to say.

‘His children aren’t spoiled’ – so what’s the problem and what’s it got to do with you exactly?

I am 30, own a house etc – I never ask my parents for money but they often offer to help out with bigger purchases like cars etc. Would be weird if a parent didn’t want to help out their child if they are in a position to imo – whatever the age.

Point the ‘kids’ in the direction of a good financial advisor.

Bank Of Dad suddenly becomes Tesco Loan….

Hmmm, this is quite an interesting subject! Friends who have similar aged kids to mine (early 20’s onwards) seem to deal with it quite differently. For example, one friend has bought her oldest a house in London. 😯

Bluntly, I see too much of parents compensating including bailing out their kids when said kids have behaved irresponsibly. The middle classes have a lot to answer for and don’t think it has done my kids any favours by being bought up in such an environment.

Mine know that I am always here for them in a pastoral sense but know fine well they will not get any handouts.

wwaswas gives a good response!

i do that with my parents and expectmy daughterw ill do it with me, its just inheritance coming early in many respects.

Dunno, I didn’t want/need suppourt at uni but my parents insisted on a hundred quid once a term or so, paying train fares etc. Left uni with a savings account and an ISA.

Ditto my car, I had to argue with them to let me pay them something for it, in the end we agreed ~50% of a market value + the last service, MOT and Tax bill so circa 60%.

My brother on the other hand takes the piss sometimes (IMO). At uni, takes everything he can getand doesnt look after it (broke 2 laptops in a year, both gifts form mum and dad) and has no plans for next year beyond moving back in with them!

But everyones different, I was brought up to save money, I put my 50p/week pocket money in an account untill I could buy a dingy! Took 3 years untill my parents offered to buy a half share in a very battered laser with me!

In any case, folk of my age group will be selling the house to pay for nursing home care.

For example, one friend has bought her oldest a house in London

Interesting one this. If I became well off, would I expect my own daughter to pinch pennies and scrimp and save to get a hovel in which to live, just to teach her some kind of life lesson? Whilst I sit on a pile of cash enjoying myself? Not sure I would tbh.

I think you only spoil kids when they don’t realise the value of what you’ve given them. My poor ex-neighbours (not on benefits mind) bought their 16 year old son a PS3. He apparently threw it down the stairs in a rage (no idea how what he was angry about or with, or how it got to that stage tbh! 😯 ) and they bought him another. Now that’s spoiling.

so what’s the problem and what’s it got to do with you exactly?

It isn’t a problem and it’s none of my business. I was simply hoping to get other people’s opinions on the subject.

My parents have helped me out on occasion. Deposits to buy houses that sort of thing. However it is a commercial transaction and I am expected to sign a contract and pay money back with interest. This stops us taking the pee.

On occasion they have waived being paid back – but that was a bonus not expected

never stop supporting, but maybe I would define supporting differently to others

+1

I have never really asked my parents for anything since I was a student (but did help them (a considerable sum too) when they got into a financial pickle once).

My mum took us all out for a meal on Monday though – just a cheap pub meal costing £40 for six of us – and that is possibly the first treat in years (in a financial sense).

But mum and my mother and father in law DO help hugely with childcare and my father in law with time and advice with all things DIY. He just spent a day directing me putting up a fence – he is past doing the digging but happy to help advise me.

I couldn’t imagine asking for money for cars/holidays as an adult no matter how broke I was.

I typed a reply then deleted it cos of how it came across. How much of a ‘leg-up’ should one give one’s kids? From where I’m perched, far too many are given handouts with no appreciation of how they were earned.

He threw it down the stairs, after he realised his personal details had been pinched from PSN!
😆

I’m at uni, and I know my parents aren’t what I’d call well off. I don’t ask them for financial help but they do let me live at home rent free in the holidays, and then they sometimes help me out with a bit or shopping, some petrol or a lift back to uni.

I’m sure if I get myself into trouble they’d do their best to help me, but I wouldn’t expect them to, and wouldn’t ask unless I was really desperate!

I want a new car, so I’ve been saving up for one, a lot of my friends have had cars bought for them by their parents (one of my friends was very upset because they’d bought her a brand new vw fox a couple of years ago, her brother crashed it while she was up here at uni, and her parents aren’t going to shell out to buy her another brand new car!) In fact, I’d done such a good job saving that when me dad needed to get a new car a couple of years ago, I decided I could do without the interest that the back would have given me and gave my dad a loan! 😛

On the other hand, if the parents have the money, then why not subsidise the kids for longer, may come as a shock to the kids when the parents are no longer around to help though!

His parents personal details more like!

Well, I’m starting to sound like the mother from hell! 😯

Thank goodness I don’t yet have grandkids and, before you ask, when I do, no I will not be doing childcare duties. I have bikes to ride. 😀

There’s a biger picture here though

I think that, generationally, we’re going to have to confront some pretty serious home truths at the moment. And its not going to be pretty.

I think the ‘baby boomer’ generation must now accept that they lived through a golden age of prosperity. One that has been fundamentally undermined over the last twenty years. And its all downhill from here. Free Education? Affordable housing? Job security? Free Healthcare? Early retirement? Decent pensions? All either gone or on its way out, I’m afraid.

We’re not going to have the benefits our parents did. Our children won’t have the benefits that we take for granted. Unfortunately.

This is a double edged sword though. They will live longer and this will require resources. And the NHS in the hands of this lot, is over. Older people will recognise this more acutely than we do.

