Whats the funniest thing you've ever said

Rory Brenner liked a joke of mine on Twitter, I was smug for days.

another really funny comment,you should think of going on stage

Always start a sentence with a capital letter & use the space bar! Anyway, I digress….

Family meet up one Xmas at BIL house & Eastenders is on, with Ian Lavender playing a part, someone says either ‘who is he?’ or ‘who are you?’ & I shout out……..?
Answers on a post card please.

When I was younger (14), we were having a family dinner and discussing several things the conversation was around a dam in japan that had just been built, my old man was musing about the engineering feat and the size of this thing, and how many billion gallons it held etc.

The conversation moved on to talk about the latest sports results or whatever, then it moved on to food and hot curry, my mother being the as crass as she is was talking about how it was always hotter on the way out than on the way in. My sisters boyfriend at the time said that apparently the trick was put your arse in a bowl of milk, to which my sister asked “Yeah but where do I find a bowl big enough for my arse?”, quick as you like I just casually said “I think they just built a dam in Japan”.

Lady at work got a phone call from her daughter who was being made redundant.
Lady agrees to meet daughter for lunch, and will text her time and place.
Puts down phone and asks office for recomendations of where to go for lunch near to xyz.
‘Job Center’ was my deadpan reply.
I’m here all week , unfortunatly.

Not me, but it was funny. Working in the US we were talking about Bill Clinton, someone made a comment about him and finished it off with “…but his heart was in the right place.” Quick as a flash my colleague said “even if his penis usually wasn’t”. I laughed like a drain, our American friends were shocked.

Remember when Ron Atkinson got done for racism? Lads at work were talking about how he’d been so apologetic, and as part of his rehabilitation he had signed up for a TV series where he went round the world looking at racism in different countries and suggesting how they might combat it, “a bit like Gordon Ramsay does with shit restaurants”.

I said, “What’s it called? ‘Ron Atkinson’s ‘N’ Word’?”

In the office kitchen and a couple of guys (normally great mates) come in having some sort of blazing row with each other. After a few minutes they both pause to gather new insults, and I piped up with

“I think it’s cute the way you two flirt with each other”.

Actually went some way towards defusing the tension thank goodness. Although now that it’s written down it really doesn’t seem all that…

BIL house & Eastenders is on, with Ian Lavender playing a part, someone says either ‘who is he?’ or ‘who are you?’ & I shout out……..?
Answers on a post card please.

Don’t tell them Pike!

I was at a clay shooting competition waiting for with our team to shoot on a particular stand. In front of us was a father and son, and the dad shot first. He was pretty mediocre, hitting about half the targets. His lad stepped into the cage and with the style and grace of someone who had been professionally coached proceeded to turn every single target into balls of dust. Dad turned to us proudly and said “Taught him all I know!” To which I replied “**** good job he wasn’t listening then….”

i was funny once…..

many years ago when i was at uni after we finished playing football we would always go to the same pub for post match drinks and banter.
this particular evening the banter included taking the piss out of one of the lads over his recent conquest
the girl in question was on the large side…everyone knew her as she worked behind the SU bar
the piss taking got to the point where someone asked to see the burn marks off the light bulb on his backside…to which i asked “you left the lights on??”

Thread subtitle: you had to be there

My Dad had to go into hospital to have a polyp removed from his lower bowel (turned out to be benign).
At his pre-surgery consultation he was asked by the surgeon if he had any questions about the procedure.
Dad, “Will I be able to ride a unicycle afterwards?”
Surgeon, “Yes, no problem but I’d give it a couple of weeks after the operation”
Dad, “Oh, that’s excellent, I’ve always wanted to be able to do that”

Mum (with a weary look) confirmed that this exchange actually took place.

My Dad was 78 at the time.

He’s now 81, going strong and still can’t get the hang of unicycling.

My 12 year old shouting down the stairs.
“Dad”
“Dad”
“Whats up?” I ask
“You smell!” 12 yo and friends giggling..
“I can wash,you’re ugly” me and friends of my 12yo laughing

My mum in front of me, my other half and the estate agent:

“unfortunately your buying at the bell-end of the market”

I think she meant top end.

Walking across the Hospital carpark. wearing Bright blue NHS polo shirt with a huge NHS logo and NHS name badge and horrible NHS blue porting trousers.

This posh bint in a chelsea tractor winds down her window and looks me up and down
“excuse me, do you work here”
I hesitate thinking “nah just I dress in this sweaty itchy crap stretch nylon for laughs” but I actually reply politely ” Well yes I do”
“Oh good” say she “do you know where the neurology department is ?”
So I gives my best stupid look and takes off me cap and scratches me head.
“Lady I don’t even know where the OLD rology deptartment is”

Window up – roars off

So I’d like to think I’d won Facebook with this little gem earlier….
Somebody posted the content of her child’s diaper/nappy in which the faeces were smudged into a perfect cross,the mother somewhat tongue in cheek (no pun intended) suggested it was proof of the Lords existence which prompted heated discussions regarding blasphemy and all things religious.
My input,of which I’m still extremely proud,just one word-Skidmata.