When a fart goes too far…

Be honest, who’s tried to slip a fart out and then ‘oh sh*t’, literally!!??

I give this no more than an hour…

Who hasnt?

As Clive James said, you need something solid you can let out the bottom of a trouser leg and kick to one side.

Start a thread like this LTR and you know you have to follow through on it…

When? Where? In what company? Shame rating if you please. 😉

Happened this morning with a dicky stomach. Never happened before so feel slightly ashamed! Worst thing was only had loose shorts on!!

Never ever done this personally

Happened this morning with a dicky stomach.

See, that’s a basic rule I have – never try to squeeze one out on a dicky stomach. It can’t end well. 😯

Probably not a true “follow thru” but I have experienced a wet fart at work. The pleasure of releasing some back pressure – swiftly followed by a cold and clammy feeling on my buttock cheeks.

Probably not a true “follow thru” but I have experienced a wet fart at work. The pleasure of releasing some back pressure – swiftly followed by a cold and clammy feeling on my buttock cheeks.

*files under ‘too much detail’*

I did a bit of a wettie the other week….nowt major though.

Never had a full on follow through though…..my Dad however has, whilst in a hotel in Belgium 😀

Stage road racing feeling like death on the middle day. That saddle’s white stitching was never white again. To be fair I had no issues finding space in the bunch 🙂

A friend had really bad life threatening colitis and had his lower colon removed – he says he has never been able to fart with confidence since!

Had a mate follow through when surfing at Llangenith once, suddenly he is paddling hell for leather towards the beach, rips leash off and starts to take off his wet suit, suddenly stops and just looked defeated 😆 went a good way down to Rhossili to risnse it all out. Still gets stick for that 20 years later. I had a very close call after eating a burrito in the States which was full of Chipotle peppers, clench and waddle.

It’s fondly known as a “Shart” round these parts 😀

I was visiting my then partner of the time’s parents in the Caribbean. We were out to dinner at a swanky outdoor venue. I carefully released an after dinner parp, then I felt the uncomfortable moistness. The worst bit, I was wearing light coloured thin trousers! I was mortified, and daren’t move from the chair (refuses multiple requests to get up and dance) until my partner had given me the all clear. By some amazing good fortune I’d got away with it though!

One of the worst holidays I’ve ever had. 100% humidity (so sweating as soon as you get out the shower), the squits for entire time I was there, and mosquitoes as big as my finger (well, that’s how I remember them).

Happened to me once, while jogging in ’02. Had to go to the adjacent Railway Station to remove my pants and get cleaned up. Only when I was holding them in my hand did I realise the only bins are on the platforms and made of transparent bin bags.

Oh the walk of shame.

Not me. I have an iron sphincter. I could clip the ends off cigars with it.

I had a ‘Trainspotting’ moment once a few years back. Woke up thinking I’d wet the bed only to find I hadn’t. I even did the whole reach down to find out what was going on thing.

In my defence it turned out I wasn’t at all well for the next few days.

Actually, I have had the misfortune of “sharting”. It happened in the showers after a game of football. I did an over-zealous fart – like footballers do. Luckily, I was the last person in the showers and I promptly kicked the accidental discharge down the drainage. Best forgotten – until now.

Nope, but a guy I know (yes, I mean someone I know, not me) who used to drink in the same ub as me did. Epically. In summer he walked home, about 5 miles or so and on this particular occasion was wearing a light coloured pair of shorts. So about halfway home, he thought he was dropping a sneaky little fart, and it turned out to be neither a fart nor little. In public. 2.5 miles from home.

2nd date – fully clothes while on a bed – had to ask her to leave promptly without question….

I have to admit to floating an air-biscuit only to realise that more than just air came out. Like, mudsux, i wasn’t very well after that. Ended up in hospital on an IV drip for 5 days.

Perfect lunchtime reading!

Ta.

Ended up in hospital on an IV drip for 5 days.

did you fart your own colon out or something?

My wife has many stories about working in M&S, but this is my favourite.

She was on a till once and a guy came out of the changing rooms (which were nearby). He was a smartly dressed office type with a briefcase, no sign of what he was about to do. He opened his briefcase and pulled out a clearly (both visually and nasally) HEAVILY soiled pair of underpants. He asked the till staff to put them in the bin for him.

Not me. I have an iron sphincter. I could clip the ends off cigars with it.

😯

Please don’t smoke anywhere near me please. For many many reasons…. 😉

He opened his briefcase and pulled out a clearly (both visually and nasally) HEAVILY soiled pair of underpants. He asked the till staff to put them in the bin for him.

Well, the customer is always shite.

briefcase

A special box for keeping his soiled undergarments in. He was prepared.

i sharted on holiday once after a dodgy meal, and had a 1/2 mile walk back to the hotel room. about halfway back after walking like a pengiun we got a lift from the bell boy in his leccy golf cart. i didnt look back at the seat to see what i might have left behind, luckily it was dark. the missus managed to hold on until we got to the hotel room, but not as far the bog…

Work Christmas night out

+

Lack of maturity

+

Posh Hotel

+

many of these

= pants in bin in toilet and early night for me

The last “Code Brown” incident I had was while lifting a bag of cement in B&Q.
It started as a high pitched 300 PSI fart and ended in a gravy gargle with my pants acting as a sieve.

Another story from my wife (I don’t know why she has all the fun stories 🙂 ) which still haunts her to this day and refuses to speak of it again….

She was with her mum in Bradford Interchange waiting for a bus. I suppose the location should be a warning that weird stuff might happen but you don’t expect this… The interchange does have toilets. This is an important fact.

A slightly shabby looking “larger” lady (not obviously homeless but maybe not looking after herself) walks outside the large bus shelters along where the buses stop. She is wearing a long dress.

She proceeds to lift up her dress and semi-squat over the sewer grate outside the shelter. She then, without removing her underwear, has a lengthly bout of severe liquid diarrhea, which pours out from her underwear. 😯

She stands up and walks away.

Several hundred people at the interchange that day have their lives changed forver.

on and on:

The last “Code Brown” incident I had was while lifting a bag of cement in B&Q.
It started as a high pitched 300 PSI fart and ended in a gravy gargle with my pants acting as a sieve.

Pure poetry!

The last “Code Brown” incident I had was while lifting a bag of cement in B&Q.
It started as a high pitched 300 PSI fart and ended in a gravy gargle with my pants acting as a sieve.

And this year’s Nobel prize for literature goes to…

I had a ‘Trainspotting’ moment once a few years back.

You decided to go cold turkey off smack?

Or you picked a fight with a psycho Glasgie?

Years ago a couple of friends were backpacking and staying in a rather plush hotel in India. After a meal and a few drinks they were waiting in the lift in the lovely white marble floored lobbey. One of them (wearing shorts) sneezed and left a brown splat on said floor.

Anyway this story was retold by his companion as a best man’s speach. It was fantastic and split the audience right down the middle.

Its a brave brave person that farts when they have diahorrea 😆

Wow!! Should I now distance this from my memory or continue to feel ashamed?!

Whilst backpacking in Mexico I ate in cheap local retaurants all the time and ate some fantastic food.
The day it all went wrong was visiting Chichen Itza. It was in the afternoon after a pleasant lunch. I had light cotton trousers on. It was hot sunny and lots of day trippers were still there. One innocuous fart later and I was in all sorts of trouble. Luckily I had a long sleeved shirt on which I wrapped round my waist as I headed to the loos to clean up.

As an ibs sufferer….. Too many times to mention 🙁