Ultimately… we’re all going to end up paying for our parents in later life. And your own children will be paying to keep you in Werthers Originals, while you sit there smelling of wee and talking about the war and how you used to come here when it was all fields

How depressing. Sorry…. what was the question again?

I put my 50p/week pocket money in an account untill I could buy a dingy!

Did you sail it up the west coast?

binners ‘gets it’. 8)

Pretty depressing really.

but they do let me live at home rent free in the holidays

I should hope so too. I never could get my head around parents charging their kids rent. I understand the whole ‘teaching them to stand on their own two feet’ thing, but charging your kids rent just seems like money-grabbing to me.

but they do let me live at home rent free in the holidays

I should hope so too. I never could get my head around parents charging their kids rent. I understand the whole ‘teaching them to stand on their own two feet’ thing, but charging your kids rent just seems like money-grabbing to me.

I can see why they’d want me to pay rent as I’m using their food/water/electricity etc. If they wanted rent, I’d stay in my house at uni, which I pay for over the holidays anyway!

I never could get my head around parents charging their kids rent. I understand the whole ‘teaching them to stand on their own two feet’ thing, but charging your kids rent just seems like money-grabbing to me.

I disagree entirely – if you are earning money and living with your parents then you should contribute to the household costs (heating, electrickery, food etc).

It isn’t a problem and it’s none of my business. I was simply hoping to get other people’s opinions on the subject.

Fair enough – that wasn’t meant as harshly as it sounded btw.

The other thing to consider in all this – many people of my parents generation got pretty lucky in a number of ways. If you went to uni say in the 60s or 70s and did well, you got it for free (or even got a grant) – you then pretty much were guaranteed a good job, often for life, which would probably come with a decent pension. You probably bought a house when they were relatively dirt cheap, which then became worth loads of money – etc etc

Compare that situation to that faced by many people now – expensive housing, low job security, graduate unemployment, much worse pensions, it’s kind of fair enough for people of that generation to share the wealth imo.

Obviously it’s a big generalisation but it’s true in many cases I think.

edit: Oh, binners said it already, but in a much more depressing way 🙂

charging your kids rent just seems like money-grabbing to me

Really…I get a 25% discount on my council tax if my kids don’t live at home?

When I die.

+1

What else is there?

true true

I’m with becky kirk, my dad has not given me any money since I left school, my mum gave me some money when I was at uni.

Now I’ve graduated I don’t ask for anything.

I think once a kid leaves uni then they should be self sufficient on a day to day basis. However if a parent is wealthy there is no issue with helping out with bigger things. I.e. A deposit for a house…..

I disagree entirely – if you are earning money and living with your parents then you should contribute to the household costs (heating, electrickery, food etc).

No disagreement on contributing to extra costs as a result of you living there if it’s a long term thing, but during the holidays? And things like council tax, heating, insurance, maintenance etc would have to be paid by the parents whether they had the kids living with them or not. Should I pay B&B fees when I go up to my folks in Newcastle for the weekend? Taxi fares when my dad gives me a lift somewhere? Childcare charges when they look after the kids?

I’ve no problem with sharing the cost of things, but this sort of monetising of family life just seems bizarre to me.

If you are earning money then contribute. If not, don’t.

Binners is right. There are a lot of ordinary people in their 50s/60s who are really quite well off now – so if they can help out their kids by paying for some things, why not? I’d say if their kids come to expect or rely on that help, then they’ve failed to teach them how to manage their money and live within their means though.

I wouldn’t dream of asking my parents for financial help, but then independence is important to me and I feel not balancing my budget or putting money aside for a rainy day (thus having to go asking for help for unplanned expenses) would reflect poorly on me. My brother is much as described though, albeit better these days, blundering into financial holes and expecting a parental bailout.

No disagreement on contributing to extra costs as a result of you living there if it’s a long term thing, but during the holidays?

Fair enough – your post wasn’t clear you meant just during holidays from uni.

Did you sail it up the west coast?

Nope, never made it off the local reservoir.

I figure my parent’s money is their’s, they worked hard so should enjoy it now they’ve retired. They did give me a few hundred quid during my brief university life but nothing since and I’ve not asked. I’m sure if I lost my job and needed short-term mortgage help etc. they’d help.

As for paying rent etc. when living with your parents then I can’t see why not. You’re earning so it’s time to contribute instead of sponging. OK if you’re on minimum wage I wouldn’t expect to pay much but otherwise I’d expect to pay my fair share (which would still be a lot less than normal rent/mortgage).

These individuals run the risk of having an innability to manage their own affairs, the potiential for serious problems to arrise in the future is quite high.

Saying NO! to them and seeing how they then cope with the situation in my opinion is vital, to determine if they have the skills and abilities required to deal with any given situation on their own.

Assistance when required is fine, but dependency is never a good thing!

Fair enough – your post wasn’t clear you meant just during holidays from uni.

Well to be honest I reckon that as long as I could afford it, and they didn’t take the piss, I wouldn’t charge my kids for living in the family home even if it was permanent. I’d expect them to do the odd shopping trip etc but other than that I’d feel like a right penny pincher asking my kids for money.

I don’t personally want any help as I want to support myself but my Dad has always said he will try and help us three if needed. He has the money tied up in saving etc so don’t really want him to delve into it but know it’s there if needed. My sister is haing financial trouble at the moment [38] and she has help from him every now and again although she tries to pay back what she can.

When I have kids I would want to try and help them out but wouldn’t have them living out of my pockets.