Only once, food poisoning on a train across Kent after a dodgy prawn something-or-other in a Sicilian restaurant in Tunbridge Wells. The while affair went awry while waiting for the train, the event occurred in the train and I (and the missus at the time) dived off at Tonbridge station so I could abuse the facilities, since there weren’t any on the train itself.

A mate, however, did it in the front seat of a uni minibus on the way to a kayaking trip in the Lakes. I heard the fart and the subtle squish at the end, saw the crimson bloom across his cheeks (the face ones), then laughed my head off as he threw a towel over his lap, rummaged furtively for a moment, then jettisoned his kecks out of the window into the verge.

Seeing as we’ve already had a dog story…

We were looking after a friends dog for the night. At stupid o-clock in the morning an odd noise wakes me. Wet dog fart. I turn the bedside light on to be greeted by the site of the dog hosing our carpet with she sloppiest (and stinkiest) dog poo I’ve ever seen. By now the missus is awake too (probably because of my ‘For **** sake!’), so trying not to wretch I tell her as it’s her friends dog, she can clean it up.

The dog, now glad of some company, and having completely emptied his guts, paddles though the shit and feet now dripping with diarrhea jumps on the bed tail wagging.

I can still, all to vividly, remember the noise and smell.

years ago i used to work for my brother…we got home one night and while i was having a fag outside he went into the house….said cigarette did not agree with the contents of my belly namely a hot chicken curry that had been eaten about an hour earlier…the cig was like a key unlocking the floodgates…i ran into the house and up the stairs to the bathroom only to find my brother was taking one of his long dumps and would not be coming out for a while….all this time i could feel the flood getting closer to the release valve….i legged it downstairs and into the kitchen…everyone else was in the living room watching tv…then i had my eureka moment…the cellar!!…i legged it down into the depths of the house…but now what….i spotted a large carrier bag…checked it for holes and then yanked the keks down shoved the bag over my ass and let rip…but now my problem was what do i use to clean myself with and what do i do with the bag full of shit??…i found more bags so i triple bagged it and used a few more to try and wipe my backside…i then proceeded to sneak upstairs and into the bathroom to give myself a thorough clean…the bag ended up in the neighbours bin…that was my close call…i’ve been careful not to be caught out since, though i’ve still had a few close ones….
during ramadan is the worst…not eaten or drunk anything all day, then when you do eat at night, you eat until you cant eat no more….then you need a fag which tastes and feels like a joint…then you realise that you need a massive dump because the fag has unlocked the doors of hell…cue the mad scramble to the bog….but the daytimes are worse as everything you eat at night is now slowly fermenting in your bowels and all that comes out the other end is the smelly farts…no follow through as theres nothing to come out…the other day walking from the office to the car…i was just constantly farting…i think at one point i did about 15 steps while continuously letting rip…even now i think i need to release one but i know its going to stink the office out…

Sweet mother of god. What has been read, cannot be un-read….

Should not read this in an office!!

can’t believe no-one’s mentioned Greg Lemond’s notorious dose on the TdF

can’t believe no-one’s mentioned Greg Lemond’s notorious dose on the TdF

Since renamed as “Doing a Paula”

Sorry I’m late for the party but I thought I’d recount my moment of shame, which still haunts me to this day 30years later!

I was enjoying an evening of fun with an older lady and had just positioned myself straddling her ample charms when I felt the sensation from my nether region of a fart slipping out, unfortunately for me and the lady it had some substance to it, which was deposited all over her stomach 😳
This tale didn’t end well, but worse still is that the lady still lives local to me and whenever I have the misfortune to see her she still scowls at me 😳

Magalluf circa 1984, my mate and me walking two lovelies home on the promise of romance. He gets the turtle head moment, and nips behind a bush, drops his kegs and releases… into the kegs that are around his ankles. Kegs up, realises the faecal error… shite in his hair, face, t-shirt..
Neither of us got lucky that night.

Sad to say, I had a close encounter of the turd kind a few weeks back after the Stone Roses gig at Glasgow Green.

A whole day on the bevvy. An splendid luncheon of ham knuckle and sauerkraut, mostly washed down with some kind of unfiltered “live” beer at the West microbrewery on Glasgow Green. The contents of various hip flasks and wee bit of, er, tablet for pudding while at the gig, so the contents of my gut were positively Vesuvian by the time of the eruption.

Nipped up a back alley for a quick slash en route to someone’s house party afterwards. Gambled on letting off some steam whilst there as a courtesy to my fellow pedestrians on the long walk back, but it turned out that I had used up all my nipping and back alley cards for the night. What then transpired was not so much Made of Stone as She’s A Waterfall.

Had to purloin a couple of poly bags upon my arrival and slip off to the bog to get hosed down and to quarantine the scene of the crime from the rest of the contents of my rucksack.

Foul. 😳

What then transpired was not so much Made of Stone as a Waterfall

Made me 😆

I do like the phrase ‘gambled and lost’

Excrement work everyone.

It warms my heart to know that so many of us have shat ourselves.

😆

Best thread in ages, I shit you not.

which was deposited all over her stomach

some women are into that shit!! 😆

i nearly had one of those moments this morning…hadnt taken a dump all weekend due to a bit of constipation which i thought had ended last night when i took a welcomed dump….but this morning while feeding my daughter her breakfast i could feel a torrent of the brown stuff making its way down south…at the same time my daughter decided to fill her nappy too while i was gagging to go and release my load but i had to finish feeding her…she was in the high chair and the wife was upstairs getting ready so i couldnt leave her…cue frantic feeding and even more frantic changing of a nuclear nappy…before i legged it up the stairs with a now freshly changed daughter…dumped her in the cot and then managed to get on the bog to release the mother of all turds…the wife waited 20 minutes before she could go into the bathroom….

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoACQCJWx10[/video]